The Super Mario Bros Freaky Show!
by Hand of Doom
Summary: A parody of the badly written cartoon series, The Super Mario Bros. Super Show! Absolutely Hilarious! Please R&R! FINALLY! CHAPTER 17 IS UP!
1. Episode 1: Freaks in Love

Note: I did not write this. An author named Toasty 64 wrote this. Since he doesn't submit his fanfics to FF.net, I am posting it for him since it is absolutely HILARIOUS!!!!!! And don't worry, he gave me permission. So if you like funny stuff, read this! Toasty also said that this fanfic was far from complete. He only has 16 episodes as of now, but he hopes to do a total of 26.

**Episode 1: Freaks in love**

Mario: Yo, whoever is bothering to read this, it's the Super Mario Brothers Freaky Show! Dah-dah-dahhh, etc.

Fade in to a view of a typically mediterranean harbor resort village. Blue skies, colourful architecture, cats napping on the streets, the works.

"Plumber's log, number minus 1. We were in the mediterranean world for a relaxing weekend. However, while we weren't looking, Koopa's goons had kidnapped the princess. Yes, again. And by the time we had noticed she was missing, they had already taken her to Koopa's fort, miles away from the coast. Since the princess had all our plane tickets, hotel reservations and travellers' checks on her, it was imperative for us to rescue her sito presto! Trouble is, we needed a boat to get to Koopa's fort......"

-Luigi: I told you this would end in disaster. We'll never get hold of a boat. And even if we do find a boat, it'll be too expensive to afford. And even if we manage to rip off a boat, the police will capture us and we'll be shot for robbery. And even if we escape the police, the boat will spring a leak and we'll all drown. And even if we do reach Koopa's place, we'll be killed by Koopa's guards. It's hopeless, we had better just kill ourselves right now....

-Toad: Hey! What's wrong with you? You're lookin' kinda down to me-eeh!

-Mario: Yeah, great pep-talk, Luigi. Thanks a lot....-_-;

-Yoshi: Is that tasty, a pep-talk?

-Mario: Never mind. Let's just see if we can rent a boat, allright?

-Toad: Better yet, a yellow submarine! Yeah! Yellow submar-eeh-een!

-Mario:....*sweatdrop* Why do I even bother?

-Luigi: But I told you, we can't afford to even rent a boat, so we'll be left to die horribly here, all alone.

-Mario: That's where you're wrong! I've thought of a brilliant and 100% fool-proof plan! We sell Luigi as a slave in return for a boat! Ta-daahhhh!

Cut to next scene: a view of Koopa's castle, located high atop a cliff in the sea. Fade in to a shot of Koopa wearing a pineapple-print hawaiian shirt and floral print short trousers. He's standing in front of a mirror with a pensive look on his face. Mouser comes rushing in.

-Mouser: Lord Koopa!

-Koopa: Ah, Mouser, perfect timing! I could use some help here. I'm not sure if this outfit's right for this kind of episode. I really think I should've gone with the strapless evening dress instead. Tell me what you think, this is just not right, is it?

-Mouser: Oh, it's just fine, lord Koopa. I....*blushes*...I think you're very handsome...*blushes more*.

-Koopa: Well, that goes without saying! Now, why did you come here anyways?

-Mouser: Uhmm...Oh yes, I came to tell you that our men have captured princess Toadstool!

-Koopa: Excellent, you've finally done something right for a change! Bring her to me at once, maybe she'll be able to pick a good outfit for this episode.

-Mouser: Right away, milord!

Mouser rushes off and comes back with the princess in a few moments.

-Koopa: Very good, now leave us, Mouser.

-Mouser: Y...yes, milord.

After Mouser has removed himself from the room, Koopa adresses the princess in these words, with a big grin on his face:

-Koopa: Princess! Finally, we're together again!

-Princess: Oh, Koopa, I'm so happy to be back with you! You can't imagine how boring it is to hang out with that Mario. He has no sex appeal whatsoever! Thank heavens you're here to kidnap me. If we couldn't have fun together, I would've died of boredom long ago! Oh, and your outfit is super hot, as usual!

-Koopa: Thanks, I appreciate it. At least you've got good taste.

-Princess: *gentle voice* Oh Koopa, my despicable hunk of horrid slime, you are so disgusting. I hate you so much it hurts.

-Koopa: Hmm, I just love it when you talk dirty!

-Princess: *still in a gentle, suave voice* You are such an utterly revolting bastard, I could just puke...

-Koopa: Oooh, yeah, treat me rough...

-Princess: *giggle* Oh, we have so much fun together!

Through a window, Mouser had been watching this scene, with a look of increasingly more intense anger on his face. Speaking in himself, he delivered the following comment:

-Mouser:...D...damn....

Close-up of Mouser's clenched fist, trembling with rage. Fade out and cut to the next scene: in the cantine of Koopa's castle, blue cigarette smoke is curling up towards the cieling, and faint blues music is heard as Mouser, seated by the bar, gulps down an enormous glass of alcohol, while his "co-workers", Triclyde and Fryguy watch him.

-Mouser: Glug....glug.....glups...ahhhh.

-Triclyde: Yo, Mouser, go easy on the booze. That's your sixth glass, you're drinking like a lunatic!

-Mouser: Aahh, shaddup! I'm trying to drown the bitter pain of my heartache, so butt out, you idiot!

-Triclyde: Heartache? *amused and mocking look* Oh, I see, you've been hitting on lord Koopa again, and as usual, he turned you down flat, right? Heh heh heh, that's just typical of you.

-Fryguy: Ho ho ho ho ho, Mouser sure is slow on the uptake! He still hasn't grasped that it'll never happen between him and lord Koopa!

-Triclyde: Ha ha ha ha ha, what a sucker!

-Mouser: Shut up! You bunch of bastards!!

-Fryguy: Eeyaah, scary!

-Mouser: It's always the same! Nobody understands how I feel! Nobody realises how much I suffer! It's so unfair! I hate you! I hate everyone! I want to dieeeee! Booooohooohoohoohoo!!

Overcome by a tide of self-pity, Mouser throws himself into a session of huge, desperate sobbing

-Fryguy: Ohhh, man, that was scary. He freaks me out when he shouts like that. I need a cigarrette....

-Mouser: *sobbing like a maniac* Boohoo, I'm so miserbale!

-Fryguy: *cigarette between his lips* Hmmm....maybe we've pushed him too far?

-Triclyde: Yes, maybe...Look, Mouser, don't take it so badly, we were just joking. Come on, cheer up, who knows, maybe something will someday happen between you and lord Koopa!

-Mouser: You...sniff...you really think so?

-Triclyde: Well, I dunno. Maybe it will someday happen....and then...well, and then he'll probably just dump you right away.

-Mouser: You brute! I hate you! Waaaah!!

-Fryguy: Great sense of tact, Clyde....*sweatdrop*

Cut to next scene: Mario, Luigi, Toad and Yoshi are installed in a small boat and sailing towards Koopa's castle.

-Mario: Talk about a lucky break! The guy from the boat rental store let us take a boat for free, begging us not to give him Luigi in return! He said he'd give us anything if we just kept Luigi away from him!

-Yoshi: Is that tasty, a lucky break?

-Luigi: Nobody wants me.....nobody appreciates me....I have no value.

-Yoshi: But Mario, don't you think we should've forced the boat rental guy to give us all his food and money as well as the boat....?

-Mario: Oh drat, you're right! Can we still turn back and rob him of his food and money?

-Toad: Got to turn around! Got to turn around!

-Yoshi: Nobody asked you! Well, I think it's too late to turn back, but if we do get hungry, we could always eat Luigi.

-Mario: Oh yes, that's right. And besides, we have to get to Koopa's castle and save the princess immediately! She must be suffering terrible tortures in there!

Episode 1 - Freaks in love - Part 2

Cut to next scene. That evening, in the dining hall of Koopa's castle, the princess and Koopa are installed at a dinner table, both dressed in luxurious gala outfits. Glasses of champagne and large, red lobsters on silver plates are disposed onto their table."Terrible tortures" indeed, it would seem.... The princess opens the conversation with these words:

-Princess: Wow, you sure know how to make one feel at home! It's really swell of you to let me borrow this dress, by the way.

-Koopa: Oh, it's nothing, I hardly wear it anymore as it is. Ostrich feathers don't look too good on me....

-Princess: Well, I'm very grateful. Here's to us!

-Koopa: Yes, to us...

Their champagne glasses clink together, and Koopa continues in these words:

-Koopa: And there will be no pesky Marios to interrupt us this time, I assure you. It's just you and me now....

However, unknown to Koopa, that last sentence was not quite true, as Mouser was standing just outside the dining room and had been secretly spying on this whole scene. Boiling with inner rage, he speaks the following words to himself:

-Mouser: Damn you, princess Toadstool, damn you to everlasting hell! How dare you do this to me?! How dare you?!!

Cut to next scene. In the castle security control room, a Koopa Troopa is intently staring at a monitor. He then picks up a microphone and belts out the following phrase:

-Koopa Troopa: Red alert! The Marios are here! They're right outside the castle gates! Everyone to battle stations!

Cut to a shot of Triclyde and Fryguy running through the castle corridors with various Goombas, while an alarm bell is ringing in the background

-Fryguy: Eek! It's the Marios! They're here! I'm scaaaared!!

-Triclyde: Oh, stop being such a baby! Our orders are to make sure that lord Koopa and the princess will not be disturbed during their candlelight supper! We musn't fail!!

-Fryguy: But I can't go out into battle without a cigarette first! I neeeeed a cigarette!

Fryguy then stuffs his mouth with several cigarettes

-Fryguy: Got a light, Clyde?

-Triclyde: Here ya go.

Triclyde holds up a lighter in front of Fryguy. This produces the following reaction.

-Fryguy: Eeek! Keep that thing away from me! Not so close, I'll singe my skin!

-Triclyde: *sweatdrop* There's just no pleasing you....What I wonder about is, where did Mouser go? He should be here...

Cut to a shot of Mouser, still standing outside the dining room and still filled with grief and bitterness

-Mouser: For years and years, I loyally serve lord Koopa, but never once does he notice my feelings for him...and then, this little princess Toadstool brat just walks in and has candlelight suppers with him! Why....why for her and not for me?!!

Cut to next scene. Mario and his gang are standing outside the gates of Koopa's castle.

-Mario: This is hopeless, we'll never get into the castle. We've tried everything, from hurling Luigi at the door to trying to break the lock, but this door just won't budge! How will we ever get in there?!

-Toad: Fiiiind another way to me, find another way and make me free!

-Mario: You stay out of this!! Allright, there's only one option left....Yoshi, eat the door!

-Yoshi: Zzzz...snore....zzzzz

-Mario: No way! Yoshi, this is no time to nap! Wake up, this instant!!

-Yoshi: Zzzzzz....

Triclyde, Fryguy and a flock of nasties appear on the castle ramparts and begin to mock Mario

-Triclyde: Haaa ha ha ha, look at those morons! They're to stupid to even get past the entry door!

-Fryguy: Eeyaah, these ramparts are scary! I'm afraid of altitudes!

Mario has noticed their taunting and is now even more angered than before.

-Mario: Grrr, just you wait. I'm not going to lose to someone who'se afraid of altitudes! ...Wait a minute, that's it! We'll throw Luigi over the castle walls! That way he'll be inside the castle and he can open the door from the inside!

-Luigi: No, I can't.....I'm useless, I can never do anything right....

-Mario: Oh, stop complaining!

Mario then picks up his brother and violently flings him into the air. Luigi sails through the air, and it looks as if he will indeed land inside the castle courtyard. However, Triclyde has prepared a counter-offense: several gun turrets on the castle ramparts fire Bullet Bills at Luigi. The Bullet Bills all hit their target dead-on, and a singed and toasted Luigi comes crashing down in front of Mario and the others.

-Mario: Damn, can't you do anything right, Luigi?!

-Luigi: I told you so.....

-Triclyde: Wah ha ha ha ha! You idiots! Just give it up! You'll never get in here! No way will we allow you to interrupt our great master's evening!

Cut to shot of Koopa and the princess, still seated at the deluxe dinner table, excanging a few remarks

-Princess: Do you remember that time when you wore a Sailor Eternal Moon costume to the annual megalomaniacs conference? That was great!

-Koopa: Of course, I could never forget. I was a hit!

Camera pans out to a shot of Mouser, still standing outside the dining room, with his inner fury almost reaching breakpoint.

-Mouser: Daaaaamn you, princess Toadstool! I will never allow you to steal lord Koopa away from me! He's mine!! If you so much as lay a finger on him, you will diiiie! Aaargh!!

No longer able to contain his intense rage, Mouser rams his head against a nearby wall with his full force. Slowly, the wall he's just head-butted begins to crack, and with one huge rumble, Koopa's entire castle begins to crumble to bits. As the castle gradually crashes to the ground, the soldiers on the castle ramparts freak out.

-Triclyde: Whoaaa, what is going on?!

-Fryguy: Mommyyyy! This is scaryyyyyy!!

In a matter of minutes, the whole castle is turned into nothing but a pile of rubbles. Standing in the middle of this mess is Mouser, with a huge lump on his head. A few feet away from him, Koopa and the princess are still seated at their dinner table, only now the table is covered with debris, and they are both too stunned to talk. Small bits of rubble float in their champagne glasses. Mario is the first one to break the silence.

-Mario: Oh! There's the princess! Just as I expected, Koopa was forcing her into horrible things! Don't worry, princess, we're here! Let's go, quickly!

Mario rushed over to the table, grabs the princess's arm and drags her towards their boat. The princess suddenly snaps out of her shock and pronounces these words:

-Princess: Huh? What the? Hey, wait! I haven't finished my lobster yet! Noo, lemme go!! I never get a chance to eat lobster without paying for it! Stop it, I wanna go back! Kooopaaaa!!

But all Koopa does is sit there and stare in disbelief. The princess is dumped into the Marios' boat and they sail off into the distance. After a few moments of silence, Koopa regians his spirits and dazedly looks around. He then casually walks over to Mouser, who is still standing there with an enormous lump on his head, and begins to violently pound him with a mallet.

-Koopa: Idioooot!! This is all your doing! You complete and absolute idiot!!

After a short session of mallet-whacking, Mouser is lying on the ground in a small, crumpled pile. He comments on the situation with these words:

-Mouser: Aahhh, this pain...such an intense feeling....that is the strength of our love...mmm, yes, yes......

-Koopa:...*sweatdrop* What are you talking about?

Cut to next scene. The Marios are sailing into the sunset with their boat. Mario adresses these words to the princess:

-Mario: There, it's all over now, princess, you're safe!

-Princess: *monotone* Yeah, well, thanks a lot......

-Toad: And we've also saved our hotel reservations, plane tickets and travellers checks! Right on, baby!

-Yoshi: Is a traveller's check tasty?

-Princess: Well, about all those things...I left them in the pocket of my pink dress. I didn't take them with me when I changed into this ostrich- feathered dress Koopa lent me, so they must still be somewhere among the debris of Koopa's castle....

-All: No wayyyy!!


	2. Episode 2: All is Wrong in Love and War

-Mario: In case you still haven't grasped it, this is, like, the Super Mario Brothers Freaky Show. Hotcha...

**Episode 2: "All is Wrong in Love and War"**

"Plumber's log, number 666, the Angel world was at war with the Devil world. This situation had a very negative effect on the Mushroom Kingdom's export market, and they were making so much noise that we could hear them all the way in the Mushroom Kingdom. This couldn't go on any longer, so we sent a delegation to the royal castle of the Angel world. Since we weren't able to afford a proper delegation, we instead opted to go there by ourselves..."

Camera zooms in to a view of the Angel world castle. Inside, queen Aphrodite the third is sitting on her throne. Opposite to her is a young man with long blonde hair. Aphrodite 3 addresses him in these words:

-Aphrodite: Limone, what message do you bring me?

-Limone: Limone? Who's Limone?

-Aphrodite: Oh God, don't tell me you ve lost your memory again?!

-Limone: Did I lose my memory? That's funny, I don't remember doing so....

-Aphrodite: Ohhh, this is hopeless! How am I ever supposed to pull the Angel world through this dumb war when I have such useless flunkies! If you keep losing track of your memory every five minutes, I shall have to fire you, Limone!

-Limone: Oh, am I your employee? It's news to me.....

-Aphrodite....*big sigh*

At that moment, an angel rushes in and speaks these words to Aphrodite:

-Angel: Queen Aphrodite 3, the visitors from the Mushroom Kingdom are getting impatient. They want to know if you will see them now. Didn't lord Limone tell you about their arrival?

-Aphrodite: Well, you know how Limone is.....anyway, show these visitors in, whoever they may be.

The angel fetches Mario, Luigi, Toad, Yoshi and the princess and leads them into Aphrodite 3's throne room and introduces them with these words:

-Angel: The delegation from the Mushroom Kingdom!

-Mario: Yeah, some delegation.....

-Yoshi: What's a delligayshun? Is it tasty?

-Aphrodite: Well, princess Toadstool of the Mushroom Kingdom, it is an honor to receive you here in the Angel world. What brings you to us?

-Princess: Well, I dunno how to put it....what I came here for is to ask...well, in a nutshell...couldya turn down the noise a bit?

-Aphrodite: Noise?

-Princess: Yeah, the noise. If you want to go to war with the Devil world, then that's fine with me, but do it quietly, okay? You're making such a racket that we can hear you all the way in the Mushroom Kingdom, and it's driving us up the wall! 

-Mario: This was supposed to be a peace delegation, but I don't think it's going the right way...

-Luigi: Oh well, there is no such thing as true peace as it is. Life is nothing but conflict and suffering......

-Aphrodite: Well, I do apologies for the inconvenience, but I'm afraid you came to the wrong place. You see, the ones who started this whole war in the first place were the people of the Devil world.

-Princess: Oh, right, blame the neighbours.

-Aphrodite: No, seriously. We used to get along just fine with the Devil world. I was thick as thieves with their queen, but she mysteriously disappeared, and a new ruler appeared in the Devil world. This new ruler is responsible for this war, and his name is Koopa! You should blame him!

-Yoshi: If we get to dis Koopa, its okay with me ^^.

-Mario: Koopa has taken over the Devil world and has started this war! That's terrible!

-Luigi: Everything is terrible. We'll probably all get killed by Koopa's goons any minute now...

-Princess: Uhm...excuse me, but where's the loo?

-Ahprodite: Eh?? Oh, right, uhm....second door to your left.

The princess leaves the throne room, and in the hallway, she takes out her mobile phone and dials Koopa's number. After a while, the phone is answered in these words:

-Koopa: Yeah, now what the heck is it?

-Princess: Eehee, you sure sound sexy when you're snarling!

-Koopa: Oh, it's you! Nice to hear you again.

-Princess: Same here. Listen, I hear you're in the Devil world right now?

-Koopa: That's right, and it's a swell place! You should come over, I know you'd just love it.

-Princess: Well, I would, but there's a bit of a problem. See, I'm stuck here in the castle of the Angel world with Mario and those other bums. I can't just dart off for no reason, they'd get suspicious.

-Koopa: I see. Well, don't worry, we'll just go for the old kidnapping routine, it works every time. I'll send some of my flunkies round to pick you up, okay?

-Princess: Okay, see you soon!

Having finished her telephone call, she returns to the throne room where Mario and the others are studying a map of the Devil world. While intently staring at the large piece of paper he's holding, Mario delivers the following comment:

-Mario: It's odd, but the geographical lay-out of the Devil world looks almost exactly like a videotape recorder.....

-Princess: That's because what you're holding there isn't a map of the Devil world, it's the manual of a VCR.

-Mario: Eh?....Ohh, now I get it! This is the manual for a VCR, that's why it didn't work!

-Toad: So, where's the real map then?

-Mario: Hmmm....I have no idea....it was here a minute ago.....

-Yoshi: Burps! Whoops, Yoshi sorry.

-Mario:.......Oh good heavens.....you don't think....

-Toad: Yoshi! Be honest, did you eat the map of the Devil world?!

-Yoshi: Yes, it's all true! I admit! But I couldn't help it! I hadn't eaten for at least 30 seconds!

-Mario: Someone will have to explain why Yoshi always chooses the exact item that we need most as his next snack. Look, Yoshi, next time you feel an uncontrollable urge to eat something, just eat Luigi, allright? At least we're sure that we'll never need him.

-Toad: But now how will we ever successfully get through the Devil world without a map?

-Yoshi: Oh, what a horrible dilemma!

-Toad: Yes, and it's al your fault in case you had forgotten.

-Princess: Look, take it easy, everyone. I'm sure that a logical and rational solution will soon come to us.

Just as she has spoken this phrase, the whole castle suddenly begins to tremble, loud screams are heard from everywhere, and a nervous angel comes rushing into the throne room, bringing the following message:

-Angel: Your majesty, Queen Aphrodite the third! It's a disaster! The entire army of the Devil world is here! They're attacking our castle!

-Aphrodite: Say whaaaat?! And they didn't even ring to say that they were coming over?! How horrible! *turns to Limone* Limone, it is your duty to defend this castle!

-Limone: Hm? Castle? Which castle?

-Aphrodite: This castle, of course! You're standing in it as of now!

-Limone: Oh, that's right. Nice place, innit?

-Aphrodite: Who cares?! We're under siege, so get out on the castle ramparts this instant!

-Limone: Right away!....Whoever you are.....

Limone then rushes off but comes back to the throne room in a matter of seconds, with a very serious look on his face.

-Limone: Hey, you! The weirdo lady!

-Aphrodite: Doh! He has no idea that he's talking to the queen of the Angel world!

-Limone: Something extremely serious has come up......it's like this.....I just remembered..... 

-Aphrodite: Limone....

-Limone: ....that I have absolutely no idea how to get to the castle ramparts!

-Aphrodite: Dooohhhhhh!!!

Driven to desperation by Limone's ineptitude, Aphrodite falls flat on her face. She slowly peels herself off the floor again and gives Limone a maddened, bloodthirsty stare, while clutching a baseball bat in her hands

-Limone: Oh! Who are you? I don't remember ever seeing you before....Nice place you got here by the way.....

-Aphrodite: I....I can't....take this any longerrrr......

-Mario: Hey, relax, Aphrodite, we've dealt with Koopa before. We can handle this situation. We'll head for the ramparts and fend off his creeps with great ease, right, lads?

-Toad: Yeah, whatever.....

-Luigi: I'll go. My life has no value, it makes no difference if I die or not....

-Yoshi: Are ramparts tasty?

-Mario: Allright then! We'll defend the Angel world castle from Koopa's invasion!

-Aphrodite: Well, that's very thoughtful of you. You might as well take that bum Limone wih you, who knows, he could be useful as a decoy.

-Limone: Who's this Limone, then?

-Princess: As for me, I think I'll just stay here and do nothing whatsoever while you lot bravely risk your lives out there!

-Mario: Yes, that is an excellent strategic decision, princess! Allright then, we're off!

Mario, Luigi, Toad, Yoshi and Limone disappear from the throne room. The princess, meanwhile, takes a look out of a window and contemplates the masses of Koopa Troopas that are storming the castle.

-Princess: *sigh* To think that Koopa has mobilized all those troops just to pick little old me up...Aah, there is just something so exciting about power!

The door to the throne room is then suddenly slammed open and Triclyde, Mouser and Fryguy stride in.

-Triclyde: We've got you now, princess! We were sent here by lord Koopa to take you, and there's no way you can escape anymore, so just come along calmly!

-Princess: *cheerfully* Okay, I'm coming, guys!

-Aphrodite: Uhm....did I miss something?

-Princess: Oh drat! Uhm...I mean...Please, Mr. Triclyde, pleeease! I beg of you, don't harm my precious friend queen Aphrodite! I will willingly sacrifice myself and endure all the sick, sadist tortures that you'll impose on me, but for the love of God, don't hurt dear Aphrodite!

-Aphrodite: Oh.....

-Triclyde: That's better. *in a low voice* We don't want your affair with our master to leak out, now do we, princess Toadstool? 

-Aphrodite: No, I can't allow this! You, the freak with three heads, take me instead of this noble girl!

-Triclyde: Eh??

-Princess: Uhm...yes, that's...very nice of you, Aph, but it's no big deal, really...

-Aphrodite: No, I can't just stand here and watch while such a brave woman is being kidnapped by a trio of wierdos! I insist that they take me intead!

-Princess: Oh, brother.....

Aphrodite and the princess continue to argue about who has to be "sacrificed", while Koopa's three henchmen exchange these words.

-Fryguy: Great, now what are we supposed to do?

-Triclyde: We could just kidnap them both.....

-Fryguy: And then what?

-Triclyde: Well, then we....

-Mouser: Enough!! All of you shut the hell up!! I've had it up to here!

Mouser's outburst of anger manages to silence everyone in the room, including Aphrodite and the princess.

-Mouser: *breathing heavily* I can't stand it anymore....princess Toadstool! You backstabbing fiend! Who the hell do you think you are, anyways?! I will never forgive you for what you have done! Having a romantic supper with my lord Koopa, right underneath my very eyes, that was the last straw!

-Fryguy: Eep, Mouser is being scary! Stop him, Clyde!

-Mouser: I'm warning you, princess Toadstool, you human kewpie doll! Know that if you want to so much as lay a finger on lord Koopa, you'll have to answer to me!

-Triclyde: This is getting out of hand....Oi, Mouser, take it easy....

-Mouser: You stay out of this, Triclod!

Mouser then punches Triclyde's face with such force that the three-headed creature faints on the spot

-Fruguy: Eeeeh!! Scary!! *faints as well*

-Mouser: This matter is just between princess Toadstool and me! You've gone far enough as it, Toadstool, it's time to end this!!

Mouser then whips out two gatling guns and starts to fire them wildly, laughing like a maniac. The princess and Aphrodite start to tap-dance around like lunatics to avoid the bullets.

-Aphrodite: Eeyaaah!! Who is this nutter?!

-Princess: Eek! Wait! Mouser, can't we just talk this over?

-Mouser: Get twisted, you sick Gumby woman! Talk it over?! Wuhahahahaha!! In yer dreams, girly! Lord Koopa is mine! Mine, do you hear?! Waahahahahaaa!!

This scene continues until Mouser's gatling guns run out of ammo. With an angered yell, he flings them away and takes out two rocket launchers instead

-Mouser: Next one! Eat this!!

The content of the rocket launchers is fired into the throne room. In a matter of seconds, the whole castle is filled with rockets flying about and exploding all over the shop. Gradually, the entire castle starts to crumble because of this. Up on the ramparts, total panic breaks out. Cut to a shot of Mario and the others running around in hysteria as the very ground under their feet begins to crumble.

-Toad: Whoa, what's going on?!

-Yoshi: I swear that this time, it's not my stomach growling!

-Luigi: Just as I expected, we will all die horribly....not that it matters.....

Cut back to a shot of the throne room, which is now mostly blown to smithereens. Mouser has used up his rockets, and is now holding a humongous bazooka and grinning like a loon.

-Mouser: Prrrriiiiincessss Toadstooooool....for all that you have done to me....you will die, screaming!

-Princess: Wait a minute! I you fire that thing in here, you'll blow up the entire castle!

-Mouser: That's the idea! I will blow you sky high! Woohahaaaa! Splash, boom!!

Camera zooms in on Mouser's finger pulling back the trigger of his bazooka, then cuts to a shot of Koopa driving in a large black sports car, while muttering these words to himself:

-Koopa: What's taking those boneheads so long? They should've been back at the Devil world castle with the princess long ago. Grrrmbl, I bet they've freaked up even this simple assignment. Hrmph, if I want something done, I'll have to do it myself. Right, the Angel world castle should be just around the corner, I'll just rip off the princess by myself. I really can't depend on my dim underlings!

Koopa parks his car, gets out and contemplates the impressive view of the majestic Angel world castle stretching out before him. The Angel world castle in the distance then explodes into a million pieces. Koopa's eyes widen and his jaw drops at the sight of this. Cut to a shot of the only bits and bobs of rubble that are left of the castle. Everyone is lying unconscious among the debris. The only ones left standing are Mouser and the princess.

-Princess: See? I told you you'd blow up the whole shop.

-Mouser: Damn you! I command you to die, this instant!

Mouser then takes out a double-barreled shotgun and aims it at the princess. However, before he can fire the shotgun, a large green hand is placed on his left shoulder, and Koopa's voice is heard, addressing him in these terms

-Koopa: Mouser....

Mouser turns around, shocked and flustered

-Mouser: Oh...Lord Koopa.....

-Koopa: Mouser...I'm glad to have found you....you see, there is something very important I have been wanting to tell you for such a long time....

-Mouser: *blushes*.....really?

-Koopa: Yes...I've hesitated long, but now I'm ready to tell you how I really feel. Please listen well...

-Mouser:...milord....

Mouser then takes off his sunglasses and raises his eyes to Koopa

-Mouser: I'm listening.....

-Koopa: Mouser.....I think you are.....you are....an absolute idiooooot!!

Enraged, Koopa uppercuts Mouser into the air. Mouser is sent flying off into the distance by the mighty blow, emitting screams of despair. The princess then speaks up.

-Princess: My hero! Oh, Koopa, that was so cool! You've saved me from that freak, just in time! You're woooonderful!

-Koopa: Hang on, it gets better. I managed to get tickets for "Phantom of the Opera", front row seat, just you and me!

-Princess: Oh, brilliant! So you're cultured as well as rich and sexy?! Wow, you really do have everything!

-Koopa: Well, only the best is good enough for you....Let's go, my car is parked just down the road.

Koopa and the princess walk away, exchanging a few more remarks. The camera zooms out from the pile of rubble that was once the Angel world castle. Sound of crows cawing is heard in the distance.


	3. Episode 3: Doctor of my Heart

-Mario: Oh, you're still here? Well, it's still the Super Mario Brothers Freaky Show....

**Episode 3: Doctor of my Heart**

"Plumber's log, number 911. We had received this distress call from king Penicillin of Medicaland. Since we had nothing else to do, we decided to pay him a visit and see what was wrong. Besides, it was bound to be something strictly meaningless like a lost contact lens or something. Anyway, we went to Medicaland and were received in king Penicillin's castle...."

Fade in to a shot of a large skyscraper-like building. A large red cross and red neon letters spelling "Medicaland royal castle" light up on the building's front. Inside, Mario and his gang are standing opposite to a nervous-looking king Penicillin

-Penicillin: Oh, thank heavens you came! It's terrible! You must help me, I beg of you!

-Mario: Hey, no sweat, we'll find your lost contact lens!

-Penicillin: My contact lens has got nothing to do with it! No, it's my daughter, Princess Aspirin. She was kidnapped!

-Mario: Oh, I see, and so you called the experts of Princess-rescuing, eh?

-Penicillin: I did, but they were too busy so I had to resort to you lot....

-Mario: Hrrrm...*sweatdrop*. Well, you know that heroism doesn't come cheap. We won't do this unless you pay us big time!

-Yoshi: And give us lots of food!

-Penicillin: Anything you say! Just as long as you can bring my dear Princess Aspirin back!

-Luigi: But that's impossible. We have no idea where she is, we're all so useless and powerless. We can't do anything.....

-Toad: Oh, shut up, you sound like you're reading from an Evangelion script.

-Princess: Yeah, as if we could ever afford scriptwriters of that caliber...

-Mario: But he does have a point. We have no clue as to where we might find this Princess Aspirin person.

-Penicillin: Don't worry! I managed to identify the kidnapper, and I even have a picture. The one who kidnapped my daughter is the dreaded Nurse Koopa!

The king produces a photo of Koopa dressed in a hospital nurse's uniform, complete with high-tops and stockings, and holds it up to Mario's face

-Princess: What?!

-Mario: Oh, kinky Koopa's at it again, eh?

-Toad: *flat, monotone voice* Man, what a surprise.... 

-Penicillin: Nurse Koopa has taken my daughter to his clinic. You must go there and rescue her! 

-Yoshi: Is that tasty, a clinic?

-Mario: Well, I dunno...you still haven't told us what we're getting for it.

-Princess: *to herself* What the heck is this all about?! Is Koopa cheating on me with this Princess Aspirin? Or is she trying to steal Koopa away from me? Why would he kidnap someone else besides me? What is the relation between Koopa and this other woman? I've got to find out what this is all about, and make sure that Koopa remains mine!

-Mario: So you see, king Penicillin, we're just about the best in the business, and our wages are pretty high....

-Princess: Never mind that! We're going to storm Nurse Koopa's clinic right away! Chaaaarge!

The Princess rushes out of the room, dragging the four others behind her.

-Penicillin: But...but wait! I haven't even told you where Nurse Koopa's clinic is yet!

Fade out and cut to a view of Koopa's clinic -another big hospital-like building, only this time emblazoned with a large logo that reads -"Koopa Clinic"- Cut to a shot of the clinic cantine. Mouser, Triclyde and Fryguy are sitting around the bar, in their usual slumped poses. Mouser is wearing a white lab coat, and Triclyde is wearing stethoscopes on his three heads.

-Triclyde: Oh man, that was some fiasco at the Devil world...I need a coffee.....

A large mug of coffee is shoved in front on Triclyde. His leftmost head sighs and dunks it's snout into the mug, and proceeds to make gross slurping noises.

-Fryguy: *takes a cigarette from between his lips and blows some smoke rings. He then looks at the cofee-slobbering Triclyde* Won't his left head drown like that?

-Mouser: Who cares? I don't see why we're wasting our time in this dump. I mean, what does lord Koopa want with yet another Princess anyway?

-Fryguy: Heh heh, didn't you know? By kidnapping another woman, he wants to make his sweetheart jealous.

-Mouser: But, there's no need for him to make me jealous! He knows that I will forever love him as it is!

-Fryguy: I wasn't referring to you, you dope! Man, you are so dense! By "his sweetheart", I meant Princess Toadstool, and not you of course.

-Mouser: Sob...you could put it more delicately. A human heart feels pain so easily. Therefore, all men are fundamentally alone....

-Fryguy: Yeah, now where did I hear that line before?

-Triclyde: Oh drat, my leftmost nose got stuck in this darned coffee mug. Hey, can someone get this mug off my nose?

-Mouser: If it's a nose job you want, go to the fifth floor.

-Triclyde: No, get this coffee mug off my nose! Not "get this nose off my mug"!

-Mouser: Oh, that. Actually, I think it sort of suits you. 

-Fryguy: Well, anyway, aren't we supposed to be preparing the defenses around the clinic, in case we get attacked?

-Triclyde: Hmm, that's right. We're usually buried with new combat orders in the mornings, but they're late today...

-Fryguy: Well, you know that lord Koopa's not really a morning person. He's probably still taking a lengthy shower right now.

-Mouser: Gulp....Lord Koopa....taking a shower...?? Whoaaa!!

Mouser falls to the ground, with large streams of blood shooting from his nostrils, and then faints.

-Fryguy: Eeeek! Scary! I can't stand the sight of blood! Quick,a cigarette!

-Triclyde: Man, that was some nosebleed. I never knew Mouser had it for lord Koopa that bad....

-Fryguy: Hmm...yeah.... *sweatdrop*

Suddenly, an alarm bell rings, red lights start to flash, and the following message is belted out through a speaker:

-"Emergency! Emergency! Intruders spotted at the main entry gate! We're under attack!"-

-Fryguy: Eeeek! Oh my god, that's scaryyy! More cigarettes, quick!

-Triclyde: Take it easy, it's probably just Mario and his dopes. 

Suddenly, Mouser rises to his feet, with lumps of cotton stuck in his nostrils to stop his nosebleed, and with a huge, nasty grin on his face.

-Mouser: It's that Princess Toadstool again! She's here! That will be a perfect opportunity to continue our little conversation from the Angel world castle! Quick, I need to load up my machine guns!

-Fryguy: Eeeeh! It's so frightening when he does his psycho routine! Clyyyde, I'm scaaared!

-Triclyde: *sweatdrop* Am I the only normal person in here?

-Fryguy: You're not normal...

-Mouser: You two, listen up! I want you to drive the Princess into my lair, so I can blow her to pieces!

-Triclyde: But, we're not supposed to kill our master's girlfriend.....

-Mouser: *glares angrily* Don't you contradict me.

-Fryguy: Yikes! Scary! He means it, we had better not make difficulties, Clyde.

-Triclyde: Gulp...I think you're right.

Cut to a shot of the Princess furiously kicking in the door to Koopa's clinic. The door is smashed to bits, and she enters the clinic, followed by Mario and the others.

-Princess: Grrr, Koopa has some serious explaining to do!

-Toad: Wow, the Princess isn't usually this determined....

-Mario: Oh, look, Koopa's weloming party is heading right for us.

Triclyde, Fryguy and a pack of Koopa Troopas armed with huge injection needles arrive on the scene.

-Triclyde: Wu ha ha ha ha! End of the road, Mario! You've got no chance against us! These giant injection needles are full of deadly germs; one small prick from them and you will have mad cow's disease for the rest of your life! And if that fails, we can always kill you by injecting an overdose of heroin into you! Uwa ha ha ha!

The Koopa Troopas chuckle nastily and brandish their giant injection needles.

-Yoshi: Is an injection needle tasty?

-Princess: You don't scare me, Twerpclyde! And what's with the coffee mug on your left nose? Really cute...

-Mario: Oh no, this is very bad. Don't provoke him! Dodgy medicine is something to be dreaded indeed. I say we forget about fighting them and ruin all the action by simply legging it!

-Toad: Yes, that is a brilliant, unexpected and certainly very effective move!

-Luigi: I say it sucks....

-Toad: Well, it does, actually, but a "run away quickly" scene is easier to animate than a big fight scene. Our budget is low enough as it is, you know.

-Yoshi: What's a budget? Is it tasty?

-Mario: Never mind, let's just make a run for it!

-Princess: But I wanna smash their skulls in!

-Toad: Hmm, whatever happened to little miss me-so-bimbo?

-Triclyde: Are you quite finished?! I hate it when I get ignored like that! Koopa Troopas, go! Inject them full of dodgy germs! Do it!

-Fryguy: Clyde, you're supposed to say "Koopa pack, attack!"

-Triclyde: Oh, gimme a break, that sounds way too cheesy. Now hurry up, Troopas! Fight! Kill! Rip!

The Troopas rush towards Mario and his gang, who run away at full speed. After a pointless chase scene, they're stuck at a dead end.

-Mario: Oh, crap, a dead end!

-Luigi: Oh, how miserable. We'll all be injected with mad cow's disease and die very embarrassingly.

-Toad: Oh, that's just great. This always happens when we do a "run away quickly" scene.

-Yoshi: Everyone, look! There's an elevator right next to us! Let's escape into the elevator!

-Toad: Gee, something like that always happens when we do a "stuck in a dead end" scene.

They rush into the elevator, just before Triclyde and the Koopa Troopas manage to catch up with them.

-Triclyde: Drat, they escaped into the elevator!

-Fryguy: That always happens when we do a "trap them in a dead end" scene....*sigh* Oh well, got any smokes left, Clyde?

Cut to a shot of the Mario gang inside the elevator, staring at the buttons on the control panel

-Toad: Hmmm, which floor should we go to? There are about twenty different floors, and we have no idea where we might find Princess Aspirin.

-Luigi: I told you this was doomed to failure....

-Princess: Look, someone's drawn a big red circle around the button for floor 15....That's odd, isn't it?

-Toad: Could it be a clue?

-Yoshi: Is a clue something tasty?

-Mario: Naw, it's probably an elaborate plan to kill us by tempting us into pressing a button that will cause the elevator to self-destruct!

-Princess: Oh dear, what a dilemma!

-Toad: Well, you had better make up your minds quickly, as Yoshi has started eating the elevator!

-Everyone: Yikes!!

Cut to a shot of Yoshi who is munching away at the elevator walls

-Yoshi: Yum! This elevator thing is tasty!

-Mario: You idiot! Stop eating that or we'll all fall to our doom!

-Toad: Aah, forget it! Let's just press that dumb button, before I get claustrophobia!

Immediately, Toad rams the button for floor 15. A silence follows....

-Mario: Moron! You've just single-handedly sent us to hell! That button was a booby trap, just like I expected!

But suddenly, the elevator starts to move upwards, to floor fifteen, perfectly normally.

-Mario: Or maybe it's not....Oh, I forgot that Koopa is a complete idiot who could never in yer life design such an intricate strategy!

-Toad: And even if he could, our producers could never afford a prop for an exploding elevator.

-Luigi: It's important to remember that the best course of action in this show is to just switch off your brain completely.

The elevator arrives at floor fifteen and it's doors open to reveal a long corridor, at the end of which is located a single door. Everone walks down the corridor toward the door at it's end.

-Mario: Could this be the door to Princess Aspirin's prison cell?

-Princess: We'll find out soon enough!

With another enraged kick, she destroys the door in front of them.

-Toad: Is she making a habit out of destroying doors?

-Yoshi: She's not acting like her usual self today.....

-Mario: Maybe she's having her period?

-Princess: Guys, look, the door I've just smashed leads to a weirdo room!

Camera pans around the room whose door the Princess has just kicked in. The walls are covered with posters of Koopa, a small altar with a photo of Koopa on it and many candles and bouquets of flowers stands in the middle of the room, bearing the inscription "To my love". On a bed in a corner of the room sits a huge plush doll of Koopa.

-Everyone: Oooh, what a weirdo room!

-Toad: Look at this, there are shelves with nothing but scrapbooks full of photos of Koopa all over the place....

-Luigi: Even the curtains and the wallpaper have Koopa's face printed on them.

-Mario: It's like a Koopa shrine in here.

-Yoshi: That big Koopa plush doll looks kind of tasty....

-Princess: This must be the room of someone with a serious Koopa-obsession...

Suddenly, Mouser appears in the doorway.

-Mouser: That is correct! You are in my domain here, Princess Kewpie Doll!

-Princess: Argh, it's the rat!

-Mouser: "Rat"?! Why you little nuisance, it's Doctor Mouser to you!

-Princess: Oh, that's right, the hysterical one who has the hots for Koopa.

-Mouser: Tsch, speak for yourself, you tramp! I didn't get a chance to finish you off at the Angel world castle, but this time, there'll be no escaping!

With those words, Mouser takes out two plasma rifles and aims them at the Princess and the others.

-Mouser: Eat laser missile death, you imbeciles!

-Princess: But, wait a minute, Mouser, we're on the same side here. Princess Aspirin is a rival to both of us, shouldn't we concentrate on that?

-Mouser: I'm not falling for that! After all the suffering you've put me through, there's no way I'll let you live! I won't let anyone stand in the way of my happiness together with lord Koopa!

-Princess: Uhm...but if you fire those guns in here, you'll seriously damage your Koopa collection...

-Mouser: Yikes! You have a point there....

-Princess: Well, you see, there's no reason the shoot us then, so we'll just be going now, okay?

-Mouser: Yes, see ya........Heeey, wait a minute, I'm not falling for that either! If we can't fight here, then I challenge you to a duel to death on the clinic's rooftop!

-Princess: Drat, I was so close!

Cut to a shot of Mouser facing the Princess and the others on the hospital's rooftop. He's still holding the two plasma rifles and grinning madly.

-Mouser: And now, I'll finally blow you to pieces and have lord Koopa all to myself! Wuhahaha!!

-Princess: I see. Well, if you get to pull out the big guns, then so do I! Look at this, Mouser!

The Princess then takes a pair of black boxer shorts with small skulls printed on them out of her pocket and holds them up.

-Princess: This is one of Koopa's slips!

-Mouser: Whoa!!

Mouser's eyes widen and a small drop of blood runs from his left nostril. He drops his guns and staggers forward, in a trance-like haze, his hands outstretched for the undergarment in the Princess' hand.

-Mouser: P...panties...give them....give them to me!!

-Princess: Oh, you want these? Well, catch!

She then throws the pair of shorts from the hospital roof, and they glide all the way down.

-Mouser: Arf! They're mine!

Mouser then jumps off the rooftop to catch the panties and disappears from the screen. A scream and a crash are heard as he falls down all 20 floors of the hospital.

-Princess: Heh heh, easy victory!

-Toad: Princess, that was cool! But, where did you get a pair of Koopa's undies from?

-Princess: Oops! Erm...well, I...uhm...I was saving them...for an emergency....see, I was...uhm, planning to exploit this weakness of Mouser in case he attacked! Yes, that's it! (Whew, I nearly blew it!)

-Mario: Oh, and we can take the plasma rifles that Mouser dropped with us.

-Luigi: We could, but Yoshi has just eaten them.

-Yoshi: Burp! Plasma rifle tastes nice!

-Mario: I'm getting an urge to throw Yoshi off the hospital roof as well....

-Princess: Never mind about that, we still have to find out if Koopa's double-timing me with this Princess Aspirin!

-Everyone: Huh??

-Princess: Uhm, I mean, we have to rescue the poor, defenseless, frightened Princess Aspirin right away! Go, go, this can't wait!

Cut to a shot of Koopa in his nurse uniform, standing in a throne room and looking at a computer monitor on which the scene where the Princess makes Mouser jump off the hospital rooftop replays . Behind him, Princess Aspirin is tied to a post.

-Koopa: Just as I thought, my Princess still loves me! She didn't forget about me, she came all this way just because she's worried about this Princess Aspirin incident! Phew, what a relief!

-Aspirin: Uhm...well, in that case, you don't need to keep me imprisoned anymore, so maybe you could just let me go now?

-Koopa: Oh, that's right, you've outrun your utility, so I guess I could just kill you now....*takes out a gun and points it at Princess Aspirin*

-Aspirin: Aieee!! Oh no, me and my big mouth!

Just then, the door is flung open, and the Princess rushes in, followed by Mario and the others

-Princess: Koopa, what is the meaning of this?! I hope you can explain what this is all about!

-Koopa: Oh, hey babe.

-Princess: Don't "hey babe" me! I want to know exactly what is going on here!

-Koopa: Sure, but first...

Koopa then presses a switch on a nearby computer panel. This causes a trap door underneath Mario, Yoshi, Luigi and Toad to open, and they disappear screaming.

-Koopa: There, now that we're on our own again, I'll explain. You see, you hadn't returned any of my calls lately...I couldn't contact you at all, and I was getting worried that you might have abandoned me, so I staged this whole kidnapping scenario to make you jealous. Sorry if I've been a bit of a jerk......

-Princess: Awww, Koopa, you're so silly! Of course I hadn't forgotten about you, my little bat out of hell. It was just that Yoshi who had eaten my telephone and most of my wiring, so I couldn't get through to you until they got fixed.

-Koopa: So, you're not angry?

-Princess: You know I can't stay angry at you. Besides, this proved how intensely we long for each other.

-Aspirin: Uhm, that's very nice and everything, but can I get out of here now?

-Koopa: Oh, sure.

Koopa then picks up Princess Aspirin and flings her out of a nearby window.

-Princess: Allright, brute strength and gratuitous slapstick violence! My favorites! Koopa, you're the best!

-Koopa: Heh heh, you're not too bad yourself....

-Princess: Aww, my despicable little heap of nasty trash, how absolutely revolting I find you...*flutters eyelids*

-Koopa: *blushes* Oh, wow....

Cut to a shot of Mouser lying flat of his face at the foot of the hospital building. Suddenly, Princess Aspirin falls on top of him. He wakes up, shakes her off and gives her an angry stare

-Mouser: What the...? You! You're that other woman! You're a rival as well, trying to snatch lord Koopa away from me! 

-Aspirin: Ergh, who is this guy?

-Mouser: Huwaaaargh, eat this!!

He whips out two UZI's and starts to fire them wildly. Princess Aspirin runs away, shrieking in panic. Mouser then contemplates the tall hospital building for a while.

-Mouser:....By now, that Princess Toadstool must've gotten to lord Koopa and must have her filthy paws all over him....Grrr, just thinking of it drives me mad! I will not allow it to happen! If I can't have lord Koopa, then neither can she!

Mouser then takes a nuclear warhead out of his pocket and looks at it....

-Mouser: Hmmm, I was saving this nuke for a real emergency....and this is a real emergency! This is it, total obliteration!

Mouser then lobs the nuke at the hospital building, which immediately explodes in a huge mushroom cloud. Cut to a shot of Mario, Luigi, Yoshi, Toad and the Princess soaring through the air, projected by the force of the explosion, with looks of surprise and disbelief on their faces. Cut back to a shot of Mouser standing in front of the smoldering remains of the hospital. Suddenly, a lightly burned and severely ruffled-up Koopa comes falling from the sky and crash-lands on the ground next to Mouser. Mouser runs to him, and leaning over him, he blabbers the following monologue:

-Mouser: Oh, lord Koopa! Oh my, you are wounded! How terrible! Who did this to you?! Speak to me, milord, are you allright?! Oh, my poor baby, does it hurt? There, there, don't worry, I'm here. Doctor Mouser will take good care of you, yes, yes. Don't worry, just relax and put yourself in my care...

But while Mouser is monologueing away, he doesn't notice how Koopa's hands are slowly reaching for his throat, until it's too late and Koopa has grabbed hold of Mouser and is violently trying to strangle him.

-Koopa: You....you imbecile! You've ruined everything as usual! You complete and utter moron! 

-Mouser: Ah...gasp....oh, you're being so violently passionate all of a sudden!

-Koopa: Shut up!!

Camera pans out while Koopa continues to strangle Mouser, yelling at him in anger and slowly fades out.


	4. Episode 4: Trials of a Passionate Heart

Mario: For those of you who didn't run away screaming just yet, you had better do so, because once again, it's the Super Mario Brothers Freaky Show! Mu wa ha ha ha haaa! Flip!

**Episode 4: The Trials of a Passionate Heart**

"Plumbers log, number 1999. Word had reached us that Koopa had sent out one of his men to find a legendary secret sanctuary, where the key to incredible power was hidden. Just so happens, this secret sanctuary was supposedly hidden in Lousyland, the most deprived region of the entire Mushroom world. Just our luck. But anyway, we did go to investigate, just in case, and we had just picked up what might be a lead to the whereabouts of Koopa's boys".

Fade in to a view of a desert-like region. Mario and his gang are dragging themselves along a battered desert pathway, with burnt-out cigarettes littering the ground.

-Toad: Hey, I think I recognize this place from somewhere....it looks so strangely familiar.

-Luigi: That's because "this place" is really the same set we used for that one episode where Koopa tried to ravage the entire world by injecting lethal doses of heroin into the atmosphere via a badly-drawn satellite.

-Toad: *groan* You know you've hit zero budget when you have to re-use the same set and hope that nobody will notice.

-Yoshi: Well, it's not like anyone watches this show, so we'll probably get away with it.

-Mario: Will you lot keep quiet?! I'm about to have a major breakthrough and say something very thoughtful that will make the plot progress!

-Toad: That'll be a first....

-Luigi: Whatever, if it'll take this painstakingly lame plot somewhere, let's hear it.

-Mario: Well, allright then. Consider the unusually large amount of cigarette butts littering the ground in this area....

-Princess: Maybe they're a side effect from the heroin-satellite incident of a few episodes ago?

-Mario: Shhh, that never happened. Anyway, this unusually large amount of cigarette butts...

-Yoshi: Is that tasty, a cigarette butt?

-Toad: You have a filthy mind, Yoshi.

-Mario: Hey, stop interrupting me! Anyway, the sudden concentration of cigarette litter, the fact that one of Koopa's agents is in this area, and the fact that one of these agents, Fryguy to be precise holds the title of world's biggest nicotine slurper can only mean one thing. The connection between all these events is blatantly obvious. Their connection must be.....it can only be....a complete and utter coincidence!!

Everyone slams face-forward onto the ground upon hearing this. 

-Toad: Dohhh, Mario! Promise me that you'll never, ever try to think again!

-Mario: Sure, fine with me. I wasn't planning on thinking on a regular basis anyways.

-Yoshi: But now we're sure that it's Fryguy who is looking for the Saint Sanctuary of Almighty Armageddon (tm)....

-Princess: It just had to be called that, huh?

-Yoshi: Well, in native Lousyland language it's known as the "Arf ou ou ou squeek zip zi ho ha" place, so I think we really are better off with the alternative that our writers came up with.

-Princess: Yeah, I see your point. But if it's just Fryguy we should be able to cope. All we need to do is shout "boo!" at him and he'll have a fatal heart attack. No biggie, right?

-Luigi: That is, unless he gets to the arf ou ou ou place before we do and gains the saint power of almighty destruction and kills us all in one mighty blow.

-Toad: Yeah, and let's always think positive, eh?

-Everyone: Riiiight.....

Fade out and cut to a shot of Fryguy, who is walking along the same desert road all by himself. Several cigarettes are clasped between his trembling lips. Camera slowly zooms in on his nervous face, as he speaks these words to himself:

-Fryguy: I...I'm scared...this place gives me the creeps. It freaks me out, but I musn't give in to my fears...I musn't run away, I musn't run away, I musn't run away! I must face my father and pilot EVA!....Oh, hang on, that's the wrong script, the one with the other sniveling wuss in it. But still, I won't chicken out! Not after what happened last time....

Image goes all blurry and switches to a flashback of a transformed fireball Mario blasting Mouser and Triclyde. They both fall to the ground, screaming, and pass out in an overly dramatic slow-motion sequence. 

-Fryguy: N...no! Mouser! Clyde!

-Mario: And now for you, Marlboro-breath! After I've dealt with you, I'll punch Koopa's face in and restore peace to the once-happy region of Marihuanaland which he has so cruelly put under his reign of terror!

-Fryguy: Everything depends on me now....I'm the last line of defense between Mario and Lord Koopa. I may be a nervous wreck and a total wuss, but this time, I'll give it my all!

-Mario: Oh, right, and just what can you do? Cry for help? Beg for mercy?

-Fryguy: Shut up! I'll show you! I can fight, too! Really! Here comes my secret technique of incredible destructiveness! I didn't want to resort to this, but there is no other way now....prepare yourself! Here comes my mega-effective, super-secret, eye-popping...

-Mario: Uh oh.....

-Fryguy:...and simply marvelous....run away move! Run awaaaayyyy!!

He then turns around and legs it at full speed while a huge sweatdrop rolls down Mario's head. The image then fades out again, and Fryguy's voice is heard as the screen goes dark:

-Fryguy: Because I backed off, Mario was able to defeat Lord Koopa once again, and all our plans were foiled...all because of my ineptitude....

The flashback then continues as the image fades in to a shot of the bar, where Mouser and Triclyde are giving Fryguy scornful looks.

-Triclyde: Smoke-boy really made a mess of it this time.

-Fryguy: But...but Clyde...

-Mouser: Shut it, you! Because of your patheticness, Mario defeated us again, our plans went down the drain, and my poor honey Koopa was hurt! I won't forgive you for that! Oh, when I think of how my dearly beloved Lord Koopa must suffer...You see, he may appear tough, rugged and drool-tastically masculine (and he is!), but he is also very fragile and sensitive...All he wants, in the end, is some simple kindness...*sigh*.

-Triclyde: You're getting off the subject, there...

-Mouser: Aahh, my Lord Koopa, how I long to be cuddled in his big, strong arms!

-Triclyde: Waaaayy off the subject. Oh, forget it, he's no longer listening....As for you, Frygirly, you're an utter disgrace.

-Fryguy: Clyde...but I...*sniff*...I couldn't help it...*sob*

-Triclyde: I don't want to hear it! You're of no use whatsoever!

-Mouser: And to think that such a pansy calls himself an elite Koopa servant! Him, serving someone as irresistibly manly as my Lord Koopa! Fryguy, you're an absolute transvestite!

-Triclyde: Mouser, don't you mean "an absolute travesty"?

-Mouser: Oh, what's the difference?

-Triclyde: Being a transvestite is what Lord Koopa does on a regular basis. The word you're looking for is definitely "travesty". 

-Mouser: Well, it doesn't matter! What it comes down to is that he sucks! He's worthless!

The flashback ends, and the image fades back to a close-up of Fryguy's face, still trekking through the desert.

-Fryguy: That's why...that's why I've gone to Lousyland. If I find this saint sanctuary, I might gain the strength I need to be a brave Koopa soldier! Yes, I'll return with the secret power of the sanctuary, and then I'll be a full-fledged servant of the valourous Koopa army! No-one will be calling me a transvestite anymore....or a travesty for that matter. I'll show them what I'm really made of!

The camera then zooms out and reveals that Fryguy hasn't been paying attention to where he was going while he was having his big monologue, and has absent-mindedly walked right into a pool of quicksand and is slowly sinking down into it. He suddenly snaps out of his contemplative mood and notices his blunder, which causes him to make the following remark:

-Fryguy: Oh no! What have I done?!

Cut to a shot of Mario and his crew, who're taking a short break from their long desert-trekking. Suddenly, a loud vocie is heard:

-Voice: Kyaaaahh!!

-Princess: Oi, did someone just scream?

-Mario: Probably someone who lost a contact lens.

-Yoshi: Or someone who's being harassed by a peeping Tom.

-Luigi: It's probably someone who's trying to commit suicide.

-Toad: Either way, why should we care?

-Princess: Right.

-Voice: Aaaargh! Eeeeeek! Whoaaaaa! Yikes!!

-Mario: Whoever that is, he's getting on my nerves, screaming like that. I'm going over there to tell him to keep the bloody noise down.

-Toad: Yes, good idea!

They all head over to where the hysterical screams are coming from. However, once they get there, all they see is a pool of quicksand, with some small bubbles coming out of it.

-Luigi: Oh no, we're too late. Whoever it was who was desperately screaming for help, while drowning in the quicksand all alone, he's dead now. It is tragic....

-Mario: Well, at least he won't bother us with his screaming anymore.

Suddenly, Fryguy's head pops out of the quicksand puddle

-Fryguy: Bwarf! Hey, I'm not dead yet!

-Princess: Oh, it was only Fryguy.

-Fryguy: Thank heavens you heard me! Quick, save me from this quicksand before I sink back into it!

-Yoshi: Do you think quicksand is tasty?

-Mario: Dunno. But I hope this Fryguy won't begin to scream again, or else I'll never be able to catch a nap.

-Fryguy: You idiots, don't just stand there, get me out of here!

-Toad: Not if you don't say please.

-Fryguy: Get bent, you moron! This is no time for manners, save me from drowning in the quicksand again, you bunch of freaks!

-Toad: No. You've hurt our feelings, now we won't do it.

-Fryguy: Oh, give me a break, I don't believe this! Eeek! I don't want to drown! Nooooo!

Fryguy begins to sink back into the sand slowly, screaming like a maniac, while the Mario crew all chant "nya, nya, nya-nya nyaaa" at him. He continues to sink and scream, but suddenly, five small, luminous objects shoot out from the quicksand around Fryguy. The camera focuses in on these objects, and reveals them to be burning cigarettes, hovering in mid-air above Fryguy.

-Princess: Hey, what are those?

-Fryguy: Oh! It's the guys!

-Everyone: "The guys??"

-Fryguy: Lucille, Marie-Antoinette and Oscar! My cigarettes, you're here!

-Mario: Give me a break. He actually gives names to his cigarettes?!

-Fryguy: Oh, Michiru and Haruka are there as well! Yeah, my cigarettes will save me!

-Toad: Ad he names them Michiru and Haruka of all things...

The cigarettes begin to hover around Fryguy in a circular pattern and slowly draw out a luminous pentagram. Fryguy then miraculously begins to levitate out of the quicksand pit, and he is carried to safe grounds. The cigarettes then fall neatly into his hands.

-Fryguy: You guys...you've saved me! Thank you so much!

-Luigi: Those brave cigarettes saved their master's life...it's so touching...

-Princess: I say it's twisted to the max.

Suddenly, another loud scream is heard, and a Lousyland native pops up. He then rushes over to Fryguy and kneels down in front of him, speaking these words:

-Native: Honourable stranger, you who posses such amazing powers, we welcome you, and rejoice at your long-awaited arrival.

-Fryguy: Oh, well gee, thanks...

-Native: This is a good tiding for the people of Lousyland, for with such god-like abilities, you must be the chosen one, the legendary hero who will conquer the saint sanctuary. Come, noble stranger, I must take you to the secret sanctuary, so that you can fulfill your destiny!

-Fryguy: Uhm...well, I don't really understand, but if you could take me to that sanctuary place, I'd appreciate it.

-Native: Count on it, honourable visitor! Taxi! 

A taxi arrives sito presto, and opens it's doors. Fryguy is flung into the taxi, and the native hops in next to him. The taxi then drives away at full blast, leaving Mario and his gang behind.

-Toad: Hey, what about us?!

-Princess: This is bad...Fryguy will be taken directly to the sanctuary now.

-Luigi: That means we're all doomed. Rather than suffering the humiliation of getting killed by someone as wimpy as Fryguy, we had better slash our wrists quickly...

-Mario: Oh, go slash your own wrists. I for one am not giving up yet. Yoshi! It's time! I'll ride on you and chase that taxi! Let's go!!

A silence then follows. Mario slowly turns around and notices that Yoshi is sitting in the quicksand, sinking away, with a huge grin on his face.

-Yoshi: Weee! This quicksand is fun! Yoshi like!

-Mario: You absolute idiot! Get out of there, quickly!

-Yoshi: Oh, okay...oh wait, I can't. I'm stuck. Eeeek, I'm drowning! Help! Heeeelp!!

-Princess: *sigh* Here we go again....

Cut to a shot of Fryguy and the Lousyland native inside the taxi. Fryguy takes a deep breath and pronounces the following phrase:

-Fryguy: Phew, that quicksand pit sure was scary. A quick cigarette will calm me down...

He then takes out a nicotine-stick, puts it between his lips and lights it. This seems to take the native by surprise, who comments on this action with these words:

-Native: Oooh, why that is...it's....

-Fryguy: That's a cigarette. Don't tell me you didn't know.

-Native: "Cigarette"...so, it is by that name that such an object goes. I have no more doubts now. Honourable stranger, I am certain that you are the one! Please, I humbly ask of you to go to the sanctuary with me!

-Fryguy: Sure, that's why I came here in the first place...

-Native: I am most grateful. Every year, we are flooded by annoying tourists who want to see the sacred sanctuary, but somehow, when they get there, they are disappointed. Everyone says that our sanctuary is really a capital rip-off, this bad reputation is severely damaging our tourism-heavy industry....

-Fryguy: Well, I'm sorry to hear that, but what does it have to do with me?

-Native: I'm certain that you have the qualities to see the truth behind the sanctuary! You will no doubt be able to understand it's secrets, and you will be able to prove to the world that the sanctuary of Lousyland is not a rip-off!

-Fryguy: But, I heard that the key to some huge and mysterious power is hidden there...

-Native: That is true. A sacred object of incredible destructiveness is located there. But still, all the tourists who have visited the sanctuary were unimpressed. They laughed in our faces, and called the saint object a pathetic piece of junk. But I am sure that you are different! We have arrived, noble visitor. Now, you will be able to see for yourself...

The taxi had pulled up next to a temple-like building. Fryguy and the native get out, and enter the structure. 

-Fryguy: So...this is the place...it's spooky...

-Native: Honourable stranger, please come this way.

The native then leads Fryguy into a room, where they find a large altar. And on top of this altar, a large, long and thin cigarrette with a winged handle made of pink plastic appears.

-Fryguy: Oooh, why that is....

-Native: Yes, this is the key to unmatched strength, the secret treasure of our sanctuary, the Kaleido Moon Smoke!

-Fryguy: The Kaleido Moon Smoke...Wow! It's awesome!

-Native: Just as I expected, you are the one who has realized it's true beauty. All the others that came here before you did ran off shouting "what a rip-off!", as soon as they caught sight of the Kaleido Moon Smoke, but you are different...

-Fryguy: *grins* Yeah, I get that a lot.

-Native: Now, honourable stranger, the time has come. Take the Kaleido Moon Smoke...

-Fryguy: Huh? You mean it, I can just take it, no charge?

-Native: Of course, you are the legendary chosen one, it is your destiny to wield the incredibly powerful Kaleido Moon Smoke!

-Fryguy: Well, okay, if you say so....

As Fryguy reaches for the Kaleido Moon Smoke, the screen fades out and cuts to a shot of Mario and the others running through the desert.

-Mario: Huff....pant...keep going, we can follow the taxi's tire marks to this sanctuary place!

-Princess: This sucks! It's ruining my shoes, and they're genuine Gaultier brand! Mario, you'll pay for this! 

-Yoshi: But we must hurry! I can already see the sanctuary! Let's make a run for it before Fryguy triggers off the apocalypse or something!

-Princess: *muttering under her breath* This is why I prefer to be with Koopa instead of Mario. At least he knows how to treat a lady properly. He wouldn't put me through such nonsense, and besides, he has such sexy big biceps!

-Toad: Your highness, are you mumbling to yourself again?

-Luigi: How tragic...so young, and she's already growing senile....

-Princess: Oh, shut up, you idiots! 

-Mario: Here it is, we've arrived at the sanctuary!

Camera zooms out to reveal that they are now standing in front of the sanctuary. Suddenly, a loud laugh is heard, a nervous, rapid laugh, bordering on a hysterical giggle, and Fryguy appears in the sanctuary's doorway, holding the Kaleido Moon Smoke.

-Toad: Oh, it's him again?

-Princess: Yes, and it looks like he has finally lost it completely.

-Fryguy: On the contrary, I've found it! The Kaleido Moon Smoke, an ancient weapon of immense power! Behold!

Fryguy proudly brandishes the oversized cigarette above his head and laughs out loud.

-Mario: Oooh, we're so scared.

-Toad: That's it? It looks like a piece of Sailor Moon merchandise gone ugly...

-Yoshi: I think it looks kinda tasty.

-Fryguy: Oh, I bet you think you're really smart. Well, not for long! I will now proceed in typical charismatic super-villain fashion by letting my minions loose upon you instead of doing some fighting of my own. Wuhahahaha!!

-Princess: "Charismatic super-villain", eh? I think this whole affair has gotten to his head...

Fryguy then takes out three cigarettes and addresses these words to them:

-Fryguy: Erigohl, Astaroth, Mephisto, I'm counting on you! Wipe out those Mario morons, and quickly! Go!!

He then makes a dramatic "forward!" gesture, and just stands there for a few short moments while nothing whatsoever happens. The three cigarettes are lying on the ground next to him.

-Fryguy: Erigohl, Astaroth, Mephisto, I said go! Come on, what's the matter with you guys! Why aren't you attacking Mario and his gang of freaks?!

-Toad: This is just a suggestion but...they're cigarettes, remember?

-Fryguy: I know that! Nobody asked you!

-Princess: And you didn't stop to think that cigarettes are just inanimate objects? They're just heaps of tobacco wrapped in paper. They won't move a muscle no matter how much you shout, such a thing is simply impossible.

-Fryguy: No way! I refuse to believe this! Erigohl, Astaroth, Mephisto, I command you to obey me! Protect your master like you did when I was about to drown in the quicksand! Come on, what are you waiting for?!

-Mario: On a side note, even if your cigarettes were able to attack us, do you really think a bunch of cigarettes would be able to kill us?

-Fryguy: This can't be happening! I own the Kaleido Moon Smoke, I am the master of cigarettes! Damn it, why isn't it working?! This Kaleido Moon Smoke was supposed to give me the ability to control every cigarette on the globe, but it's just a piece of junk!

-Toad: Face it, Fryguy, you've failed miserably.

-Fryguy: What a rip-off! That native bloke told me that I was the one! I'm supposed to be the one who can unleash the power to control all the cigarettes!

-Native: Well, I can make mistakes too. Nobody's perfect. Looks like you're not the chosen one after all, noble stranger.

-Fryguy: Now you tell me?! Erigohl, Astaroth, Mephisto, punish this idiotic person for ripping me off, now!!

Once again, nothing happens......

-Fryguy: Oh, that's right, I forgot, it doesn't work.

-Native: Oh well, don't take it so badly. The ability to control cigarettes is an absolutely useless special talent as it is.

-Fryguy: That's not it, I came all this way to become brave and strong! I wanted to find true strength, but it just turned out to be an absolute flop! I wanted to make Mario pay for what he did to me....

-Mario: But instead it looks like we are going to beat you up. Heh heh heh....

-Fryguy: What?! Gulp...no....no, please don't!

-Mario: Fat chance, I'm far too much of a heartless sadist to let you go unharmed.

-Fryguy: Eeeek! No, I'm scared! Mommyyy! Oi, native boke, call me a taxi, quickly!

-Native: No can do. If you're not the chosen one, then I have no reason to suck up to you and be all humble. In other words; get stuffed.

-Fryguy: Shriek! Oh my god, I'm so scaaaared!

-Mario: Your luck has run out, Fryguy, and my fun is just about to begin. Mu wa ha ha haaa!

-Fryguy: That's what you think, Mario, but I still have one last trump card up my sleeve! My run away move! Run awaaaay!!

Before anyone can react, Fryguy has darted off at blinding speed.

-Native: Hey, wait a minute, he took the Kaleido Moon Smoke with him! I got ripped off!

-Luigi: Oh well, that Kaleido whatever thingy was absolutely useless in the first place, so what does it matter?

-Native: Yes, I suppose you're right...

Screen fades out and cuts to a scene, a few days later. Fryguy is sitting at the Koopa Kafé bar with a single cigarette in front of him. Mouser and Triclyde are standing behind him.

-Fryguy: I'll show you, guys! This is the amazing thing that I learned on my long and perilous journey! I have some kind of ESP that allows me to manipulate cigarettes! Look!

-Triclyde: Right, like we believe that...

-Mouser: I'd say he's been smoking something else besides tobacco to come up with nonsense like that.

-Fryguy: It's true, honestly! When I was about to drown in a sandpit, Lucille and the other guys saved me! That was the first manifestation of my power! Now behold, and prepare to be amazed by my awesome supernatural abilities! 

He then makes a few overly dramatic gestures and motions as if he's focusing his energy on the cigarette in front of him.

-Fryguy: Go on, Hisuwashi, my boy, move! You can do it, Hisuwashi! Move, Hisuwashi, your master commands it! Argh, Hisuwashi, you bastard, why won't you move?!

While Fryguy loses his temper and begins to yell at the still motionless cigarette in exasperated fury, Mouser and Triclyde exchange the following remarks:

-Mouser: Same old Fryguy, eh?

-Triclyde: Yup, same old useless freaky Fryguy....

-Fryguy: Damn it, this is such a rip-off! Why won't it moooove?!

Screen fades out while Fryguy continues to yell his head of...


	5. Episode 5: Lucky, Lucky Mouser

-Mario: It's back and it's angry! The Super Mario Brothers Freaky Show! Woohahahahaaa!

**Episode 5: Lucky, Lucky Mouser**

"Plumber's log, number 0800-811-81-81. The kingdom of Horse Puke. Koopa had ripped off the princess again, but after being completely obnoxious and hogging all the screen time, I had once again managed to rescue her, and we were as of now heading back home. God is in his heaven and all is right with the world."

Fade in to a shot of Mario and co, walking along a road, with a ruined Koopa castle in the background.

-Mario: *cheerfully* There, it's over, you're free now, princess!

-Princess: Hrrrmph....

-Toad: It's odd, but she doesn't seem to be too happy to be free.

-Mario: Well, I expect she's still in shock from the terrible fear she had to endure while in captivity. She's very fragile, after all.

-Princess: *thinking* I'll show you fragile, tubby! Geez, what a rip-off! I was supposed to go on a romantic cruise with Koopa, but this jerk ruined everything again! Damn, I was looking forward to having fun with the torpedo launchers on Koopa's yacht! Things can't go on like this! 

Screen fades out and cuts to a shot of the princess' castle, in the evening. In her room, the princess is having a long telephone conversation with Koopa.

-Princess: *on the phone* What I'm saying is that I can't take it anymore! It's always the same, whenever we're together we are interrupted, and everything goes down the drain. I fear that the strain this places on us may be very bad for our relationship in the long run!

-Koopa: I know it, but what can I do? Do you really want to break up because of this? What about all the good times we have together?

-Princess: No, no, I never said I wanted to break up! Honeycakes, I don't blame you for anything. No, Mario's the problem. We've got to do something about him!

-Koopa: You're quite right. Allright then, what should we do? Drop a hydrogen bomb on him? Send 2500 volts of pure electricity through him? Rip off his bus pass?

-Princess: Koopa, honey, we've tried all of those, and they all ended in catastrophe. Brute violence may be lots of fun, but I think it has had it's day. It's time to switch to a different strategy.

-Koopa: And what does this translate into?

-Princess: Well, I think it's about time we got married. I've got it all planned out; we stage another kidnapping, then, you "force" me to marry you. Make some dumb threat about nuking all the naughty nightclubs in the Mushroom kingdom if I refuse. That way, we can quickly get married without losing face, and if Mario still tries to come between us, we sue him and he gets chucked into prison. It's brilliant, isn't it?! I'm sure it'll work like a dream!

-Koopa: Wow, you learn quickly....

-Princess: So, what do you say?

-Koopa: Well...uhm....

-Princess: Don't tell me you're backing off! Hmph, men! You're all the same, always concerned about your big freedom, never wanting to settle down!

-Koopa: No, no, it's nothing like that! Seriously, it's a good plan. It was about time we got married as it is.

-Princess: That's true. A secret affair is so straining, I've been wanting to change that for a long while.

-Koopa: So then, it's official, we're going to tie the knot....

-Princess: Isn't it wonderful? We'll be united forever! 

-Koopa: Wow, forever....

-Princess: Koopa, I'm so happy that this is settled! *sweet voice* Ahh, my pile of rancid horse vomit, you fill me with such intense disgust. I curse your sorry bones to everlasting hell, my complete and utter swine.

-Koopa: Ooh yeah, dirty talk, Mmmh, feels so good....

Fade out and cut to a shot inside the Koopa Kafé bar, a few days later. Mouser pops up on the screen and begins to scream in rage.

-Mouser: Noooo! They can't!! I will not allow them to marry! Never!! That tramp Toadstool, I'm going to rip her to pieces! I will not let her get away with this! Roarrr!!

He then brings his fist crashing down onto the table, which promptly shatters. He picks up a piece of the destroyed table and flings it through the room. He then proceeds to punch in several walls, tables and other parts of the bar.

-Mouser: Arrrrgh! Snarf!

Camera zooms in on his face, which displays a look of furious anger. Tears of rage are streaming from his embittered eyes as he continues to destroy the entire room with his bare hands.

-Mouser:*panting* I won't....admit....my defeat...to that...damned....piece of trash!! Never! Neveeeerrrr!!!

He then falls to his knees and slams his two fists onto the ground before him, causing a huge impact crater to appear around him. A close-up of his clenched fists is shown; drops of blood begin to trickle between his fingers. His face is still a showcase of bitter fury, and between clenched teeth, he mutters these words:

-Mouser: I will never give up my one true love!

Slowly, his head sinks to the ground as well, and he bursts out in loud, desperate weeping. While Mouser cries his heart out, the camera zooms out and Triclyde and Fryguy can be seen, standing in a corner of the ravaged bar. Fryguy is lying on the ground with swirly eyes.

-Fryguy: Awahwaahhhh.....Mommmyyyy....I'm so scared....

-Triclyde: Snap out of it, you. He seems to have calmed down now.

-Fryguy: Huh? Oh, Clyde, are we still alive? *big sigh* Oh man, I thought Mouser would kill us! I've never seen him in such a state!

-Triclyde: Yeah, he's taking this matter very badly indeed.....

For a while they stare at Mouser, who is still crying in despair amidst the ruins of the bar. Close-up of Fryguy's face, who's lips begin to tremble, and who's eyes begin to fill with tears as well.

-Fryguy: Oh noooo, poor Mouser! Now that is really tragiiic! It's terrible! Booohooohoo!

-Triclyde: Wha...? Fryguy, don't tell me you're falling for that.

-Fryguy: Oh, come on, Clyde, how can you not feel sorry for him? It's obvious that he's in terrible pain!

-Triclyde: Just a minute ago, you were screaming that he scared you to death. 

-Fryguy: But still, you know just as well as I do that he really does love Lord Koopa. This must be very difficult for him....

-Triclyde: I don't really care about that. But on the other hand, if this wedding between Lord Koopa and princess Toadstool actually happens, lord knows what Mouser could be capable of.

-Fryguy: Gulp...you don't think...??

-Triclyde: Yes, I do. If his latest outburst is anything to go by, his rage will be absolutely unstoppable if he's pushed any further. In fact, I fear that he might even destroy the world!

-Fryguy: No way, that's scary! Oh man, I really need a cigarette now!

-Triclyde: And I need to think of something. We've got to do something, otherwise this situation will end in absolute disaster. I'd say it's impossible to reason with Mouser, so instead, we'll have to stop this wedding.

-Fryguy: What? Stop Lord Koopa's wedding?? Are you sure about this?

-Triclyde: I admit that it'd be like betraying our master, but I don't want to take any chances. If Mouser has another freak attack, we'll be heading straight for a full-scale apocalypse. So, in order to save our hides, and those of everyone else, we need to put a halt to this wedding.

-Fryguy: Well, I guess you're right....but can we stop the process before Mouser's mood shifts to "psycho" again?

-Triclyde: I rather doubt it. Instead, we should involve Mouser in our plan, in order to keep him calm.

-Fryguy: But we don't even have a plan yet!

-Triclyde: Not yet, but I think I'm on to something right now..... 

Close-up of Triclyde's face, on which a smirky grin is appearing. Screen fades out and cuts to the next scene, at midnight. A white limousine slowly and silently parks itself outside of princess Toadstool's castle. Without anyone noticing, the princess sneaks out of the castle and gets into the back seat of the limo. Cut to a shot inside the limo. Koopa and the princess are sitting next to each other, with Triclyde in the driver's seat. Clyde starts the motor, and they begin to drive down the road to Koopa's castle.

-Princess: Cool, so this is the car you violently ripped off from a defenseless old lady?

-Koopa: Yup, the very same.

-Princess: Ooh, I find the concept of crime and gratuitous violence just sooo exciting. And this thing is just perfect for a wedding, don't you think? I can just picture a "just married" sign plastered all over this baby!

-Koopa: Uhm...yes, that as well......

-Princess: Koopa, you look so nervous. Is something bothering you?

-Koopa: Well, we already tried to do such a scenario once, do you remember?

-Princess: Oh yeah, that episode was called "Do you, princess, take this Koopa?"

-Koopa: Yes, and you didn't.

-Princess: Only because of Mario and his bunch of dorks! We were -this- close to getting away with it, in front of the camera without losing face or revealing our secret affair to everyone, our whole scheme was working like a dream, and then what happens? Fatso crashes the party and ruins the whole thing. And it went on like that for over 50 more painstaking episodes. I'm glad to know that those times will soon be over. Once we pull off this plan, we'll be able to enjoy our carefree youth, happily together.

-Koopa: Uh, yes, that's right. Our carefree youth....

-Triclyde: Or rather what you can remember of it. You're aged 34, lord Koopa, and it shows.

-Princess: Aw, shaddup! I like a more mature and experienced man! 

-Triclyde: Well, he's not that much more mature than you, princess Toadstool, considering that you are now at the not-so tender age of...

-Princess: One more word and you die!! Koopa, once we're married, the first thing we should do is throw that idiot with the three heads out!

-Koopa: Ah...uhm...sure, whatever you say, hon.

-Triclyde: *thinking to himself* Oh Christ, this is not good. Not only will Mouser destroy the world if this wedding goes on, but I'll also lose my job! But, there's no need to panic. My genial strategy to prevent this wedding will certainly succeed. I've worked everything out, it will go perfectly smoothly, I'm sure of it. Heh...that's the last time that annoying princess will speak to me like that.

Que more sly grinning from Triclyde as the screen fades out. Cut to a shot of Koopa's limo parking itself outside of Koopa's castle. They're greeted by Fryguy, who kneels down before them, speaking these words:

-Fryguy: Your highness, our soon-to-be queen, princess Toadstool, I bid you fair welcome. Please follow me to your quarters, where you will be able to prepare for the wedding.

-Princess: Oh, that's right, I've got to get dressed, perfumed, have my hair done, get a manicure, do my make-up and accessories very thoroughly! But I won't be long. In just a few hours, I'll be all set for our big day, honey.

-Koopa: Uhm, yes....great. Do you really need several hours?

-Princess: Of course I do! I need to look absolutely perfect. Remeber, not everyone has your rare gift to look absolutely natural and at ease in any kind of clothing.

-Koopa: Heh, well, that's true.

-Triclyde: Besides, your highness, it's 7 o'clock in the mornings. No-one gets married at that time. Plus, you need to prepare for the wedding as well, right?

-Koopa: Oooh, yes, yes! I have just the perfect outfit! I've been dying to try it on! What are we waiting for, let's go, go, go!

Koopa and the princess are then led away by Triclyde and Fryguy respectively. The screen then cuts to a shot of Triclyde standing outside of Koopa's wardrobe. He checks his wrist watch a few times, with an annoyed expression on his face. He then proceeds to knocking on the wardrobe's door a few times, accompanying this action with these words:

-Triclyde: Lord Koopa, how long is it going to take?!

-Koopa: Hey, don't rush me!

Koopa then pops out of his wardrobe, wearing a long, white wedding dress, decorated with pale pink ribbons and flowers.

-Koopa: There, all set. Isn't this absolutely daaarling?

-Triclyde: Dohhh! Your highness, that's a wedding dress!

-Koopa: Well du-uh! It's my wedding after all.

-Triclyde: No, no, you've got it all wrong! It's the bride who wears a dress, you're the groom!

-Koopa: Oh, drat, I knew I went wrong somewhere....

-Triclyde: *sweatdrop* You can say -that- again....

-Koopa: Allright, give me just a second, I'll change into something else.

He then hops back into his wardrobe and comes out again wearing a Sailor Soldier costume.

-Koopa: Ta-daaah! Sailor Koopa, here I stand! In name of dodgy nightclubs the world over, I'll punish you!

-Triclyde: Nooo, wrong, wrong, wrong! One certainly does -not- wear a short skirt with big ribbons to a wedding! Especially not the groom!

-Koopa: Awww...but this brings out the delicate line of my thighs so well....

-Triclyde: That's beside the point! It's not fitting for the occasion! Change into something else!

-Koopa: Oh, very well, then....

This scene continues for a while, as Koopa dons a pink tutu, a black leather dominatrix outfit, a schoolgirl's uniform and a Link costume, only to be told by Triclyde that it's no good. At each warped outfit, Triclyde grows increasingly more enraged, and when Koopa pops up dressed as a geisha, something snaps in Triclyde, and he completely loses it.

-Triclyde: Aaaargh, I've had it up to here! This is nuts! Absolutely, completely nuts! 

-Koopa: Hey, I know that blue isn't exactly my color, but it's not that horrible, really?

-Triclyde: No, that's not what I meant. Milord...*deep breath* the groom is -not- supposed to dress like that.

-Koopa: Don't you start telling me how to dress!

-Triclyde: A-herm...milord, I don't want to question your excellent dress sense, it's just that tradition demands that, at a wedding, the groom wears a tuxedo.

Koopa lets this hard fact sink in for a while.

-Koopa:....Oh...I see....so, does that mean...no skirts?

-Triclyde: 'fraid not.

-Koopa: No lace and frilly bits?

-Triclyde: Out of the question.

-Koopa: No leather and high-tops?

-Triclyde: Most certainly not.

-Koopa: No...no ribbons? No earrings? No spandex? No suspenders? No nothing?

-Triclyde: That's the way it is.

-Koopa: No way!!

-Triclyde: Milord, please, pull yourself together. It'll only be for a few hours.

-Koopa: *sigh* The things I don't do for my girlfriend....

Koopa then slowly drags himself back into his wardrobe and shuts the door behind him. Triclyde is left to ponder these thoughts.

-Triclyde: Well, so far it's all going according to plan...I just hope Fryguy hasn't messed up.

Cut to a shot of a prison cel, in Koopa's catacombs. The door swings open and princess Toadstool is violently flung into it by two Hammer Brothers. The door is then slammed shut behind her. Disgruntled at this turn of events, she pronounces the following phrase:

-Princess: Oi, what's this all about?! This is supposed to be a wedding, not a funky dungeon party! You, the tobacco-maniac! What's the meaning of this?!

Outside of the prison cel, Fryguy is standing with the two Hammer Brothers. He replies to the princess' angered interrogation with these words:

-Fryguy: Don't shout like that, it's scary! There's been a change of plans, just stay put and wait here. You two Hammer Bros, guard her prison with extreme caution, is that understood?!

The Hammer Brothers nod in unition at this. Fryguy then continues the conversation with these words:

-Fryguy: Good, then phase one of Clyde's plan is about wrapped up. Phew, it sure was scary. A quick cigarette will make me feel better.

He puts a cigarette between his lips, but just when he's about to light it, a high-pitched beeping noise emanates from his wrist watch. This sudden interruption causes Fryguy to panic, and he drops his lighter with a nervous shriek. He then calms down and looks at his beeping watch.

-Fryguy: Oh, it must be a message from Clyde.

He presses a button on the wrist watch, and Triclyde's face appears on the watch's LCD display screen, speaking these words:

-Triclyde: Well? Is everything running smoothly?

-Fryguy: Yes, just peachy. The princess has been dumped into a dungeon and is heavily guarded. She won't get in our way anymore.

-Triclyde: Good. Lord Koopa is almost ready. You know what to do, proceed with phase two of the plan.

-Fryguy: Okay.....but Clyde, are you really, completely sure about this?

-Triclyde: Positive. I have no doubt that this is the best course of action for us to take.

-Fryguy: I suppose so....it still scares me a lot, though.

-Triclyde: Never mind, just get on with your duties.

Screen cuts to a shot of Mario, Luigi, Toad and Yoshi running along the road to Koopa's castle. Mario is looking very distressed.

-Mario: It's a cataclysm! A tragedy! An apocalypse!

-Toad: It's deep do-do!

-Mario: Yes...*sweatdrop* that as well. But, anyway, I won't allow Koopa to force the princess into this wedding! He won't get away with it!

-Luigi: But Mario, the message he sent us clearly stated that if we undertake any kind of action, he'll order is men to burn down all the sexy nightclubs in the Mushroom Kingdom.

-Mario: Who cares about sexy nightclubs??!

-Luigi, Toad & Yoshi: We do.

-Mario: But still, the princess' chastity is at stake! 

-Yoshi: What's a chastity? It sounds tasty.

-Toad: Eewww, you really are obsessed, Yoshi.

-Mario: Right, forget it, if you prefer to hang out at risqué nightclubs rather than do your duty as saviors of an extremely kidnapping-prone bimbo princess, then go ahead, push off. I don't need a bunch of irresponsible perverts to get in my way!

-Toad: Okay, bye.

-Mario: Huh??

-Toad: If you really want us to push off, we will. 

-Luigi: Besides, you always hog 97, 68% percent of the screen time as it is, so whether we join you or not makes hardly any difference, really. We have no value, if we die, nobody would notice or even remotely care, so why should we bother?

-Yoshi: I feel like going for a lunch break.

-Toad: Right, let's go then. Have fun over at Koopa's place, Mario, we'll catch you later.

Toad, Yoshi ad Luigi walk off into the distance. Mario gives them a look of disgust and disbelief while the sound of cawing crows is heard in the background.

-Mario: Those....bastards. Well, I should've seen it coming, I suppose. Oh well, I'm up against Koopa on my own now. Makes no difference, those idiots only get about 2, 32% of the screen time as it is. Who needs them anyway?....I think I should say something like "I'll knock Koopa for a loopa" now, but the pun police would kill me if I did. It's illegal to use the same witticism more than 250 times on TV. Oh well, I'll just go to Koopa's place and mush him up really badly instead.

Fade out and cut to a shot of a chapel inside Koopa's castle. The place is covered with flowers and other wedding decorations. A whole bunch of Koopa minions are seated in long rows of benches. Koopa is standing at the end of the aisle, in a fluorescent pink tuxedo. He's looking very nervous and conveys the following remarks to Triclyde, who's standing next to him.

-Koopa: This feels so awkward.....

-Triclyde: Nonsense, milord, you look just fine in that tux.

-Koopa: No, that's not what I meant. I think I'm wearing a too narrow slip. Now -that's- awkward. And what about the wedding cake?

-Triclyde: Well, the chef had three collapses, but in the end, he did get the mixture of marzipan and LSD right, I think.

-Koopa: Perfect. Now, what's keeping the bride so long?

Just then, majustous organ music starts to play as the bride enters the chapel, with Fryguy as the bridesmaid behind her. Due to a thick veil, it's impossible to see the brides' face, while she slowly walks up the aisle. Once the bride has reached Koopa, her face is still invisible, even up close. They both turn to face a Shy-guy vicar who pronounces the following words:

-Shy-guy vicar: Right, so you two folks wanna get hitched? Well, that's just peachy with me. You'll have to fill out a form, though.

-Koopa: Eh? A form??

-Triclyde: It's a modern kind of wedding ceremony, milord. Please just play along.

-Koopa: Allright then.....

The vicar hands him a form. Koopa looks through it.

-Koopa: Let's see...."Have you ever abused of any intoxicating materials?" You bet. Now, "Do you suffer from a particular kind of allergy?". Hang on, this looks more like an entry form for a hospital.

-Triclyde: Better yet, it -is- an entry form for a hospital.

-Shy-guy vicar: They don't make 'em like they used to.....

-Koopa: Who cares?! Just get us married, and quickly! My nerves are killing me, so quit stalling already or I'll have you guillotined!

-Shy-guy vicar: Gosh, newlyweds are so touchy. Well, if you wanna tie the knot that badly, I guess we can skip the formalities. Just snog yer bride and I'll pronounce you hubbie and wife, okies?

-Koopa: About time. Let's get this over with once and for all.

In a nervous impulse, Koopa then closes his eyes, rips the bridal veil from the bride's face and forcefully presses his lips against those of the bride. Once he lets go again, the bride faints and sinks to the ground, the huge veil covering up her face again.

-Koopa: Oops, looks like I went at it a bit too roughly. 

-Shy-guy vicar: You youngsters are just too impulsive. Now, just exchange rings and you'll be 100% wed.

But suddenly, an angered voice interrupts the ceremony in these terms:

-Mario: Not on yer life!!

-Koopa: What the....Mario??

-Mario: The same! I've come to stop this absolute travesty!

Indeed, Mario had appeared in the chapel's doorway. Pointing a fire flower to the sky, he then uttered the following phrase:

-Mario: By the power of cheap animation techniques! Make Up!

And the power of cheap animation techniques then transformed him into his fireball costume.

-Mario: Time to fry, Koopa.

-Triclyde: *to himself* There it is, just as I planned. I expected Mario to attack during the wedding. He'll "rescue" the substitute bride we've provided, thinking that it's the princess. The real princess, meanwhile, will be left to die in the dungeon, and we'll never hear of her again. It's genial, if I do say so myself.

-Mario: Your perversities have gone far enough, Koopa! You're finished!

-Koopa: Hold it right there! One more move and I will order my men to violently burn down all the sexy nightclubs in the Mushroom Kingdom!

-Mario: Hmmmm....

Screen cuts to a rapid shot of Toad, Luigi and Yoshi sitting around in a dodgy-looking nightclub with big grins on their faces

-Toad: Aahh, this sure beats getting treated like horse manure by Mario!

Cut back to Mario and Koopa.

-Mario: See if I care. Go ahead and burn the nightclubs as viciously as you like. In fact you'd be doing me a big favor with that. Koopa army, go ahead and burn all the Mushroom nightclubs! Do it!

All the Koopa minions in the chapel then get up and run out of the chapel with a loud "Yaaaayyyy! Burn the nightclubs!"

-Koopa: Hey, wait, come back, you idiots! Since when do you obey Mario?!

-Mario: Just a little mindgames. Now let's get physical. This is going to hurt big time, Koopa!

-Koopa: I still have my most faithful servants. Triclyde, Fryguy, protect the bride and groom! Fight!

-Fryguy: I....I'm scaaaared....

-Triclyde: Fryguy, get a grip! Use your super cigarette powers!

-Fryguy: Oh, that's right, I still have the Kaleido Moon Smoke! But....but it's completely useless. Aahh, no way, I don't want to get beaten up! Mommyyyy! Waaah!!

Fryguy then runs away, crying like a baby. 

-Mario: That just leaves the triple idiot. And he'll be no match for my fireballs! Eat this, Triklutz! Fireball!

-Triclyde: Uwaaahh!!

Clyde is blasted into a wall by Mario's exaggeratedly powerful fireballs. Before he passes out, he still mutters these words:

-Triclyde: No need to worry....the plan is running smoothly....

-Mario: Right, now for you, Koopa!

-Koopa: Yeep, nowhere to run. I'll get thrashed. No, it's horrible!

-Mario: End of the road, Koopa! I'm taking you to a whole world o' hurt. You're going to suffer!

However, they are then interrupted by a voice loudly pronouncing this phrase:

-"That's enough! Don't move another muscle, Mario!"-

-Mario: Wha...?

Turning around, Mario sees that the bride has risen to her feet again. Camera slowly pans around the bride as she pronounces these words:

-"A wedding is the day when two young lovers seal their promise to protect each other forever. You have cruelly disrupted this moment of love and peace, but now the game's up! The angel of love, Wedding Mouser is about to get rather cheesed off!"-

The bride then takes off her veil, and Mouser's face appears.

-Mario & Koopa: Gasp!!

-Koopa: No way, that was Mouser?!

-Mario: Is this how you get yer kicks nowadays, Koopa?

-Mouser: Mouth off, chubby! You dared to attack my beloved! For that, you will pay! Wedding change, freshen up! Angel impulsive Mouser!!

The wedding dress-clad Mouser then leaps high into the air and rips his dress to shreds, thus revealing a snug-fitting black leather costume decorated with several shiny iron spikes, which he was wearing underneath his dress. He lands gracefully in front of Mario. While this is going on, Triclyde slowly regains his spirits. Witnessing this scene, he ponders the following thoughts:

-Triclyde: Uh-oh, this is -not- good. This isn't part of my plan! Mouser isn't suppose to interfere, this is not the way it should happen! Oh no, it's all going pear-shaped!

-Mouser: Today, my most intense wish came true. Nothing will stand in my way now that my lord Koopa has given me the token of his burning eternal love!

-Koopa: Uhm....did I do that?

-Mouser: You're no match for me, Mario! Here comes my specialty; a double grenade launcher frenzy!

He then takes out two heavily-charged grenade launchers and points them at Mario. Mario sito presto runs away in panic, and Mouser gives chase at full blast, firing his guns in an out-of-control frenzy. Screen cuts to a high-speed chase scene, complete with rapid, streaking backgrounds during which Mario and Mouser exchange these remarks:

-Mario: Yikes! This guy is nuts! This isn't part of my contract! I want my lawyeeeer!!

-Mouser: You can run but you can't hide! I'm invincible now that I have the power of true love backing me! Wuhahahaaaa! Eat shotgun death, lardy!!

-Mario: Aieee!!

Screen cuts back to the chapel, where Koopa is standing on his own. He speaks these words to himself:

-Koopa: So....that was Mouser....

Cut to a rapid flashback of the scene where Koopa kissed his "bride"

-Koopa: Hmmm...come to think of it....that felt kinda good.

As soon as he has pronounced these words, a whole horde of Koopa minions pops up from behind bits of scenery and funiture, and in unition, they belt out a loud and clear "Say what??".

-Koopa: Ah, no no no! I didn't mean it! It's horrible, that mouse boy is starting to mess with my mind! 

At that moment, princess Toadstool suddenly strides into the chapel. She walks straight up to Koopa and punches him right in the face.

-Princess: You dirty old man! This is absolutely scandalous! I come here to get married and get dumped in a dungeon instead! I managed to escape by violently punching in the door and brutally murdering the guards, and then I find out that you prefer to give a tremendous kiss to that Mouser person! You've gone too far this time!

-Koopa: No, wait, I can explain, it's a misunderstanding, honestly....

-Princess: I don't want to hear it! You men are all the same! No excuses, Koopa! I saw the way you snogged him, right on the mouth! That was serious allright!

-Koopa: But...but, no, it's not like that! 

-Princess: I've had it with perverts of your kind! Stick to your gunslinging rodent boy, I'm outta here!

She then punches a hole into a nearby wall and disappears through that, leaving Koopa behind.

-Koopa: No...no way! I've really done it this time! 

Screen fades out and cuts to a shot of Mouser, who is still running after Mario and firing heavy weaponry at him.

-Mouser: And now, the flame thrower! Nothing can stop me anymore! You're history, Mario! Uwaaa ha ha ha haaa!

-Mario: Aieee! Get this nutter off me!!

While this little chase scene continues, the screen slowly fades out.


	6. Episode 6: Oh My Gorgeous Love Letter!

-Mario: This is the Super Mario Brothers Freaky Show! Resistance is futile! 

**Episode 6: Oh, My Gorgeous Love Letter!**

"Plumber's log, number 1-2-3-5....damn...1-2-4...1-2-5-3...oh, forget it. It was a peaceful time in the Mushroom Kingdom. Everything was tranquil, and very very boring, except for one thing: Yoshi had gone 'out for snacks'...."

Episode opens on a shot of a clearing in the forest. A lone mushroom figurant comes by and sits down on a tree trunk.

-Mushroom figurant: Aah, this sure is a lovely day for going out in the forest. Now for a quick sandwich!

He takes out a large sandwich, but just when he's about to sink his teeth into it, a few bushes begin to rustle behind the mushroom. He turns around, and stares at the bushes. Yoshi pops out of these bushes, with his eyes overly large and shiny.

-Yoshi: Meeewwww....

-Mushroom figurant: Oh, it's a Yoshi. It's cute!

-Yoshi: I'm a widdle Yoshi, and I got lost in the woods...*sad, pleading stare*, I'm hungwyyy...

-Mushroom figurant: Oh, that is really tragic! Poor baby! Here, have a bite of my sandwich.

The unsuspecting mushroom holds out the sandwich towards Yoshi.

-Yoshi: Wee! Thank you, mistew Mushwoom!....*sly grin*...Gotcha, sucker!!

With blinding speed, Yoshi opens his mouth wide, and lashes out his terrifying, long tongue. Yoshi's tongue wraps itself around the mushroom's neck and the hapless victim is pulled into Yoshi's mouth, screaming in panic. Yoshi swallows him whole, and then delivers the following remark.

-Yoshi: Hah, the idiot! He never even knew what hit him! They always fall for the tragic cutey routine. He was pretty tasty...but I'm still hungry. Let's see if there are some more suckers for me to devour...Mu wa ha ha haaa!

But suddenly, Mario's voice interrupts this scene.

-Mario: Yoshi, stop it! We told you a million times, do not eat the figurants! They cost twenty gold coins each!

Mario, Toad and Luigi arrive on the scene and face Yoshi.

-Yoshi: Aahh, push off. I'll eat whatever I want, and there's no stopping me!

-Toad: Oh no, this is bad! Last time he did that, he devoured 5 figurants, half of the set pieces, the sound engineer, the camera operator and the assistant-director. Replacing them was very expensive!

-Mario: That's right. We can't have Yoshi eating the film crew every other episode, it's killing our budget!

-Toad: It's also the reason why we constantly have to do episodes without any decent staff. The minute we hire a halfway decent animator, Yoshi eats him. This has to stop! Last time, he ate the animation supervisor, and because of that, no-one rectified the animation goof-ups, and I ended up with my clothes painted fluorescent pink by mistake for a whole episode! It was humiliating!

-Mario: So, you see, you really mustn't do that, Yoshi. Now come along with us like a good boy.

-Yoshi: Not on yer life, I'm still hungry! Snack time!

With those words, Yoshi wraps his tongue around the tree trunk that his most recent victim had used as a resting place, and swallows the thing in one go.

-Toad: Nooo! That was our last plastic tree prop! Now we'll have to go back to using the cheapo cardboard ones! This is a catastrophe!

-Yoshi: Hmmm....*creepy stare*...Tooooaad...

-Toad: Whu...what? Yoshi, you're giving me such a strange look...

-Luigi: It's the same look Koopa has on his face when he sees a pair of handcuffs. It means you're doomed, Toad, and me and Mario probably are as well. Oh well, makes no difference...

-Toad: N...no..Yoshi, you wouldn't....

-Yoshi: Come here, you bite-sized salad on legs! You're the main course!

Once again, Yoshi's tongue is shot out, but Toad avoids this by ducking out of the way rapidly.

-Toad: Eeek! He's gone nuts! Mario, do something!

-Mario: Right away! Chaaaarge!

With those words, Mario grabs Luigi's left leg, and runs towards Yoshi, menacingly swinging his brother around like a weapon. He then brings Luigi crashing down upon Yoshi's head, who passes out after this mortifying attack. Mario then casually throws Luigi away over his shoulder. A muffled crash is heard.

-Mario: There, that should calm him down for a while. Toad, get the tranquilizer shots ready.

-Toad: Right away! We should use the extra strong ones.

Toad then takes out a small case containing a bunch of injection needles. He takes a large injection needle filled with a bright pink liquid from the case and hands it to Mario. Mario reads out the inscription on the needle's label.

-Mario: "Snore Time, deluxe tranquilizer. Our tranquilizers are made with nothing but the finest, carefully selected ingredients. Contains: vodka, ketchup, LSD, aspirin, Vetyver de Guerlain, accrylic paint, Maggi bouillon herbs and ordinary household bleach." Hey, this stuff sounds pretty good!

-Toad: Never mind, just inject the stuff into Yoshi. That way he'll be fast asleep ad we can drag him back to the princess' castle without running the risk of having him waking up and trying to eat us.

Mario acts upon this advice, and once Yoshi is fast asleep, Mario and Toad drag him away. After they've disappeared, the camera slowly zooms in to a shot of Luigi, who is still lying there on the ground, in a crumpled pile.

-Luigi: ...he...did -that- again...

Loud cawing of crows is heard in the background as the screen fades out and cuts to a shot inside the princess' castle. The princess is lying flat on a couch in front of the TV with empty packs of crisps and cans of soft drink littering the area.

-Princess: *huge yawn* Oh god, I am so bored...so brain-numbingly bored, I think it'll kill me. I really miss that big dope Koopa. It's just not the same without him....Maybe I should give him a second chance...

For a moment, she stares at the telephone.

-Princess: But, if I phone him like that, it'll make me look too desperate. He mustn't get the impression that he can pull a stunt like that and just get away with it. No, I need a different approach...ah, I got it!

She rapidly grabs a piece of paper and a pen and begins to scribble.

-Princess: Let's see now....how should I start this? "To my honeybunny"? That's too crawly. "Yo, fat guy", perhaps? No, I don't think that strikes the right note either. Let's just make it "My darling". Okay, now on to the actual letter. I'll keep it brief, something like: "I will await you tonight, at midnight, under the big cardboard cherry tree prop. I have something very important to tell you. Be there. Signed: your snugglycakes." Yes, that should do it. Now to post this...

Screen cuts to a fast-forward scene of the princess running to a letterbox and hurling in her letter, and running back to the castle. Screen then cuts to a shot of the Koopa Kafé bar, where Fyrguy is sitting, his mouth stuffed with cigarettes. Triclyde drags himself into the bar, looking half dead, with a sack of ice on his leftmost head. He slumps down next to Fryguy.

-Fryguy: Eeehyaa, it's zombie! Scary!!

-Triclyde: Uhrnn...don't scream like that. My hangover's just killing me.

-Fryguy: Oh, it's only you, Clyde. You scared me. You look just terrible.

-Triclyde: Figures, I feel just terrible as well. Getting hangovers is not a good idea when you have three heads. It triples the pounding headache, see.

-Fryguy: Oh my... 

Suddenly, Mouser pops up behind them, with a huge grin and he enthusiastically belts out these words:

-Mouser: Hey! You two, straighten yourselves up! This is no way to look for proud servants of the gorgeous Lord Koopa! Come on, don't hang about like that! There's no time for such slacking! We've got stupidly-named kingdoms to conquer, fat plumbers to battle, budget cuts to struggle with and handsome superiors to dearly love!

-Triclyde: Speak for yourself, queen of the freaks...

-Fryguy: Somehow, I liked Mouser better when he was a depressive alcoholic maniac. I mean, whatever happened to the days when you could gulp down twenty stale gin and tonics?

-Mouser: Hah, you're looking at the new me! The power of love has given me a surge of fresh energy! I have no more need for gin and tonics! I must keep both my mind and body pure now that I have Lord Koopa as my boyfriend!

-Triclyde: Oh, come off it, he's -not- your boyfriend.

-Mouser: Oh yeah? Well, he did kiss me, I'll have you know! With tongue, if you please!

-Triclyde: Oh god, my hangover just got worse....

-Fryguy: And it's still true that you never got to complete the wedding ceremony. Lord Koopa had the vicar guillotined immediately after the incident. In other words, you didn't get married.

-Mouser: Married schmarried! Marriage is just a lot of dumb show! It's dated! Lord Koopa and I don't need that, we're a modern couple!

-Triclyde: So modern that you're not even a couple. 

-Fryguy: Mouser lives in his own little world. Try as we might, it's impossible to talk him out of this idea he has that Lord Koopa is now returning his affections.

-Mouser: Ahh, I will always treasure this wonderful memory of my first kiss....

-Triclyde: Yeah, right, you hang around bars hitting on men for the entire 18 years of your life, and you expect us to believe that was your first kiss?

-Fryguy: He has no touch with reality whatsoever...

-Mouser: Hah, you're just jealous because you could never in your life attract such a handsome man!

-Fryguy: I'm very glad to hear that. 

At that point, a Koopa Troopa enters the bar and dumps a large canvas bag in front of them, pronouncing this phrase:

-Troopa: The mail's here.

-Triclyde: Great, another thing that'll make my hangover worse.

-Fryguy: Let's see now, there's the electricity bills, the heating bills, a bill from Jean-Paul Gaultier for Lord Koopa's special-ordered Lady Pomapdour costume...

-Mouser: Just a minute, is there no fan mail congratulating me on my union with Lord Koopa?

-Triclyde: Mouser, are you out of your mind? We -never- get fan mail on this crummy series!

-Mouser: What a rip-off!

-Fryguy: It's tragic, isn't it? But, there's the usual dosis of hate mail and death threats. Look, here's one from a certain mister Aol Gates, and he writes: "UR SHOW SUKS!!!!!! DAT MOWSUR DOODZ GAY OR SUMFIN!!!!1!!". I'm quoting directly.

-Triclyde: I see, it's a constructive critic...

-Fryguy: He probably has a point somewhere. That bit about how our show sucks is perfectly true.

-Mouser: I don't believe this. He made two spelling mistakes in my name! And just what does he mean by "gay or sumfin"?

-Fryguy: I think he means to say "or something".

-Mouser: Du-uh! I figured that out, I just don't get what he's referring to. What does the "or something" bit translate into? It makes no sense!

-Triclyde: Well, this guy's probably not too quick on the uptake, that's all.

-Mouser: Talk about the understatement of the century. Hrrrm, I really don't like being referred to as "dat Mowsur dood". In fact, I think I should introduce this Aol Gates person to a close personal friend of mine...

-Triclyde: And that would be...?

-Mouser: Why, Mister Shotgun, of course! Hya ha ha haaa!

Mouser runs off with a frightening laugh. Triclyde then turns to the camera, and with a serious face, pronounces the following phrase:

-Triclyde: Take a lesson, kiddies. Do not send us dumb remarks like that or we'll send Mouser after you. He knows where you live.

-Fryguy: Ooh, that's scary! Oh, this letter looks unusual...

Fryguy takes a pink envelope sealed with a heart mark from the bag in front of them.

-Fryguy: Look at this, a letter in a pink envelope, with a heart mark...it was written by someone who wears cheap perfume, I can smell. And it's addressed to Lord Koopa.

-Triclyde: Oh, big surprise. Well, if it's for Lord Koopa, shouldn't you take it to him?

-Fryguy: Uhm...do I have to?

-Triclyde: With my killer hangover, I'm in no state to move a muscle. 

-Fryguy: Okay, I'll go, if there's no other way.

Cut to a shot of Fryguy knocking on the door to Koopa's dressing room.

-Fryguy: Message for you, milord!

The door swings open and a cheap-looking rubber Godzilla head pops out, staring right into Fryguy's face.

-Fryguy: Whoaaa! It's a monsterrrr! Mommyyy! Aaahrg!!

Overcome by panic, Fryguy faints on the spot, droppig the pink letter. Koopa then comes out of his dressing room wearing a rubber Godzilla costume and takes off the mask.

-Koopa: Guess my rubber monster costume is more lifelike that I expected. Hmm, what's this?

Koopa bends down and picks up the pink envelope that Fryguy has dropped, opens it and reads it's contents.

-Koopa:.....Oh, great, now the nicotine addict is beginning to take after Mouser. I quite understand that a man who dresses as well as I do is irresistible to anyone, but if all of my servants develop an obsession with me, that might be pretty awkward. I mean, this Mouser thing already cost me one girl and.....

Koopa suddenly looks up, seemingly startled.

-Koopa: Wait a minute....that smell, on that letter, it's....why of course! Mushroom Supermarket-brand perfume, which has had it's price slashed! Not only is that one of my favorites to use, it's also the type of perfume that my princess regularly wears! I'm sure of it! So, this letter is from her? Wow, brilliant, she's coming back!

But hesitatingly, he then looks over to the still unconscious Fryguy.

-Koopa: But on the other hand...suppose the letter -is- from him after all? Hmm....I don't want to take any chances...but then again, if it's from the princess, I musn't let her slip through my fingers! This is tricky...Well, the first step in such a dilemma is to choose a proper outfit!

Koopa rushes back into his dressing room. He leaves the letter on a table and clambers into his wardrobe, muttering these words:

-Koopa: Rats, this wardrobe is bigger than Australia. How will I ever find my two-piece leopard print bikini in this mess?

Meanwhile, outside the dressing room, Fryguy slowly regains his consciousness.

-Fryguy: Uhnn, what happened?...Oh no, the monster! There's a monster! Eeek, I must get out of here! Heeelp, monster alert!!

Gripped by hysteria, he runs off, screaming in terror. Mouser then rushes onto this scene, carrying a good dosis of heavy artillery.

-Mouser: What was that about a monster?! I'm sure I heard someone yelling about a monster...Oh no, what if this monster is attacking my beloved Lord Koopa's wardrobe! I've got to do something! My sweetheart could be under attack from a monster! Oh, but wait...what if he's changing into a funky outfit in there...hmm....heh heh heh.....slurrrp....that just gives me every reason to go in there on the double! Hang in there, milord, I'm coming!

Having made this decision, he runs into the dressing room, and the first thing he spots is the letter lying on a table in front of him.

-Mouser: What's this? "My darling, I will await you at midnight under the big cardboard cherry tree prop. I have something very important to tell you. Be there. Signed: your snugglycakes".....But that means...Lord Koopa wants to see me at midnight? To tell me something very important? Oh wow, way to go! I knew this would happen! My horoscope said so! "This will be a very favorable month for the lovelife of an Aquarius", and it came true! During all the 18 years of my life I've waited for this! I'll be there for sure! Yahoo!

In a fit of joy, Mouser then runs out of the dressing room again. Koopa's head then pops out of the wardrobe, adorned with a mock diamond tiara, humongous pearl earrings and a ludicrous wig.

-Koopa: What? Did I just hear someone in here? Hmm, must've been my imagination. Now where did I leave my strapless turkis ballroom dress?

Screen cuts to a shot of Mario and Toad, still dragging the sleeping Yoshi around. It's night by now, therefore, the background features some badly-painted stars and a crescent moon.

-Mario: Phew, I never expected Yoshi would be so heavy!

-Toad: Well, it makes sense. He's got three figurants, seven plastic tree props and all of spotlights plus their wiring inside his stomach, so of course he's heavy. We've been dragging him behind us for hours, but we're not getting anywhere quickly. It's almost midnight by now...how miserable...

-Mario: Yes. I'll speak very sternly to my agent about this. Oh, wait a minute, look over there, by that big cardboard cherry tree prop!

-Toad: You mean the one with the really rotten paint job?

-Mario: That's the one. The guy who's standing there...don't we know him?

-Toad: Yikes! That's that maniac Mouser! What's he doing here?!

-Mario: I don't want to know, but if he sees us, he'll go bonkers and murder us!

-Toad: Quick, we'll hide behind a cardboard prop of a bush!

They quickly duck behind a cardboard bush, dragging Yoshi into this safe location as well. From this hideout, they observe Mouser, who speaks these words to himself:

-Mouser: My heart's racing...almost midnight, I can't wait anymore! I got here extra early, and soon, my Lord Koopa will come here....ohh, I could just die! Lord Koopa wrote me a love letter, it's so cute! He's really very shy and sensible, deep down....

At that moment, Koopa's silhouette pops up behind Mouser, and Koopa's voice is heard, speaking these words:

-Koopa: What the heck are -you- doing here?!

-Mouser: Oh! Finally!

Mouser then turns around and finds himself face-to-face with Koopa, who is dressed in a Sailor Starlights costume. A silence follows as the sight of this causes Mouser's eyes to widen and his face to turn bright red.

-Mouser: Buh....buh...black leather...bikini...Whooaaaaw!!

To see the man of his dreams clad in a Starlights ensemble is so overwhelming to Mouser that he falls backwards, with fountains of blood shooting from his nostrils, and he rapidly loses consciousness. Koopa contemplates the fainted Mouser for a moment, while crows can be heard cawing in the background.

-Koopa: This is no good! If the princess arrives now and sees me in a skimpy black leather costume with an unconscious Mouser, all hell will break loose! I've got to do something! I have to get rid of Mouser, quickly!

He looks around, forlorn and panicky, then he forcefully kicks Mouser, who is sent flying by the impact of his kick, and lands behind the cardboard bush that Mario and Toad were using as a hiding place with a crashing noise. Cut to a shot of Mario, with Mouser lying on top of him, still unconscious.

-Mario: Ma....mamma mia, what happened?

-Toad: Shhh! Mario, don't make another sound! If you wake up Mouser, we'll both be toast!

-Mario: Easy for you to say.

-Toad: You also shouldn't move a muscle.

-Mario: This is just....typical...

Cut back to Koopa, who's nervously twiddling his thumbs underneath the cardboard tree. At that moment, the princess arrives on the scene.

-Princess: Koopa! So you got my note!

-Koopa: Of course! I could tell it was from you because of the perfume!

-Princess: I've missed you so much! I was an idiot! Koopa, no-one could ever take your place! You're my darling slimy disgusting sonuvabitch! 

Cut back to a shot behind the cardboard bush, with Mouser still on top of Mario.

-Toad: This is weird, the princess has arrived, and she's talking to Koopa.

-Mario: Say what?!

-Toad: Ssshh! Mario! Do you want to kill us?! Keep quiet! Mouser's still here!

-Mario: Allright, allright. What are they talking about, though?

-Toad: I can't quite make out what they're saying. It's too windy and they're too far away. I think she just called him disgusting...

-Mario: Oh no, what is he doing to her?! He must be forcing her into horrible things! I must stop him!

-Toad: No, Mario, don't moooove!

-Mario: Oh, drat, this is horrible.

But things then got even more horrible. Mouser, slowly regaining his spirits began to stir.

-Mario & Toad: Glups....

-Mouser: Uhmmm...my Lord Koopa.....hmmm, I luuuurve yooou....

-Mario: Eek! What is he doing?!

Presuming, in his state of half-awakeness that he was lying on top of Koopa, Mouser was as of now attempting to kiss Mario, who didn't like this idea at all and made no secret of it.

-Mario: Aiiieeee!! Get this maniac off me!!

-Mouser: Huh? What? Mario?! What the heck...?! Where is my Lord Koopa?!

-Toad: Uh-oh, now we've done it.

-Mouser: Whatever the meaning of this nonsense is, you won't go unpunished! Mario, you are -so- dead!

-Mario: What did I do?! You're the one who tried to forcefully snog me, you nutter!

-Mouser: How dare you! You bitch! Lord Koopa is the only one in my heart! You make me sick with disgust, you ugly little man! 

-Toad: We're doomed. Totally doomed...

However, at that point, another person entered the conversation.

-Yoshi: Yoshi hungwyyy....

-Toad: Gasp! Now that one woke up as well!

-Yoshi: I feel like a midnight snack!

-Mario: Not again!

Cut back to Koopa and the princess.

-Princess: Wait a minute, I'm hearing voices in the background. We're not alone here...

-Koopa: Voices? Are you sure?

-Princess: Positive! They're coming from behind that cardboard bush prop, over there!

The princess points at the prop that Mario and the others were using for cover. At that very moment, Mario bursts out of his hiding place, and runs towards Koopa and the princess in panic, followed by Toad:

-Mario: Run for it! Yoshi's woken up, and he's really angry!

-Toad: He'll eat us all if we don't scram!

-Mario: Let's go, princess! I'll save you from the horrible pervert Koopa!

Before they can react, Mario grabs the princess' hand and drags here away with Toad.

-Princess: Nooo! What are you doing?!

-Koopa: Wait! Come back! Too late, they're gone...aahh, what a rip-off! Mario, you'll pay for this!

However, a long, lashing tongue then slips onto the screen and rips off the cherry tree prop behind Koopa. Alerted by the noise this makes, he turns around and sees Yoshi behind him.

-Yoshi: Ahhhaaa! There's the big main course! Yum, delicious!

-Koopa: Eek! No way, keep that lunatic away from me!

Suddenly, Mouser's voice cuts into this scene:

-Mouser: Geronimooo!!

He comes rushing onto the screen, hurling grenades all over the place. Using the smoke from the explosions as a cover, he picks us Koopa and runs off with him.

-Mouser: It's okay, I'm here! I'll save you!

-Koopa: Hey, watch where you're grabbing me! And get back to the castle, quickly!

-Mouser: Understood!

They disappear into the distance as well, leaving Yoshi behind.

-Yoshi: What a rip-off! My dinner got kidnapped! Oh well, I'll just eat the voice actors!

Screen fades out and cuts to a shot of Koopa in his wardrobe, wearing a shiny spandex costume. He's talking to the princess over the telephone.

-Koopa: What am I wearing? Heh heh heh, it's pink spandex! Finest brand! No, I can't tell you what the colour of my slip is. I'm not wearing one. Allright, so how about we get together next Saturday and burn some defenseless villages? Okay, fine, three o' clock suits me perfectly. Sure, we'll have dinner afterwards. Okay, see ya babe.

He then hangs up the phone and makes the following remark:

-Koopa: Sure is good to have everything back to normal!

From a window, Mouser has been watching this whole scene, and his face is a showcase of rage and horror. Screen cuts to Triclyde and Fryguy sitting in the bar. Suddenly, a hole is punched into the wall behind them, and through this hole, Mouser comes in. He takes his position behind the bar with these words:

-Mouser: A gin 'n tonic. And make it strong.

While Mouser gulps down an over-sized glass of alcohol, Triclyde and Fryguy exchange these remarks.

-Fryguy: I guess this means everything really is back to normal.

Triclyde: Normal? What the heck do you mean, "normal"?

Screen fades out as Mouser continues to empty huge glasses.

**Authors Note:  I have many more chapters of this hilarious fic.  So R&R if you want to see more.**


	7. Episode 7: Revolutionary Boy Triclyde

-Mario: Yo, yo, yo, yo, bay-B, da Soopa Mario Bros. Freaky Show is back in da howse! And I have no idea what I'm talking about.

**Episode 7: Revolutionary Boy Triclyde**

-Plumber's log, number 1+1=......that other one. Well, I really don't need to tell you what had happened, Koopa had just ripped off the princess again, yadi yadi ya, bla bla bla, the usual kind of stupid excuse for lame witticisms and bad animation. Well, it's not -my- fault that no-one can come up with a decent scenario in this dumb studio. So, anyway, we were just about to storm Koopa's place.....

Fade in to a shot of Mario, Toad and Yoshi running towards Koopa's castle, carrying Luigi.

-Mario: Chaaarge! We'll use Luigi as a battering ram to break open the entry gate!

-Toad: It's a brilliant idea!

-Yoshi: Is a battering ram tasty?

Using Mario's latest Luigi-unfriendly strategy, they crash through the solid steel door of Koopa's castle as if it was made out of rice pudding. Once inside, Mario sums up the situation with these words:

-Mario: There, piece of cake. My ingenious and intricate plan worked like a dream.

-Toad: Well, not quite, Mario. They were expecting us, and now we're surrounded....

Camera zooms out and reveals that Toad is quite right; a horde of Koopa Troopas is standing around them, making menacing faces. A short piece of intese music plays, until Mario ruins the mood by stating:

-Mario: Uhm...well, so what?

The Troopas then take out shotguns and point them at Mario and co.

-Toad: Well, so they've got guns.

At that point, Koopa steps forward wearing a strapless violet chiffon dress, with Triclyde, Mouser and Fryguy following him. He approaches Mario, and with a nasty grin, he utters these words:

-Koopa: I've got you now, Mario! You're surrounded by heavily-armed guards! Move one muscle and your head gets blown off! There is no way out; you're toast!

-Mouser: Ahh, my Lord Koopa, he's so hot when he's gloating....hmmm, and that dress suits him so well... *drooling*

-Fryguy: Don't you -ever- give it a rest?

-Koopa: Enough, you lot! Now, Mario, you don't look so smug anymore, do you?

-Mario: Koopa, you swine! Where is the princess?!

-Koopa: None of your business! And now, now that you are defenseless, powerless, unable to move, and that I have you right where I want it, with multiple deadly loaded shotguns pointed right at your fat face, I will....I will dump you into my dungeon!

-Everyone: Eh??

-Koopa: Ah ha ha ha! I'm so cruel, it's frightening!

-Triclyde: Uhm....milord....I don't know how to put this...but basically, that's a terribly stupid thing to do.

-Koopa: What is?

-Triclyde: Well, this is a perfect chance to kill them. Why would we let them live and put them into a jail cell instead? We have absolutely no reason to spare them and let this superb oportunity go to waste! I say kill them right now, while we can!

-Koopa: Ahh, shut yer face. All three of them. We -always- hurl them into the dungeon, in every single bleedin' episode.

-Triclyde: Yes, and then they -always- escape and kick our teeth in. We musn't take such a risk! We could easily kill them now and never hear of them again!

-Koopa: I don't care! I've got to dump them into prison, it says so in the script!

-Fryguy: Huh? What's a script?

-Triclyde: Milord, no-one is falling for that excuse. We -never- read our scripts. And besides, what the script really says in this scene is "Mario, it looks like you are plumb out of luck!".

-Koopa: My god, that has to be the single most lame pun in the history of the world. No way am I saying something so stupid in front of a camera. What in the world were they thinking of? Did someone get payd to write such crappy lines?

-Fryguy: Nope.

-Triclyde: Look, all of this is beside the point! This is a perfect chance to kill them and achieve a final victory! There's no point in letting them live when it's so easy to kill them now! It makes no sense!

-Koopa: That's what you say, but I'm the boss around here, and what I say goes, so there. Nyah. And I say we dump them into the dungeon!

-Triclyde: Sheez, you absolute idiot! This is nuts! It's so stupid! How many times must I explain! Are you so blinkin' stupid that you can't even grasp that this is a perfect chance to get rid of your biggest enemy once and for all?! Are you that much of a fat, ugly, perverted and braindead moron?!

-Mouser: Why you....! How dare you say that to my Lord Koopa?! You bastard, no matter who you are, I'll never forgive you! Die!!

-Fryguy: Aieee! It's scary!! *faints*

-Mouser: Ruhwoooaaarrr! Triclyde, you're history! I'm going to kill you!!

-Koopa: Wait, wait, what are you lot doing?

-Mouser: Lemme at him! I'm going to blow all of his stupid faces off! 

-Koopa: No, look, just calm down. You can't have your psycho fit just two pages into the script. Now, if Triclyde wants to kill them that badly, I guess we can kill them, just this once. Okay? Happy now, Triclyde?

-Triclyde: Far from it. Milord, while we wasted our time arguing, our captives have snuck off.

-Koopa: Say what?!

Indeed, Mario, Toad, Luigi and Yoshi have dissappeared from the scene...

-Koopa: What a rip-off! Troopas, why didn't you open fire, you twerps!

-One Single Troopa That Doesn't Know When To Shut Up: But your lordship, we never shoot them, we always dump them into the dungeon for no reason at all...

-Koopa: Right, and if you, Triclown, hadn't started your dumb story about killing them instead, this wouldn't have happened! 

-Triclyde: Instead of starting another dumb argument we should start to look for them...

-Koopa: Easy for you to say...I mean, where could they possibly be?!

-Mario: Right here!!

Mario suddenly leaps out, swinging Luigi around like a club, and dashes right at his enemies!

-Mario: Now eat this! My fearsome trademark Luigi club attack! Hyaaah!

-Koopa and co: Aiiieeee!!

Blam, thud, groan, etcetera. Screen cuts to a shot inside the Koopa Kafé bar, with Koopa's three henchmen once again slumped around large glasses of alcohol.

-Triclyde: *downs a glas of vodka* And so, we were defeated once again. Man, what a capital fiasco..

-Fryguy: It was really scary! I need loads of cigarrettes now!

-Triclyde: *downs a glass of saké* Every time it's the same....every single godforsaken time....

-Mouser: It's terrible! I failed to protect my Lord Koopa, even though that's my duty as his boyfriend!

-Triclyde: *downs a glass of tequila*...every single lousy time, and I'm just so bleedin' sick of it....

-Fryguy: Clyde, are you talking to yourself?

-Triclyde:*downs a glass of nitroclycerin*...just so sick of it all...of all this junk....

-Mouser: He's drunk, he probably has no idea what he's rambling on about.

At that point, Triclyde suddenly rises, and in a drunken voice, he belts out the following monolgue, while swaying around the bar.

-Triclyde: Oh yez, I got it now! I've decided *hips*, that I've got to do sssomething! I'm through with being an absolute *hiccups* fllllop! From nnnow on, thingzz will be different! 

-Mouser: Do you mean you're going to try a new hairstyle?

-Triclyde: Put a llllid on it, you! I'll tell you what I'll do! I'm gonna...*hurps*...I'm gonna take over the Koopa army! Yeah! 

-Fryguy: He's more drunk than I thought....

-Triclyde: Our gurrent leaduhr izz a moron! He'zz worthless! *hiups* If we keep lozing to Mario, it' z all hizz vault! It'z because he'z zo terminally zdoopid! *hips* But now I'll take over, and id will alllll be *hiccups* different! Zzo, who's wid me, huh?

No-one pays attention to him....

-Triclyde: Ffffine! *hic* Be that wwway! If not with you lot, then wwwithout you! 

He then stumbles out of the bar, swaying severely....

-Fryguy: Hmmm...do you think he really means it?

-Mouser: Dunno...he's utterly smashed, I'd be surprised if he can even manage to drag himself up the stairs to Lord Koopa's room.

-Fryguy: But still, there's no telling what he's up to....

-Mouser: That's a point, I suppose. And I really can't leave the man of my life to the mercy of some drunken rowdy. Very well...*gulps down a gin 'n tonic*, I'm going after him!

Cut to a shot of Koopa in his dressing room. The door suddenly slams open, and Triclyde sways in, blurbing out these words:

-Triclyde: Oi, ffffat guy...

-Koopa: Not now, I'm trying to choose some proper suspender belts. Something that will go with my high-tops.

-Triclyde: To heck with high-topz, you're going dowwwn.

-Koopa: Either you're wearing a very strong after-shave, or you've been hitting the bottle big time. You're drunk, go pound your head against a wall and leave me alone.

-Triclyde: Naw! I don' wanna! I'm ovverthrowing you! *hiccups* Vvvrom now on, I'm leading the Koopa arrrmy!

-Koopa: Yup, drunk all right. 

-Triclyde: Id'z a revvvoluttion! My big moment! *hics* Power to me!

With those words, Clyde uses his leftmost head to head-butt Koopa in the groin. Having rendered Koopa motionless with this unexpected offense, he wraps his tail around Koopa's ankle, begins to lasso him around, and hurls Koopa out of a window.

-Triclyde: Yezz! Vvigtory vorr me! And now....now I'm going to be sick...Owwch, way too much booze...

At that point, Mouser storms in, looking profoundly angered.

-Mouser: What in the world is going on here?!

-Triclyde: I'm going to hurl, that's what....

-Mouser: Why you...if you've dared to so much as lay a finger on my beloved, you'll regret it, big time!

-Triclyde: Oh no, I really don't need this right now....

-Mouser: Prepare to become a bullet salad! You are just -so- dead now!

-Triclyde: Luckily, I prepared for this eventuality. Mouser, look over here...

Clyde holds up an evelope in his rightmost mouth, and with a nasty smirk on his middle face, he begins to explain...

-Triclyde: Inside this envelope are several photos that I shot of Koopa in the shower!

-Mouser....!! Gulps!

-Triclyde: You...want to take a look, don't you? Come on, don't fight it...

-Mouser: Ah...no, I musn't....it's bound to be a trick...but I can't! I just can't! It's stronger than me! Gimme that envelope, I've -got- to look!

-Triclyde: Help yourself.

Willingly, Clyde hands Mouser the desireable envelope, which he immediately rips open. A cloud of pink powder emanates from the envelope and penetrates Mouser's nostrils...

-Triclyde: Heh. Sucker, you've just ripped open an envelope full of heavy sleeping medicine, it blew right in your face just as I expected. Sweet dreams...

-Mouser: No way....what a...rip...offvvvzzzz....zzzz

The sleeping powder had taken it's effect and Mouser was as of now in a profound slumber. Clyde took opportunity of this to lasso him out of the window just like he had done with Koopa, after which he spoke these words to himself:

-Triclyde: Hmm, maybe I should've used an overdose of heroin instead of just natty sleep powder...only pure heroin is too expensive....Uuhhrg, I've still go to puke big time, though....

Fryguy then rushes in, looking very worried.

-Fryguy: It's so scary! What's going on in here?! Is it over yet?! I can't take it anymore!

-Triclyde: Uhn...Urgh....Guh....

-Fryguy: Clyde, what's the matter?! Say something! Go on, speak to me, this is scaring me!

-Triclyde: Bleuwhaaaaauuurghhh......

-Fryguy: Yieeeeek, disgusting!

While Triclyde emptied the contents of his stomach before a terrified Fryguy, Koopa had regained consciousness. He had landed next to a large lake, and while overlooking it's calm surface, he contemplated these thoughts:

-Koopa: Now I've done it...I feared that this would happen someday...that, if someone in my army who had a halfway decent brain came to realise what kind of a useless moron I really am, he would revolt against me and kick me out. That's why I did my best to hire only complete idiots, but still...Now it's all ruined...My castle, my troops and....my wardrobe...All of my shoes, shorts, stockings, suspenders, bikinis, skirts, kimonos, corsettes, leather gear and dresses...What am I supposed to do? What the heck should I -do-??

After this tragic monologue, he went silent, but the sound of a voice humming the tune to "YMCA" caught his attention. He turned his head towards the source of this sound and spotted Mouser, sitting on a cliff in the lake, wearing a white shirt and black trousers, humming this melody....

-Mouser: A song is good, hmm?

-Koopa: ...Uhm....

-Mouser: Singing brings joy and revitalises the human soul. I think that it's the highest achievement of the human culture. Don't you feel that way...Lord Koopa?

-Koopa: What in the world are you talking about?

-Mouser: Milord, don't worry about a thing! I'll get you your castle back, no matter what it takes! 

-Koopa:...You...?

-Mouser: Yes! I promise, I'll make them pay for what they did to you! I'll fight until my dying breath! I swear I will!

-Koopa: Hmm....

Koopa has a quick flashback to some random clips of Mouser's destructive gunslinging frenzies...

-Koopa: Actually, that might just work....

-Mouser: Allright then, let's go! It's time for me to fight to win love! Game start!

Determined, Mouser rises to his feet, and immediately, he slips and falls into the lake.

-Koopa: On the other hand, maybe this won't work....

-Mouser: Eeek! I can't swim! Heeelp! Do something!

-Koopa: I can't go into the water...*looks at his feet*...I hate it when my snuggly-wugglies get wet....

Screen fades out and cuts to a shot of a large armada of tanks, missile carriers and other sorts of millitary transport menacingly rolling over the plains of the Mushroom Kingdom. The engines of war are manned by Troopas, Goombas, Shy-guys and other sorts of motley flunkies. The pack is led by one especially large tank, with Triclyde standing proudly on it's rooftop, dressed entirely in millitary attire. Grinning evilly, he pronounces the following phrases:

-Triclyde: Hmm...Heh heh heh....Now that I rule the Koopa empire, an era of failure and stupidity has finally ended....

At that point, the Single Troopa That Doesn't Know When To Shut Up pops up and, with an embarrassed doofus grin, speaks these words:

-One Single Koopa Troopa That Doesn't Know When To Shut Up: Uhm...'scuse me, General Triclyde, sir, but....we're lost again.

-Triclyde: Doohhhh!! You moron! For this, you will recieve the death penalty! For the last time, the castle of princess Toadstool is dead ahead! And we will crush it into the ground! Lord Koopa may have had a secret affair with that braindead princess, which is why he never chose to employ the full force of his army, but I'm different. I'll show no mercy! Mario, the princess, and all those other morons; they will die, screaming! I shall leave a trail of massive destruction wherever I go! With all this firepower, and my ruthless and brutal cruelty, I will soon have the entire world in my grasp! Hu wa ha ha ha haaa! And then I will force the animators to paint me with some decent lighting effects and no colouring mistakes! 

-One Single Troopa etc: General Triclyde, sir, they've miscoloured your dictator's costume; it's turned pastel violet instead of murky army green!

-Triclyde: They'll pay for that! Once we've nuked the Mushroom Kingdom, the animators are the next victims on my death list! No-one shall escape my thirst for blood and fire! Wuaaah ha ha ha haaa!!

Screen fades out and cuts to a scene inside the princess' castle. Toad comes up to the princess, with an envelope in his hand.

-Toad: Yo, wassup, royal babe? A'm da Toadman, an' dis 'ere phunk-E letter dood is a bodacious message for you!

-Princess: Oh please, Toad, not with the phoney slang talk routine -again-.

-Toad: Sorry, but I get paid to talk like that. The scriptwriters think it's hilarious.

-Princess: The scriptwriters have the mental capacity of half a baked potato between them. Now just hand me that letter and push off.

Toad obeys these orders, and while the princess opens the envelope, she ponders these thoughts...

-Princess: Hmm, could it be from my luvverboy Koopa? Maybe he wants me to spend the weekend at his place or something...

However, once she glances at the actual letter, an expression of profound horror appears on her face. Screen cuts to a shot of the letter, which has the following text on it:

-"Greetings, puny person! This is an audacious announcement from the immensely evil Triclyde empire! Your boyfriend has gotten the sack, and as of now, I, the bloodthirsty dictator, general Triclyde, am the one in charge of the Koopa forces, and my first job will be to kill you and turn the entire Mushroom Kingdom into a vegetarian omelette! Our armada is on it's way to you as of now, in a matter of minutes, the destruction shall commece, and no-one will be left to live! Even if you decide to surrender willingly, we'll still just kill you, so there! You and your putrid plumber posse are history! The Mushroom Kingdom shall be burnt to a crisp!

Signed cordially; General Triclyde"-

The sight of this produces the following reaction from the princess:

-Princess: Whoa, holy cow! Mario, Luigi, in here on the double!

After a while, the two plumbers drag themselves into the princess' room, looking not at all motivated.

-Mario: Now what?

-Princess: Someone is up to something very bad!

-Mario: Oh! So...Something very bad, like...stealing underwear, eating too many sweets and not doing your homework!

-Princess: It's nothing like that!

-Luigi: Then it must be a massive tidal wave heading right for us, spelling disaster for everyone....

-Princess: You're close, but it's different...maybe even worse...

-Mario: Don't tell me the animators are pretending to be ill! Not again!

-Princess: No, no, look out of the window...

They speed to a nearby window and from there, they behold the sight of Triclyde's massive armada of tanks rumbling towards the castle.

-Princess: Now do you see?

-Luigi: Oh, it's the apocalypse, we will all be killed in a gross and violent fashion now. Might as well hurl myself out of the window, then.....

-Mario: Yes, you do that. Meanwhile, I will....uhm...gee, what exactly will I do?

-Princess: Isn't it obvious?! You're going out there to fight!

-Mario: Me against that mass of tanks? That's suicide!

-Princess: Disobeying me is even more of a suicidical move. Now get out there and kick butt!

Immediately, she picks up Mario, and with an energic kick to his bum, she sends him flying out of the castle window, and towards the approaching tanks. Luigi, Yoshi and Toad are subjected to the same treatment and are hurled along with Mario towards the battle ground. They land in front of the tanks, which produces the following reaction from Triclyde.

-Triclyde: Oh, it's those bums. Excellent, they will be my first victims!

-Mario: Wah! It's Trashclyde! Quick, Yoshi, eat the tanks!

-Yoshi: I can't. I'm feeling sick....oh man, I should've never touched that squid special at Freaky Franky's Fishy Fantasy Funhouse seafood restaurant....My stomach hurts, it's killing me...

-Triclyde: Here's something to make you forget about your belly-aches! Fire!!

Immediately, a rain of bullets and rockets is projected upon the Mario group, who begin to run around in panic to avoid the explosives.

-Luigi: I told you we would die....

-Mario: Oh, shut yer yap and come here!

Mario then picks up Luigi and begins to swing him around, faster and faster...

-Mario: And here it is; the Luigi lasso throw attack! Eat it, Twotclyde!

Luigi is hurled at Triclyde's face like a boomerang, but a shower of missiles intercepts this plumber projectile, and a black-burned Luigi falls to the ground. A tank then drives over him, flattening him like a pancake.

-Mario: Didn't work! Next attack; Toad, annoy them to death with your funky slang talk!

-Toad: Right away! You, army-type dooz, ya godda loosen up, get mellow! Go wid da flow, ya know wud a'm sayin'? 

-Triclyde: Murder that mushroom! Fire at full power!

Toad is also burnt to a crisp by a flood of explosives, causing Mario to make the following remark:

-Mario: Knackered! What will I do now?! Luigi and Toad have bravely given their lives in battle...

-Toad: I'm not dead....Besides, you're the one who killed Luigi.

-Luigi: No, I'm not dead....I still have to face this horrible world....

-Mario: Aw, nuts...In any case, you're in no state to continue fighting, so....

-Triclyde: So that means you're next, bignose! For so long, I've waited for this!

-One Single Troopa That Doesn't Know When To Shut Up: General Triclyde, sir! Something strange is happening!

-Triclyde: What?! I had given you the death penalty! How come you're still alive?!

-One Single Troopa and so on...: But, sir, we're under attack from behind! It's terrible! An intruder is destroying a massive amount of our vehicles! We shot the following footage of this attacker...

He then hands Clyde a photograph on which Mouser can be seen, punching a tank to pieces.

-Triclyde: What?! No, not him! It can't be!

Screen cuts to a shot of Mouser lifting a tank above his head and hurling it onto another tank, causing both tanks to explode. Troopas run around in panic as Mouser continues to rip several tanks to shreds with his bare hands.

-Mouser: Huwwwoarrrgh! Full powerrr! Payback time, Triclyde!

Screen cuts back to Triclyde, who is looking deeply worried...

-Triclyde: This is bad...Mouser is the only one whom I fear...If this goes on, he'll turn my whole armada into shrapnel! Allright, attention all troops! Our new target is the intruder who is attacking us from behind! Let rip with full power, concentrate all fire on him! Kill!

Immediately, all the tanks and gun turrets that were pointed at Mario turn around and empty their contents in Mouser's direction. However, he is unharmed by the many projectiles exploding around him. Howling in rage, he runs through the clouds of smoke and fire that surround him and continues to punch heavy machinery to pieces. 

-Triclyde: Rats! It's not working! All of our concentrated firepower isn't enough to even scratch him!

-Mario: Hey, what about me? Why is no-one paying attention to me anymore?! 

-Triclyde: Compared to the threat that Mouser poses, you are negligible, chubby.

-Mario: What a rip-off!

-Triclyde: It looks like we'll have to use our nuclear missile against Mouser...I didn't want to employ it so soon, but there's no other way. Prepare to launch the nuke!

After this order has been issued, an enormous atomic missile is loaded into a cannon and fired at Mouser. However, he soon enough notices this approaching projectile and grabs it with his bare hands. After a long struggle, he manages to bring it to a halt, lift it above his head and throw it back to Triclyde's troops.

-Triclyde: He has thrown the nuke back at us.....the nuke is about to fall on us....oh heck.....

-Everyone: Oh heeeeeck!!

While everyone bursts out in desperate panic, the nuke crashes onto Triclyde's armada, and explodes in a humongous burst of fire and smoke, reducing all of the remaining tanks to smouldering piles of rubble...Only Triclyde's giant leading tank is left. Mouser is standing amidst the ravaged machines, facing Triclyde's giant tank, while the sound of wind blowing is heard in the background.....

-Mouser: And that just leaves you.....

-Triclyde: It seems like I underestimated you....I'm impressed that you managed to destroy my entire millitary force in just one go. You truly have extraordinary fighting abilities....Mouser, would you not like to join me?

-Mouser: No!

-Triclyde: Think about it....By combining your superhuman muscle-power and my finely-tuned intellect, we would be invincible! An unbeatable team, just like Sailor Neptune and Uranus!....No, hold on what am I saying?...We'd be an unbeatable team, just like....uhm...two people that would make an unbeatable team! 

-Mouser: I said no! There's no way I'll do that!

-Triclyde: Doesn't it appeal to you? You could rule the entire world, be rich beyond your wildest dream and have any man you want....

-Mouser: There's only one man I want, and you are that man's enemy! For what you have done to Lord Koopa, I can never forgive you! I won't rest until I've smashed your ugly mug in!

-Triclyde: I see, there's no reasoning with you after all. Very well then, have it your way...I didn't want it to come to this, but you really leave me no choice...Well, here goes! Commence assembly! Arise, ultra doomsday mech Armaggeddon!!

Those words cause the tank underneath Triclyde to pulsate, and amazingly, it then shifts form and becomes an enormous robot, which stands tall in front of Mouser. Triclyde's voice can be heard, coming from the robot.

-Triclyde: Uh wah ha ha ha ha....You see, I think of everything. The doomsday machine you see before you, Armaggeddon, was built just in case it would come to this. Even with your overwhelming physical strenght, can you defeat such a towering machine? Do you really think you stand a chance?!

-Mouser: I've sworn to fight until the very end for my Lord Koopa, and until I'm properly dead, I'm not giving up!

-Triclyde: Tsch...idiot. It's a shame...you could've been an outstanding fighter, if only you weren't so sickeningly immature. Now, it looks like you will have to die. Game.....Start!!

The towering machine and Mouser then dashed at each other and began to slug it out seriously, with the robot throwing several punches that Mouser easily avoided. Camera zooms out to reveal Mario and the others, who are sitting on a couch, with packs of crisps and cans of softdrink, watching this scene as if it was a TV program.

-Mario: This is fun to watch! Beats sumo wrestling and giant rubber monster movies!

-Toad: I'll bet 20 gold coins that they'lll end up killing each other.

-Yoshi: Pass me some more potato chips, will you?

-Mario: Weren't you supposed to be feeling terribly sick?

-Yoshi: Oddly, I feel much better now *stupid grin*

-Mario: Hmm, your stomach is very selective when it comes to illness...

Screen cuts to a shot of Triclyde at the controls of the robot, laughing evilly.

-Triclyde: Hu ha ha ha ha! This is it! Die!!

Cut to a shot of the robot lunging it's fist directly at Mouser.

-Mouser: Bring it on, I'm ready!

Mouser intercepts the robot's huge fist by grabbing it with both hands. He then tightly graps the giant mechanical hand in his arms, and concentrating all his efforts, he then begins to pull with all his might.

-Mouser: Huuurrrrgggnnnnnnhhh......

-Triclyde: Ah ha ha ha haa!! Do you honestly think that will get you anywhere?! You're pathetic!

-Mouser: Hhggggnnnnnnsssshhhhuuuuddduuuup! 

-Triclyde: It's no good, face it! Whatever you're trying to do, you're not strong enough!

-Mouser: Hrrrrrrroooaaaaawhurrrrrrgh!

This continued test of his might was paying it's toll on Mouser; veins and blood vessels began to swell up everywhere, his eyes grew increasingly more bloodshot and he began to violently foam at the mouth, yet he still continued to pull at the robot's arm with his full force. At the robot's commands, Triclyde was still struck with disbelief at this display of extreme pig-headedness.

-Triclyde: Stop being so stubborn! You won't defeat me like that, not in a million years!

But suddenly, a red light begins to flash on the control panel before Triclyde.

-Triclyde: What's this? "Emergency"?! No way! The left arm is losing power?! It's not possible...no, he couldn't ...!!

Cut to a close-up of Mouser, who finally sees his prolongued struggle rewarded.

-Mouser: Huuurrrrrghnnnn, I've got you now! Eat this! Hrrrruwaaarrrrgh!!

With one mighty yank, he then rips off the entire left arm of the gigantic robot, and the huge metal arm crashes to the ground. Inside the robot's control cockpit, Triclyde is gripped by sudden panic.

-Triclyde: Nooo! The entire left arm is gone! This is totally nuts! He can't just rip off the arm of a robot twenty times bigger than himself! It makes no sense! I don't believe it!

Meanwhile, Mouser has picked up the robot's severed arm and hoists it above his head.

-Mouser: And now for the finishing blow! Say your prayers, Triclyde! You're about to find out that love truly is the strongest force on earth! Hyaaaah!!

He then hurls the severed arm into the air like a spear. The enormous hunk of metal soars through the sky and pierces right through the giant robot's torso. Empaled on it's own arm, the robot slowly sinks to the ground, while several parts begin to explode. Inside the smouldering robot, Triclyde is having a major freak attack..

-Triclyde: Yeeeek!! No way, this is completely crazy! This can't be happening! Yeeeeh, flip! Oowahahahahaa! It's nuts! Everyone is crazy! Yeehahahahahaaa! Woohahahahaheehee! Totally crazy! Heeheehoowaa!!

The robot continues to slowly fall to the ground, much to the displeasure of Mario and co.

-Toad: Aiiieee! That huge thing is going to fall onto us!

-Mario: Yoshi, quick, eat that robot before we get crushed!

-Yoshi: Ooohhh, I feel so sick all of a sudden.......

-Mario: Not again!

-Luigi: We will all die, there's no more hope for us...this is the end....

-Toad: Shut up, you! Now hurry, run for it!

Just as they're going to leg it, the robot crashes onto them, and a "squish" noise is heard. Camera pans around the now-motionless robot, lying on it's back, with the severed arm sticking out of it's chest, and then zooms in to Mouser, who is still drenched in sweat, covered with bruises and breathing heavily, but looking very happy.

-Mouser: I...*huff*...I did it! I fought for my Lord Koopa, and.....*pant, oof*... I won! Milord, look at me! I did it! I really....I really did it!

Slowly, his eyes then close and he sinks to the ground, where he lies sleeping with a big smile on his face. At that point, Koopa pops out of some bushes and hesitantly approaches this scene.

-Koopa: Whoa, what a mess....So, he sent Clyde packing....

At that point, a small figure appears on the horizon, squeaking and yelping. As it comes closer, it's revealed to be an overjoyed Fryguy, who shrieks out these phrases as he runs towards Koopa:

-Fryguy: Lord Koopa! You're baaack! I'm so happy! When Clyde went crazy, I was so scared! He scared the hell out of me, so I ran away. But now you're back and I don't need to be scared anymore!

-Koopa: Well, it's thanks to Mouser, really. He took on the legion of tanks all by himself, and he even defeated the giant robot...

A quick shot of the defeated robot is shown, which produces this reaction from Fryguy:

-Fryguy: Yeek! What is that huge thing?! It's scary! Aiieee! Somebody give me a cigarrette!

At that moment, the princess arrives on the scene, equally happy to see Koopa.

-Princess: Koopa! It's you! You're safe!

-Koopa: Hey, nice to see you, babe! As you see, I'm safe and have everything under control (except that my entire army has just been smashed).

-Princess: I was so worried! When I heard that Triclyde had kicked you out and that he had declared war on us, I was this close to a complete freak attack! It sure is good to have you back! You're my hero!

-Fryguy: But, it was really Mouser who did all the work....

-Princess: Shut it, you nicotine nerdy! Who the hell asked you for your dumb comments?!

-Fryguy: Yeek! You're scaring me!

-Koopa: I suppose we really do owe Mouser a lot...Heh, for a mere mouse, he sure can fight! (and he's a pretty good kisser, too).

-Princess: Now do you see what you've done with your stupid remarks, you Pall Mall pansy?! Why I oughtta....

-Fryguy: Eeyaaah! Nooo!! *faints*

-Koopa: Hmm? Were you talking to Fryguy?

-Princess: Oh no, it's nothing. Now how about you and me heading back to your place?

-Koopa: Oh, of course! I've got my wardrobe back! All of my trendy outfits! There's one I just know you'll love, it's sooo me!

-Princess: Sounds good, let's go!

Koopa then picks up the unconscious Fryguy and the sleeping Mouser and walks off with the princess. Camera zooms in to the remains of Triclyde's robot. A hatch opens in the robot's chest and Triclyde's heads pop out.

-Triclyde: This is not the end of it yet.....

Cut to a quick shot of a paper-flat Mario, Toad and Yoshi crawling out from underneath the robot's corpse.

-Mario: Ooowww, that hurt....

-Yoshi: Let's get out of here....

-Toad: Just a minute, where's Luigi?

-Mario: Ah, who cares?


	8. Episode 8: The Thrilling Adventures of t...

-Mario: Whoa, are you still reading this junk? What's wrong with you? I mean, this is the Super Mario Brothers' Freaky Show, for crying out loud. 

**Episode 8: The Thrilling Adventures of the Lovely Charming Super Hero!**

"Plumber's log, number 99999, 99. We had arrived in the kingdom of Yawnin, and were seeking for help against Koopa. And then..."

-Princess: Hold it, hold it, just a minute. Mario, why in the world do nine episodes out of ten force us to drag ourselves to some stupid location, supposedly "looking for help against Koopa"? 

-Mario: Well, it's not my fault, it's the script that says so, and...

-Yoshi: What's a script? Is it something tasty?

-Princess: Nobody will buy the old blame-it-on-the-script excuse, Mario. Now look at this place. Already it's name is "the kingdom of Yawnin", which is not a good start. But it goes steadily downhill from there: there are only 15 inhabitants, and 75% of them can't read.

-Toad: Kinda like our animation staff....

-Princess: There is no electricity or running water, everyone is a complete and utter moron and strictly nothing ever happens, whatsoever. And it's the same thing for every crummy kingdom we have to travel to. What in the world do you think you can find here that will be of any use whatsoever?! What kind of an utterly debile plot premise is this?! Why doesn't someone just shoot our scriptwriters?!

-Toad: Actually, I just did.

-Princess: *thinking to herself* Oh man, this Mario dork is hopeless! I hate getting dragged to boring middle-of-nowhere locations by him! Just wait until I'm back with Koopa, then we'll sort him out once and for all.

-Mario: Well, look, I know that trekking to such dull locations and giving a display of extremely lame witticisms isn't exactly fun, but this is different. You see, in this kingdom of Yawnin, there's a mighty super hero, and his name is the great Snafoo!

-Princess: Come again?

-Mario: The heroic exploits of Snafoo are famous the world over, and this kingdom is his home! If anyone can help us punch Koopa's beer gut in, it's Snafoo!

-Yoshi: I don't know what a Snafoo is, but it sounds pretty tasty.

-Toad: A-herm, Mario, I don't really know how to tell you this....

-Mario: What? What is it?

-Toad: Snafoo is nothing but an elaborate fabrication. The tale of Snafoo is a silly fairy story told to dopey kids who will believe anything.

-Princess: And Mario's mental level is about equal to that.

-Toad: So basically, this Snafoo person is a bit like a Santa Claus-style thing, only less well-marketed. 

-Mario: I fail to see the connection...

-Toad: *sigh* The connection is simple: Snafoo doesn't exist. 

-Mario: Yes, but what does that have to do with Santa Claus?

-Toad: *sweatdrop* I don't see why I bother. Look, even if he existed, with a name like Snafoo, he'd probably be a hopeless twot. So no big loss there.

-Mario: Well, it's still a major rip-off! Snafoo, you bastard! Damn you to hell for not existing! Grrr, I really need something to take out my frustrations on.

Mario then picks up a large rock and pounds it against Luigi's face a few times. He then kicks Luigi away into the distance.

-Princess: So basically, we came all this way for strictly no reason whatsoever, and it's all Mario's fault....

-Toad: I say we beat him up with a big pointy stick for this.

-Mario: I dare you to.

-Princess: Hrrrmph, Mario is such an idiot, he makes a complete mess out of absolutely everything! *to herself* I sure wish I was with Koopa now...

Fade out and cut to a shot of Triclyde, standing in front of a large mirror. He's wearing a pale turkis dress and a mock pearl necklace. His middle face is smeared with gratuitous, tarty-looking make-up. His two outermost heads are trying to fit a large, bright pink wig onto the middle head. They sort of succeed, and contemplate themselves in the mirror. The middle head then sighs deeply.

-Triclyde (middle head): Oh man, the things I don't have to do to have another go at global domination. I never thought I'd have to revert to transvestite practises. It's humiliating, I look godawful.

The leftmost head then turns to the middle head and gives it a long, languid stare.

-Triclyde (leftmost head): Oh, on the contrary, I think you're the most ravishing creature I've ever seen. Slurrrp, your perfume drives me wild, you major studmuffin, you.

-Triclyde (middle head): *big sweatdrop* Lefty, his isn't the right time for that kind of thing. Now, we've almost finished our disguise, we only need to add the final touch.

-Triclyde (rightmost head): *groan* Must we really do this?

-Triclyde (middle head): Yes, we do. We need to look as authentic as possible. Koopa is having job interviews to find someone to replace me today. Disguised as a woman, we'll pass this interview. That way, we'll be back in the Koopa empire, with a second chance at taking control. But for that, Righty, we really must do this thoroughly. Now, Lefty, Righty, hide inside my bra and make like a pair of knockers.

Grumbling, Triclyde's left and rightmost heads retract their necks and nestle themselves in the cups of the bra he's wearing.

-Triclyde (middle head): Yes, that looks convincing enough. Try not to move or make noise while you're in there.

The muffled voice of Righty is heard, mumbling these words:

-"It's really crowded in here, and I can't breathe well. And Lefty keeps trying to bite my nose"-

-Triclyde: It'll never work this way...

Fade out and cut to a shot of a large poster with Koopa on it. He's dressed in a feathered, bright pink bikini, with a stern expression on his face, and is pointing his left index finger forward. The text on the poster reads "I WANT YOU....baby". Camera scrolls down to reveal the following text at the bottom of the poster:

-"Job opening: We're currently looking for someone to replace our recently kicked out Third Dumbbell Sidekick (tm). Please apply, we'll take just about anyone. Honestly. And all you have to do is hang around a crummy bar. Okay, so the pay's rotten, and you'll have perverted maniacs as your colleagues and as your superior as well, but still, you know, give it a go. Or not. See if we care."- 

Fade out and cut to a shot of Fryguy, behind a desk, with a big cigar between his lips. Opposite to him is a dopey-looking middle-aged man wearing a pair of panties on his head.

-Fryguy: So, you came for the job? You must really be desperate.

The strange guy replies to this in these words

-Weirdo guy: I sure am. Allow me to introduce myself: I'm Snafoo. I used to be a bit of a hero-type, that is, until the panties-on-the-head look went out of fashion. It's all Sailor Senshi and Pocket Monsters now, the hero business has no more room for me. Still, it's never too late to teach an old dog new tricks, right?

-Fryguy: Yes, well, I'm afraid you're not quite what we're looking for, Mister Snafoo. Thank you for your time, you may leave now. Please call in the next applicant on your way out.

-Snafoo: Aww, what a rip-off.

Cut to a shot of Triclyde, still in his dress, with Lefty and Righty tucked in his bra and out of sight. He's sitting on a chair outside of a big door with a sign on it that reads "Job interviews here". Muffled voices can be heard from time to time.

-"No, Lefty, stop that, not now."

-"But Righty, your nose is so cute. I want to nibble it."

The door then opens and Snafoo walks out. Upon witnessing this, Triclyde has the following reaction.

-Triclyde: Ha ha ha ha! That silly face!

-Snafoo: *sigh* No-one respects an ex-hero anymore. Well, it's your turn now, bloke in a dress. Good luck.

Triclyde then pops into Fryguy's "office", and in a most phoney and unconvincing high-pitched girly voice, he speaks these words:

-Triclyde: *a-herm* Hellooo there, big boy. Well, my lil' ol' name's Trashika, and I came for that job you offer there.

-Fryguy: *to himself* Trashika....Whoa, she's hot! *then to Triclyde* Well, I have news you for you, miss Trashika, you've got the job!

-Triclyde: Eh? Really?

-Fryguy: Sure thing. Come down to the Koopa Kafé bar with me, I'll show you around!

-Triclyde: *to himself* Hmm, this is going better than I expected.

Fade out and cut to a view of Mouser's room, still with the various Koopa-worshipping items, now including the pair of black, skull-imprinted boxers, framed and hanging from a wall. Zoom in to Mouser, who is lying asleep in bed, mumbling these words in his slumber:

-Mouser: Mmmmhhnn...oh...Lord Koopa....ahh, that hurts so good....don't stop, milord....

Suddenly, an alarm clock begins to ring, and he wakes up with a start, gasping for breath. He then slowly turns to the ringing alarm clock and gives the object a long, menacing stare from his still-sleepy and baggy eyes. He slowly pulls a six-shooter from underneath his pillows, points it at the alarm clock, and blows it to bits with a well-aimed gunshot.

-Mouser: That'll teach you to walk in on me and Lord Koopa when we were -this- close......even if it was just a dream. Man, my head sure hurts now....

He then slumps out of bed, slips on a pair of snug-fitting black leather trousers and a shiny pink leather jacket, and walks off, in the direction of the Koopa Kafé. However, on his way there, he spots Snafoo, who is standing in one of the castle halls, staring at one of the "I WANT YOU......baby" job application posters, with Koopa's picture on them.

-Snafoo: That Koopa jerk...Damn him! How dare they turn me down like this?! And then they hire the bloke in the dress straight away! What a bunch of bastards! Grrr!

No longer able to contain himself, Snafoo then tears the poster from the wall and begins to rip it to pieces.

-Snafoo: Die, Koopa, die!!

Upon witnessing this, Mouser slowly but surely walks up to Snafoo, with a menacing glare.

-Mouser: And just what do you think -you- are doing?

-Snafoo: I'm ripping up a poster of a perverted freak. What's it to you, rat?

-Mouser: Right, that just about does it. I'll have you know I'm in a very bad mood in the mornings!

-Snafoo: But it's 2 o'clock in the afternoon.

-Mouser: Don't contradict me! It really gets on my tits! Now eat this!

Mouser then punches Snafoo right in the face. The impact of this punch sends Snafoo flying. He crashes through a castle wall and is flung off into the distance, screaming like a maniac. Fade out and cut to a shot of Triclyde and Fryguy in the Koopa Kafé bar.

-Fryguy: Well, this is the place. The food is absolutely rancid, and there really isn't anything to do besides taking an overdose of intoxicating materials. We did have a pool table, but...

Cut to a rapid shot of a pool table, smashed in half, with crushed 8-balls and broken que sticks lying around.

-Fryguy:...Mouser lost his temper when he kept losing and smashed it up. It was really scary! Then, Lord Koopa had an arcade game installed here. It was called "lovely dynamite pixie warrior Sweety Candy fighters Super R". Lord Koopa seems to like that kind of thing. Playing it was kinda scary....but alas, Mouser kept losing again, and it got on his nerves, so he ripped out the control sticks and threw the machine against a wall. He's a little strange...

-Triclyde: Oh, tell me something I don't know. 

At that point, Mouser pops up behind Fryguy

-Mouser: Oi, smokey, that's my seat you're in. Push off.

-Fryguy: Yeek! Okay, okay, please don't do anything scary!

-Mouser: Hrmmm....*turns to Triclyde* and what do you call this?

-Fryguy: Oh, this is our new employee, and her name's Trashika!

-Mouser: Tsch, you couldn't choose a hot guy, of course, you little tobacco twerp.

-Fryguy: Come on now, be nice to her...

-Mouser: Don't you start to tell me what to do here! Now listen up, newcomer!

-Triclyde: Ah....you mean me?

-Mouser: That's right. First rule here: Lord Koopa is mine. Come anywhere near him and you'll be picking shotgun shells outta your tampax. I'll have you know that I don't like women at all. Now, you got all that, newcomer?!

-Fryguy: Mouser, c'mon, don't be so rude to her.

-Mouser: You keep your ciggie-breath outta this, or else...!!

-Fryguy: Aieee, it's scary! Mommyyyy, I want a Camel!

-Triclyde: Uhmm, well, if you boys don't mind, I'll just pop down to the little girls room and powder my lil' ol' nose, okies?

Clyde then rushes off into the ladies' room, where he speaks these words:

-Triclyde: Okay boys, you can come out now.

His two outermost heads, Lefty and Righty immediately pop out from his dress, gasping for breath.

-Lefty: Phew...oof, any longer and I would've suffocated in that bra!

-Righty: Actually, I was beginning to think it was quite cosy in there.

-Lefty: I don't want to hear anymore from you, Righty! Clyde, this whole Trashika masquerade isn't working out! What if you forget to give us a breathing pause, and we really end up dying of suffocation?!

-Clyde: Well, what do you suggest I do about it? Give you a friggin' oxigen tank?

-Righty: Hmm, and in what part of your dress would you hide an oxigen tank, eh?

-Clyde: Well, for now, you'll just have to endure this bra thing, Lefty. Try to take only shallow breaths. Now get back in there, I can't stay in the can all day long.

-Lefty: *sigh* Oh, allright then. And if you try anything freakish on me while we're in there, Righty, I'll scream!

-Clyde: Oh no, I can't have a buste that begins to scream, that'd give us away!

Cut to a shot of Mario, running along the muddy, empty roads of Yawnin. Toad and the princess are chasing him, brandishing pointed sticks. They run around in circles, while Yoshi just sits there in the background, and watches them with glee.

-Toad: That's the last time you'll drag us to a cruddy kingdom for no reason at all! Eat pointed stick punishment, Mario!

-Mario: I was prepared for this! Luigi Shield, go!

Mario the takes out Luigi and uses him as a shield to block the pointy stick blows from Toad and the princess.

-Mario: And now, I'm on the attack! Luigi Swipe!

Mario swings Luigi around horizontally, like a sword, but Toad and the princess just jump away. Luigi ends up getting smashed against a nearby big boulder. Yoshi then speaks up.

-Yoshi: Ha ha ha ha ha! Now that's entertaining! Go for it, guys!

At that point, a screaming figure comes falling from the sky and crashes onto Yoshi. Snafoo, for it is him, then picks himself up and rubs his badly bruised jaw.

-Snafoo: Owww, that sure hurts...Hmm, that kid...

He has a rapid flashback to the angry look Mouser gave him.

-Snafoo: Man, he has some punch! He's my type! I like him, he's hot!

Mario and the others then menacingly approach Snafoo.

-Toad: Who -is- this freak?

-Mario: He looks almost as hopelessly debile as Luigi.

-Yoshi: Should I eat him?

-Snafoo: Ah, wait, you don't understand! I'm actually pretty famous around here! You may have heard about me; my name's Snafoo!

-Princess: Nope, never heard of.

-Mario: But princess, Snafoo is the one I was just telling you about!

-Princess: Oh yeah, that totally slipped my mind.

-Mario: See, Snafoo does exist! I bet he's still on an amazing adventure as of now!

-Snafoo: Nah, not really. I just came from there.

With those words, Snafoo points to a shoddily drawn castle-like building in the distance.

-Toad: But...that is...!!

-Mario: It's one of Koopa's kookie castles! And Snafoo went in there on his own! I told you he was one hell of a hero!

-Snafoo: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to that castle thingie.

-Mario: Wow! He gets knocked down, but he goes right back in!

-Toad: Only a real idiot would do such a thing....

-Mario: Snafoo, we will all come with you to help out with your fight against Koopa!

-Toad: Not on yer life. We're not going in there with you two twerps, no chance.

-Princess *thinking* Hmm, it might be a good idea to go there with Mario. While we're in that castle, I'll find a moment to sneak off and join Koopa again, and then we'll kill Mario with the many traps and guards inside the castle! Heh heh heh heh....

Cut to a shot of Snafoo and the Mario gang standing outside Koopa's castle.

-Snafoo: Now, how do we get in there?

-Mario: Don't panic, I've got just the thing! The Luigi hammer technique!

Mario picks up Luigi and slams him against the castle wall repeatedly, but nothing happens.

-Mario: These castle walls are too solid! Luigi, you absolute no-hoper! You're useless! Arrrgh!

Angered, Mario hurls Luigi to the ground and stomps on him a few times.

-Yoshi: So, what do we do now?

-Mario: You could eat us a hole into the castle walls....

-Yoshi: Ooohhh, owww, my stomach hurts.

-Mario: Never mind...

-Toad: This is just a suggestion, but what if we just used the door?

Everyone then turns around and notices that Toad is pointing to a large doorway, wide open, with nothing in their way whatsoever. Loud crow-cawing resounds in the background. Cut to a shot of the Mario bunch, sneaking around Koopa's castle, wearing paper bags over their heads.

-Mario: Hah! Our disguise is perfect! No-one will figure out that it's really us!

Suddenly, an alarm siren begins to ring, and a speaker system belts out these words:

_-"Warning! Warning! The Mario gang have invaded our fortress, wearing paper bags on their heads! Engage battle immediately! Fire at will and shoot to kill!"-_

-Mario: Then again, maybe not....

Immediately, a long whip comes lashing onto the screen. It enlaces the princess' ankle and drags her away, to a grinning Koopa, with several troops standing around him.

-Mario: No way! Koopa's got the princess!

-Princess: *happily surprised* Koopa, it's you!

-Koopa: Yo, your feet are looking as slurp-tastic as ever! Well, now to finish off Mario and those other no-hopers! Activate the Thwomps!

Several Thwomps then come crashing down, and Luigi is crushed by one of them. While more Thwomps begin to slam down around the Mario bunch, they gradually panic.

-Snafoo: Eeek! What is going on here?!

-Toad: It's terrible! Those Thwomps are surrounding us! 

Camera zooms out and shows that the Thwomps have formed a circle around Mario and co, which means they're well and truly trapped now. Mouser, Fryguy and Triclyde (still in drag) then jump into this Thwomp circle and face Mario.

-Mouser: Hu ha ha ha ha! Now, you're imprisoned in our Thwomp arena!

-Mario: Naah, I can just jump over these naff Thwomps.

-Mouser: Think again, porky!

The ceiling then lowers itself, making it impossible to jump over the wall of Thwomps.

-Mario: Oh well, what's the difference?

-Mouser: The difference is that you can't escape me now! I'll send you to a gatling-gun grave!

-Snafoo: Oh! It's him! It's my hottie boy!

-Everyone: Huh??

Snafoo the rushes up to Mouser and takes his hands.

-Snafoo: Please, I beg of you, punch me again! It felt so good! Punch me, please!

-Mouser: It'll be my pleasure! Eat it!

With his thundering fist, Mouser then knocks out a few of Snafoo's teeth. This sends Snafoo slamming against the Thwomp walls, where he remains unconscious. 

-Mouser: And now, you will all die!

-Fryguy: Mouser, wait a minute! Let me fight them this time!

-Mouser: You? What in the world can -you- do? 

-Fryguy: Trust me, I won't fail this time...*to himself* I'll give it my all! In front of the beautiful miss Trashika, I'll show my strength, as a man!

-Mouser: Well, fine by me, go ahead if you must. See if I care what happens to you.

-Fryguy: Okay! Miss Trashika, I'll fight this battle in name of you!

-Triclyde: Oh....uhm, great.

Fryguy then takes out the Kaleido Moon Smoke and points it at Mario.

-Fryguy: Mario! We still have some unfinished business! But I'm not the same as before!

-Mouser: Oh, that's right, you did switch to a different brand of cigarettes. But will that make any difference?

-Fryguy: Just leave this to me! By the power of the Kaleido Moon Smoke, the cigarettes of this world are mine to command! Legato, Merryl, Wolfwood! It's up to you now! Attack!

Once again, nothing at all happens.

-Toad: I see, we're back to this again...

-Mario: He's making an idiot out of himself, as usual. I'll just punch his face in, shall I?

-Fryguy: Hah! I still have my Run Away Move! Here goes!

He then turns around and begins to leg it...and runs right into the Thwomp wall, which causes him to pass out.

-Mouser: Stupid...

-Mario: We all saw that coming. Now for a quick Luigi club attack to finish this!

-Toad: Only Luigi just got crushed under a Thwomp.

-Mario: What?! No way! Luigi, you stupid bastard! *sigh* Oh well, I'll just have to use Toad, then.

-Toad: What?? Ooooh no, you wouldn't dare...!

But it's too late. Mario grabs Toad and flings him at Mouser and Triclyde. Mouser rapidly dodges this, but Clyde is hit right in the face and passes out, as well as Toad.

-Mario: And another one bites the dust! That just leaves the gay rat.

-Mouser: Hrrrmmm, you'll soon regret using that kind of language! A couple of UZI's should be enough to teach you some manners, the hard way! Eat it!

Several UZI rounds are fired at Mario, who jiggles around in hysteria to avoid them.

-Mouser: Wu hu ha ha ha ha ha! No use, Mario! You won't get away! And if you don't feel like UZI, I'll gladly switch to going bazooka ballistic! Uwaah ha ha ha ha!

He then produces a large bazooka and prepares to fire.

-Mario: Yikes! This is bad! Quick, Yoshi, we need you now! Eat us a way out of this Thwomp prison!

-Yoshi: No, I'm too full. I can't eat another bite....

-Mario: That's bull! You haven't eaten for a moderately halfway long period of time! What could have made you full?

-Yoshi: *burp* Well, I was getting bored, so I ate Snafoo.

-Mario: What??!

Mario then notices a half-eaten slip hanging from Yoshi's lips: the very same slip that Snafoo used to be wearing on his head.

-Yoshi: He was cannabis-flavoured! Pretty tasty!

-Mario: Now what will we do?!

-Mouser: You'll die, that's what! Fire!!

A smoking missile is then fired from Mouser's bazooka. Mario and Yoshi dodge it, and it ends up blowing up the Thwomp wall. Before the smoke clears up, Mario and Yoshi, dragging the knocked-out Toad with them run away, but Mouser is right behind them, spraying bullets left, right and center. Fryguy then wakes up and notices that Triclyde is still lying there, unconscious.

-Fryguy: Oh no, miss Trashika! Say something! Miss Trashika, are you allright?!

Concerned, he then tries to shake Triclyde a bit, in order to wake him up. However, this causes Clyde's pink wig to slide off his head. Fryguy's eyes widen, he screams at the top of his lungs and faints again. Cut to Koopa and the princess, in a luxurious suite, where they're beholding how Mouser chases Mario through the kingdom of Yawnin.

-Princess: Ha ha ha ha! This is hysterical!

-Koopa: We really should do this more often, don't you think?

-Princess: Fully agreed! Ah, this is the life!

-Koopa: How about driving over some innocent bystanders with steam rollers later on?

-Princess: Sounds great! Wee, we have so much fun together!

-Koopa: Just wait, my dear, it'll only get better and better.

-Princess: Ahh, my big glob of repulsive toxic waste, how you revolt me....mmmmh

Cut to a shot of Mario himself, still running in panic, with hefty ammo exploding all around him.

-Mario: Aaahhh, enough already! I got the message! This is the last time I'll go for the dumb "travel to some crap kingdom to look for help against Koopa" scenario! Once I get my hands on the scriptwriters, they'll be dead!

Fade out as the explosive Mario-Mouser chase scene continues....


	9. Episode 9: Foot in Space

-Mario: Run for your lives! It's the Super Mario Brothers' Freaky Show! Yeeeek!

**Episode 9: Foot in Space**

"Plumber's log, number 1331. During our last battle, Fryguy had discovered, to his shock, that the newcomer "Trashika", for whom he had the hots big time, wasn't really what "she" first seemed. And this was severely traumatising him....Hang on, how do I know about this in the first place? And why do I write it down in my plumber's log? What the hell is a plumber's log anyway? Oh, never mind....."

Fade in to a view of a large field of flowers. Triclyde, in his Trashika dress, complete with wig and make-up, and with Lefty and Righty tucked in his bra is standing there, while a few petals float around him. Fryguy comes running up to him.

-Fryguy: Miss Trashika!

-"Trashika": Oh, Fryguy, it's you!

-Fryguy: Miss Trashika, I have something very important, that I've wanted to tell you for a long time! Please listen!

-"Trashika": I see. Well, I'm listening....

-Fryguy: Allright then....*to himself* here goes, here goes, _here goes!_ *deep breath, then, to Triclyde* I'vvvve got a hhhhot flasssh for you! 

-"Trashika": Oh, why Fryguy....*blushes*

-Fryguy: Yay! I said it! Here, these are for you, miss Trashika!

Fryguy then takes out a small, miserable-looking bouquet of flowers and hands them to Triclyde.

-Fryguy: They're the flowers of the tobacco plant....

-"Trashika": Oh, how lovely, thank you! Hmm, wait, I have no arms, how to take these flowers...Here, hang on...

Righty then pops out of Clyde's buste and takes the flowers in his mouth.

-Righty: Thanks, mate.

Righty then brings the flowers to the level of Clyde's middle face, who sniffs their scent and smiles.

-"Trashika": How lovely, that sweet smell of tobacco...

-Fryguy: Oh.....oh _my god!_

Suddenly, a strong wind rises, and a thick shower of petals blows over the scene. Fryguy struggles amidst this storm of petals

-Fryguy: Eek! Scary! What's happening?! Miss Trashika??

Suddenly, the petal rain stops, and Fryguy finds himself in a dark room, with "Trashika" standing in front of him.

-Fryguy: M....miss Trashika?

At those words, the proper, non-transvestised Triclyde appears behind Fryguy. Lefty and Righty enlace Fryguy, like a pair of arms. Clyde's middle head grins slyly and moves closer to Fryguy's face...

-Clyde: I'm right here, Fryboy. Now, you were saying something about a hot flash?

-Fryguy: N...no! Go away! What are you doing? Let go of me!

-Righty: Go on now, Fryguy, don't fight it....

-Lefty: No use being in the closet about it. You know this is what you want.

-Fryguy: Nooo! I'm scared! Stop this!

-Clyde: Hmm, you're just so cute when you struggle. Now, come to papa.....

Clyde's three heads the open their mouths wide and hurl themselves at a screaming Fryguy, with their exaggeratedly huge and pointy teeth glistening in the dark. It's at that point that Fryguy awakens from this twisted dream, screaming like a maniac. Breathing heavily, he looks around for a while and switches on the lights.

-Fryguy: No way....that dream again...it was so scary...what should I do? I...*sob* I don't know what to *sniff* do anymore! Mmh...Mwaaaaahh! Boohoowaaahahahaaaaa! 

Fryguy's miserable wailing can be heard all through Koopa's castle. Koopa himself is standing on a balcony, dressed in a see-through pale pink nightgown (with black lace lingerie clearly showing underneath). The princess is standing next to him, and she comments on Fryguy's loud blubbing:

-Princess: Oh, that's just great. We finally get some time together, and the nicotine nitwit has a freak attack. As if it isn't bad enough having to worry about Mario who could interrupt us any minute! Arrrgh, if only we could kill that bastard Mario!

-Koopa: Heh heh....on that subject, my dear, I think I've found the perfect solution.

-Princess: And that would be...?

Koopa then points his left arm up towards the star-lit night sky and adds these words to his theatrical gesture.

-Koopa: We are escaping into space!

Cut to a shot outside of Koopa's castle, the next morning. A large landing pad has been built, upon which an unusual kind of spaceship is placed. The ship is shaped exactly like a giant foot, and Koopa and the princess are standing in front of it.

-Koopa: Well, how do you like it, hot momma? I call it the Mighty Footsie!

-Princess: Hmm, a spaceship that looks like a foot....It's very you, my ugly rancid major good-for-nothing.

-Koopa: But it gets better, babe. See, the Mighty Footsie's equipped with a highly dangerous particle beam plasma nuclear overdrive murder death mayhem cannon. Once we're in orbit around the planet, we'll use the cannon to blast the entire continent and roast Mario and all those other maniacs! They won't even know what hit them!

-Princess: Brilliant! They've got no chance this time! Ahh, Koopa, you think of everything, my smelly horrible bastard. Mmmh, you remind me of a rancid sewer exhaust pipe, with all the dirty water and crap running out of it, that's how much I hate you, my putrid horse's bum.

-Koopa: Ohhh, baby, you're going so hard on me.

Zoom around the foot-shaped spaceship and zoom in to a shot of Trashika, who had been spying on this scene from behind some fuel barrels, and grins slyly. Fade out and cut to a shot of Triclyde in his quarters, in front of a computer. Lefty and Righty have gotten out his bra. Lefty is holding the pink Trashika wig in his jaws while Righty is operating the PC's mouse. The blue flicker of the screen reflects on Triclyde's faces, as a blueprint image of the Mighty Footsie appears on the screen.

-Triclyde: Well, well, it looks like we'll get our next chance at universal domination sooner than expected, boys. We'll hijack the Mighty Footsie, and with it's firepower in our grasp, the whole planet will be at my mercy! Mu wu ha ha ha haaa!!

-Lefty: Oh, so does that mean no more of this Trashika business?

-Righty: Aww, bummer, it was so nice'n cosy in that bra with you, Lefty.

-Lefty: Don't you ever lay off?

Cut to a shot of Fryguy, walking through the castle halls. Zoom in to his very worried face. He has a short flashback to when Trashika's wig fell off in the last episode. He swallows and then enters the Koopa Kafé bar, where he sees Mouser, looking half-asleep amids empty bottles of heavy alcohol. Fryguy takes a seat next to him.

-Fryguy: Uh...hi.

-Mouser: Shaddup.

-Fryguy:...So, uhm...Trashika's not around?

-Mouser: Thank heavens she's not. Having to see that stupid cow's ugly tarty face first thing in the morning doesn't really lift one's spirits. Pass the whiskey, willya?

Fryguy hands Mouser a nearby bottle that reads "cheapo booze", and he begins to gulp down it's contents. A short silence follows.

-Fryguy: Uhm...Mouser?

-Mouser: *glups* Yeah, what?

Another silence follows, while Mouser continues to empty the bottle into himself. Fryguy then finally summons all his courage and pronounces this phrase:

-Fryguy: What's it like, shagging a guy?

-Mouser: Pfouaaaahhh!!

So overcome by surprise at the sound of this stupid question is Mouser that he spits out the booze all over the place. After he digested the shock, making some coughing and gagging noises, he angrily turns to Fryguy.

-Mouser: What in hell are you playing at?! If this is some kind of joke, you'll regret it, Pall-Mall punkie! 

-Fryguy: Shrieeek! No, you're scaring meee! 

-Mouser: If you think that's funny, you little twerp, then you've got another thing coming! Grrrr, why I oughtta.....

But at that point, a siren begins to beep and red lights start to flash all over the place. A speaker system begins to belt out this message:

-"Emergency! Emergency! The Mighty Footsie is under attack on the launch pad! All troops to battle stations! Your orders are to defend the ship and insure it's safe take-off!"-

-Mouser: Mighty Footsie? What on earth are they talking about?

-Fryguy: Don't you know? They told us about it in our last mission briefing. 

-Mouser: Yes, well, I was out with a hangover at that time, I didn't follow.

-Fryguy: Well, it's a spaceship that Lord Koopa built, and he wants to go into space with that princess Toadstool, to finally get away from Mario.

-Mouser: Say _what?!!_

Cut to a shot of Mario and the others running towards the launchpad of the Mighty Footsie. Several Koopa Troopas come rushing towards them, shouting like maniacs.

-Mario: Hah, those suckers think they can stand in my way? I'll show them how wrong they are, with my new technique!

Mario then picks up Toad and tosses him into the air. He then grabs Luigi and uses his brother like a baseball bat to knock Toad towards the oncoming enemies, as a deadly projectile. Several Troopas are knocked out by this sudden offense.

-Mario: Ha ha ha ha! That's the deadly sibling-sidekick home run strike combo attack! In yer face! I won't let Koopa kidnap the princess and take her into space!

Cut to a shot of Koopa and the princess in the control room of the spaceship. They're observing the fight outside on the launchpad on a big monitor. Koopa is wearing a Sailor Galaxia costume.

-Princess: Oh, that's just brilliant. Here we are, mere minutes away from launch, and the tubby posse chooses this exact moment to attack! Can't we speed this thing's take-off up a bit, Koopa-honeybuns?

-Koopa: I'm trying, but the ship's not up to full power yet. It'll still take a few minutes until the generator's running at full whack. But we should be able to hold them off long enough. Everything's fine, I assure you, and my costume is perfect for going into space!

-Princess: How true, that plaid metal skirt fits your cute butt very well. Hey, if we're lucky, we can roast them alive with the ship's exhaust blast when we take off!

-Koopa: That's worth a shot, yes.

Koopa then grabs a microphone from the control panel and begins to bark into it.

-Koopa: Allright, status report! How long can we hold Mario and his freaks off?!

An image of Fryguy appears on the monitor with a very distressed look.

-Fryguy: Muh....milord, Koopa Galaxia, it's scary! Mario's mowing down our troops by using his stupid brother as a twisted weapon! I don't think we can hold him off much longer! I'm so scaaared!

-Koopa: Can't you send Mouser in against him? That should slow him down.

-Fryguy: Oh...uhm, well, you see.....

-Koopa: Well, what? 

-Fryguy: About Mouser, he's not here. He uhm....he said he had a....a hangover and had to puke, so he didn't come.

-Koopa: Really? That's not at all like him.... Well, look, let Mario come a little closer to the ship and keep him there. It's up to you and Trashika to make sure he gets near the ship, but not -inside-, got that?

-Fryguy: Uhm, yes. But milord, Trashika isn't here either. I haven't seen her all morning.

-Koopa: Trashika goes off as well? Oh well, makes no difference. She's rubbish. Lord know why we hired that person in the first place. Well, don't mess up, okay?

Cut to a shot of Fryguy standing outside the spaceship, heading a pack of Koopa nasties.

-Fryguy: Easy for him to say, I'm so scared! Oh my god, Mario is coming!

-Mario: Wuah ha ha ha ha! Time for a super knuckle sandwich, king of the wimps! 

-Fryguy: Kyaaah! No! Koopa idiots, attack him!

However, no-one responds to Fryguy's command. He slowly turns around to see that Yoshi has already eaten the entire batallion of soldiers he was just leading. A lone little Goomba is lying on the floor, half-dead and still mutters these words:

-Dying Goomba: Sorry, sir, but we're all dead.

-Fryguy: Gasp! No way, what should I do?! 

-Mario: What you should do is be grateful that I'll make it swift and painless. I have no time to lose, I have to stop that freaky spaceship's take-off. Now prepare to die!

-Fryguy: Eeeek! Nooo, I'm so scaaaared! Run away mooove!

Fryguy darts off at full speed, just as Mario is about to strike him with Luigi. Mario misses his attack and ends up slamming Luigi against the ground with a painful "crash" noise. Fryguy runs away in panic, not quite looking where he's going. He runs into an entrance door of the Mighty Footsie, just as it's about to close. The door then closes behind him, he crashes into a wall and passes out. Mario and the others have also made it into the ship. Using Luigi as a crowbar, they've wrenched away one of the entrance doors. They've then plastered Luigi over the gaping hole left by the wrenched-off door, as a patch-up. 

-Mario: Right, now to get the princess out of here before this thing lifts off....

But then, the ship's speaker systems transmit the following message:

-"Ten seconds to take-off. 10...uhm....uh...oh yes, 9....8"-

-Everyone: Oh heck!! 

Cut to a shot of Koopa and the princess, seated behind the control panel, while the countdown continues

-"7...6...5...4"-

-Koopa: Don't forget to strap on your safety belts and arm supports, babe.

-Princess: Fine with me, I just don't get why there's a pair of kinky shackles on our chair's arm supports...Oh wait, I do get it.

-Koopa: Well, in any case Mario has failed to stop us. We're off into space allright.

Cut to a shot of Fryguy, who has just regained consciousness and is looking around him.

-Fryguy: Where is this...Oh, I'm in the spaceship?

-"3....2....1..._lift-off!!_"

The spaceship then begins to rumble and blasts off, which terribly frightens Fryguy. He screams his head off, as he gets squashed flat against the ground by the high pressure of the ship's departure. Cut back to Koopa and the princess, who are also under the effect of the blast-off's extreme pressure.

-Princess: Guh.....there goes my make-up....there goes lunch....

-Koopa: Actually, this feels kinda good...Ah, it's calming down. We made it, we're in space!

The pressure has died down now, as they are now in orbit. A view of the planet below them appears on the control room monitor.

-Koopa: And now, we need to position the cannon's aim so that it'll obliterate the right parts of the planet. The blast radius must be directed so that it eliminates the continent on which I had built the landing pad. After all, that's where Mario still is as of now.

-Princess: Oooh, I was waiting for this! And as a bonus, the cannon's so destructive that it'll also destroy a large part of that continent and kill zillions of innocent inhabitants with one big bang! Ha ha ha ha ha! Now -that- is funny! 

-Koopa: Wow, when you do that me-so-psycho routine, you look hot!

-Princess: Down boy, tiger, down. We'll get to the flirty routine later, let's gorge ourselves on massive destruction for now!

But just as the destructive duo reaches for the cannon's controls in front of them, the door to the control room slams open and Mario strides in, with Yoshi and Toad.

-Mario: Hold it right there!

-Princess: Aww, _man_, does Mario have a crap sense of timing or what?

-Koopa: Fear not, my sweet, I have prepared for this eventuality. My posse of Koopa flunkies will deal with him! Forward, numb-skulled Koopa slaves! Kick Mario's teeth in!

With those words, several doors slide open around Mario, and a flood of Koopa nasties rushes in and relentlessly attacks him. Short fast-forward scene of the Koopa baddies hurling themselves at Mario en masse, squeaking with sadistic joy. While this chaotic scene takes place, the camera zooms out and cuts to a shot of Mouser, who is hiding in the spaceship's air venting pipe system. He's crawling through the long airshaft pipes, with an annoyed expression on his face.

-Mouser: Oh, gimme a break, why does every spaceship have such long air venting pipes in it?! Okay, so they make a good place to hide as a stowaway, if you want to sneak on board a ship without anyone noticing, which is just what I did, only it happened offscreen because it was too expensive to animate...Man, now I'm talking to myself. These damned airvents are driving me nuts! I've got a boyfriend to save from the clutches of a warped bimbo freak, I need to get out of here! And of course, there's no hatch or exit grille when you need one! Very well then, I'll make my own exit! Hyaaah!

Angered, he punches a hole into the pipe he was crawling around in and uses this as a improvised exit route. He finds himself in a storage chamber, filled with boxes that read "XTC, do not touch. Warning: risk of overdose".

-Mouser: Right, now I need to get to Lord Koopa, pronto!

Cut back to Mario, who has by now obliterated all the Koopa baddies that were thrown at him. Yoshi and Toad have also passed out and are lying among the heaps of bruised and battered flunkies.

-Koopa: No way! All of my troops were beaten?! 

-Mario: Koopa, haven't you grasped it yet? Every time an overly huge mass of minor nasties is chucked at me, I somehow thrash them after all! It may not be logical, it may be odd that it always happens offscreen, it may not be physically possible in real life, but hey, if that's what the writer's say happens, then that's what happens.

-Koopa: What are we going to do now?! The scenario's debility is not operating in our favor!

-Mario: And now, it's time for the part where I beat you up, save the princess, and end the episode with a dumb pun.

-Koopa: Oh, not again, pleeease! Anything but the dumb pun!

-Princess: Damn, we were -so- close! 

-Mario: No use fighting it, Koopa, it's the way the wheel of repetitive and uninventive episode formulas turns, there's no escaping it...

But at that point, a door slides open behind Mario, and an injection needle is inserted into the left side of Mario's bum.

-Mario: Yeeouch! What the...?!

Angered, Mario turns around and finds himself face-to-face with Triclyde. Lefty is holding an empty injection needle between his teeth and gins nastily.

-Lefty: That needle contained a high-power hallucinogen. I picked it up from a box in a storage chamber.

-Mario: You...Trampclyde...I'll....oooh, look at the sheep...pretty little sheep...

Mario then faints, with a woozy expression on his face.

-Triclyde: Good, looks like that dodgy hallucinogen injection really works. How fortunate that Koopa packed this spaceship full of intoxicating materials, for a reason which we can probably all guess.

-Koopa: Good work, Triclyde! You've proven yourself worthy of being a Koopa minion!

-Triclyde: That's what you think. I never said I was on your side. 

Camera then zooms in on Righty, who is holding a gun between his lips, pointed at Koopa and the princess.

-Triclyde: Now you two will do as I say. And I say die!

Righty is just about to squeeze the trigger, when a voice cuts into this scene.

-Mouser: Not another move, Clyde!

Camera zooms out and reveals that Mouser is standing behind Triclyde, with a machine gun pointed at him.

-Triclyde: Oh, it's you again...

-Mouser: Ever since you rebelled against lord Koopa, you're on my black list, right behind that ugly princess Toadstool. Everyone who is an enemy of lord Koopa, or an obstacle to my happiness with him must die, period! Nothing, and I do mean nothing in the whole world will keep me away from my beloved! The power of love is a furious and intense force! And after I'm through with you, the cheapo princess will be next!

-Triclyde: Well, maybe not. Koopa and the princess have sneaked away while you were having your monologue.

-Mouser: Gasp!

Camera zooms out to show that Koopa and the princess are well and truly gone. Cut to a shot of Koopa and the princess installed in one of the ship's escape pods.

-Koopa: Things are getting too risky on board this ship, we must get out of here!

-Princess: We never even got to blow up the planet...what a bummer...

Koopa then presses the escape pod's "launch" button, and the thing is shot out of the Mighty Footsie, after which it hurtles down towards the planet. The escape pod then lands in a desert, and Koopa and the princess pop out of the vessel.

-Princess: Now where in hell are we?! We must be miles and miles away from the Mushroom kingdom! What a rip-off!

Cut back to Mouser and Triclyde in the spaceship. Mouser looks most displeased at Triclyde.

-Mouser: You arse! You moron! Now you've done it!

-Triclyde: What, so now it's my fault?!

-Mouser: Damn right it is! That disgusting princess escaped, and she took my lord Koopa with her! Arrrgh! Dammitohell! But they won't get away with it, oh no they won't!

-Triclyde: Uhm...not sure if I want to know this, but what are you planning exactly?

-Mouser: They must've taken an escape pod and returned to the planet with that. Let's see....

Mouser then checks a few monitor displays, and then looks up, even more angered.

-Mouser: Yes, the computer confirms that one of the Mighty Footsie's escape pods has just evacuated. Which means that she must have reached the planet by now and have her filthy paws all over my man! Well, I won't allow it! She'll get a surprise from this!

-Triclyde: Wait, what are you doing?!

-Mouser: I'll use the Mighty Footsie's on-board cannon at full blast and blow up the entire goddamn planet!!

-Triclyde: What?! You're crazy!

Triclyde rushes towards Mouser, intent on stopping him, but Mouser just takes out a grenade launcher and aims it at Clyde's face, which stops him dead in his tracks.

-Triclyde: Oops...

-Mouser: Don't try to stop me. That tramp is messing with my lord Koopa, which means that se must die, and the entire planet with her, if that's what it takes!

-Triclyde: But you'll also kill Koopa if you do that.

-Mouser: Oh, shut up! I've had it up to here! I can't take it anymore, I just want to wreck everything, dammit! And I'll start by blowing off your dumb face so that you finally shut yer trap!

-Triclyde: But if you fire a grenade launcher in here, you'll blow a huge hole in the ship's hull and we'll all suffocate.

-Mouser: Bullocks! Our scenario writers are too dumb to understand how gravity works, and they never got that bit about not being able to breathe in space either! Now stop contradicting me!

-Triclyde: Now you just know that what you're doing makes no sense and that you should....

However, at that point, Mario interferes. He has stumbled back on his feet and is swaying around the room, apparently still in trance from the drug that Clyde injected into his bum.

-Mario: Ooohh, look at the little sheep...all those pretty little sheep....

-Mouser: What in the world is he talking about?

-Triclyde: Looks like that drug works a little -too- well.

Swaying and stumbling around, Mario ends up stepping on the hand of the unconscious Toad.

-Toad: Yeeeooowww! That hurts! Mario, you swine!

-Mario: Sheep, so many sheep....look at all those sheep....

Yoshi gradually awakens as well at this point.

-Yoshi: Mmmhh...what's all the yelling about? And did someone just mention sheep? I feel like lamb chops! Tasty!

-Mario: Oohhh, over there, look! It's a giant red sheep!

Mario then begins to stumble towards a big red button on a wall behind him. A sign above this red button reads:

-"**Self-destruct switch. Paws off!**"-

-Triclyde: Yikes! He's going to press the self-destruct button!

-Mario: Big red sheeep, come to meee.....

Before anyone can stop him, Mario places his hands on the self-destruct button, assuming in his drugged trance that it's an attractive large red sheep. The button is then pressed down, and red lights immediately begin to flash. The speaker system belts out an urgent message.

-"Warning- self-destruct mechanism activated. We're going to blow up in just a jiffy. Wee, bang, bang! If you don't want to get killed, you boring person, you can always make a sprint for the escape pods. See ya!"-

-Toad: To the escape pods, and fast!

Toad and Yoshi then run away and drag the still-dazed Mario with them. The three hop into an escape pod and blast off. Two more escape pods remain. Triclyde jumps into one of them and escapes the soon-to-explode ship. Cut to a shot of Triclyde inside the escape pod.

-Triclyde: Okay, so I messed up this time, but I'll get another chance to conquer the Koopa empire, I'm sure of it!

-Lefty: Does this mean we must go back to posing as Trashika?

-Triclyde: I'm afraid so, yes....

-Righty: Oh, goodie!

Cut back to a shot inside the Mighty Footsie. Mouser boards the last pod, but just when the door to his escape pod is about to close, a high-pitched voice is heard, and Fryguy comes running towards the pod, in panic.

-Fryguy: Wait for meeee! Don't leave me here, I'm so scaaaaared! Eeeeek!!

He jumps into the escape pod, out of breath and drenched in sweat.

-Fryguy: Hurry, start this thing and get us out of here!

-Mouser: Right away! I'm going back to the planet to kill that stupid princess and make lord Koopa mine! Lift-off!

The last escape pod is then launched as well. As the the three pods drift down towards the planet, the Mighty Footsie explodes loudly. Cut to a shot inside Mario and co's escape pod. Mario has fallen asleep and mumbles a bit.

-Mario: Zzz....all those sheep have exploded....oooh, exploding sheep......sheep go boom-boom....

-Toad: Well, we got out of that spaceship safely, but...somehow, I get the feeling that we forgot something.

-Yoshi: Really? That's strange, I don't see what you're talking about at all.

-Toad: Nah, it's probably nothing important *dumb grin*.

Cut to a shot of a fazed-looking Luigi, who is drifting motionless through space with some debris of the Mighty Footsie. Sound of crows cawing in the background. Fade out.


	10. Episode 10: Welcome to Suicide Mountain!

-Mario: Okay, listen. Sit down, relax...I've got something to tell you, and you're not going to like it. See, basically, it's the Super Mario Brothers' Freaky Show. Lord knows I tried to stop it....

**Episode 10: Welcome to Suicide Mountain!**

"Plumber's log, number somethingorother. Something pretty decent actually happened. The princess decided to take us on a winter sports vacation, to Suicide Mountain. Okay, so the facility's rubbish, but she's paying, so might as well make the most of it, right?"

Fade in to a shot of a snow-covered mountain resort. Mario and co are standing on top of the mountain, looking out over the clear blue sky.

-Toad: This place sure has a lot of snow...

-Mario: It's pretty groovy! I've never seen so much white powder gathered together in my life! Like, totally funky!

-Princess: But Mario, that's snow.

-Mario: Ah, I see. So, how do you sniff this snow stuff? Or do you inject it?

-Princess: *sigh* Never mind....

-Toad: It's pretty cool of you to treat us to a ski vacation, princess. And I thought you were a greedy cow...

-Princess: Oh well, that's what friends are for, right? I figured we could use a slight vacation. Now, you boys stay here and wait while I go and rent the skis and snowboards. I'll be right back.

The princess then heads towards a ski shoppe in the distance. Cut to a shot inside this ski boutique. The counter is manned by a Shy-guy, who addresses the princess in these words as she enters.

-Shy-guy: Ah, there you are, finally! Lord Koopa has been growing impatient! 

-Princess: Yes, well, everything is in place. Our victims have arrived. Get me through to Koopa.

-Shy-guy: Right away!

The Shy-guy then hands her a walkie-talkie, and she speaks these words into the device:

-Princess: I'm back, luvverboy. Is my ugly bloated puddle of swine's drool receiving me?

Koopa's voice is then heard from the device:

-Koopa: Oh wow, a dirty phonecall! Yeah, I read you loud and clear, hot stuff! So, how's the plan going?

-Princess: Everything's running smoothly. Mario and co are here, they don't suspect a thing. I lured them out here with a stupid story about taking them on a vacation. The suckers! If only they knew what we have planned for them! Huwaaa ha ha ha ha! They'll never survive! 

-Koopa: That's for sure! I have all my men standing by, the mountain is littered with lethal booby traps. They'll ski right into their graves!

-Princess: Perfect! The entire mountain is one big deathtrap, as soon as I get Mario onto a pair of skis, he'll be as good as dead! Once Mario is finally killed, no-one will ever interrupt us anymore! Just make sure that your flunkies don't mess up!

-Koopa: Count on it, foxy babe! Over and out.

Screen then switches to a shot of Koopa who has just switched off his walkie-talkie. He's dressed in a long mink fur coat, with his bare feet sticking out underneath. He then sits down in a folding chair and turns to two Flurries who are timidly standing in front of him. The Flurries are dressed in tight black leather corsets with high-heeled black leather boots and chains around their ankles. And they're looking pretty embarrassed.

-Flurry #1: Did he have to make us wear these costumes?

-Flurry #2: He probably gets off on that sort of thing.

-Flurry #1: He gets off on damn near -anything-.

-Koopa: Stop yakking, you two, and get to work! I want my feet licked, slaves!

-Flurry #2: Okay, let's go, then.

The Flurries then doggedly drag themselves over to Koopa who has pointed his feet forward, and they begin to slobber all over said feet.

-Koopa: Mmmmh, a bit lower...ahh, that's the spot, right there, oohhhh, yes.....

Switch to a shot of the princess, who is dragging a set of skis and snowboards towards Toad and Yoshi.

-Princess: There we are, I got the equipment, we're all ready to go now. But, where did Mario go?

-Toad: He got tired of waiting, so he started to snowboard down the mountain by himself.

-Princess: But that makes no sense! How can he possibly snowboard down a mountain without a snowboard?

-Toad: He's using Luigi as a board.

-Princess: Dohhh! I should've known...

Cut to a rapid shot of Mario sliding down the mountain, using Luigi as a board.

-Mario: Weee! This is fun! And now, a double rolling jump! Yahoo!

Mario jumps into the air and pulls off a few fancy stunt moves.

-Mario: Yeah, check it out! A triple forward board nose grab! A sideways deluxe cha-cha-cha board twist! And an extra-groovy Sardine Sandwich Special Spin! I'm the king of the slopes!

Mario then lands his "board" on a surface of painful, rock-hard ice. A loud crunching noise is heard as Luigi comes crashing down hard on the ice and continues to slide, leaving a trail of gory chunks behind. Cut back to a shot of the princess with Toad and Yoshi.

-Princess: *thinking to herself* Bummer, man. I wanted to get Mario onto a special exploding snowboard which would blow up at the merest impact. But oh well, he's sliding down the mountain, Koopa's boys should get the better of him yet.

In the meantime, Toad has straddled himself onto a snowboard and prepares to slide off.

-Toad: Here I go! Watch this, guys, I'm the most funky Magic Mushroom to hit the white powdery stuff!

Toad then begins to rush down the mountain, but his board touches the side of a small rock, and it immediately explodes. A black-burned Toad is left lying in the snow.

-Princess: Oh, so that's where the special exploding snowboard went.

-Yoshi: Hmmm, these snowboards look pretty tasty...

-Princess: No, Yoshi you mustn't!

But it's already too late; Yoshi shoves a snowboard into his own mouth, and the snowboard promptly explodes right in his face. He stands there for a while with a black-burned face on which an expression of surprise and disbelief appears. Toad then comes crawling back to Yoshi and the princess.

-Toad: Oh man, that sure is freakish! Princess, that guy at the ski shoppe gave you exploding snowboards!

-Yoshi: It's the first time a snack fights back.... 

-Toad: Well, I'm going to that ski shop to give that stupid salesman and his naff sense of humour a piece of my mind!

Toad then begins to pace towards the ski cabin, which causes the princess to panic lightly.

-Princess: *to herself* This is bad. If he goes in there and sees that the place is run by Koopa's servants, he could begin to suspect our plan! I've got to do something!

She then picks up two skis, and with a totally apathetic expression, she flings them in Toad's direction.

-Princess:*total monotone* Oh yikes, clumsy me, those skis flew right outta my hand.

The flying skis hit Toad in the back of the head, causing him to pass out just in front of the ski cabin.

-Yoshi: Yeesh, be a little careful, princess. You could've killed him. I know that flinging blunt objects around is buckets of fun, but still, don't do it too often.

-Princess: Allright, I promise that I won't knock people out anymore by throwing skis at them. Now look over there, there's a hotdog stand!

-Yoshi: Where? Where?!

Yoshi turns around in search of a hotdog stand, but finds no such thing since the princess has told him a blatant lie. While he has his back turned, the princess picks up another pair of skis and smacks Yoshi over the head with them. Such is the impact of the blow that the skis break in two and Yoshi falls flat on the ground, unconscious.

-Princess: See, I didn't -throw- those skis. Now to shut these two up for a -long- time. I musn't take any chance of my affair with Koopa leaking out!

She then forcefully kicks Toad and Yoshi in their bums, which sends them hurtling down the mountain slope. As they roll down the mountain, they gradually turn into big, rolling snowballs....

-Princess: There, good riddance! Ahhh ha ha ha haa! It's so much fun to be sneaky, violent and cruel and to commit acts of petty sadism, without anyone suspecting a thing! I love being eeevil!

Zoom out while the princess' manic laugh is heard. Fade out and cut to a shot of Mouser, dressed in a bomber jacket and snug leather leggings. He's standing inside a surveillance tower from which he can overlook part of the mountain. His mission is to keep a look out for Mario and activate the deathtraps once Mario is in range, but he doesn't like this one bit.

-Mouser: Awww, man, it's -freezing- here, jeezus....brrr, I shouldn't wear tight leather trousers in such cold conditions. *sigh* If only I could be huddled in Lord Koopa's strong arms, to bask in the warm glow of his huge pecs....ahhh *big blush*.

But Mouser's dirty daydream is then interrupted by the sound of Mario's voice. From the windows of the surveillance post, Mario can clearly be seen, sliding past on Luigi.

-Mario: Weee! Turbo speed! To heck with golf and tennis, from now on, snowboard is my fave sport! Weeyahooo! 

Mouser has picked up an intercom, into which he speaks these words:

-Mouser: This is Alpha-Gamma-Lollipop speaking. The target has been sighted and is nearing the first deathtrap. Standing by for your orders.

For the intercom, Koopa's voice can be heard, replying in these terms:

-Koopa: Alpha-Gamma-Lollipop, I only have one order to give you; kill! Fire at will, murder Mario with whatever means you have at your disposal!

-Mouser: Understood! Alpha-Gamma-Lollipop, over and out!

He then tosses the intercom away and turns to a large control panel in the surveillance post.

-Mouser: Lord Koopa is counting on me! I will do just as his sexy voice has commanded! Full power! Fire all gun turrets!

Cut back to Mario, who is still gleefully rushing down the mountain on his improvised board. Suddenly, the ground begins to rumble and a large number of gun turrets pop up from the snow.

-Mario: What the....?

Before Mario can react, the turrets begin to fire Bullet Bills in every direction, which causes Mario to panic.

-Mario: Whoaaa! Holy smoke!

Mario begins to zig-zag around and perform daring escape maneuvers to stay away from the bullets that are exploding around him left, right and center.

-Mario: This is no good, there are too many of them! I've got to get out of here, somehow. Very well then, here goes! Speed up!

Mario the crouches down, thus causing his "board" to dig deeper into the snow and slide off at twice it's original speed. With this boost, he manages to escape all the gun turrets unscratched and breathes a sigh of relief. Cut back to Mouser who has been watching this whole scene on a monitor and is most displeased. So much in fact that he has crushed several parts of the control panel with his bare hands.

-Mouser: Ohhh, crap! He's using a special kind of snowboard! I didn't expect him to survive the gun turret range. But Lord Koopa told me to kill him with whatever means I have, and that's just what I'll do! I'm going after him myself!

He then jumps out of the control tower and overlooks the mountain slope for a while.

-Mouser: Now, I need something I can use as a board....

But at that point, Yoshi and Toad, who have by now become two giant, rolling snowballs come rumbling past and squash Mouser flat into the snow. He rapidly rises to feet again, looking even more enraged.

-Mouser: And those two snowballs will die as well! Hurrrrrgh!

He then rips a nearby tree out of the ground and flings it down the slope. As the tree trunk begins to slide down the mountain, he jumps onto it and uses this as a snowboard to chase his targets. 

-Mouser: They won't get away with this! No-one messes with me and lives! Groarrrrrgh!

Cut to a shot of Koopa who's barking into a walkie-talkie. The Flurries meanwhile are lying on the ground, out of breath.

-Koopa: Oi, Alpha-Gamma-Lollipop, come in, willya?! Yo, anyone there? Ooh, traggots, he's not responding anymore. Oh well, on to plan B, then.

He turns to his walkie again and speaks these words into it:

-Koopa: Calling Delta-Tango-Boxershort, come in Delta-Tango-Boxershort....

From Koopa's device, a crackling noise is heard, followed by Fryguy's voice, timidly pronouncing this phrase.

-Fryguy: Delta-Tango-Boxershort here...muh, milord, I'm scared! This mountain is way too high and cold and scaaary!

-Koopa: Oh, stop being such a whiner! This is no time for twerpiness, you need to come into action now!

-Fryguy: But I'm too scaaared! 

-Koopa: Listen, you've got a job to do! We have reason to believe that Mario has survived the gun turret range (after all, Mouser has a tendency for messing up hopelessly) so, it's up to you now! You need to enact plan B! And don't you dare mess up! Over and out, and I hope that's clear!

Cut to a shot of Fryguy, standing in the snow. His walkie has gone silent, and he's looking forlorn and panicky.

-Fryguy: Ohmigosh, ohmigosh, I really need to calm my nerves now! A one, a two...

He then takes a deep breath and stuffs a large number of cigarettes into his mouth, all of which he lights and smokes up in one big huff.

-Fryguy: Phewwww, much better. Okay, plan B...uhm, what was plan B again? Eek! Did I forget?! No way! What should I do if I forgot?! Oh yikes, oh yikes! I need to calm my nerves again! 

He repeats his multiple ciggie-slurping routine once more, after which a more relaxed expression appears on his face.

-Fryguy: Oh yeah, I remember now. Plan B is to blow up the thin icy bridge when Mario comes snowboarding over it. We've blocked up every other route down the mountain, meaning that Mario will -have- to cross the ice bridge at some point, and once he is crossing the bridge, it's up to me to bomb the bridge! 

He then looks over at a large Bob-omb lying in the snow next to him.

-Fryguy: That's why they gave me that big bomb, that's what I need to use to blow up the bridge when Mario's trying to cross it. Gosh, it sure looks scary. Right, I need to keep a look out for Mario.

He takes out a pair of binoculars and peers around the mountain, only to spot Mario coming at the thin ice bridge at dead-on speed.

-Fryguy: What the...?! Mario's here already?! Yikes! 

Cut to a shot of Mario on his Luigi-board. He's hurtling towards a gaping ice chasm with only a small icy bridge over it. The pits below are deep and filled with frosty spikes, but that doesn't bother Mario.

-Mario: Weeeee! And over the bridge we go! Yahoo!

Cut back to Fryguy who has picked up the large Bob-omb and prepares to toss it.

-Fryguy: Right, now it's time! It's up to me! First, I need to light this bomb.

He takes out a lighter and lights the bomb's fuse. Immediately, the fuse begins to fizz and sparkle right at Fryguy, who is terribly panicked by this.

-Fryguy: Yeeek! Yike! I need to throw it quickly! It's scary! Aiieee!

The fizzing bomb upsets Fryguy's nerves so badly that he hurriedly flings the scary object away from him, without aiming very precisely. Hence it goes flying right over the ice bridge and misses Mario, who continues to slide off into the distance. Cut to a shot at the bottom of the mountain, where the Shy-guy who was manning the ski shoppe has just taken the ski lift down and is glad to be back on firm ground again.

-Shy-guy: There, I did my part, now I can get off this mountain. That's a job well done, yup, yup.

But then, a fizzing noise is heard and suddenly, the bomb that Fryguy has carelessly flung away comes hurtling through the sky right towards the hapless Shy-guy.

-Shy-guy: Aiiieee!

The bomb hits it's victim, and the Shy-guy is engulfed in a violent explosion. Cut back to Fryguy, who is looking most distressed.

-Fryguy: Oh no, I missed! I screwed up! But I couldn't help it, it was so scary!

At that point, a crackling noise is heard from Fryguy's walkie, and he curiously places his ear against the device, only to hear Koopa's voice bellowing these words at full blast from the walkie:

-"Idiooooot!!"-

-Fryguy: Eek! Milord, I'm so sorry! I got scared and messed up!

-Koopa: I can tell you did, you moron! Now do something, quickly!

-Fryguy: Okay! I'll send my most deadly servants after Mario, they'll finish him, I'm sure of it!

With a dramatic gesture, Fryguy then takes out the Kaleido Moon Smoke and three cigarettes, to whom he addressed these words:

-Fryguy: Louis de Funes, Isabelle Adjani and Yves Montand, I'm counting on you! I command you to go and murder Mario, by the power bestowed upon me through the legendary Kaleido Moon Smoke! Forward, Louis de Funes, Isabelle Adajani and Yves Montand!

From the walkie, Koopa's voice is then heard, screaming in exasperated fury:

-Koopa: You idiooot!! That's no good! You are hopeless! Now contact Zeta-Epsilon-Potato quickly, and tell her to stand by! Over and out!

-Fryguy: Uh...yes! But...Zeta-Epsilon-Potato...that's Miss Trashika's post....

Cut to a shot of Triclyde, still transvestised as Trashika, shivering in the cold mountain snow.

-Triclyde: Ohhh, crap, what was I thinking of? I just -had- to wear a flimsy Laura Ashley spring dress in the freezing snow!

Lefty then pops out of the dress' buste and adds the following comment:

-Lefty: I told you we should've gone for MaxMara instead.

-Triclyde: Oi, it's not like I'm wearing a dress for fun! 

-Lefty: Really? I'm beginning to quite like it, frankly.

-Triclyde: I'm a man, I don't go around buying dresses on a regular basis!

Righty then joins the conversation as well.

-Righty: Lord Koopa's a man as well, but he goes about spending fortunes on high-heels, corsets, stockings, bikinis and leather gear all the time.

-Triclyde: Lord Koopa is not a normal man!

-Lefty: So, like, since when has anyone on this series ever been normal?

-Righty: In any case, it sucks that the only disguise we have is this flimsy dress, it's freezing in here.

-Lefty: See, that's why I think MaxMara is a better option.

-Righty: Yeah, right, you just want to wear that flamingo pink they do.

-Lefty: Well, don't you think it looks neat?

-Triclyde: Will you two put a lid on it?! Now seriously, we need to look for a way to overthrow Koopa and regain our posts as supreme rulers! And this is a perfect chance! The whole mountain is riddled with killer traps! Right here, we have a field of deadly remote mines, that we're supposed to activate when Mario comes by, but I have no intention of wasting such fine weaponry on him!

-Lefty: Oooh, does that mean we're going to have fun with remote mines on Koopa?

-Triclyde: Heh, you've guessed it quickly.

-Righty: Well, it's quick for Lefty's standards in any case....

At that moment, a walkie-talkie strapped around Righty's neck begins to crackle, and Fryguy's hesitant, trembling voice is heard.

-Fryguy: Uhm....hello? Zeta-Epsilon-Potato? Come in, please. Miss Trashika, are you there?

-Righty: Phonecall for you, Clyde.

-Triclyde: Oh, right.

Clyde then turns to the walkie, and faking his Trashika voice, he replies in these words:

-Triclyde: Well, hello there. This is lil' ol' Zeta-Epsilon-Potato, reading you loud and clear allrighty. What's cooking?

-Fryguy: Uhm...it's just that...well, I messed up. And now Mario's on his way to your post, to the final deathtrap. So you need to stand by and activate the remote mines when Mario arrives so that he's killed. 

-Triclyde: Oki-doki, that's just peachy. Zeta-Epsilon-Potato is standing by, over and out. Bye-bye!

Lefty then turns the Clyde and gives him a long stare.

-Lefty: You know, when you do that girly talk routine, Clyde, you're really very cute...

-Triclyde: You never lay off, do you?

Cut back to Fryguy, who is staring at his walkie. He mutters these words to himself:

-Fryguy:...Trashika....I've...ever since I first saw her, I had...I hhhhad a hhhot flasssh forrr her, but.....but then she...when her wig fell off...she's a guy...she's Triclyde, so....so does that mean that I hhhave a hhhot fllllash for...Triclyde? Or for Trashika? But Trashika -is- Triclyde and I am....What the hell does that make meeee? What should I do??

Cut to a shot of Triclyde. Fryguy's ramblings can be heard clearly from the walkie around Righty's neck. Clyde and Lefty are listening with disturbed and amused looks on their faces respectively as Fryguy's monologue continues in these words:

-Fryguy: So if Trashika and Triclyde are one and the same do I....does that make me....?? Waaah, I hate it! Booohoohoo!

Righty then switches off the walkie and turns to the two other heads.

-Righty: I suppose we're lucky that Fryguy is the only person in the world who's dumb enough to leave a walkie on while he's having a little me-so-in-the-closet monologue.

-Lefty: Hmmm, Fryguy, he's really very cute....

-Triclyde: You'll go for just about anyone, won't you?

-Righty: But guys, seriously, what should we do? Fryguy knows our secret, our whole operation could be endangered!

-Triclyde: Yes, that's a serious point...

-Lefty: But he's such a doofus, he's too scared to go spill the beans. I don't think we're in deep trouble.

-Triclyde: Probably, but we musn't take any chances. No, we must nip this in the bud swiftly. Before Fryguy leaks out any info, we'll have to shut him up....And I mean shut him up forever!

-Lefty: Can't we play with him a little before we kill him?

-Triclyde: For the last time; no. He's up there, alone and vulnerable in the snow, we should take this opportunity. Get out the ice picks, boys, we're going to commit a sneaky murder...and it won't be the last one. Nee hee hee....

-Lefty: Mmmmh, when you do your sneaky psycho routine, you're pretty hot as well Clyde...

-Triclyde: Shaddup.

Lefty and Righty then both take long, sharp ice picks in their mouths, and Clyde then sneaks off. After a few seconds of silence, Mario comes sliding past, totally unharmed by the remote mines that Clyde never even activated. Cut to Mario, who continues to get major sadist kicks from sliding down the mountain at full pelt, when suddenly, loud rumbles are heard. Worried, Mario looks around to see two huge snowballs, with the heads of Yoshi and Toad sticking out of them rolling towards him.

-Mario: Erps! What are those two huge snowballs?! They'll crush me if I don't escape! Faster, snowboard, faster!

Nothing happens, so Mario begins to angrily slap his board/brother repeatedly.

-Mario: You imbecile, I said faster! Oh, knickers, he can't go any faster than this! At this rate, I'll be crushed by those snowballs! They're gaining on me! No waaay!

But as the snowballs menacingly close in on Mario, a loud crash is suddenly heard, and two cruise missiles come zooming through the air. The missiles blow up the menacing snowballs, and Yoshi and Toad are flung away into the distance by the explosions. Mario is now safe, but not for long, as Mouser then appears, sliding on the chopped-down tree trunk, with two smoking rocket launchers clenched in his fists.

-Mouser: No, it shall be me and only me who will kill you, Mario!

-Mario: Gasp! What the heck is that lunatic doing here?!

-Mouser: He's going to kill you, that's what! I obey Lord Koopa's orders, and his every lowly impulse as well (well, I want to), and he commands me to eliminate you! You shall now perish in a shower of steel and fire! Die!!

Mouser then immediately springs into action; with blood vessels swelling up and foam dripping from his jaws, he produces chainguns, uzi's, plasma blasters and magnums from lord knows where and sprays Mario with ammo a go-go. But Mario manages to avoid every onslaught by skillfully maneuvering around, which doesn't amuse Mouser.

-Mouser: Damn it! Stand still so I can murder you, you porky ponce! 

-Mario: Nyaaah! You're just too slow and clumsy! You can't aim to save your life! 

-Mouser: Who says I have to?! I have this as well!

Mouser then takes out a jumbo-sized bazooka and swings it over his shoulder, grinning manically.

-Mouser: Wuhuwahahahaaaa! No matter where I aim, the blast radius of this baby is so big it'll roast you alive! You'll die in gruesome agony! Hyaaahahahahaaa!!

-Mario: Yes, but if you fire that, the noise of the explosion will surely cause an avalanche, and it will kill everyone.

-Mouser: Bullocks! You're bluffing, and even if it was true, I don't care! Now go and rot in hell! 

There's no more stopping Mouser; he fires the giant bazooka, and the blast does indeed send both Mario and Mouser flying into the air. They both land in the snow, and Luigi comes hurtling from the sky as well in a few moments. The camera then zooms out to reveal that they've landed right next to Koopa's folding chair. Koopa has gotten up and is looking at the two newcomers with an apathetic expression on his face.

-Koopa: So Mario survived every single trap, and an encounter with Mouser? Looks like I'll have to do it myself...

Koopa takes a pistol from a pocket of his mink coat and aims it at Mario, who is slowly awakening and finds himself staring right at Koopa's gun.

-Koopa: Nighty-night, fat man.

But at that point, Mouser's voice cuts into this scene.

-Mouser: Milord...wait!

-Koopa: Huh?

Koopa looks around, and the camera shows a shot of Mouser, who has staggered back on his feet, even after taking the bazooka blast. He's covered in bruises and swaying on his feet, but he still mutters these words:

-Mouser: Please...let me be the one to kill Mario. Milord...I am your humble servant, it is...it's my duty and my pleasure to serve you in every way. Please let me finish my own job. I wouldn't want to think that I haven't carried out my duties to you properly, my Lord Koopa....

He then gasps a little and falls on his knees, but he refuses to pass out, despite suffering from the strong blast he took. Koopa thinks it over for a while.

-Koopa: Uhm...well, fine with me, go ahead and kill him. If you can manage, in your state.

-Mouser: Trust me, milord....

-Mario: Yeah well, not on yer life, matey! I'm outta here!

Mario then stretches out his arm and grasps Luigi, who was lying in the snow right next to him. With his last forces, he manages to hurl Luigi in Koopa's direction. Quick close-up of Koopa's shocked face as Luigi comes hurtling towards him.

-Mouser: No!!

Gathering all his last forces, Mouser then dashes towards Koopa and takes the blast instead of him. He gets hit on the head by Luigi and falls to the ground in front of Koopa with a muffled crash noise. Koopa is mildly concerned about this.

-Koopa: Eh, Mouser, you allright down there?

-Mouser: Uhnn.....

Mouser then quickly reaches into a pocket of his bomber jacket. A small portable cassette player is hidden inside this pocket. He presses the "play" button, and a piece of slow, sentimental music begins to play as he looks up to Koopa.

-Mouser: Milord....I....I'm....

-Koopa: Say what? What's the matter?

Koopa then kneels down and takes a closer look at Mouser. Mouser quickly takes an onion from his pocket and turns his head away. He rapidly sniffs up the odor of this onion, which causes some big tears to well up in his eyes. He then turns back to Koopa, who hasn't noticed a thing. With his eyes all watery, Mouser then begins to recite the following monologue:

-Mouser: I'm sorry, milord.....I had promised that...that I would protect you, forever, but...it looks like I've failed. I'm so sorry, but from now, you'll be left alone. But please...don't grieve for me, it's not worth it. I'm just...I'm happy to have met you. Thanks to you, my life has had a purpose. I'm glad that I can die for you, milord, for the one whom I have always...whom I always have and always will love....

-Koopa: Mouser....

At that point, the meddlesome Shy-guy pops up behind them and ruins the entire scene with this comment:

-Shy-guy: Oi, Mouser, you only got hit on the head with a Luigi. That's not going to kill you, stop being such a wuss.

A speech bubble with "??" pops up next to Koopa, while Mouser looks terribly cheesed off. He immediately jumps up and angrily looks at the Shy-guy.

-Mouser: You -idiot-, you've ruined everything! I was so close! You total imbecile! And just what are you doing here?! You were hit dead-on by a bomb, you're supposed to be dead!

-Shy-guy: No, no, this is a nice, clean, kiddie-safe show where we tactfully avoid any reference to death, religion or sexual intercourse (even if it screws up plot continuity) and thus keep everyone happy, giddy and protect innocent children's pure souls.

-Mouser: You must be thinking of the wrong show. This is a series full of limitless idiocy, petty sadism, gratuitous slapstick violence and rampant perversities.

-Shy-guy: All our previous series were full of rampant perversities, but no-one ever complained about that either...

-Mouser: Look, it doesn't matter! I hate you for ruining my phoney death scene! Rest assured that I will kill you!

He then takes out a shotgun and points it at the panicked Shy-guy, but Koopa then cuts into this scene:

-Koopa: Uhm, excuse me, but haven't you heard this strange noise? Like a loud, low rumble....?

-Mouser & Shy-guy: Huh?

A menacing rumbling noise can indeed be heard in the distance...Mario then adds his grain of salt

-Mario: I told you, by firing all those guns, Mouser will end up triggering off an avalanche, and it will kill us all....hang on, I'm beginning to sound like Luigi.

-Shy-guy: But he's right, an avalanche -is- coming! We need to get out of here!

-Koopa: We're really in it deep now!

Cut to a shot af Fryguy, who is standing forlornly on the snowy plain, with the rumbling noise getting closer and closer...

-Fryguy: Oh no, what's that sound? It's scary! What should I do?!

At that point, Triclyde pops up behind him, with two sharp, glistening ice picks clasped in Lefty and Righty's jaws.

-Righty: Are you sure that brutally hacking him up with ice picks is a good idea? It's so messy....

-Triclyde: Never mind, just kill him!

But at that point, the rumbling noise grows louder, and a wall of snow and ice appears in the distance, rushing towards them. Fryguy freaks out at this sight.

-Fryguy: My god, it's avalanche! That's scaryyyy! Kyaaaah!!

Fryguy's screams only make things worse and the avalanche now rushes towards them at double speed. Before they can react, the roaring wave of snow engulfs both Fryguy and Triclyde and carries them away. Cut back to Koopa, who is looking very worried.

-Koopa: What should we do now? What should we do?! No way can we outrun an avalanche! We're doomed!

-Mouser: Don't panic, I'm here! Leave this to me, that avalanche won't know what hit it!

-Koopa: Well, whatever you'll do, hurry up! It's coming!

Indeed, the menacing avalanche has already appeared before them and is zooming right at them. But with a determined look on his face, Mouser faces this avalanche.

-Mouser: Oh no you won't! No wall of snow is going to smother my man! Now eat this!

He then raises his left arm, and a large fireball appears above him.

-Mouser: World-uuuhhhh....Shaking!!

He then brings his fist crashing down, and a shimmering fireball hurtles towards the avalanche, ripping up the ground as it continues it's firey path. The fireball then collides with the avalanche, and after a brief silence, the entire mass of snow is is blown away by the projectile's impact. Triclyde is flung away in the distance, and Fryguy comes crashing down in the snow next to Koopa.

-Koopa: Oh, it's that useless twerp Fryguy....oh well, who cares?

-Fryguy: I'm scaaared....mommmmy, am I dead now? 

-Koopa: Hmm, and Mouser?

He looks over to Mouser, who has exhausted himself with this technique and has fallen to his knees, breathing heavily.

-Koopa: He did it...Hey, nice job, Mouser!

Mouser looks up with big eyes, and a speech bubble that reads "!" pops up.

-Mouser: Milord...you....you mean it?

-Koopa: Yup, nice shot...I guess.

-Mouser: Yahoo! Way to go! Weeee!!

With eyeballs shaped like big pink hearts, Mouser begins to run around in ecstasy

-Mouser: Weee! Happy! He said I did a good job! I could just dieeee! Oh, I've heard him with my own ears, "nice job...luvverboy". He really said it! He said: "nice job, my love, I'm eternally grateful". And even: "Nice job, hun. I'll make it up to you tonight".

-Koopa: Uhm...I never said -that-.

-Shy-guy: And what about Mario?

-Koopa: You're right, what about Mario? Where did he go?

Cut to a shot of Mario, running down the mountain in panic.

-Mario: I'm not staying here another minute! The place is crawling with maniacs!

He runs right past a heap of snow where Yoshi and Toad are lying, barely conscious.

-Toad: Was that Mario?

-Yoshi: Dunno...

A zooming noise is the heard, and an unconscious Triclyde crashes into the snow in front of them.

-Toad: Oh, it's that nutter again.

-Yoshi: Won't anyone get us out of this snow? We're stuck, and no-one is going to free us.

-Toad: I'm never going to accept roles like this again. Not without a payment rise, at any rate.

-Yoshi: Is no-one going to get us out of here? Pleeease?

Screen zooms out to the sound of cawing crows, the cuts to a shot of a very angry-looking princess.

-Princess: Koooopaaaa, where the hell are you?! He was supposed to meet me here once he had killed Mario! What the heck is taking you so long?! You idiot! Kooopaaaa!! Here, on the double!!

Her shouting is followed by absolute silence, but after a while, a rumbling noise is heard.

-Princess: That noise....it's....

A large, rumbling wave of snow and ice then comes crashing down the mountain, and the princess begins to run away in panic.

-Princess: Nooo! I've caused an avalanche! It's not fair! No waaaayy! Kooopaaaa, get me outta here! Haaaalp!

Zoom out as the princess begins to run and shout in panic and gradually fade out.


	11. Episode 11: Parents of Panic

-Mario: Salut, les mecs! Voici le Super Mario Brothers' Freaky Show! C'est ringard!

Episode 11: Parents of Panic

"Plumber's log, number nobodygivesadamn. We had gone to the Not the Nine o'clock News kingdom, because we had heard that a gruesome tyrant was brutally oppressing the innocent Mushroom population of this idiotically-named kingdom, and we were there to free them from this reign of blood, terror and petty sadism..."

Fade in to the main Mushroom town of the Not the Nine o'clock News kingdom. Mario, Yoshi, Toad and the princess are standing on the town square, looking most bored. Mario is carrying a large backpack.

-Princess: Aww, not -again- with the plot set-up of saving some naff kingdom from a flipped tyrant who always turns out to be Koopa. Like, big surprise.

-Toad: It must be about the twentieth time they're using this kind of plot excuse. Tsch, I can't believe people actually got -paid- to write these crap storylines.

-Princess: Well, the catch is, they didn't.

-Toad: Figures. Well, anyway, why exactly are we standing around on the town square like this? It's not like that's in any way going to get us anywhere.

-Mario: Well, I can't really think of anything better to do...

-Yoshi: Maybe this town square is tasty?

At that moment, a pudgy Mushroom blokey with a badly-drawn vest and moustache comes running towards them, and in an irritatingly squeaky voice, he addresses these words to them:

-"Greetings! Welcome to the Not the Nine o'clock News kingdom! I am the mayor of this place, Mayor Imbecillini! I am the token pudgy and squeaky-voiced Mushroom mayor in this episode, and I will be of no use whatsoever!"-

-Princess: Shut yer face! I hate you!

-Mayor Imbecillini: But, your highness, princess Toadstool, I am one of your loyal Mushroom blokeys!

-Princess: Well, that doesn't mean I have to like you! This whole place is deprived, retarded and just plain rubbish! I never agreed to come here and save them from some nutty tyrant, let them die! 

-Mario: Yeah, but, we need to have -something- to do in this episode.

-Princess: Give me one good reason why. Our viewer ratings are at absolute rock bottom, nobody's watching, we might as well just screw up and do as we please!

-Toad: But that's exactly what we do in every episode as it is.

-Yoshi: Hmm, I wonder what Mayor Imbecillini tastes like?

-Toad: Like horse vomit, by the looks of it.

-Yoshi: Oh! Yummy!

-Mayor Imbecillini: Uhm...excuse me, can I say something?

-Princess: No!

-Mayor Imbecillini: But, it's kinda important to the plot, you see.

-Toad: Oh, so there is a plot after all? Well, let's hear it, then.

-Mayor Imbecillini: Okay! It says in my script that I'm supposed to be dead grateful that you came to save us from the tyrant...

-Princess: We never said we'd do that...

-Mayor Imbecillini: Oh...well, but then it says in my script that nobody knows where the tyrant's secret headquarters are, and that it's a major problem.

-Toad: Good heavens, you're stupid! What are you, a Luigi?! Can't you just order the citizens of this crappy place to go and look for the secret hideout?

-Mayor Imbecillini: Well, I would, but you see....well, there's some kind of...ehm, problem with the citizens of this kingdom...

-Princess: And that would be?

-Mayor Imbecillini: Well, basically, they're all dead.

Everyone slams onto the ground at the sound of this news. They then get up and angrily snarl at the irritating mayor

-Princess: And you didn't think you should tell us a little -sooner-?! 

-Toad: Well, if they're all dead, we might as well clear off again, right?

-Mario: 'spose so.

-Yoshi: Okay, bye-bye then.

-Princess: See ya.

-Toad: Toodle-oo.

-Mayor Imbecillini: What? You're leaving?

-Toad: Sure as hell we are.

-Mayor Imbecillini: So you're not going to retrieve the huge stashes of money that the evil tyrant ripped off after killing everyone??

Everyone immediately comes rushing back and stares at the mayor with huge, fiery eyes.

-Everyone: Moneeeey? Huge stashes of it?

-Mayor Imbecillini: Uhm, yeah...the ugly bastard attacked the town, killed everyone and then ripped off every single scrap of cash he could find. He's got the entire fortune of the Not the Nine o'clock News kingdom stashed away in his super-secret hideout by now! I took a picture of him while he attacked, and he looks like this!

He then holds up a simplistic drawing of a miserable stick puppet. Mario closely inspects this.

-Mario: Just as I expected, it's Koopa! Allriiight! Let's head to his hideout, right away!

-Toad: But, nobody knows where it is.

-Mario: Doh...that's right. Oh, but wait! I happen to have a handbook on finding the secret hideouts of evil thugs packed in my backpack! Just give me a minute!

Mario then takes his large bag off his shoulder, opens it and begins to rummage around in it. He takes out a slip, a photo camera, Luigi, a lucky cat doll, and finally, a tacky-looking book.

-Mario: Ta-dah! There it is, the official handbook on how to find the secret hideouts of nasty thugs!

-Toad: Yeah, right, such a thing actually exists....

-Mayor Imbecillini: Yes, it does, I wrote it!

-Princess: Then it has to suck! Now, Mario, Toad, Yoshi, you go and look for the hideout! Meanwhile, I will just stay here and be strictly useless!

-Toad: So, what else is new? Oh well, let's go, guys.

Mario, Yoshi and Toad then leave the town, but the princess still shouts these words at them:

-Princess: Oi, Mario, you forgot some of your stuff! Take it with you!

She then picks up the slip, the camera, the lucky cat and Luigi, whom Mario had left lying on the ground after unpacking them, and throws them in Mario's direction. However, Mario fails to catch the objects, and they end up falling into a lake and sinking.

-Mario: Hey! That was my slip!

-Toad: Oh well, don't feel bad about it. It's not like there was anything really important among those things, right?

-Mario: You're right, just a slip, a camera, a cat doll and...uhm...something else, but I can't remember what it was.

-Toad: See? It's totally unimportant.

They then walk off. The camera shows a shot of Luigi, who's limpid body comes drifting back to the surface of the lake in which he landed. Camera then cuts back to the princess.

-Princess: Heh heh, good, that's them out of the way. So, Koopa killed everyone here and he now has all of this kingdom's moolah? Mighty cool, we should be able to have loads of fun with so much cash! I'll phone him right away, with my annoying trendy mobile phone! (I'm a modern villainess after all).

-Mayor Imbecillini: What's that? You're going to telephone the evil oppressor Koopa?

-Princess: You...you've overheard me?!

-Mayor Imbecillini: Every single word!

-Princess: Then, you must die!

She then takes out a pistol and fires a bullet right through the irksome mayor's moronic face. He falls to the ground with a sloppy "thud" noise.

-Princess: Ahh, I feel much better now. Right, now to get on the phone with my hot and hunky Koopa!

Cut to a shot of Koopa's castle, plain out in the open. Fade in to a view of the Koopa Kafé. The room is entirely empty, except for Fryguy, who's sitting by the bar on his own, trembling nervously. Cigarette butts and empty packs of cigarettes surround him. He tries to light another ciggie, but his hands are trembling so much he fails to do so.

-Fryguy: Ahhh, no wayyy! It's terrible, so terrible! How am I ever going to survive this?! I'm so scaaared!

-"So, what else is new?"-

-Fryguy: Huh?

Mouser has slantered into the bar and takes a seat next to Fryguy. He contemplates his surroundings for a while.

-Mouser: Man, have you been hitting the nicotine big time.

-Fryguy: Well, I can't help it! I really need to steady my nerves for today!

-Mouser: And just what's so extra-scary about today, then?

-Fryguy: Well, you see, it's....it's...my parents are coming over!

A speech bubble with "!!" written in it pops up next to Mouser as his eyes widen.

-Mouser: Your folks?? What in hell do they want to -do- here?

-Fryguy: Well, they want to check on how my career in the Koopa army is going. You see, they're the ones that pushed me to enlist in the Koopa army in the first place. They were hoping it'd make me into a man.

A bemused smirk appears on Mouser's face as he leans closer to Fryguy.

-Mouser: Oh, and tell me, what does that make you now, eh?

With a mocking grin, he then pinches Fryguy's cheek, who rapidly turns away from this unwanted lewd taunting gesture.

-Fryguy: C...cut that out! *muttering* Man, I'm surrounded by homos....

-Mouser: *glares* Yeah, you got a problem with that? 

-Fryguy: Uhm...uh...no, not really, I just....

-Mouser: You looking for a chance to have your face redone with heavy metal bullets? 

-Fryguy: I didn't mean to...I...I just...

-Mouser: That's fighting talk, sonny! You've got an appointment with Mister Missile now!

-Fryguy: Aiiieee! Please don't hurt meeee! I'm scaaared! Mwaaahahahaaa, I want my mommyyyy!

And suddenly, a loud voice is heard, answering Fryguy's last phrase:

-"She's right heeeere!"-

Fryguy and Mouser turn around to spot a pudgy flame woman with ludicrous neon-pink glasses, over-the-top make-up and a big, funky hat adorned by huge ribbons.

-Mouser: Who in hell is that?

-Fryguy: Mouser, that's my mother, Frymom.

-Mouser: If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes....

At that point, Frymom was suddenly overwhelmed by a tide of motherly instincts, which she put into words thus:

-Frymom: Ohhh, theeere's my darling snuggly little coochybuns! Fryguy-sweetheart, come to mamaaaa!

With those words, she hurled herself at Mouser and liften him up, intent on cuddling him to the extreme, but he prevented this action by shouting these words:

-Mouser: Oi, lady, what do you think you're doing! Put me down! I'm not your twerpy son, he's over there!

-Fryguy: Mom, you should straighten your glasses...

Frymom then went silent, put her glasses on properly and gave Mouser a long, contemplative look.

-Frymom: My god, how horrible.

-Mouser: Talkin' to me?!

She then nonchalantly dropped Mouser on the floor and turned to her proper son, radiating exaggerated affection.

-Frymom: Fryguy, daaarling, you've grown so much! Oh, my little honey sweety angel baaaby! I remember when you used to be just a teeny tiny flash in the pan! And now you're such a big boy...*sob* oh, this is too much, the emotion is more than I can take! Mm...mwaaaah!

-Mouser: Hmm, looks like nervous dispositions run in the family.

-Fryguy: Mom scares me when she acts like that...

-Mouser: Wasn't your old man supposed to be here as well?

-Fryguy: That's right, what could be taking him so long?

But at that point, a hand was firmly and suddenly placed on Fryguy's shoulder, and the words "Well, son, how's it hanging?" were clearly pronounced.

-Fryguy: Yeep! Scary! What's this?!

A panicked Fryguy turned around to find himself face-to-face with his grinning father. 

-Fryguy: Papa, don't scare me like that!

-Frypop: Hrmmph, I'm dissappointed with you, son!

-Fryguy: What? What have I done now?

-Frypop: We were hoping that joining the Koopa army would give you a more firm temperament, but you're still as much of a whiny twerp as you've always been!

-Mouser: Wow, talk about an affectionate family *sweatdrop*.

-Frypop: Hmm, well, well... *turns to Mouser* And who might this strapping young lad be, eh?

-Mouser: Don't get any funny ideas, you dirty old man!

-Frypop: Ho ho ho! Spirited one, eh? It's good for a young man to have guts!

-Fryguy: Ehm, papa, this is Mouser. I work with him.

-Frypop: Ah, excellent! Now, Fryguy, why can't you be more like him?

-Fryguy: Papa, trust me, you don't want that to happen.

-Mouser: Hmph! Not in a million years would that no-hoper be anything like me! 

-Frypop: And tell me, Mouser, me young lad, why did you join the army, eh?

-Mouser: *suppressing a blush* None of your goddam business!

-Fryguy: Well, he joined because he wants to shag Lord Koopa.

Everyone smashes onto the ground upon hearing this remark. Mouser then gets up again and begins to strangle Fryguy.

-Mouser: You little...! I'll kill you, slowly and painfully!

-Fryguy: Rhaaaa! Haaaalp! Scaryyy!

However, this violent scene is interrupted by the arrival of Triclyde, in his Trashika guise, who enters the melée with these words:

-Triclyde: Well now, what's going on here?

-Mouser: Oh, it's you? Just piss off now.

-Frymom: Hmm, who is this, then?....Oh my, she sure is ugly...

-Frypop: Fryguy, is this your girlfriend?

-Fryguy: Wuh...what?! No, no, it's not like that! *huge blush* That's to say, I....uhm, you see....

-Frypop: Never mind...*sigh* He'll never get anywhere this way.

-Frymom: Don't push him so much, dear, he's only fifteen, he's still such a baby!

-Fryguy: Mom!

-Mouser: Well, it's a shame, but he'll die young, I assure you!

-Fryguy: Nooo! Leave me alone already!

-Frymom: Oh, I was just wondering, who is that rodent rowdy with all the piercings and the leather duds?

-Fryguy: We've told you, that's Mouser.

-Frymom: I see. Is he your boyfriend?

-Fryguy & Mouser: No way!!

-Mouser: He should be so lucky! Listen, for me there's only one man, I'm the official love-slave of Lord Koopa!

-Frypop: Well, good for you, me boy! Now then, won't we be introduced to this charming young lady, Fryguy?

-Frymom: What charming young lady?

-Fryguy: Oh yes, right. Mom, papa, this is my other co-worker, Trashika *light blush*.

A muffled voice is heard, mumbling something about "mmmh, he's really cute".

-Triclyde: *whisper* Lefty, shut yer face!

-Frypop: What's that? Did you say something, miss Trashika?

-Triclyde: Uhm....ah, no, no! Not at all! Hi hi hi! It's just sooo delightful to meet you, sir! 

-Frymom: Now, Fryguy, are you eating properly?

-Fryguy: Uh....yes, fine, not to worry, mom.

-Frymom: Hmmm, I'm not so sure. What do they serve in this Koopa Kafé place?

-Mouser: Cheap booze, cheap pills and cheap smokes.

-Triclyde: And, on today's menu, there is, for starters, globs of badly-drawn stuff made out of lord-knows-what, and the chef's special is lightly roasted leftover celluloid. 

-Frymom: What?! That is disgraceful! I can't let them feed my poor babycakes so badly! I want to speak with the chef, immediately!

-Mouser: Look, that's really a very bad idea...

-Triclyde: Chef Clawgrip has got one hell of a bad temper, he doesn't take criticism very well.

-Frymom: Well, see if I care! I want to go and kick up a big stink about this and be totally obnoxious! And don't you try to stop me! Come along, dear!

Dragging Frypop with her, she then stampeded off towards the kitchen, leaving the three Koopa flunkies behind.

-Fryguy: Oh no, they're always embarrassing me...

-Mouser: Heh *grin*, you know, this explains a lot....

-Triclyde: Shouldn't we go after them and make sure that things don't go too horribly wrong? 

-Mouser: Yah, probably...

Fade out and cut to a shot of Koopa, who is wearing a pastel pink tutu, and practicing some delicate ballet steps in front of his mirror. Suddenly, the telephone rings, he loses his concentration and crashes to the ground. He clambers towards the phone, picks it up and speaks these words into the device:

-Koopa: Thizzzz iz a dirrrrty phonecallll.....

From the other end, the princess' voice is heard, pronouncing this reply:

-Princess: I figured it'd be. So, I hear you nabbed all the dough of this kingdom?

-Koopa: Oh, it's you, hot babe! Yah, I ripped off the whole cash-stash. You should come round to see me, we could get down and get totally funky with so much money all to us.

-Princess: I was hoping you'd say that. Trust me, I'd love to come over and see you, my horse-butt ugly heap of smelly industrial waste, but you'll have to tell me where your secret hideout is hidden first. No-one knows where it is, see.

-Koopa: Ah, yes. You're going to love this, I've thought of an incredibly ingenious strategy to hide my fortress. They'll never find it! You see, my castle is hidden behind a bush!

-Princess: Eh?

Cut to a shot of the outside of Koopa's castle. The ten-story castle is plainly visible in the open, but a small, scrawny bush has been placed in front of the building. Cut back to Koopa's telephone conversation.

-Princess: Koopa, my darling dog's mess with flies buzzing around it, how exactly can you hide one of your showy, huge castles behind...a bush?

-Koopa: You can't, that's the beauty of it! They'll never figure it out!

-Princess: Hmm, now that you mention it, being the hopeless idiot he is, Mario probably won't figure it out, yes....You're right, we have nothing to worry about! I bet he's totally stumped by this!

Cut to a shot of Mario, Yoshi and Toad, who are dragging themselves through the plains of the Not the Nine o'clock News kingdom. Koopa's castle can clearly be seen in the background.

-Mario: It's hopeless, we've been searching for -hours-, but haven't found anything at all! Toad, what does our script say here?

-Toad: I dunno, Yoshi ate the script.

-Yoshi: It tasted terrible.

-Mario: Bummer, man. Looks like we'll have to go on searching.

They walk on for a while, until Mario suddenly steps on something. A squelching noise, and a shriek of pain are heard. Mario looks down and notices that he has stepped on Luigi.

-Mario: Oh, I was wondering where I had left that.

-Toad: He must've gotten washed onto the shore by the underwater currents of the lake....probably.

-Mario: It's not like he'll be of any use. Oh well, I say we take a rest here, we'll continue to look for Koopa's quarters later.

-Yoshi: Good idea, I could do with a nap.

-Toad: Myah, we didn't expect Koopa to hide his castle so ingeniously. This intensive search really is draining.

-Mario: Well, let's catch some Z's, then.

They then slump down onto the ground, and land on Luigi. He squeaks in agony, but the others have already fallen asleep on top of him. He tries to free himself from this hefty weight by struggling a bit, but before long, he runs out of strength and faints, face-forwards into a puddle of mud. Fade out and cut to a shot inside the kitchen of the Koopa castle. A large Clawgrip crab, adorned with a chef's hat and a filthy apron is angrily facing Frymom and Frypop. Mouser, Fryguy and Triclyde/Trashika are watching from a distance.

-Chef Clawgrip: Oh, so you have a problem with my cooking?!

-Frymom: Indeed I do! It's disgraceful! I will not allow my son to be fed so unhealthily!

-Mouser: I don't see why she gets so worked up. It's not like anyone ever orders any food at the Kafé.

-Triclyde: Must be a mother's thing.

-Frymom: In any case, I will undertake action, I assure you! You won't get away with this!

-Chef Clawgrip: Oh, suuure, and what exactly will you do, eh?

-Frymom: I'll do this!

Angered, she then picks up a burning pan from the stove and smacks Clawgrip over the head with it.

-Frymom: It's disgraceful that you should serve such garbage! I mean, just look at this food, it's disgusting! Disgusting! Arrrgh!

She then picks up a large pan, hoists it above her head and smashes it onto the ground. The icky contents of the pan are sent flying all around the kitchen.

-Chef Clawgrip: Oi, lady, there's no use going hysterical over this!

-Frymom: Oh, yes there is! This has gone far enough! Fryguy-sweetheart, I won't let them do this to you! You're coming back home, on the double!

-Everyone: Whaaat?!

-Mouser: Well, why not? It's not like he'll be missed here or anything.

-Fryguy: No, nooo! I don't want to go back home! Noooo!

-Triclyde: Why's that? What's so great about this place?

-Fryguy: Nothing, it sucks, but at home....I'm not allowed to smoke at home!

-Frymom: Now, Fryguy, be reasonable and do as your mommy says!

-Fryguy: No, I don't want to! Mouser, Miss Trashika, don't let them take me away! Save meeee!

-Mouser: Because you expect us to, like, give a damn?

-Fryguy: I swear that if I have to go back home, then...then I'll kill myself!

-Mouser: Oi, Frymom, Frypop, go ahead and take him home, as soon as possible please!

-Fryguy: You're all so mean! I hate you all! Waaahhh!

-Chef Clawgrip: A-herm, sorry to interrupt, but would you please be so kind as to push off from my kitchen? I have work to do here, see.

-Frypop: We wouldn't have stayed another minute if we were dying. Let's go, son.

-Fryguy: I won't! No, no, nooooo! 

Fryguy then hurls himself at Mouser and grasps onto him tightly.

-Fryguy: Mouser, don't let them take me away! Please, do something!

-Mouser: Okay, I'll do this!

With one hand, he peels Fryguy from himself and hurls him away. Fryguy lands in a large pan of spaghetti.

-Mouser: No-one glomps onto me like that, my body belongs entirely to Lord Koopa! Little runt!

A silence then follows. Everyone stares at the pan into which Fryguy has been hurled.

-Triclyde:....And now?

-Frypop: Nothing's happening...

-Chef Clawgrip: My God! Everybody, run! Run for your lives! He fell into the weekly spaghetti special! 

-Everyone: Gasp!!

At that point, the pan begins to tremble, and loud, roaring noises are heard, as the entire kitchen begins to shake violently.

-Chef Clawgrip: No, it's too late! We're all doomed now!

-Mouser: Why, what's the big deal on that spaghetti?

-Chef Clawgrip: That's my pet. I think he has gotten angry now.

-Mouser: The spaghetti is your pet? Gimme a break...

A loud "phtooie" noise is then heard, and Fryguy is shot out of the spaghetti pan, screaming in panic. He lands in front of the others and takes refuge behind Mouser and Triclyde, slobbering in terror.

-Triclyde: Just what is going on with that spaghetti? I have a very bad feeling about it.

-Frypop: It doesn't smell too good either.

-Chef Clawgrip: I fear the worst. The spaghetti's angry, prepare yourselves for something terrible!

The room then begins to tremble more violently, and a huge column of slimy, pale yellow tentacles bursts out of the spaghetti pan and crashes right through the ceiling.

-Frypop: Well, my word! What is it doing?!

-Chef Clawgrip: Oh no, it's terrible! The spaghetti has escaped! It's gone out of control! We must stop it before it takes over the whole castle!

Cut to a shot of Koopa, who is speaking these words into his telephone:

-Koopa: Okay, so that's settled, I'll pick you up at seven to go see the public executions. I've got to run now, babe, there's a wierd rumbling noise. It must my troops making a total mess out of everything, I'll have to check it out.

-Princess: Okay, see you this evening, my slurpmeister!

The phone conversation is ended in these words, and Koopa hangs up. But then, the castle suddenly begins to shake and rumble, to Koopa's great surprise.

-Koopa: Yeep! What the...?!

The door to Koopa's room then bursts open, and a horde of slimy spaghetti tentacles bursts in and grabs him.

-Koopa: Eeyaaargh! What the hell is going on?! No! I had agreed in my contract that I wouldn't do tentacle scenes! Lemme goooo!

Cut to a shot outside of Koopa's castle. The building is slowly torn apart by an ever-growing mass of spaghetti tentacles that expand ever faster. Soon, the whole castle is destroyed, and a pulsating mess of tentacles is left, reaching into the sky. At the top of this tower of slimy threads, Koopa is being held, wrapped up in a few undulating pasta wires.

-Koopa: Haaaalp! Stop thiiiiis!....Hmm, actually, it feels pretty good....

At the base of the tentacle monster, Mouser, Triclyde, Fryguy, his parents and Clawgrip are standing, gasping in disbelief.

-Mouser: No! That monster has got Lord Koopa, and it's harassing him! I must save him, at any cost! 

-Chef Clawgrip: What? What are you going to do?

-Mouser: Gruwhoaaarrrgh, full power! Fire all turrets!

He then whips out his full arsenal of cannons and fires repeatedly. A storm of bullets is projected onto the mutant pasta, but alas, the bullets simply bounce off from the thick, slimy substance.

-Mouser: It didn't work?! Damn it! And again! Eat thiiiis!!

He fires his full array of heavy artillery a second time, but once again the bullets just bounce off the monster's squishy hide.

-Mouser: And again! Diiieee!

-Chef Clawgrip: Stop it, it's no use! Gosh, you're stubborn.

-Mouser: Okay, so then what do we do, big genius? It's all your fault in the first place!

-Frypop: Fryguy, what are you waiting for?! You're a soldier, go on and give that tentacle monster a ruddy good punch in the face! Go on, my boy!

-Fryguy: You must be joking! Me, against that thing?! I'm way too scaaared!

-Frypop: Son, would you dare to disgrace our family?

-Frymom: Oh no, I could never go to bingo again!

-Fryguy: I...I see, they're really counting on me. Ah, I know! I'll use my special power!

-Frymom: Sweetie, you have a special power?

-Triclyde: Well, sort of, he does, but don't expect too much from it....

-Frypop: Excellent, son, I knew you had it in you! I knew you'd make it far someday! Show us this special power!

-Mouser: They're in for one hell of a let-down....

-Fryguy: Okay, here I go! To me, my weapon! The Kaleido Moon Smoke!

He raises one arm, and the Kaleido Moon Smoke appears in a flash of pink light. Brandishing this weapon, he takes out three cigarrettes.

-Fryguy: Momoko, Yuri, Hinagiku! Go for it! Fight that monster for me! Forward!

He makes a few gestures with his weapon, but as usual, nothing happens at all....

-Frymom: And...what exactly is the special bit about this?

-Frypop: He's just talking to a few cigarettes. What good will that do?

-Mouser: Well, I told you not to get your hopes up for this.

-Triclyde: And what do we do now? Mouser's guns don't work and there isn't anyone or anything remotely useful around.

-Mouser: No, impossible, I can't just leave Lord Koopa like this! There must be some way to get rid of this monster!

But at that point, Mario's voice is heard, shouting in staggered disbelief

-Mario: Whoooaaaw! Pasta, so much pasta! 

-Everyone: Huh??

They turn around to spot Mario, accompanied by Yoshi rushing towards them, with enormous grins on their faces. They immediately hurl themselves at the mountain of mutant pasta and begin to eat it, with grotesque slurping noises. Toad then slanders onto the scene as well.

-Chef Clawgrip: Now, just what is going on here?

-Toad: I was hoping you'd tell me. See, we were just taking a nap, because we were tired from searching for the ingeniously-hidden Koopa castle, when suddenly, we heard this huge noise. Then, we saw a great, big slimy thing burtsing out from a building in the distance. Mario recognised this as pasta, and, well, you know how he reacts to pasta.

-Triclyde: Oh yes, to get rid of pasta, you need to eat it. Why didn't we think of that?

-Toad: Probably, because you have as much as...oh, two brain cells between the lot of you.

-Mouser: Just you watch it, magic mushroom.

At that point, a loud burp is heard. Mario and Yoshi have finished eating. They're lying on the ground, with their stomachs bloated to the limit, like two giant hot air balloons. The spaghetti monster is entirely gone, except for Koopa, who is lying on the ground in front of the ultra-bloated Mario and Yoshi. Mouser immediately rushes towards him.

-Mouser: Oh, my poor baby! Lord Koopa, are you all right?! Say something!

-Koopa: Mmmumble....

-Mouser: Ah, he seriously needs a mouth-to-mouth treatment!

-Koopa: No, I don't! Get off!

Koopa then punches Mouser in the face and tries to escape his grasp.

-Mouser: Ohh, yeah, hurt me again, you know what I like...

-Koopa: Get this maniac off me!

Koopa then manages to get to his feet and runs off, with Mouser chasing him.

-Mouser: Wait, Lord Koopa, come baaack!

Toad then begins to roll the enormously fattened Mario and Yoshi away, with these words:

-Toad: Well, it was very nice to have lunch with you lot, but we must be going now. See ya!

After Toad, Mario and Yoshi have disappeared from the scene, Frymom and Frypop turn to their son.

-Frypop: Well, son, your mother and I have been thinking...

-Frymom: Only a little, mind you.

-Frypop: Yes, and we think that this Koopa army thing is...well, simply ludicrous. It's full of maniacs, perverts, bums and hooligans, it's nothing but stupidity, nastiness, non-discipline and all-round rubbishness!

-Fryguy: Oh no, so does this mean....

-Frypop: In other words, this place is perfect for you! By being as utterly hopeless as you've always been, you fit right in here, and you make a fine Koopa soldier!

-Frymom: I'm so happy, my baby finally found a good profession! This is just the thing for him!

-Fryguy: You...you mean it?

-Frypop: Sure thing! Keep up the good work, son, your mother and I are going now.

-Frymom: Toodle-oo, sugarbunny!

They then leave the scene as well, and after a short silence, Fryguy pronounces these words.

-Fryguy: Phewww, I was really scared there for a sec. Hmm, that's the first time they said they were proud of me. Pretty cool, if I do say so myself, I think I quite deserve a cigarette to celebrate. Yes, that's just the thing now, exactly.

-Triclyde: Why is Fryguy talking to himself?

-Chef Clawgrip: Probably because he's a moron.

-Triclyde: Definitely....

Screen fades out...


	12. Episode 12: Spoof Fighter 2: The Weird W...

-Mario: Unbelievable but true, we are now firmly into the two-digit numbers! Super Mario Brothers' Freaky Show forever! 

**Episode 12: Spoof Fighter 2: The Weird Warrior******

"Plumber's log, number seventy billion. Take a wild guess what happened....Yes, our budget did get cut, but I mean besides that. Right, Koopa had ripped off the princess. And to save on celluloid and paint, we're not going to show you how it happened. And to save on time and writer's fees as well (not that we pay them as it is), we're not even going to -explain- how it happened. It just did, okay? Anyway, we had just picked up the trace of the princess' whereabouts...."

Fade in to a shot of Mario, Yoshi, Toad and Luigi somewhere in a large city. They're standing in a scruffy-looking ally, and are staring at a poster on the wall in front of them.

-Mario: Well, well, what have we here?

-Toad: That's a poster, Mario.

-Yoshi: Looks pretty tasty...

Cut to a shot of the actual poster; there's a large mugshot of Koopa printed on it, along with the words: "Coming soon! The battle of the year! Enlist now for the Koopa Kombat bloody death fighter's tournament! Win our grand prize: the okay-ish looking Princess Toadstool!"

-Toad: Koopa Kombat, eh? So, he's using the princess as a prize for a major tournament he's organizing....

-Mario: Well, in that case, all we need to do is compete in this tournament, beat everyone else up and we'll have won the princess, and she'll be free again! Easy one!

-Toad: Right, let's go and enlist then.

-Luigi: It's bound to be a mortal deathtrap they've set up to kill us all very gruesomely when we least expect it and....

Camera zooms out to reveal that the others haven't listened to Luigi and have long since walked away. Screen fades out and cuts to a pan around Koopa's castle-like headquarters. Fade in to a shot of the princess, standing on the rooftop and overlooking the city below. A Koopa Troopa is kneeling down behind her and speaks these words to her:

-Koopa Troopa: We have just received confirmation that our targets, Mario, Yoshi and Toad have all registered to take part in the Koopa Kombat tournament you've planned. We are now proceeding to phase 2 of the plan....

-Princess: Ahh, excellent, they're rushing right into our trap. The idiots, if only they knew....there's no way they'll ever surive this!

Koopa's voice is then heard, pronouncing this phrase:

-Koopa: So, the whole plan's going well, huh?

The princess turns around, and the camera shows a shot of Koopa, who is wearing an exact carbon copy of the costume that Chun-Li of Street Fighter fame wears on the job. A short silence follows...

-Princess: Nice dress, hun.

-Koopa: Thanks, babe. I figured I'd wear something suitable for a fighting tournament episode. And the best thing about this costume is, if I do a high-kick, you can see my slip!

-Princess: That's bound to come in handy. Now, let's go over our plan one more time....

-Koopa: Oh yes. The idea is that we lure Mario and co into this big fighting tournament, by announcing that you'll be the grand prize of this tournament.

-Princess: Yes, we've had that bit, they've already enlisted. Now, they'll be thrown into a tournament where every most vicious, bloodthirsty and generally unpleasant person will compete as well. Every most fearsome thug and brutal brawler in the city will have enlisted on account of they'll take any excuse to smash someone's skull in, so Mario and co will get beaten to death! 

-Koopa: Brilliant! And it won't even seem like we did it on purpose!

-Princess: Ahh, how grand it is to be evil!

-Koopa: Evil, and well-dressed, too! Ha ha ha hee hee!

Zoom out as they both laugh like maniacs then fade out and cut to a shot inside the Koopa Kafé bar. Fryguy is pacing up and down the bar, with buckets of sweat running down his face and many cigarettes stuffed between his lips. Mouser is hanging half-asleep over the bar.

-Fryguy: Oh my, oh no, I'm so worried, I'm so scared!

-Mouser: Uhmm...what is it now? Have you been watching that show Goosebumps again?

-Fryguy: Heeyaaaah! No! Don't mention that show, it's too scary! Eep, I don't want to think about it! Scary!

-Mouser: Sheez, anything can freak you out...

-Fryguy: Knock it off, I happen to have a very good reason to be freaked out! Lord Koopa has ordered me to be the commentator during the Koopa Kombat tournament! It's bound to be scary! 

-Mouser: Muh, I don't see what's so hot about this stupid tournament. The only thing you can win is ugly ol' princess Toadface. Big deal.

-Fryguy: Gee, I had figured you'd want to win her so that you could easily kill her. After all, if you win her as a prize, you can do whatever you want, without anyone making trouble.

-Mouser: Good lord, you're right! That means I -could- kill her, and have my hot'n hunky Lord Koopa all to myself! Koopa Kombat, here I come!

Mouser then storms away and runs right through a wall of the Koopa Kafé in his hurry, leaving a Mouser-shaped hole in the wall. Fryguy watches him as big drops of sweat pearl down his face.

-Fryguy: Ohhh, now things got even more scary! Now I wonder where Tricly...uh, I mean, miss Trashika has gone off to, she/he/whatever is hardly around these days....

Cut to a shot of Triclyde, in a dimly-lit room. He's clad in a bulky hi-tech armored suit with three openings for the heads.

-Triclyde: Heh heh...this Koopa Kombat tournament is just the thing we need. It's a perfect chance to seize control of the Koopa empire once again! With this armored suit, we'll surely win! 

Three metal helmets then slide over Clyde's three heads, thus masking their faces. With a loud "clank", the armor's helmets slide into place. Screen then fades out and cuts to a shot inside the Koopa Kombat Kolliseum. A large number of contestants for the tournament are standing around, trying to look tough. Fryguy then appears on a large TV screen on the wall in front of them.

-Fryguy: Uhm...ah, hello everyone. Thanks for coming to the Koopa Kombat tournament. Now, since there are well over a hundred of you, we'll have to start with an eliminatory round. Only the 8 best brawlers among you will be allowed to move on to the finals in the arena. Now, here are the rules for the eliminatory rounds: we've split you up into eight groups of about 20 fighters each. Now, each of these eight groups will indulge in a free-for-all battle. The last man standing in each group wins and moves on to the finals of the tournament. Please follow your assigned group to your eliminatory battle ground. Other than that, there are no rules! 

The contestants mumble a bit, after which they're split up into groups and led to 8 separate arenas. Lakitus hover around these small battlegrounds, recording footage which is sent straight to the TV screens covering the walls. 

-Fryguy: Allright, now let's tune in to the eliminatory rounds! Let's see what's happening in eliminatory group number 1!

Cut to a shot of Mario, who had landed in the first group. He's standing in the middle of the small battleground, clutching Luigi.

-Mario: So, all I have to do in order to move on to the finals is kill this bunch of dweebs? Hah, easy! They'll stand no chance against my Luigi Tornado Blast!

Mario then begins to swing Luigi around, faster and faster, in a fashion similar to the way he swings Bowser by the tail in Super Mario 64. Soon, Mario's spinning maneuver generates a small tornado that blows all of the other contestants away. As all of his opponents lie splattered about the place, Mario grins and does a victory sign to the Lakitu camera. Cut to Fryguy, who has watched this on his monitors and swallows a few times.

-Fryguy: Oh man, that was scary! Well, the winner of eliminatory group number one is Mario, and he's our first finalist! His mastery of the deadly weapon Luigi is most impressive, and scary too! Now, let's take a look at eliminatory group number two!

However, eliminatory group number two has all but vanished. The only one left on the second battleground is Yoshi, who sits there with stomach super-bloated. He burps, and Fryguy swallows a few more time.

-Fryguy: *gulp* Group number two was wiped out as well, our second finalist is Yoshi. Oh man, I knew this was a bad idea...And group number three...

Cut to a shot of the third battleground. The place is riddled with bleeding corpses, only a tall man in a black trenchcoat and reflecting glasses is standing there calmly.

-Fryguy: Uh-oh, wiped out as well...our third finalist, who has disposed of the third group in a rapid, silent and remarkably bloody fashion is the assasin Sanshiro Sakurazaku, from the cucumber tree mountain...eep, he scares me! This is just in, eliminatory groups number four and five have been annihilated in mere seconds as well! The victor from group number four is Mouser, who's ability to whip out heavy artillery and commit massive genocide easily explains this lightning victory!

Cut to a rapid shot of Mouser, standing amidst the massacred contestants of his group. He casually polishes one of his guns and whistles the YMCA melody. Cut back to Fryguy.

-Fryguy: Uh, right...and the winner from group number five is the mysterious Robot 3-TX who packs some surprising firepower! Now, for the sixth group...

At that point, a large, chubby figure in purple dungarees barges in and rips off Fryguy's microphone.

-Fryguy: Yeek! What are you doing?! That's scary!

The camera shows a close-up of the one who just took the microphone. This person is revealed to be Wario. He grins and barks into Fryguy's microphone:

-Wario: Yes, it is I! I am the winner from the sixth group! I have come to claim what is rightfully mine! Mario! If you can hear me, listen up! Over the years, you've had three TV series to yourself, and they all sucked! You even had your own live movie, and it sucked too! And the reason why they all sucked was because I wasn't in them! But now, I will change this! I know you were planning to leave me out of this new series, but I'll have none of that! I'll defeat you in this tournament and claim my place as a regular cast member! Finally, after all these years, I'll get to appear in a Mario series! Wuaaahahahahaa!!

-Fryguy: Stop that, you're scaring me! And besides, this isn't even a proper series! It's nothing but a warped delirium, typed out on the PC of a silly person! It's full of perversity, petty sadism, grotesque humour and rampant stupidity!

-Wario: Sounds great, I'm looking forward to claiming my place in this series! You're about to go down, Mario! This tournament is my chance to prove to the world that I'm every bit as good as Mario, if not far better, and that I have every right to appear in a TV series! See ya!

Cut to Mario and Yoshi, who were lounging around a soda machine, and watching this scene on the screens around them.

-Yoshi: Mario, do you know that flipped fat guy who keeps mentioning your name?

-Mario: He seems vaguely familiar...dunno, I couldn't care less, really.

At that point, Toad comes stumbling towards them, looking severely beaten up.

-Toad: Gasp...choke...aaaargh!

-Mario: Some people always have to make a dramatic entrance.

-Toad: Mario, Yoshi, I got whipped! I was in the seventh group, I thought I'd win, but this wimpy-looking guy wiped everyone out! Even my annoying funky-talk routine couldn't scratch him!

-Mario: Oh! Then he must be really tough!

Cut to a shot of the massively beaten up contestants from the seventh group. The only one left standing is a delicate, raven-haired young man in long, white ceremonial robes. Cut back to Fryguy in his commentator's cabin.

-Fryguy: Oh my, the seventh group was wiped out as well, and our seventh finalist is the fearsome wizard Satoru Sumeragi! Finally, there's group number eight...

At that point, loud screams are heard, and all the fighters of group number eight come running past, shouting in panic. A few of their cries of terror can be picked up:

-"Noooo!! Keep it away from us! Heeelp!"-

-"We must get out of here! That guy's too terrible to face!"-

-"Aiiieeee! It's too horrible for words! Run for your lives!"-

-"I had to pee in my slip!"-

-Fryguy: How strange, all the fighters from the last group have run away in terror. What could have scared them so much? Let's check the camera....

Fryguy's monitor shows a shot of the now-empty last battlefield. Only one person is still standing there, with a look of innocent confusion on his face....it's a small boy in a caveman costume, with curly blond hair. Cut to Mario and Yoshi, who have broken open the soda machines and stolen a large dose of soda cans.

-Mario: I wonder why all the fighters from the last group just ran away like that?

-Yoshi: They looked as if the devil himself was on their heels. Something really terrible must've happened there to scare all those tough brawlers away!

-Mario: Yeah, it must've been utterly horrible!

At that point, a voice is suddenly heard behind Mario and Yoshi. They turn blue in the face, and thier eyes widen as an irritating, teeth-gratingly raspy and dopey voice blurbs out the following phrase:

-"Yo, phunkey doodz! A'm baaack!"-

-Mario: No.....no, this cannot be...

-Yoshi: That terribly annoying voice and that gruesomely misplaced uncool slang....oh no, it's the worst of all things that could have happened!

As they swallow in panic, and cold sweat drenches their bodies, Mario and Yoshi slowly turn around and find themselves face-to-face with the small blond caveboy who was on Fryguy's monitor just a while ago. Haunting music begins to play as the one and only Oogtar who plagued the entire Super Mario World cartoon shows is revealed in his full terror. Mario and Yoshi begin to scream hysterically.

-Mario: Aiieeee!! It -is- him! That ugly little dork Oogtar! During the Super Mario World series, Toad wasn't available because he was at the hospital to have his ugly face treated by a plastic surgeon, so the animators created this monster child to replace him!

-Yoshi: During the whole series, he got up everyone's nerves with his crap voice and grating funky blabberings, and god how we hated him!

-Mario: After the series was over, we decided to dispose of him. I remember that we beat him senseless, tied him up in chains, repeatedly stabbed him with a sharp knife and hurled him into the deepest pit we could find, just to make sure that we'd never -ever- have to see that little bastard again!

-Yoshi: But somehow, he has survived and now he's back to irritate us to death again! Haaaargh, it's a nightmare! Wake up, Yoshi, wake up, it's just a bad dream! Aiieee, please let this just be a bad dream!

-Oogtar: Yo, dino dood, mellow out, man! Like, screwabunga!

-Yoshi: Screwabunga yourself! Don't come any closer! 

-Mario: We hate you, Oogtar! You're ugly and annoying, so just go and set fire to yourself! 

-Oogtar: Oogtar hear ya mondo groovy buncha guyz make a new TV seriez, so Oogtar come help out wid da cool action an' jiggy joke lines! It's good to be back in da hood!

-Yoshi: We're doomed now, we will all die a slow, agonizing and deeply humiliating death. It's so unfair, I would've wanted to appear in a halfway decent TV program before I died....

They are then interrupted by the voice of Fryguy, who's face has popped up on the screens again.

-Fryguy: Uh, right. The eliminatories are over, and they were really scary! Now, it's on to the finals! Our eight finalists will slug it out one-on-one in separate duels until there's only one left. And my immensely tacky pairing-up-finalists-machine tells me that the two contestants for our first battle will be Oogtar and Mouser!

Cut to a shot of the Koopa Koliseum's main outdoor arena, with a large crowd surrounding it. Oogtar skips onto the arena with a big grin and turns to the crowd.

-Oogtar: Yo, spectator-esque style duudz, me da man!

-Crowd: Booooh! Who is that idiot?! Kill him! Kill him!

Mouser then slanters onto the arena, and gives Oogtar a look of disgust.

-Mouser: I have to fight -this- moron? Man, what a let-down. I was hoping some of the contestants would at least be hot guys with big muscles...oh well, I'll just waste the little twerp rapidly.

-Oogtar: Hey, hey, hip'n groovy homo rodent dood, chill it! Don' have an overdose! Oogtar da man an' Oogtar be here to stay!

-Mouser: Oh, piss off.

Mouser rapidly pulls a Magnum pistol from his belt, points it at Oogtar and fires. Oogtar's head explodes in a cloud of gory sludge, and his headless corpse sinks to the ground with a squishy noise, as a puddle of blood gradually expands from his messy remains. Mouser coolly blows some smoke from his gun and then does a victory pose to the crowd.

-Mouser: Hello, boys! Here's a pose for all my loyal, and hopefully rugged handsome fans!

-Crowd: Yaaayyy! Way to go! He saved us from Oogtar! You go! Rainbow power!

Cut back to Fryguy, who trembles nervously as he speaks these words into his microphone:

-Fryguy: Th...this means our first round is over, with Mouser as the winner. Oh no, it's getting so scary! Our second battle is about to begin, which will pit two more contestants against each other. The next match is Mario versus Yoshi!

Cut to a shot of Mario and Yoshi standing face-to-face on the arena.

-Yoshi: Well, Mario, since we both came to save the princess, we don't really need to fight, right, so I'll just go away now and leave you to move on, okay?

-Mario: Not so fast, we need this to look convincing, so that Koopa's forces won't suspect us!

-Yoshi: But of course they suspect us as it is! You're just looking for a cheap excuse to beat someone up here!

-Mario: You bet, I just wanna smash everyone's face in! Now eat it!

Mario then takes out Luigi and swings him at Yoshi, but Yoshi jumps out of the way and shoots out his tongue. With his long tongue, Yoshi nicks Luigi from Mario's hands and swallows him.

-Yoshi: Fine then, if you want a fight, you'll get it! What will you do now that I've eaten your weapon, huh?

-Mario: I'll just sit back and enjoy the show. Yoshi, aren't you feeling a bit strange?

Yoshi slowly goes purple in the face and begins to stagger around.

-Yoshi: Uuuhrrrg, my stomach hurts. Oh no, that was a mistake! Eating something as nasty as Luigi....Beurk! What have I done?!

Yoshi gags and convulses a few times, after which he spits out Luigi. Yoshi then sinks to the ground, clutching his aching stomach.

-Yoshi: Nooo, that was too disgusting! I'm finished.....I've got to puke!

Yoshi then runs off to the loo to puke while Mario victoriously swings Luigi around over his head.

-Mario: Ta-dahhh, excellent victory! I rule!

-Fryguy: Well, so much for our second match. Mario wins by cruelly beating up even his own friend, and we move on to match number three! This match will see the assassin Sanshiro take on the wizard Satoru! These two powerhouses have personal vendettas against each other! This match is bound to be scary, so I badly need some ciggies before we start!

Cut to a shot of Sanshiro standing on the arena. His long black coat flutters in the wind. The crowd has gone silent upon seeing this imposing figure, when suddenly Satoru jumps onto the ring as well, still clad in his white ceremonial gown. He and Sanshiro face each other for a short moment. Sanshiro then takes off his sunglasses and smiles.

-Sanshiro: Why, hello Satoru.

-Satoru:....I've been looking for you for a long time.

-Sanshiro: Have you really?

-Satoru: Now, I can finally grant myself this wish I have made...

Satoru then joins his hands and fires a blast of energy in Sanshiro's direction, but he has no trouble deflecting Satoru's attack by rapidly dressing a force field.

-Sanshiro: Tell me, Satoru, aren't you by any chance trying to...kill me? You want to kill me, the person who killed your charming sister Hotaru? Satoru, you still are....really cute *grin*.

-Satoru: Argh! You bastard! You're the one who killed my sister! You talked her into taking up smoking, and two weeks later she died of lung cancer! It's your fault!

-Sanshiro: I see. And do you really think you can bring yourself to kill me?

-Satoru: I...I have...

-Sanshiro: You can't do it, Satoru, there's no way. Now, I've been meaning to tell you something for a long time. You see, I've always felt that....

-Satoru: Sa...Sanshiro...

-Sanshiro: That you look like a total girl in that gown! Hah! It's a ridiculous sight!

Satoru's eyes widened in shock upon hearing this, and big tears welled up in them. After a short silence, Satoru burst out in desperate weeping and ran away, shouting that Sanshiro was such a terrible meanie. Sanshiro just smirked and put his sunglasses back on.

-Sanshiro: Hmmm......Really cute. Well, while I'm here, I might as well stay and have a little fun with this tournament.

He then turns to the crowd and stares intensely.

-Sanshiro: All of them, I'll kill everyone. They will all die. Everyone will die!

At that point, Fryguy's voice is heard from the microphones, screaming in panic.

-Fryguy: Eeeyaaaahh! Scaryyyy! Nooo, I don't wanna dieeee! Mister Sanshiro, please don't hurt me, I'm so scaaared! Shrieeeeek! Aaaaahrg!

Fryguy's deafening screams resound all over the arena, and the spectators wince in agony as they hold their ears to dampen the grinding noise of his panicky screams. Soon, various cries can be heard from the suffering crowd

-"Oi, someone shut that stupid commentator up!"-

-"My ears are ringing! If he keeps screaming like that, we'll all go deaf!"-

At that moment, Wario pops up behind Fryguy, wearing large earplugs. He punches Fryguy unconscious and grabs his microphone.

-Wario: No need to worry! I am Wario, the magnificent! I've come here to defeat Mario and prove myself worthy of a place in this series! I can assure you that I will win this tournament, and I'll wipe the floor with that Sanshiro dweeb! I'll beat them all, and I'll pound you the hardest, Mario! You will see me in action during the next fight, where I have to face some scruffy bum called Robot 3-TX, who will no doubt be beaten to shrapnel in mere seconds, so let's get it on!

-Fryguy: Excuse me, could I have my microphone back?

Fryguy has regained consciousness and seems to have calmed down. Wario hands him the mike and then strolls off, laughing loudly.

-Fryguy: A-herm, yes....our next fight will indeed be Wario versus Robot 3-TX. Just hope it won't be as scary as this one. This Sanshiro guy could be a menace to everyone. Oh, it's so scary! Anyway, on with the fights....

Cut to a shot of the arena. Wario is facing the large Robot 3-TX, who is in fact the armored suit in which Triclyde has concealed himself. Due to the metal helmets, it's impossible to see Triclyde's faces. Wario faces the crowd and grins broadly.

-Wario: Now, you will finally see my true brilliance! Everyone wil recognise my awesomeness when they see me pounding this oversized tin can to bits with great ease! Just watch, I'll whup his ass! Ha ha ha ha ha! Woo ha ha ha haaa!

But while Wario continues to gloat insanely, Robot 3-TX has pointed a built-in rocket launcher mounted in it's right arm at Wario's back. With a crashing noise, a rocket is fired at Wario's bum, who was too busy showing off. Once he notices, it's too late, the rocket explodes and Wario is sent soaring into the sky with a yelp of agony. His scream fades away until there's only a small glint in the sky. Robot 3-TX then strides away silently.

-Fryguy: Well, it looks like an easy surprise victory for Robot 3-TX who coldly took advantage of the absent-mindedness of his foe. Phew, this was a pleasingly un-scary match, thank heavens. Allright, this means the first round of the finals is over, let's have a quick re-cap of what happened so far. Our eight finalists were pitted against each other in four matches. The first match saw a pleasingly rapid and bloody death for Oogtar at the hands of Mouser, who is surely one of the favorites in this tournament. Yoshi was then defeated with ease by one of our most fearsome and brutal contestants; Mario. Our third match was won by the scary Sanshiro's flair for wicked comments, and finally, match number four's winner is Robot 3-TX who defeated Wario with surprising ease. Four of our contestants have bitten the dust, the remaining four will duke it out in the second level of the finals! But first, we'll take a short break so that our fighters can freshen up, and I can re-stock on cigarettes. See ya soon!

Fryguy then speeds away and rushes towards a cigarette machine in the distance, into which he begins to pump gallons of coins. The four remaining fighters then walk away to take a break. Cut to a shot of Robot 3-TX in a dark room. The three helmets slide off and Clyde's three heads pop out to hold a quick conference.

-Triclyde: Well, we've gotten this far, but it looks like things will start to get serious from now on.

-Righty: That's true. The small fry has been eliminated, the remaining contestants are the ones that might actually put up some kind of serious resistance.

-Lefty: Ooooh, the suspense is killing us.

-Triclyde: Hmm, even though this robotic armor is highly powerful, we may have reason to worry...We know how dangerous Mouser can be, and he's insanely persistent as well. And then there's this Sanshiro, that one's got me really worried.

-Righty: I just hope we won't have to face that freak....

-Lefty: And what about Mario?

-Triclyde: Mario's the -least- of our worries. Now, let's make good use of this short break time.

Cut to a shot of Sanshiro, who's standing on the very highest point of the rooftop of the Koopa Koliseum building, while his trenchcoat flutters in the wind. He smirks nastily.

-Sanshiro: They will all die...All the idiots inside this building, I'll kill them, every one of them. Soon, there will be so much blood. Eh heh heh heh....

His smirk broadens as some sunlight reflects off his glasses. Cut to a view of a small lake with a waterfall, just outside the city. A figure can be seen, seated in this waterfall. Zooming in, the figure is revealed to be Mouser. He is sitting, shirtless, in a meditating pose, while the cold streams of the waterfall batter down upon his shoulders. Zoom in on his face, as he speaks to himself.

-Mouser: I will be the one to win this tournament. Nothing will stand in my way this time. If I win, I'll be able to kill princess Toadstool, and then, the road to everlasting happiness with Lord Koopa will be open to me! Anyone who dares to stand in my way....I'll crush them into the dirt, completely!

Determined, he then rises to his feet, and accidentally bumps his head against a hanging tree trunk just above him.

-Mouser: Ouch. Dammit, I can't see a thing in this stupid waterfall.

Cut back to a shot inside the halls of the Koopa Koliseum, where Mario is strolling about, in a most carefree fashion. He takes out a big sandwich and grins happily.

-Mario: Ahh, a short break is just the thing I needed to munch down on a delicious jumbo sandwich!

But just as he's about to sink his teeth into the sandwich, Fryguy's voice can be heard over the Koliseum's speaker system.

-Fryguy: Uhm...excuse me, our break is over, and it's back to the violence now.

-Mario: Aw, knackers.

-Fryguy: It's been decided that the first battle of this round of the finals will be Mario versus Mouser!

-Mario: *gulp* Uh-oh, double knackers.

Cut to a shot of the Koliseum's main arena. Mouser and Mario are facing each other, in a tense atmosphere.

-Mario: Oh, Mouser, you're all wet.

-Mouser: I was meditating under a waterfall, okay?

-Mario: I didn't know you could meditate....I figured you mostly just smash the place up.

-Mouser: Look, it's not important, just drop the subject. It makes no difference, Mario, as you will now die.

-Mario: What have I done now?

-Mouser: Heh heh heh....It's a pleasant surprise, really. Not only will this tournament allow me to impress the hell out of Lord Koopa and kill that annoying tramp princess Toadstool, but now it has also given me the opportunity to kill you, the number one foe of the Koopa forces. You are the one who constantly makes my Lord Koopa suffer, I'm going to make you pay for that! 

He then takes out a chaingun and fires a multitude of bullets at Mario. With a shriek of panic, Mario jumps out of the way, and the bullets fly off into the distance. Screams are heard from the crowd as a few spectators fall to the ground, mortally wounded by Mouser's bullets.

-Mouser: Nuts, I missed! Another one, chaaarrrrge!

He begins to fire more bullets all over the shop, but Mario keeps dodging. Several more spectators are killed by the stray bullets while this goes on. Fryguy comments on the situation through the microphones:

-Fryguy: Oh no, it's scary! We finally have a fight that lasts for more than mere seconds, but I really wish Mouser wouldn't accidentally kill so many spectators. It's really scary! Oh, but now it looks as if Mario is going to counterattack....

Indeed, Mario has taken out Luigi and rushes towards Mouser with a loud war cry. He slaps Mouser with Luigi a few times, but this seems to have no effect at all.

-Mouser: Hah, that didn't hurt at all!

-Mario: Oh no, this is just what I need! Luigi must be having a malfunction, and now I'll have to fix him!

Mario then begins to inspect Luigi, and takes Luigi's left earlobe between his fingers.

-Mario: Now, maybe if I tighten this switch here....

He twists the earlobe around a bit, and Luigi screams in agony.

-Mario: No, that's not it....His battery can't be flat, it must be something else.

-Mouser: Don't bother with it, Mario! Face it, you're finished! You will die today!

Mouser points his cannon at Mario with those words, but before he can fire, Mario casually speaks these words.

-Mario: Well, sorry to spoil your fun, but I won't die in this battle.

-Mouser: And just how will you pull that off, eh?

-Mario: It's simple, I give up.

-Mouser:....Come again?

-Mario: I give up and declare that you're the winner. There, battle's over, see ya.

Mario then walks away, whistling a silly melody, but Mouser doesn't seem pleased with this victory.

-Mouser: Grrrr, damn you, Mario! Don't think you can get away from me so easily! You may have survived this encounter, but I'll track you down someday, and kill you! 

Fryguy then cuts in via the microphone again

-Fryguy: Uhhh, right. Mouser wins this round, which means he has made it into this tournament's final battle. Now, to decide who will be his opponent, Sanshiro and Robot 3-TX will fight it out in our next battle, which will surely be the most scary fight yet! Oh well, the sooner we start, the sooner it's over....I hope.

Cut back to a shot of the arena, where Sanshiro is now standing before Robot 3-TX. 

-Sanshiro: So, you're the next one who wants to die? Fine with me, but you really should take off those tacky steel helmets first.

He then rapidly flicks his wrist, which causes Robot 3-TX's three metal headsets to fall apart, thus revealing Triclyde's three heads. Some gasps of astonishment go through the crowd, and Fryguy makes the following microphone-based comment.

-Fryguy: Oh, what a shock revelation! The enigmatic Robot 3-TX's true identity is Triclyde! It's well known that he is a ruthless and cruel being who opposes the Koopa forces, so things have gotten really scary now! I'm too afraid to watch, mommyyyy!

As Fryguy quickly hides himself underneath a desk, Triclyde speaks to his other two heads.

-Triclyde: So we've been exposed, big deal. What matters now is to find a way to beat this Sanshiro guy. I can only think of one thing; let rip with full firepower and hope for the best.

-Lefty: Sounds good to me.

-Righty: Sort of a Mouser-style approach, right?

-Triclyde: Sort of. Now do it!

The robotic armor's full arsenal is then employed as a multitude of concealed machine gun turrets in the mechanic suit pop up and begin to fire their bullets at Sanshiro. But he just smirks and looks up with a piercing stare. All the bullets fired by Triclyde's suit then transform into harmless cherry blossom petals that drift towards the ground.

-Triclyde: Incredible! He neutralised all of our fire in the blink of an eye!

-Righty: Clyde, what should we do now? 

-Sanshiro: Ho ho ho ho....Is that your best performance? Hah, conventional weaponry is of no use against me. Now, it's time for you to die.

-Triclyde: What the....? I can't move anymore!

-Lefty: Same here, I can't move a muscle. Well, I can still blab on, but I can't, like walk or anything.

-Righty: Our body is totally paralysed! This must be another one of Sanshiro's tricks!

-Sanshiro: That's exact. You're paralysed by my magic, there's no escaping now. Even if you beg hystrerically, I'll still just kill you, and I'll enjoy doing it!

Sanshiro then leisurely walks up to Triclyde, who struggles to move but can't escape the effect of Sanshiro's paralisation magic. Once Sanshiro has moved close to his prey, he stretches out his hand and lets a blast of energy explode against the robotic suit's steel hide. The blast severely damages the machine.

-Righty: No way! The machine is ruined, we've lost all control over it! It's systems have taken a fatal blow, it's gone completely haywire!

The Robot 3-TX suit then begins to hop around the arena insanely, totally out of control. It performs a few silly dance steps, runs around circles, does a pirhouette and finally explodes. Triclyde soars out of the explosion, strapped to an emergency escape jet-chair.

-Triclyde: Thank heavens the emergency escape system still worked somehow.

-Righty: I just hope we won't land in the sea....

Clyde soars off into the distance and lands in the sea as Sanshiro coldly muses to himself.

-Sanshiro: Well, he may have gotten out of this alive, but the next one won't be so lucky. I'm looking forward to quenching my thirst for blood and suffering. Wu ha ha ha haaa!

Fryguy then clambers out of his hiding place and picks up his microphone again.

-Fryguy: Ohhh, this is just as I feared, the last two remaining fighters who will slug it out in our final round are the most scary ones! The final battle of this tournament will oppose Mouser and Sanshiro! Whatever happens, it will be scary....And to increase the cheapo drama effect, this episode's pointless insert song is _Ai no Senshi_, which means we're pulling a blatant knock-off on a far superior series, but oh well. It's now time for the final battle, and boy am I scared!

_Ai no Senshi _begins to play in the background. Camera cuts to an overhead shot of the arena, as the two contestants walk towards the centre of the battlefield. Close-up of Mouser, who speaks these words to himself:

-Mouser: I've come all this way...Just one more battle to win, and I will have made it! Once I've won this, my every wish will come true, I'm -so- close to my goal I can almost taste it!

-Sanshiro: Hmm, you really are a spirited one...I like that in you, boy, but still, you have no chance in the world against me. 

-Mouser: I know that you're a tough one, but I won't be beaten, not when I'm this close! Lord Koopa, I'm doing this for you! Uwoohrrrrr, power to meee!!

With a roar of fury, Mouser then takes out as many guns as he can and lets rip with an enormous discharge of hefty firepower. Machine guns, magnums, rocket launchers, UZI's, bazookas and flame throwers bark out a blazing wall of steel and fire, but all to no effect. With his cold grin, Sanshiro just stands there and watches as Mouser's bullets turn into a haze of soft cherry blossom petals.

-Mouser: What the...??

-Sanshiro: Haven't you seen how I defeated Triclyde before you? Now, it's your turn to die!

Sanshiro then reaches forward, and a shockwave is fired from the palm of his hand, which slams Mouser against the ground.

-Mouser: Uhhrrrrg, that really smarts, Owww, oh man....

-Sanshiro: You see, it's over now. Soon, you and everyone else will die here.

-Mouser: N...no, I can't give up, not now! If I don't stop him, even Lord Koopa will be in danger from him!

Zoom out and cut to a shot of Koopa and the princess, deep inside the Koliseum building. They've been watching the tournament on a big video monitor.

-Princess: Koopa, it's getting too risky! If this Sanshiro guy wins, he'll blow the place sky high! And if Mouser wins, you'll have to turn me over to him as the winner's prize, and I don't think I'm going to like what Mouser will want to do to me!

-Koopa: Oh, *dumb smirk* that's nothing to worry about, you know he goes for the boys, he won't try anything funny on you.

-Princess: No, no, that's not it! Mouser wants to kill me because he's jealous of my being with you! The ground is getting too hot underneath our feet here!

-Koopa: Yikes! My feet?! If you put it that way, we really should scram! Let's go!

Koopa then takes her hand and begins to run away. Cut to a close-up of them running in panic.

-Princess: Wait, where are we going?!

-Koopa: There's a secret escape route out of the Koliseum! Now, I just need to remember where the hell it is....

-Princess: You -forgot- where your secret exit is?! I don't believe this!

-Koopa: Don't worry, I'll find it soon enough!

Cut back to the outside arena. Mouser has staggered back on his feet, breathing heavily.

-Sanshiro: This isn't possible! How can you still stand up after taking my shockwave?! You shouldn't even be able to move now that I'm using my paralisation magic! How can you possibly resist it's effect?!

-Mouser: I...can't let you...go any further. I've got to....got to win!

Mouser then takes out a shotgun and clutches it.

-Sanshiro: You idiot! You know very well that a gun's bullets have no effect on me!

-Mouser: I never said I would fire it at you. Eat this!

Mouser then flings the shotgun in Sanshiro's direction, and the blunt weapon ends up painfully hitting the sinister assassin's face with a loud "thwack" noise.

-Sanshiro: Owww, that hurts!

-Mouser: All right, it works! Have some more!

Mouser then begins to take truckloads of guns from his pockets and throws them all at Sanshiro who cowers in panic from this onslaught.

-Sanshiro: Nooo, stop it! My magic isn't strong enough to neutralize such big and heavy objects! Stooop! Owie, owie, owie!

Once Mouser has flung his last gun at Sanshiro, he rushes over to the crowd and picks up a nearby spectator.

-Mouser: 'Scuse me, I'm just borrowing him for a while.

He then begins to throw every spectator he can get his hands on at Sanshiro. Once the spectators have been used up, Mouser begins to tear chunks out of the walls and floor around him and hurls those at Sanshiro instead. A while later, about half of the building is destroyed, and Sanshiro has disappeared under a mountain of debris, guns and dead spectators. Fryguy comes rushing onto what's left of the arena and holds up Mouser's left arm in triumph.

-Fryguy: We have a winner! Mouser has defeated every opponent with his usual flair for massive, brutal and scary destruction. In doing so, he has also saved us from being murdered by Sanshiro (well, so he did kill almost all of the crowd, but oh well). He is the champion, he's got the power! Applause, please!

The few spectators that are still alive politely clap for a while and then run off as fast as they can.

-Mouser: Yes, yes, that's very nice, but where's my prize? Give me princess Toadstool so that I can kill her!

-Fryguy: Oh well gee, where -is- the prize?

Just then a door swings open behind them and Koopa and the princess walk onto the arena.

-Koopa: There, this should be the secret exit just now. I knew I'd find it sooner or later!

-Princess: Uhh, wrong turn, Koopa.

-Koopa: Woops.

-Mouser: Ahhh, I've been waiting for this!

Mouser then takes out one more pistol and aims it at the princess.

-Princess: Shriek! Ohmigosh, Koopa, do something!

-Koopa: What?! He's a raving maniac with a gun, what can -I- do to stop him?!

-Princess: You -can- do something! Koopa, think! There is only one thing Mouser wants more in the world than my death!

-Koopa:....*gulps* You're right...I get it, leave it to me.

Koopa coughs a few times and then walks in Mouser's direction.

-Koopa: Mouser, wait a minute. As the organizer of this tournament, I'd like to personally congratulate our champion first.

-Mouser: Oh...Lord Koopa, why...*blush* I don't know what to say....

-Koopa: Don't speak, just take a good look.....Mouser, look at this!!

With those words, Koopa then performs an over-the-top high kick. Due to the Chun-Li costume he's still wearing, this allows Mouser to see Koopa's undies. A short pause follows, after which Mouser crashes to the ground with streams of blood squirting from his nose.

-Mouser: Ohhh, baby! I saw it! A frilly pink lace slip....and it was see-through! I could....just....die now....ahhh.

He then faints on the spot, and the princess then grabs Koopa and runs away with him at full pelt.

-Princess: Now let's make a run for it and save ourselves! Arrividerci, suckers!

They rush off into the distance, while the camera zooms out on the remains of the Koliseum. Fryguy's voice can still be heard.

-Fryguy: Waiiit, what about me? Don't leave me behind in this place, I'm scaaaared!

Fade out.


	13. Episode 13: Les Enfants Terribles

-Mario: They say thirteen is an unlucky number. Well, it is for you if you're reading this, because this is the Super Mario Brothers' Freaky Show!

**Episode 13: Les Enfants Terribles**

-"Plumber's log, number -50%. Our character designer has gone missing, so the characters will be designed by the dubbing mixer for this episode. Apart from that, I forgot my lines, but it makes no difference, as I don't appear until about halfway into this episode. In fact, I have nothing to say about the first half of this episode, so let's cut this nonsense out already and move on to the action. Oh, and the director has just had another collapse. He's being carried away to the hospital right now. Looks like that's another episode we'll have to shoot without him. Oh well..."

Fade in to a view of some deserted hills, where a stormy wind is howling over the rocky surface. Triclyde is standing tall in this desolate location, facing a group of shadowy figures in front of him. None of the mysterious figures' faces can be seen, but they are all wearing black capes that flutter in the harsh gusts of wind. Lefty is holding a sheet of paper between his teeth. Zoom in on this sheet of paper to reveal the following text printed out on it;

"-CHALLENGE-"

We wish to issue a challenge to the one called Triclyde, in order to fight him bare-handed. If he really thinks he's as tough as he claims to be, let him come to the Spooky Stormy Wasteland-ish Place at the beginning of this episode where we will await him. That is, if he dares....

Signed: go figure"

Clyde then looks up to the figures facing him and speaks up sternly.

-Triclyde: So, you're the ones who sent me this challenge? Just who are you anyways?

One of the cloaked figures, apparently the spokesman then steps forward and answers Clyde with these words:

-??: Our identities are irrelevant for now. As we expected, you showed up...Just to make sure, you -are- the one known as Triclyde, aren't you?

-Triclyde: No, I'm really Fidel Castro in disguise, but don't spread the word. Of course I'm Triclyde, you moron!

-??: Ho ho ho...your reactions are exactly the way we expected. You are cold, cynical, shifty and cruel. At least, that is what we concluded after our research about you. We also know that you are one of the most fervent enemies of the Koopa family. In fact, you're the only one who poses a serious threat to the Koopa empire, and that's the reason why we challenged you to a fight. You see, our goal is to eliminate the Koopa empire as well, but we will do this thoroughly. Before we launch our attack, we must be sure that we are strong enough. If we can defeat you, we'll surely have what it takes to master the Koopa forces. But moreover, with your devilish intelligence and your cunning, you could very well become a threat to us....especially since you are such a determined enemy of the Koopa clan. We can't take any risks, the first step of our operation has to be your elimination!

-Triclyde: Very well then...you've had a monologue that lasted one whole paragraph, perhaps now you'll cut the talk and get into action?

-??: I thought you'd never ask....Go!!

With those words, the mysterious figures suddenly leap forward at blinding speed, which takes Clyde by surprise.

-Lefty: *gasp* They're so quick! 

Just then, one of the cloaked figures dashes past Lefty and knocks him out with a few rapid blows.

-Lefty: Guh....I'm finished...farewell, cruel world...arrrrgh...*faints*

-Triclyde: Lefty! No way, they got Lefty before we could even fight back!

-Righty: Those guys are tough. We'd better watch it!

But at that moment, another one of Clyde's opponents pops up behind him and swiftly knocks out Righty as well.

-Righty: Gasp! Wheeze! Pant! Etcetera! *faints as well*.

-Triclyde: Righty! It's impossible, how can they defeat me so quickly?!

And finally, a group of the mysterious figures rushes towards Clyde dead-on and delivers the final blow to him. He sinks to the ground, unconscious and badly bruised. The spokesman of the cloaked geezers then stands up and sniggers.

-??: That was even more easy than we expected. Now, we're ready to take on our true goal. The Koopa empire will fall by our hands! Uh wu ha ha ha haaa!

Camera zooms out as the group of mysterious nasties laughs evilly, then fades out. Cut to a shot of Koopa's latest castle, and dissolve to a close-up of Koopa sleeping. After some snoring and mumbling (the words "want... feet licked..." can just about be picked up if you listen carefully), he wakes up and stretches a few times. He then removes the covers from the bed, revealing a trendy peach pink nightgown made of frilly lace. He looks down to his feet, which are resting on heart-shaped satin cushions. He leans forward to his feet and pats them gently, while speaking these words to them:

-Koopa: Good morning, my beauties. Did you sleep well? Ah, you're looking especially gorgeous today, my precious feet, papa is proud of you! Now, let's slip into our nice black S&M high-heel booties and force the Flurries to drool on our toes, yes? Won't that be fun? *big grin* 

Just then, a shadow pops up behind Koopa, and an angered voice pronounces these words:

-"This....is just typical. You haven't changed at all, old man...."-

-Koopa: What?? That voice! No, it couldn't be....?!

Shocked, Koopa turns around to spot the sinister cloaked figures that have just beaten up Triclyde standing by his bed. He shrieks out a girlish yelp upon seeing this. The figures then step forward and throw off their black mantles, revealing their identities; they are the seven children of Koopa, the fearsome Koopalings. 

-Koopa: I knew it, it's you! Uhm...uh...Coochy Koopa!

-Everyone: Duhhhh!!

The seven kids hurl themselves to the ground in despair. Kooky then gets up and barks angrily.

-Kooky: No, no, no, that's totally wrong!!

-Bully: His name's Kooky.

-Kooky: Shut up, imbecile! I hate that name! I'm called Ludwig von Koopa, Lud-wig! Is that so difficult to remember?!

-Bully: It was for the animators. They think my name is Bully, but I'm really called Roy. It's scandalous. Why we oughtta....

-Hip: I agree! They gave us, the handsome and dashing twins Iggy and Lemmy such pathetic names as Hip and Hop! It's almost as bad as US dubbed Pokemon renaming! How dare they?!

-Hop: And then that's not all! They made us talk in these stupid combo-sentences, and they totally screwed up our character design! I mean, look at us, we resemble a pair of chickens on speed and our luxurious multi-coloured mops of hair were plucked down to some measly stumps! What have they -done- to us?!

-Cheatsy: I'm so ashamed about what they did to my name and looks that I'll try to appear as little as possible. Oh, how woeful to think that the proud prince Larry Koopa could be reduced to such a state by inept animators.

-Bigmouth: I hate these Cleopatra eyelashes they stuck onto me, and the joke about me talking too much is rubbish. We -never- talked in the games, now did we?

-Kootie: And with the lines -they- wrote for us, we were better off not talking at all! Good thing we hunted down the imbeciles responsible for disgracing us so badly, and killed them in the slow and painful way they deserved!

-Bully: Amen to that!

With those words, he takes out a big plastic bag and empties it's contents on the floor; a heap of dirty, dusty bones, which once belonged to the animation staff behind the Koopaling's re-designs comes clattering out of the bag.

-Kooky: This is the fate that awaits everyone who treats us disrespectfully! And you will be next, old man!

He then menacingly points his finger at Koopa. Close-up of Koopa's deeply puzzled face, who is also beginning to look a little panicky.

-Koopa: Eh? What?? Oh no, don't come any closer! Aiiieeee!!

Zoom out as Koopa screams in terror, then cut to a pan around the Koopa Kafé. Fryguy is sitting by the bar, a burning cigarette between his lips. He blows out some cigarette smoke and stares at it.

-Fryguy:....Trashika, where have you disappeared to? Ever since the battle at the Koopa Koliseum, she hasn't shown up at all. But....

He has a short flashback to the scene where Triclyde, in his battle mech was easily defeated by Sanshiro.

-Fryguy...Triclyde, I just can't get used to the idea that -you- were Trashika all along. 

At that moment, Mouser slanters onto the scene and leans over the bar, addressing these words to the bartender.

-Mouser: The usual, and make it quick.

Clawgrip, who also runs the bar when he's not on cooking duties hurriedly scuttles off and brings Mouser a large glass filled with a funky-colored liquid.

-Mouser: Ahh, a gin'n nitro, I was dying for that.

He quickly downs the glass, and then looks over to Fryguy. A sneaky smirk appears on his face as he leans over to Fryguy and speaks these words to him;

-Mouser: Say, have you heard the news about the ugly grool you had the hots for? That Trashika?

-Fryguy: What, you have news about her?! Oh, I hope it's not scary!

-Mouser: From my point of view, it's very good news. She was fired three days ago, thought I'd let you know.

A large comedy axe with the word "FIRED!" carved in it's blade crashes down into Fryguy's skull. He then looks up forlornly with big, watery eyes.

-Fryguy: Fired? Miss Trashika got the sack?

-Mouser: Yup, she never showed up during any operations. During the Koopa Kombat tournament, she was nowhere to be found either. Lord Koopa figured that was the last straw and kicked her out. See, he's really a man of fine intellect and good taste. Ahh...*big sigh* what a guy, he has -everything- for him!

-Fryguy: I...I can't believe it....

-Mouser: Well, you'd better. Her replacement has even been taken care of.

-Fryguy: Hmm...I wonder who they'll use to replace her?

At that point, Lakitu suddenly pops up behind Fryguy with a casual mumble of "yo".

-Fryguy: Heeyaaaargh! You scared me half to death! And just when I've run outta smokes! Clawgrip, bring me another pack of Camels, quickly!

Clawgrip pops by and dumps a pack of ciggies before Fryguy. He immediately lights the whole lot of them and begins to smoke them up.

-Clawgrip: You smoke too much.

-Fryguy: But I need to now, I was so scared! It's such a shock to find out Lakitu was chosen to replace Miss Trashika!

-Lakitu: Nevertheless, that's the way it is. But that's not the best part, if you want really shocking, here's some news for you...

-Fryguy: No, don't tell me, I'm scared as it is!

-Mouser: I want to know what it is. Lay it on us, Lakitu.

-Fryguy: *in a low voice* Mouser, you dirty bastard....

-Lakitu: Well, it's like this. Just this morning, Lord Koopa's kids have popped by and...

-Mouser & Fryguy: His kids?!!

-Lakitu: Yes, all seven of them. Anyway, they've come to...

-Mouser: Oh my, this is....I didn't know Lord Koopa and I have had children! My god, that means I'm a father? I'm...I'm a daddy?!

-Lakitu: Don't freak out, you're not the father. What I'm trying to say is...

-Mouser: Oh well, then I'll be the mother, it's all the same to me. Oh, it's wonderful, Lord Koopa and I have had children! I've got go see my babies! Mommy's comiiing!

Mouser stampedes off immediately, ignoring Lakitu's words.

-Lakitu: Hey, wait a minute, come back!

-Fryguy: No use talking to him, he doesn't listen when he gets Lord Koopa on the brain.

-Lakitu: This might go very, very wrong. I never got to tell him that those seven kids are definitely -not- friendly.

-Fryguy: Hm? What makes you think that?

-Lakitu: Well, they annihilated 75% of our troops on their way in and proclaimed loud and clear that they're here on a revenge mission.

-Fryguy: Uh-oh, and now Mouser thinks he's their mother (somehow)....this is going to get scary! Eep, I can't stand it!

Fade out and cut back to a shot in Koopa's quarters. The seven Koopalings have tied him to a chair and are standing around him with nasty grins.

-Koopa: But why? I don't understand why you're doing this to your very own father!

-Kooky: Hah! Father? That's a joke, you've always been a terrible father! You never even wanted to have children, the only reason you had us was because you kept frolicking around with whomever you caught sight of, and when you got stuck with children, you had no idea to how to handle them!

-Bigmouth: You never gave a damn about us at all! You care more for your feet than for us! The only reason you allowed us to appear in a few measly games was so you could use us as weapons against Mario! You've always used us for your own selfish ends!

-Koopa: That's not true at all! Don't you remember, I paid for exclusive piano lessons for Kootie.

-Kootie: Don't play innocent! We know that you only gave me piano lessons because you fancied the piano teacher!

-Koopa: Well, she was good-looking, and I do admire a musical woman....

-Cheatsy: And that's not all! The only reason you arranged for tennis lessons for us was so that you could make a pass at our tennis instructor!

-Koopa: I also admire athletic men...especially blond ones, you know.

-Bully: And it gets worse! The only reason you bought me a puppy dog when I turned five was because....

-Kooky: Yes, I don't think we should drag the tragic puppy dog episode into this. Suffice to say that you forced us to grow up in very traumatizing conditions! But now that we're old enough to fend for ourselves, we've completed a long and harsh training voyage after which we're strong enough to finally make you pay!

-Bigmouth: Now you just stay right here, old man, and we'll be back very soon. You're going to -love- the next part of our cruel and twisted vengeance!

The seven walk away with sinister chuckles, leaving Koopa behind. He speaks these words to himself;

-Koopa: Oh no, this is bad! They're going to do terrible things to me! But I still have a chance...

With his foot he begins to reach towards his cellular phone, lying on his desk. After a long struggle, he grabs the device and activates it.

-Koopa: For the love of God, let this work....

Cut to a shot inside princess Toadstool's castle. Her telephone rings, and she picks it up.

-Princess: If it's the Telecom service customer poll -again-, go shoot yourselves!

But from the other end, Koopa's voice is faintly heard.

-Koopa: No, it's me. Something terrible has happened! I'm under attack! Listen, you've got to go to my castle and bring your plumber posse along. They're the only ones who can beat my enemies! Please hurry, the situation is desperate here!

-Princess: Koopa? What's going on? What's the matter?

-Koopa: They're coming back, I can't talk anymore. But you must hurry! Save me from their claws with your Mario gang! That's my only chance!

Quickly cut to a shot of Koopa who spits out the phone he was holding between his teeth, just as his children come back. They haven't noticed what has just happened, as their arms are loaded with enormous heaps of clothes.

-Kooky: There, we're back. We just popped round your wardrobe for a quick look around.

-Koopa: Whaaat?! No way, you wouldn't dare touch my outfits!

-Hip: We know that's your prime weak spot, so we'll surely abuse of it. Do you remember that trend in the sixties where people used to burn their bras?

-Koopa: No...no, you wouldn't dare!

-Hop: Watch us!

Bully then holds up a large, pale blue lace bra and takes out a cigarette lighter. Kookie then speaks up to Koopa.

-Kookie: Right, now we're going to play a game, old man. And it won't include any foot-licking. Instead, this is the game of Not Telling Too Many Lies Anymore.

-Koopa: Gulp...I don't like the sound of that....

-Bully: Stop complaining and obey us! Now, if you don't tell us what we want to know, the bra gets it!

-Koopa: No, I beg of you, don't burn it! That's a genuine Tati brand! I got it in their summer sale!

-Bully: Well, it all depends on you, old man. Now tell me, who is my mother?

-Koopa: Eh?? Oh, uhm...well, I don't really remember...

-Bigmouth: Shame on you! You really don't give a damn about us at all! That's the last straw. Bully, burn the bra!

-Koopa: No, wait! Give me a chance, I'll try to remember! Uhm...maybe it was that waitress...or that fortune teller or....uhm...

-Bully: You can't even remember. Right, the bra gets it. And the stockings will be next!

-Koopa: Noooo! Have mercy, pleeeease!

Cut to a close-up of Bully's cigarette lighter menacingly nearing the bra he's holding up, while some sinister music plays. But suddenly, Mouser's voice interrupts this scene with the following shout.

-Mouser: My baaaabies!

-Everyone: Eh?

Mouser rushes into the room with a huge grin and begins to huggle each of the seven slightly astonished children.

-Mouser: Ohhh, mommy has missed you soooo much! I'm so happy to have you back, my little angels! 

-Kootie: Who the hell is this maniac?

-Mouser: What?? Oh....oh, that's terrible. You mean to say...you don't remember your own mother anymore? *eyes brimming with tears* How terribly tragic....

-Bigmouth: Do you think this finally solves the eternal mystery of our mother's true identity?

-Kootie: Naah, that can't be our mother. That's a guy.

-Cheatsy: But modern science stands for nothing, and nor does our father. I mean, you know how he does the most outrageously freaky things, so maybe he -did- make a man pregnant somehow....

-Kooky: And now that you mention it, our writers do pull such feats of reality-twisting as inverting the laws of gravity and give characters the ability to breathe in space and under water...so anything -is- possible.

-Everyone: Hmmm......

Mouser the ruins their pensive mood by picking up Bully, Bigmouth and Cheatsy and cheerfully stampeding off with them while pronouncing these words:

-Mouser: Now, let's do loads of those parent-sibling things we need to catch up on! Sorry, but I can't take out all seven of you in one go, but I promise I'll have loads of fun with the other four when I'm back! Just play with your father in the meantime, okay?

-Kooky: We were playing a game with him, yes.

Mouser stands still and contemplates the scene. He finally notices how Koopa is tied to a chair and heaps of clothes litter the area. 

-Mouser: *big grin* Oh yes, your father -does- like those kind of games. Be right back!

He then rushes away with the three children he had grabbed, leaving the others behind, slightly bewildered.

-Kootie: What in the world was that all about?

-Hip: Was that person really our mother?

-Hop: Or has something really freakish just happened?

While Mouser drags the three boys away with him, he smirks and thinks these words to himself:

-Mouser: Lord Koopa's children! I couldn't have hoped for a better opportunity! All I need to do is get in these kids' good books so that they will want me as a parent, and they will bring me closer to Lord Koopa! I can finally get my hands on Lord Koopa via his children! Brilliant!

He rushes out of the castle, dragging the three still-dumbfounded boys behind him. Fade out and cut to a shot of Mario, Yoshi and Toad standing around the princess, in the main hall of the Mushroom castle.

-Mario: Whaaat?! Koopa is preparing a deadly secret weapon?! I won't allow him! Princess, we're going in there to kick his arse! Let's move out!

-Yoshi, Toad & princess: Okay!

Mario walks over to a closet, opens it's doors and pulls out Luigi who had been stored there among such other objects as brooms and buckets. Meanhwile, the princess turns away and sniggers nastily to herself:

-Princess: Nya ha ha, lucky Mario is so dumb! He fell for my stupid story about Koopa building a secret weapon, now he's coming with me to Koopa's fort, and with his strength and brute violence, we'll beat those intruders that are bothering my Koopa-honeybuns! Nevertheless....I'm worried about these invaders Koopa called about. If his last resource is to call on Mario, it may be pretty bad...

Fade out and cut to a view of Mouser with the three Koopa boys in tow. They're strolling through the streets of a nearby small town. Mouser grins widely and adresses these words to them:

-Mouser: And now, my dear boys, let's have loads of fun!

-Cheatsy: No offense man, but this is just another boring small town with badly-drawn blokeys in it. Doesn't look like much of a hot-spot to me.

-Mouser: Don't worry, that makes no difference! Look closely; do you see that old man over there in a wheelchair, who is also totally deaf and half blind?

He points to a small old man in the distance, and the three boys take a look.

-Bigmouth: Oh, the animators made a colouring error on that old man's left arm.

-Mouser: Now, observe....

Mouser then takes out a rocket launcher and fires it in the direction of the poor pensioner. With a loud explosion and a yelp of despair, the old man is flung away into the distance.

-Mouser: Heh heh, wasn't that groovy? 

-Bully: But...but that is....

-Cheatsy: That's a rocket launcher of the Mountain Eagle 02 type, standard issue heavy artillery, code number 004384!

-Bigmouth: Cooool.....

-Cheatsy: Muh...mister Mouser! Please!

-Mouser: Oh no, don't call me mister, you really shouldn't! Please call me mommy!

-Cheatsy: Anything you say, but please, pleeease, let us have a go with that rocket launcher!

-Bully: It's sooo cooool!

-Mouser: Oh, if you like that, there's plenty more. Let's see now...

Mouser begins to empty his pockets, producing masses of weaponry of several types:

-Mouser: Deer hunting rifle, flame thrower, Mag 60, lightweight UZI, rapid-fire machine gun, sniper rifle, and a few odds and ends.

-Bully, Bigmouth & Cheatsy: Cooool!!

-Bigmouth: And...and will you let us use these? Please?

-Mouser: Please who?

-Bully, Bigmouth & Cheatsy: Please, mom! Mommy darling! We lurve you, mommy!

-Mouser: Of course, my little sweethearts! Go ahead and play with all the guns you like!

-Bully, Bigmouth & Cheatsy: Yahooo!!

The three boys pick up armfuls of guns and immediately set about destroying the entire town. Buildings go up in flames, people scream in agony as bursts of chaingun fire rip through them and bullets tear through the air all over the place. Mouser contemplates this violent scene with a serene smile on his face.

-Mouser: That's my boys. Hmmm, they're really so cute.

He then notices one last bazooka lying at his feet. He picks up the weapon

-Mouser: *sigh* Why not, I could do with some gratuitous mass destruction of my own.

He then fires the bazooka into a nearby building, which is reduced to rubble immediately. Zoom out of the town that is being blown to smithereens and fade out. Cut back to a shot in Koopa's castle. Koopa is still tied to the chair, with his four remaining children menacingly surrounding him.

-Kooky: Now then, let's pick up our little game again, shall we?

-Koopa: Oh no, I beg of you! Leave my poor clothes alone!

-Kooky: Heh, not a chance, old man.

But just as Kooky is about to make a grab for a pair of leopard-print tights, Fryguy and Lakitu come running in.

-Lakitu: Milord! It's an emergency! We're under attack from Mario and his cohorts!

-Fryguy: It's so scaryyy! What should we do?!

-Kooky: What was that you said? Mario's here?!

-Lakitu: Yes, and that's not all! But...wait a minute, why is Lord Koopa tied to a chair, and what are all his clothes doing here? Is something going on here?

-Koopa: Yes, there is! These brats have...

-Kooky: Silence! Flunkies! If we're under attack, why are you whimpering around here?! Get out there and fight!

-Fryguy: But I always just whimper around! I'm scared!

-Kooky: *thundering voice* Do not contradict me!!

-Fryguy: Eeeek!

Terrified, Fryguy and Lakitu run off. Kootie then speaks up.

-Kootie: This might be troublesome. Our stupid father's servants won't be up to the job, that's for sure. I'd better go there as well and take Hip and Hop along. Let's kick some Mario arse!

-Hip: My thoughts exactly!

-Hop: We'll show you how it's done, old man!

Cut to a shot of the Mario gang just inside the castle's main hall, surrounded by Koopa Troopas.

-Mario: Ho hum, surrounded by Troopas again. But that's no reason to worry.

Mario leisurely strolls up to one of the Troopas and takes out a chainsaw. All this time, the Troopa doesn't budge an inch, he doesn't do so much as blink, he just stands there and stares. Mario revs up his chainsaw, and once it's running at full whack, he neatly slices the Troopa in two pieces. He does the same to all the surrounding Troopas who never even move in the slightest.

-Toad: Ah, for once the crappy quality of the animation works to our advantage! Our animators never could remember to time the movements of the Troopas in a convincing way.

-Princess: Yah, they always just stand there and let Mario kill them.

-"It won't be so easy to deal with us!!"-

-Princess: Huh??

Lakitu and Fryguy have appeared on the scene, and Lakitu immediately throws a few spiked balls at the Mario group. However, Yoshi catches these with his tongue and spits them back. Lakitu is hit by his own projectiles and passes out.

-Lakitu: Bummer....so much for my first fight scene....*faints*

-Fryguy: No way! What should I do now?! I'm so scaaared! 

-Mario: Heh heh, it's beating up the wimps that makes working on this show so much fun!

But Fryguy takes out his Kaleido Moon Smoke and sort of tries to look tough.

-Fryguy: Don't come any closer! I'll order Kurama and Hiei to attack if you take another step!

-Mario: Oh, suuuure.

-Fryguy: Nooo, it's not fair! It's too scaryyyy! Eeeeh!

Before Mario can throw a punch at Fryguy, he faints on his own accord, and Mario looks a bit dissappointed. But just then, the sound of footsteps is heard, and Hip and Hop arrive on the scene. They immediately start to do over-the-top poses.

-Hip: For hate and injustice!

-Hop: The spiky-shelled Koopa Senshi!

-Hip: Iggy and Lemmy!

-Hop: Or, in the twisted views of the animators, Hip and Hop (oh, gimme a break). And in name of the Koop....

-Hip & Hop: We'll punish you!

-Mario: *sigh* It's sad, but this is what internationally famous shojo anime series do to young people. Time to put a halt to this! To take out two enemies in one go, I have just the thing!

Mario then takes out Luigi and brandishes him over his head. He slowly begins to bend Luigi, while the sinister sounds of breaking bones and agonised screams can be heard. Once Luigi is bent into a V shape, Mario chucks his mutilated brother into the air, and he swishes at the two Koopalings like a boomerang, knocking them both unconscious. He then comes sailing back into Mario's hand, who poses proudly.

-Mario: The new and extra-brutal Luigi Boomerang Deluxe! Shudder in terror, simple mortals!

However, Kootie's voice then cuts into the scene as she walks in via a large door.

-Kootie: You'll have to do better then that to get past me! As I expected, my stupid brothers failed hopelessly, but I'm different! I'm the real deal, now eat it!

She takes off her two bracelets, and they turn into hovering, glowing buzzsaw blades which she begins to chuck around the room. Cut to a few rapid still-shots of Mario and co barely avoiding these deadly projectiles.

-Toad: No way! This one's tough!

-Yoshi: What should we do? Those buzzsaws don't look tasty at all!

-Princess: Mario, listen! We can't lose time here, so I'll leave you to fight her off, while I go and sabotage that secret weapon thingy of Koopa! I'm counting on you!

Before anyone can react, the princess dashes off in fast-forward, leaving the others a little astonished.

-Toad: The princess actually undertakes action on her own account and -gets it right-?? That's not like her at all...something's fishy about this.

-Yoshi: Whoah, watch out!

They duck out of the way just as another one of Kootie's bracelet-buzzsaws swishes past them.

-Kootie: Ha ha ha! You won't beat me, you morons!

-Mario: We really are in it deep this time....

Cut to a shot of the princess, who has made her way to Koopa's room by now. She spots Koopa, tied to a chair on his own.

-Princess: Koopa!

-Koopa: No, don't come any closer, it's dangerous!

Kooky then appears from behind Koopa, grinning meanly.

-Kooky: Ah, we were expecting you, princess. It will be my pleasure to brutally kill you in front of my cretinous father's eyes! It will be the best punishment for the rotten childhood he put us through!

-Princess: Oh no...no way! I'm doomed now!

But just then, a loud rumble is heard, and the wall next to the princess caves in. Mouser comes striding in, with the other Koopalings in tow. He chucks a few figures onto the floor in front of him. These are revealed to be Mario Yoshi and Toad, all severely beaten up. Mouser is hissing in anger and covered in sweat and swollen blood vessels. He points to the battered and bruised Hip and Hop who have just regained consciousness and are leaning onto the shoulders of their brothers for support. Mouser almost screams hysterically when he speaks up:

-Mouser: You....You've hurt my children! You sorry bitch! I'm going to tear all the flesh from your damned bones!!

-Princess: Uh oh....

-Koopa: Princess! This is our chance! Quickly, you must activate the control panel of the security cameras!

-Bigmouth: Security cameras?

-Cheatsy: Oh shit! We forgot to take those out!

The princess rapidly jumps to a control panel on the other side of the room and presses a button marked "replay".

-Koopa: Mouser, look well at this!

On the screen of Koopa's large TV, the feedback from the castle's security cams begins to play. Close-up of Mouser's face as the light from the screen reflects in his eyes and the truth about the motives that drove the Koopalings are revealed to him. He slowly turns to the seven children, as flames of rage smolder in the background....

-Bully:....Uh-oh.

Cut to a shot of Triclyde, covered in plasters and bandages. Lefty is entirely covered in white bandages and Righty is holding a walking stick in his jaws. Clyde is slowly edging forward.

-Triclyde: Damn those little bastards! I'll get them yet! We should be at Koopa's castle soon.

-Lefty: Hummmph! Mumble! Mmmmpph!

-Triclyde: You, zip it. Nobody messes with me like that!

He has now made his way to a cliff from which Koopa's castle can be seen in the distance.

-Righty: But, can we beat them with all our wounds, Clyde?

-Triclyde: We won't be surprised a second time! We're going to smash their faces in!

But then, the whole area begins to tremble, and violent crashes can be heard coming from the castle.

-Righty: Unless someone's beaten us to it....

-Lefty: Muhm muhmmmf?

At that very moment, the whole castle explodes in a violent column of flames and debris start to fly around everywhere, blowing Triclyde off his cliff with a surprised yelp. Cut to a shot of Mouser, standing in the middle of this explosion with a smoking gun five times his own size clutched in his hands.

-Mouser: Damned little two-timing brats! That'll show them for being mean to my Lord Koopa! Damn, I hate children! I hate theeeem!

The seven Koopalings have been flung high into the air by the explosion. Cut to a shot of Bigmouth, soaring through the air.

-Bigmouth: We messed up! Bummer, I wanted to play with the cool guns some more!

The seven soar off into the distance with a loud scream. Camera then moves down to show Koopa and the princess, who have landed some distance away from the explosion site, and Koopa has passed out from this blast.

-Princess: Koopa, wake up already! Explain this to me! What the hell was this mess with your children about?! Koopa, answer me!

-Koopa: Hmmm....mumble...I...want my feet licked....mummmble...zzzz

-Princess: *sigh* Koopa, you will -never- change...

Fade out.


	14. Episode 14: A Night in the Haunted Fores...

-Mario: We're halfway through the series! Things can only get worse from now on. That's the way things work on the Super Mario Brothers' Freaky Show!

**Episode 14: A Night in the Haunted ****Forest****!**

"Plumber's log, number B. Frankly, I don't see why they insist on putting in one of these stupid plumber's log bit here, as I'll hardly appear at all in this episode. In fact, these may be my only lines for the whole episode, so I had better make them count! Uhm...well, anyway, plumbers don't really keep logs, do they? Why would a plumber want to chop down a tree and keep the log? That makes no sense at all, does it? Oh well, on with the nonsense and chaos..."

Fade in to a shot of a large touring bus rolling over a road in the lush green mountains, with acres of lofty mountain pinewood forest visible in the distance. Zoom in to reveal that the emblem of the Koopa empire is printed on the side of this bus. Cut to a shot inside the bus. Clawgrip is driving, holding the steering wheel between his pincers and with a bus driver's cap on his head.

-Clawgrip: Hrrrrmph, why do I always get such lousy jobs?

Just then, Koopa pops up wearing an air hostess' uniform. He's holding a microphone through which he addresses the other passengers of the bus; a selection of various Koopa flunkies including his most loyal servants:

-Koopa: Hiii, everyone! As you can see, we are now in the beautiful region of the Leonidas Valley! In about one hour, we will have reached our destination. For one week, you will be training in these invigorating natural conditions to improve your combat skills, soldiers! Please put your full force into this training camp voyage! And now, to kill time before we arrive, I will sing some songs from my repertoire!

-Clawgrip: Gasp!! The earplugs, quick!

Koopa then begins to croon into the microphone, while making many elaborate poses:

-Koopa: Ahhh, I won't lose! Shine on my path, Footsie Star! All the way! Head for tomorrow on your Footsie Wings! These feet will take me until the end of the galaxyyyyy!

Camera pans around the interior of the bus as Koopa's dreadful singing continues. On the seats, several Koopa Troopas, Shy-guys and Goombas are sitting with agonised expressions on their faces. Among the passengers, there are also Mouser and Lakitu. Mouser leans forward and sighs longingly at Koopa's cacophony.

-Mouser: Ahhh, Lord Koopa....what a marvellous voice.

-Lakitu: You mean to say you actually -like- this foot-induced interpretation of Sailor Star Song he's blurbing out?

-Mouser: Of course I do! The soft, melodic sound of his voice....and he looks so damn hot in that hostess costume! I could just die!

-Lakitu: *muttering* This guy's more flipped than I first thought. *out loud* Oh well, I suppose it's nice to get back to nature for a week...

-Mouser: It's not for relaxation that we're coming here, this is a training voyage! We need to train hard during a whole week in the forest!

-Lakitu: Yeah, okay, Lord Koopa did decide that we could use some training after we failed so badly to hold off the attack from his children just a month ago. But don't count on anyone taking this training excuse seriously. Everyone seems to treat this like an amusing field trip.

Indeed, the Koopa flunkies in the bus are happily exchanging snacks, silly books and soft drugs (the occasional Game Boy as well, and an XXX magazine here and there), chatting away leisurely now that Koopa's disastrous singing has died down.

-Mouser: Okay, so everyone thinks it's a funny field trip. That is, everyone except Fryguy....

Mouser and Lakitu turn around, and the camera zooms out to reveal Fryguy, seated in the back of the bus, with a huge cloud of cigarette smoke surrounding him. His mouth is stuffed with ciggies, and he bravely tries to fight back his shivers and tears as he speaks these words to himself.

-Fryguy: I'm so...so scared! A whole week in that scary forest?! I'll just die, I know I will! Loads of scary things are bound to happen! I...I won't cry! I'm a big boy, I musn't cry in front of everyone! But I'm just sooo scaaaared!

Mouser and Lakitu look at each other and snigger slightly at Fryguy's ineptitude. Cut to a shot of the bus rolling down a road with the mountain forests in the background...Zoom out and cut to a shot of Triclyde on top of one of these mountains, overlooking the forests below him.

-Triclyde: Hmmm, so this is the place, the Leonidas Valley. We're almost there now...

-Righty: Clyde, are you totally sure about this? What we're trying to do seems a bit far-fetched.

-Triclyde: Of course I'm sure! I am an evil genius of the highest order, I know what I'm doing! Now let's get a move on, we need to find the Cote D'or Forest.

-Lefty: It should be dead ahead, down into that valley.

-Triclyde: Excellent...if we succeed in this operation, the Koopa forces, and anyone else on this planet will have to bow to my supremacy! Hu wa ha ha ha ha!

Fade out and cut to a shot of the Koopa bus parked in front of an old-looking chalet. Koopa and all the others have gotten out of the bus and are addressing a small old man standing in front of them. The old geezer in question is called Godiva, and he's the owner of the chalet behind them.

-Godiva: So, you must be the people that phoned me about staying here. Welcome to the Leonidas Valley, then. I'm Godiva, and this is the Godiva House chalet. I have all your rooms ready, thanks for staying with us.

-Koopa: Great! Okay boys, you have one hour to unpack and settle into your rooms, after that we'll begin the training!

-Godiva: One more thing, breakfast is every morning at eight, and over to the left is a path leading to the hot springs. As for dinner, it's served at...

-Koopa: Hang on, there are hot springs here? No kidding? Oh boy, I had no idea!

-Godiva: Yup, we have hot springs. That mountain over there....

He points to a large, dark grey mountain in the distance while saying this.

-Godiva: That's Mount Neuhaus, the volcano.

-Fryguy: A volcano?! Yeeek, that's scaryyy!!

-Godiva: Don't panic, Mount Neuhaus has been entirely inactive for years. But the underground lava currents still warm the water, so there are plenty of thermal pools near the volcano. They're called the Neuhaus Springs and are a popular resort here.

-Koopa: That's just so cool! I've always wanted to take a foot-bath in thermal water, I hear it's very good for the toes! Allright boys, after you training, we'll head for the hot springs this evening!

-Everyone: Yaaaayy!!

Cut to a shot of Koopa's flunkies standing in line, all dressed in boy-scout uniforms. Koopa is standing in front of them, also dressed in boy-scout attire. He looks up sternly and addresses these words to his servants:

-Koopa: Right, you all know that this is not supposed to be a mere pleasure trip, we're here to train! Almost each one of you has performed very poorly when we were invaded by my seven wicked children, I won't have any more of that! To be ready for the many trials that we'll face, you must improve your skills with extensive training! Now then, Clawgrip will supervise your trainings, I need to go and put nail polish on my toenails. I'll see you this evening at the Neuhaus Springs. Until then, work hard and make full use of this training opportunity in rough natural conditions!

Koopa then rushes off muttering something about his toenails, which can barely be heard, as Mouser exclaims at that moment:

-Mouser: So cooool! Lord Koopa is just to -die- for when he speaks in a stern and commanding tone! And that boy-scout costume! Oh man, I can't believe how -short- his shorts were! Ohhh, baby!

-Lakitu: Mouser, get a grip. If you get any more aroused, they might have to digital blur your crotch area.

-Mouser: Hrmph, digital blur my arse!

-Lakitu: Exactly.

-Fryguy: But why did he have to take us to this forest for training? This place is scary!

-Clawgrip: Will you lot listen to me, dammit?!

-Fryguy: Eek! Don't yell, it's scary!

Clawgrip has taken Koopa's place as the main spokesman and speaks these words to the group of Koopa flunkies:

-Clawgrip: Now that I seem to have your attention, let me begin. You will be assigned various tasks to do, which will test your physical strength and combat skills. Come back to the Godiva House once you have finished. Now, I'll hand out the descriptions of your assignments. Please form small groups to do these assignments.

The flunkies grumble a bit and then start to form groups of three or four while Clawgrip hands out papers to each group on which their assignments are written out. Some gasps and exclamations can be heard as the Koopa minions read their assignments. Mouser, Lakitu and Fryguy have gathered in one group, and Lakitu is looking over their assignment paper.

-Fryguy: Oh no, I hope we don't have to do anything scary!

-Lakitu: Nah, it could be worse, our job is to go to the Cote D'or Forest and chop down wood for the log fires at the Godiva House. They want us to chop down as many trees as possible within one hour.

-Mouser: Hah! That's easy! Leave it to me guys, this'll be a walk in the park! Let's get moving!

-Lakitu: Wait, wait! It's now time for the tacky insert song of the week!

-Fryguy: Ooohhhh...

-Lakitu: And for this episode, it's "Give a Reason" by Megumi Hayashibara!

-Fryguy: Really? But how can such a zero-budget show as ours afford the royalties for a song by Japan's most famous voice actress?

-Lakitu: Well, we can't so we didn't. But this show is so cruddy it's illegal according to worldwide standards of good taste as it is, so it doesn't matter. Let's get to work now.

"Give a Reason" begins to play as the groups of Koopa minions head out into the forest. During the insert song, various clips are shown of the flunkies doing their assignments.

-Clip 1: A group of three Shy-guys stands by a waterfall. The middle Shy-guy reads out their paper.

-Shy-Guy: Allright, our assignment is to swim up the Droste waterfall! Let's go, guys!

The three Shy-guys jump into the waterfall, but despite their brave arm-wriggling, they are immediately swept away by it's thundering force. They disappear into the watery depths with shrieks of despair. 

-Clip 2: A group of three Goombas is shown running through the forest. They are being chased by an enraged grizzly bear who roars frighteningly. One of the Goombas gasps these phrases while running:

-Some Goomba: Just our luck! We just had to get the assignment to "kill the mean and bloodthirsty psycho grizzly bear Ritter Sport!" We stand no chance against him!

-Some Other Goomba: No use complaining about it, just keep running!

The Goombas continue to run away from the bear Ritter Sport, until suddenly, the forest thicket clears up, and the Goombas find that they have run into a gaping chasm. They plummet to their deaths with long screams, and the grizzly Ritter Sport also falls down the chasm to a violent meeting with the harsh rocks below.

-Clip 3: Mouser, Lakitu and Fryguy are standing amidst the tall trees of the Cote D'or Forest. An axe is lying on the ground before them.

-Lakitu: Right, this must be the place. They've provided the axe, let's get chopping.

-Mouser: I don't need an axe! Those trees stand no chance against me! The sight of Lord Koopa in those sexy shorts has filled me with the strength of burning passion!

-Lakitu: Can't you just say you're turned on like everyone else?

-Fryguy: Mouser scares me when he acts like this!

-Mouse: Right, here I go! Timbeeeeer!

He then begins to punch down every tree in his vicinity. Switch to some rapid still-shots of Mouser punching and kicking down trees or ripping them out of the ground with his bare hands. While this chaos is going on, Lakitu and Fryguy sit down on the grass. Lakitu takes out a can of lemon tea, and Fryguy takes out a pack of Marlboros.

-Lakitu: Hmmm, the tranquility of the forest....

Mouser rushes past in the background, karate-chopping down trees with loud, crashing noises.

-Fryguy:...is totally knackered.

Cut to a shot of Clawgrip outside the Godiva House, as the insert song fades out. He looks around a bit and mutters to himself;

-Clawgrip: They've been gone for well over an hour now (even though it was just a few minutes worth of screen time) and none of them are back so far...I had warned Lord Koopa that some of these assignments might have been a bit too harsh. I just hope that we won't end up killing all our soldiers instead of training them!

Just then, some bushes rustle in the background, and Mouser's voice is heard:

-Mouser: Oiii, crabby guy! Is this enough wood for ya?

-Clawgrip: Whoaaaahh!!

Clawgrip freaks out as the camera travels around a shot of Mouser who is carrying a huge stash of entire trees on his shoulders, with Lakitu and Fryguy behind him, looking a bit sheepish.

-Clawgrip: Thank you, that's...err....very good work, boys. Put the wood down there, you may go and rest now.

Mouser dumps the stack of wood onto the ground with a loud wham, and the three of them head into the Godiva House, while Clawgrip silently shakes his head over this display of bizarrity. Fade out and cut to a shot of a very travel-stained Triclyde, who is having difficulties making his way through the thick Cote D'or forest. 

-Righty: Clyde, we've been ambling around in this forest for ages, we can't get any more lost than this. What should we do?

-Lefty: I have an idea! A very good idea!

-Triclyde: Very well, let's hear it...

-Lefty: Let's just forget the whole thing and head back home!

-Triclyde: No! That is an absolutely rubbish idea! Now pull yourselves together, boys! We're going through with this, the shrine has -got- to be around here somewhere.

-Righty: *groan of agony* How miserable. The sun's already setting, and we -still- haven't found that stupid shrine...

Zoom out to a shot of the sun setting over the lofty forests of the Leonidas Valley, then cut to a shot of the Neuhaus Springs hot-springs resort area. Mouser, Lakitu and Clawgrip have installed themselves in a large pool of thermal water, with warm steam bubbling up from the water. Mouser leans back in the water, resting his shoulders against the rocky edge of the pool and sighs.

-Mouser: This sure is nice...

-Lakitu: Right, this thermal water is so soothing.

-Mouser: No, I meant it's nice that I finally get a bathing scene. I deserve it after all, being this series' most page space-hogging character. Not to mention that I have the best build of any cast member on this show as well.

-Clawgrip: I feel as if I'm a boiled lobster....

-Lakitu: Fryguy, won't you come into the water? It's not deep and there are no sharks, you don't need to be scared!

Zoom out to reveal that Fryguy's standing by the pool's edge, giving the water some nervous looks every now and then.

-Fryguy: Noooo! I don't want to! If I fall into the water, I'll die! Stop talking about such scary things!

-Mouser: Oh, don't tell me a big boy like you is afraid of a little water? Hmmm?

With a mocking smirk, Mouser splashes a handful of water in Fryguy's direction, who dives out of the way with a piercing shriek of horror. This causes his comrades in the spring water to laugh out loud.

-Fryguy: You lot are so mean! You're always picking on me!

-Lakitu: We can't help it, you're too much of an easy target to resist. Just about anything can freak you out.

-Fryguy: But you guys, I'm telling you, something scary really is going on here! Ever since we arrived in this forest, I've had the feeling as if we're not alone here. Don't you get that eery feeling that someone is watching us?

A short silence follows. Mouser, Lakitu and Clawgrip then slowly turn to Fryguy.

-All three: Naaahhh.

-Fryguy: Well, I'm sure -somebody- is out there....it's very scary, I tell you!

-Clawgrip: What you're saying is ridiculous. There is nobody spying on us.

-Lakitu: And if there was, that'd just make him a perverted peeping Tom.

-Clawgrip: Speaking of which, why did Lord Koopa go off to another pool?

-Lakitu: He wanted a thermal pool all to himself so he could take an extensive foot-bath.

-Mouser: Hmm, maybe I should go over there? He might need some extra soap!

-Lakitu: You just -never- lay off...

Fade out and cut to a shot of Koopa and the boys around a large campfire just outside the Godiva House. Clawgrip is roasting some marshmallows over the fire and turns to Fryguy, who is timidly holding a stick with some marshmallows impaled on it.

-Clawgrip: Aren't you going to roast your marshmallows?

-Fryguy: I...I would, but I don't want to get so close to the fire. It's scary...

At the other end of the fire, Koopa is telling an extremely drawn-out story. Mouser is listening with utmost fascination, while everyone else just looks bored.

-Koopa:...And another thing is, when you use after-shave on your feet, make sure you don't forget the space between the toes. But you don't want to put too much lotion there, as that's a very sensitive area. But use plenty just underneath the big toe and around the heel!

-Mouser: Ohh, how fascinating! Lord Koopa, I could listen to you all night!

-Lakitu: I get a feeling he -will- babble on about his feet all the blummin' night. He's been going on like this for an hour!....But, where did mister Godiva go?

Cut to a shot of Godiva, who is standing a short distance away from the campfire. He looks up to the sky pensively.

-Godiva: How strange, all the sounds of the forest are dying down. Maybe something is about to happen....?

A flock of birds then flies overhead, squawking loudly. Looking out over the forests, several groups of birds can be seen, disappearing into the sky.

-Godiva: All the birds are fleeing, that's a bad sign. It almost looks as if....Marcolini, could it be you?

Cut to a close-up of Godiva's eyes who narrow themselves in suspense.

-Godiva: That....would be the worst possible thing.

Fade out and cut to a shot of the Godiva House. It's deep night by now, but the lights are still burning behind the chalet's windows. Cut to a shot of one of the sleeping chambers. Fryguy, Clawgrip, Lakitu and Mouser are installed in individual beds, but none of them display any intention of going to sleep. Clawgrip is holding a book between his pincers and reading through it.

-Clawgrip: Ha ha ha ha! This manga is so funny, I could just kill myself laughing!

-Lakitu: Go ahead, do us all a favor....

-Clawgrip: Ha ha ha ha! This bit is simply too hilarious! Hee hee hee!

-Fryguy: S...stop that. When you laugh so loudly, it...it scares me!

Briefly, a speech bubble with "!!" pops up from Lakitu's head. He then turns to Fryguy with a nasty glint in his eye.

-Lakitu: You know, speaking of scary, I heard something that is really -really- frightening. Absolutely terrifying! It's a story that will scare your socks off!

-Fryguy: Then I don't want to hear it!

-Clawgrip: I would.

-Mouser: Yah, me too. Is it a dirty story?

-Lakitu: Errr, not exactly...

-Clawgrip: Well go on, tell us what it is.

-Fryguy: No! I don't want to hear it if it's scary!

Lakitu, Mouser and Clawgrip exchange a nasty smirk. Lakitu then turns around and begins to speak.

-Lakitu: Allright, since Mouser and Clawgrip insist, I will relate this blood-chilling tale of terror!

-Fryguy: Eeek!

Mouser and Clawgrip then close the room's curtains and switch off the lights. Lakitu then turns on a fashlight which he holds up right underneath his face.

-Fryguy: Aieeee!! You look scary like that!

-Lakitu: Just a little mood lighting. Now then, listen carefully to the spine-shaking story of the Marcolini Massacre!

-Clawgrip: What the hell kind of name is that?

-Lakitu: Look, that wasn't my idea! If you must know, I heard about this incident from the old guy Godiva. He told me that this happened fifteen years ago, right in this forest.

-Fryguy: You mean this is for -real-? Nooo, scaryyy!

-Lakitu: Oh yes, every last drop of blood that drips from this grim tale is for real, all of this happened, word for word on a dark night much like this one, fifteen years ago.

-Mouser: Is that really how the old geezer Godiva told it to you?

-Lakitu: No, not really, but I'm trying to increase the mood a little. Now stop interrupting me, I'm getting to the good part.

-Fryguy: Mommy, I'm so scared, so scared, so scared....

Screen fades out while Lakitu's voice is still heard:

-Lakitu: Now then, this is how the grim tale of the devilish Marcolini begins....

Screen fades to a view of the nightly Cote D'or forest. Slowly zoom it to the silhouette of Triclyde who is standing there. Lakitu's voice is still heard, continuing his story:

-Lakitu: The story goes that Marcolini is the most cruel and bloodthirsty forest spirit there has ever been, and it's right here in the Cote D'or forest that he sleeps....

Cut to a shot of a small structure in front of Triclyde. Zoom in to reveal that it's an abandoned spirit shrine, surrounded by charms and spiritual protection objects.

-Triclyde: We found it, this is where he has been put to rest...

-Lefty: Great, let's get moving!

Lefty then inches forward, but he's pushed back by flares of electricity crackling around his muzzle when he tries to get close to the shrine.

-Lefty: Yeouch! My nostrils!

-Triclyde: You idiot, it's obvious that a powerful spell has been placed here to protect this shrine. Until we break the barrier around this space, we won't be able to awaken Marcolini.

-Lefty: Oh, that's just great. What do we do now?

-Triclyde: Righty, get to work.

-Righty: Yes, immediately!

Righty has been clutching a Buddhist pearl necklace between his jaws all this time. He now closes his eyes, and a frown appears on his forehead as he concentrates.

-Triclyde: I'm counting on you, Righty. You must break the spell that's keeping Marcolini prisoner.

-Righty: Understood. I should be able to break this spell, but it will take time.

Righty resumes his concentration, and proceeds with undoing the spell.

-Righty: Silence now, I need complete concentration...

-Lefty: Wah-choooo!!

-Triclyde: Dohhh! Keep your sneezes in, you idiot!

-Righty: It looks like this'll take even longer than I expected.

-Triclyde: Don't complain, keep going! We absolutely must release Marcolini from his prison! With such a powerful spirit at my command, the universe will be at my mercy! Uh wuh ha ha ha ha haaa!

-Righty: And he expects me to break a spell in these conditions...*big sigh*

-Triclyde: Oh, sorry.

Fade out and cut back to Lakitu, Mouser, Clawgrip and Fryguy. Some eerie music plays as Lakitu continues his scary story;

-Lakitu: Now then, this is what the old man Godiva told me about the horrors of Marcolini....

-Fryguy: Neeeek! I'm too scared to listen!

-Lakitu: On an ill-fated day, fifteen years ago, three young men went out into the Cote D'or forest to chop wood, much like the three of us have done today.

-Fryguy: Oh no.....no, no, it's so scary!

-Lakitu: They worked hard in the forest and chopped down many trees, not knowing that their action would have terrible results. For the noise of the chopped-down trees crashing down, and the calls of the dying trees summoned the merciless devil Marcolini, and he unleashed the full anger of the suffering forest on the young men!

-Mouser: If this is a horror story, isn't any of those four guys going to get his clothes off?

-Lakitu: Uhm...the old man Godiva didn't specify any details about that. In any case, the slaughter that followed was a true nightmare; Marcolini tore at limbs, clawed at flesh and delighted himself with the sight of scarlet blood gushing from the mutilated corpses of his victims. Only one of the young men managed to escape, and he fled to a small shrine, deep in the forest. In that shrine, a wise old priest named After Eight lived. Using his full force, After Eight managed to imprison Marcolini in his shrine and put up a powerful magic protection barrier around the area. However, this tremendous effort cost After Eight his life. The surviving young man died due to blood loss from his heavy wounds, but before he kicked the bucket, he told all the horrific events to his grandfather Godiva.....

Lakitu then pauses for a moment, but it's at that point that Fryguy's voice resounds. He had been shivering in terror all this time, and finally, no longer able to hold in the panic grips that him, he shouts out with his full force;

-Fryguy: Aaaaaahrg!!! Nooooo!! That is so scarryyyyy! Aieeeee!

Sobbing hysterically, he the dives underneath his bed, where some panicky yelps and whimpers can be heard from time to time.

-Clawgrip: It worked, guys, that ridiculous story freaked him out totally. Heh heh heh!

-Lakitu: Well, wait until you hear the punchline; over the years, the magical barrier that After Eight put up has weakened greatly, and the old man Godiva said something about the silence of the forest this night. What if...someone was trying to break the spell that holds Marcolini prisoner?

-Fryguy: Kyaaaahh! That would be so scaryyy!!

The others snigger nastily at Fryguy's panic-fit. Cut to a shot of Triclyde in front of the small shrine. Righty's long efforts are finally paying off; sparks of green lightning crackle around the shrine, and the magical charms guarding the place shatter. The barrier around the temple vanishes, and is replaced by an eerie silence...

-Righty: Phew...*huff, pant* finally, that barrier is down.

-Triclyde: Excellent. Now, when Marcolini comes out, we must make sure that we capture him in our grasp. Lefty, that is your task!

Lefty looks up, holding a red and white sphere between his jaws.

-Lefty: Yeah! Marcolini getto daze! I will catch it all!

Angrily, Triclyde punts Lefty over the head with a frying pan and shouts at him.

-Triclyde: This is no time for stupid jokes! Get ready, and don't screw up!

-Righty: Guys, here it comes!

Indeed, a pair of large, green eyes then flashes in the darkness, and a pair of glistening white jaws becomes visible. The rapid-moving shape of Marcolini then starts to approach Triclyde. Lefty has taken out a spiritual charm and begins to chant;

-Lefty: Rin, poh, toh, sha, kai, jin, retsu, zai, zun!

A short pause follows, during which nothing happens. Lefty then shrieks in panic;

-Lefty: Aaaargh! I got it wrong! It should be "zai zen"!

-Righty: You idiot! Try something else, quickly!

-Lefty: Okay! Uhm, let's see now....Vade retro, Satanas! Vade! Go on, piss off!

But this has no effect, as Marcolini then opens his gaping maw and pounces upon Triclyde. A column of crackling green lighting bursts into the forest air as Triclyde's screams are heard. After a battered and bruised Triclyde was slammed against a nearby tree trunk where he passed out, Marcolini dissappears into the forest thicket and dashes through the woods, making his way towards the Godiva House...

However, he isn't the only one with that intention. Cut to a shot of Mario, Yoshi, Toad and the princess, making their way through the Cote D'or forest. They're all looking very tired and irritated, except for Mario who has a large backpack on his back.

-Toad: Awww, man, we've been lost in this stupid forest for hours! It's night by now!

-Mario: Don't whine like that, we must keep going on! Koopa has traveled to this forest, locals have spotted him and warned us of his presence here! He's up to no good for sure, but this time, we will make the first move!

-Yoshi: Yoshi hungwyyy.....Wanna eeeeat. I'm not moving until I got something to eat!

-Mario: Oh, okay....

Mario the rummages around in his backpack, takes out Luigi and feeds that to Yoshi. While Yoshi munches away happily, Toad suddenly points into the distance.

-Toad: Look, there's a light over there! Maybe it's a place where we can stay for the night!

They move closer to the spot Toad pointed out and find themselves in front of the Godiva House. A relieved look appears on their faces, until suddenly, a mixture of howls and rumbles is heard. The large shadow of Marcolini crashes out of the woods behind them and zooms towards to Godiva House. It crashes through a wall to make it's way in, leaving the Mario gang rather dumbfounded.

-Toad: What was that?

-Mario: Let's check it out! It's bound to result in a big fight!

-Princess *groan* Why is Mario always so overly enthusiastic about these things? I just want to rest...

Close-up of the princess as she thinks to herself;

-Princess: Just you wait, Mario...if Koopa really is in this forest, and if we find him, I can join his side again, and we will kill you! That'll teach you not to drag me around in a stupid forest!

Cut to a shot of Koopa's flunkies in their bedroom. Fryguy is cowering beneath his covers, sobbing in panic.

-Fryguy: Oh no...I'm so scared....Marcolini will kill me, I just know he will...sniff...whine...

-Clawgrip: Well, it worked. We gave Fryguy the freak attack of his life. But Lakitu, did the old guy Godiva really tell you that freaked story?

-Lakitu: He didn't quite tell it with my flair, of course! But he did state that something like this really happened. Dunno, he must be growing senile.

-Mouser: Yah, all of that is very nice, but I have important things to do now, so I must be off.

-Clawgrip: What kind of important things are you going to do at this time of the night?

-Lakitu: Do we even -want- to know?

-Mouser: Nya ha ha! I'm going to sneak into Lord Koopa's bedroom, and then...rrrrrowf! Adios, have a nice night, suckers!

Mouser then tries to open the door of their room, but to his surprise, the door doesn't give way. Angered, he punches at the door forcefully. This still doesn't open the door, so he shoots it with a machine gun. But the door still stands tall.

-Mouser: What the...?! This goddamn door just won't get out of my way!

-Lakitu: This is strange...even Mouser's punches and a salvo of machine gun fire hasn't harmed a simple wooden door...Oh, and something else is strange....

The room slowly begins to darken, and clouds of green smoke curls up from the ground. Shrieks of terror can be heard from Fryguy as a pair of glowing green eyes then appears in the middle of the room. Slowly, a silhouette appears around these eyes, and Marcolini reveals himself to the four boys.

-Fryguy: Aieee!! It's Marcolini! Nooo, I'm scaaared! Kyaaaah!!

-Lakitu: -That- is Marcolini?

Cut to a shot of Marcolini, who is now completely visible. He looks like a huge, fat black cat with a large bell around his neck and big, green eyes. He looks at Mouser, very intrigued, and moves closer to him.

-Clawgrip: So Marcolini is really a giant ghost cat...doesn't looks all that frightening.

-Mouser: Hey, why is he staring at me like that?! What's your problem, huh, ya big black hairball?

Marcolini then purrs contently and rubs himself against Mouser. He licks Mousers face a few times and continues to purr.

-Mouser: Eewww! What the heck is -that- all about?!

-Lakitu: That's how cats behave when they're happy. Heh, it likes you, Mouser.

-Clawgrip: Oh, how cute! 

Indeed, Marcolini is walking around Mouser, still purring happily and rubbing himself against the object of his affections, which doesn't seem to please Mouser.

-Mouser: Hrrrmph, I don't want him to get in my way when I try to get between the sheets with my Lord Koopa. 

Mouser angrily paces away and punches his way through the door, while Marcolini contently trots along behind him. Lakitu lets out a big sigh after a moment.

-Lakitu: Oh well, it seemed as if we were almost in big trouble back there, if Marcolini hadn't taken such a liking to Mouser we might have met a gory and violent end.

-Clawgrip: Only, it was too much for Fryguy to take.

Cut to Fryguy, who is lying on the ground unconscious, with his face frozen into an expression of pure terror. Clawgrip pokes him a few times, but this produces no reaction.

-Clawgrip: His nerves must be completely shot...

Fade out and cut to a shot of Mouser walking through the halls of the Godiva House, with Marcolini still following him. 

-Mouser: Listen, I told you, you need to clear off now! I can't have you around when I'm in Lord Koopa's room, dammit!

But Marcolini takes no notice of Mouser's angry tone and continues to shower Mouser with feline signs of affection, until suddenly, Mario's voice interrupts the scene:

-Mario: Ah! I knew Koopa and his goons would be here!

Mario, Toad, Yoshi and the princess have arrived on the scene and face Mouser and Marcolini. Mario speaks up with determination;

-Mario: I was sure that Koopa would be planning something rotten when he came to the Leonidas valley! Admit it, this chalet is really a secret base you've been developing!

-Toad: Wow, Mario gets so carried away sometimes....

-Mario: Grrr, I will defend the peace in this beautiful woodlands region! Eat this!

An angered Mario then throws a rock at Mouser. The rock ends up hitting Mouser's forehead, and he rubs the bruised spot.

-Mouser: Owww, you bastard, you're -really- asking for it now...

From behind Mouser, a low hissing noise then resounds; Marcolini is giving a menacing look to the Mario gang. He has his ears turned backwards and his back curled up, and emits menacing hisses at them. A speech bubble with a flashlight pops up next to Mouser, and he then turns to Marcolini with these words;

-Mouser: Wah! They hurt me! Marcolini, go and duff them up really painfully to avenge me!

Marcolini belts out a beastly screech to acknowledge these words from Mouser, and then pounces upon the Mario group, shooting out flashes of green lightning around him. Mario and co run away in terror, screaming at the top of their voices as Marcolini chases them, clawing away and shooting out bolts of ghostly green plasma, which destroys most of the surrounding walls and furniture. Mouser then grins sneakily.

-Mouser: Good, that should do the trick. Now that all of them are gone, I can proceed with my original plan; pay Lord Koopa a little midnight visit! Nee hee hee, let's go, go, go!

Cut to a shot of Koopa in his bed. His feet are placed on a big, fluffy cushion, and he adresses these words to them;

-Koopa: Now, before we go beddie-bye, I'm going to read you a bedtime story, boys!

He takes out a colourful-looking manga and begins to leaf through it's pages.

-Koopa: Ah yes, we were at the bit where the Lovely Romance Fighter Sweety Candy had been saved from the forces of evil by a mysterious and cool-looking man with a really snazzy hairdo. Now then...

But just then, the door bursts open, and Mouser barges in. Koopa quickly hides his manga and turns to Mouser.

-Koopa: Mouser, what are you doing here at this time?

-Mouser: Uhm...*slight blush* well, I was just dropping by, you know....*big blush* I figured you might need some extra foot lotion or something and...*huge blush* well, okay, sorry for bothering you, I'll go away now...

As Mouser turns back to face the doorway, he grits his teeth and thinks these words to himself:

-Mouser: Damn me, I'm such a wimp! I can't .....I simply can't tell him what I really want face-to-face, I don't have the courage! Daaaamn, but I really -really- want to! Man, it's just too difficult, I can't do it!

-Koopa: Were you saying something about foot lotion?

-Mouser: Huh? Oh, never mind....

-Koopa: There's no lack of lotion on my behalf, but I regret that we couldn't take the Flurries along. They couldn't stand the climate here, but their absence is a bummer. My poor feet could do with their daily licking right about now....oh well....

-Mouser: Lick...yo...your feet? *slight nosebleed* Lord...Lord Koopa, if...it's so urgent, I would....would you allow -me- to take care of it? Pleeease?

-Koopa: Eh? Hmm, why not, I suppose it beats nothing at all.

Cut to a quick shot of Mouser, with an enormous grin and heart-shaped eyeballs, surrounded by small angels carrying signs that read "YES!", and a piece of victorious trumpet music playing in the background, then cut back to Koopa's room. Mouser takes a few steps towards Koopa, trembling and staggering, while a fountain of drool spills from his lips. He thinks to himself with great excitement:

-Mouser: Oh wow, wow, wow! I must be dreaming! Lord Koopa wants me to lick his feet! I could just dieeee now! Thank you so much, my god, thank you! 

-Koopa: Uhm, Mouser, you look rather strange. Are you sure you're feeling allright?

-Mouser: Huh? Oh, I feel fine, don't worry. Please hold out your feet, I'll do my best on them!

-Koopa: Okay. Start with the left small toe, will you?

But just as Mouser is about to take a slurp at Koopa's feet, a tremendous crashing noise is heard, and half the room comes tumbling down. Mario and co come rushing past, shrieking in panic, while Marcolini still chases them, shooting out destructive green bolts around him, which have just destroyed most of Koopa's room. The rest of the Godiva house has been reduced to rubble as well by this chaotic chase. The shock has caused Koopa to jump to his feet. He stares at the chaos, while Marcolini disappears into the distance, still chasing after the Mario gang, who'se squeaks can still be faintly heard. 

-Koopa: Wha...what was -that- all about??

Mouser, who is lying a few feet away from Koopa then looks up with big, watery eyes.

-Mouser: Awwww man, I was -this- close! Just a few more -seconds- was all I needed, but everything is ruined! Damn, what a major rip-off!

The sun has started to rise in the meantime. Lakitu and Clawgrip clamber from the ruins of the Godiva House, carrying the still shell-shocked Fryguy.

-Lakitu: Hmmm, I guess this incident will serve to keep the phoney ghost myth of Marcolini alive for a few more decades...

Godiva himself them clambers onto the scene, sobbing in despair.

-Godiva: Nooo, my beautiful chalet! What have you done to my chalet?!

-Clawgrip: Uhm...does this mean the training voyage is over?

-Koopa: You bet. I've had enough of the forest, we're outta here.

Cut to a shot of the Koopa bus speeding out of the forest as fast as it can. Camera then travels over a view of the Leonidas Valley. Marcolini pops onto the screen with a gleeful meow and waves goodbye to the bus.


	15. Episode 15: Koopa Meets Ushinator

-Mario: No matter how much hate mail we get, we just keep on going at the Super Mario Brother's Freaky Show! There's no stopping us, no matter how hard you try!

**Episode 15: Koopa Meets Ushinator**

-"Plumber's log, number hyaku-goju-ichi. Koopa had once again ripped off the poor princess, and even though everyone is blummin' sick and tired of this plot set-up by now, we went ahead to rescue her. I had managed to chase Koopa to the city of Pulastikku Tokyo, where he was still trying to escape from my severe fists of punishment. But he wouldn't last long, that was for sure..."

Fade in to a view of a huge city by night, slightly resembling Tokyo. Zoom in and pan around the jungle of skyscrapers for a while. Suddenly, a large, spider-like combat mech rushes past on it's six spindly legs, with Koopa and the Princess clearly visible in it's cockpit. Mario then comes running after this robot, wildly swinging his fists.

-Mario: Koopaaaa! You bastard! You can't run away from me forever! I won't let you escape with the princess! Turn around and fight me like the cross-dressing, perverted man that you are!

Cut to a shot inside the spider-mech's cockpit. Koopa, who is wearing a fetching pink and silver spandex bodysuit, is worriedly staring at a radar screen on a control dial.

-Koopa: Mario's still gaining on us! If this goes on, I might have to do some actual fighting...*gulp*

-Princess: Damned Mario, he can never take a hint. Just when we were about to go and ritually sacrifice some innocent prisoners, in comes fat boy and ruins -everything-. Good lord, I -hate- that Mario!

-Koopa: But, hot chickie, how are we supposed to get away from him? He's been chasing after us like a lunatic ever since the Yokohama bay!

-Princess: Grrr, that fat little bastard is really getting up my nerves, but I'll sort him out soon enough. Koopa, transfer firing control to me!

-Koopa: Uhm...okay.

Koopa punches in a few codes on his control dial, and some lights flash up before the princess' manic grin as she takes the control over the mech's weapon systems.

-Princess: Excellent, all systems on-line, prepare for fried fatso flab! Die, Mario! Fire!!

Cut back to a shot of Mario chasing Koopa and the Princess' mecha-vehicle. Gun turrets flip open on the spider-mech's rear, and a shower of missiles is blasted out in Mario's direction. Mario rapidly dodges the onslaught with a few nimble maneuvers, and the hail of missiles blows up a few appartment blocks behind Mario.

-Mario: My god, it's terrible! Koopa really stands for nothing if he doesn't hesitate to use explosives in a closely populated area!

Cut back to a shot inside the mech's cockpit, where the princess angrily snarls at the controls.

-Princess: Damn you to hell, Mario! How dare you still be alive?!

-Koopa: Too bad you missed, sugartoes. But I must say, you really stand for nothing if you don't hesitate to use explosives in a closely populated area!

-Princess: I'll use whatever it takes to get rid of Mario, and I've just had a brilliantly evil and bloodthirsty idea. We're heading for the direction of the Pulastikku-Tokyo Tower as it is. We'll corner him there and tear him to bloody chunks! Mu wu ha ha ha haaa! Hee hee hee!

-Koopa: *blink* She's acting strange again....

Cut to a view of the city. A structure that resembles the Tokyo Tower, but painted neon pink and yellow stands tall in the distance. Koopa's robot and Mario, leaving a trail of destruction, are rushing towards this tower. Cut to a shot of the spider robot clambering up the tower's wireframe-ish structure, with Mario bravely climbing behind it. The robot eventually reaches the panoramic room halfway up the tower and smashes it's way in. Once all the people in there have run away shrieking, Mario and the spider-mech face each other in the now half destroyed panoramic room of the Pulastikku-Tokyo Tower. Camera pans around the two brawlers for a short while.

-Mario: Allright, Koopa, I'm ready. Come on and fight, you don't scare me with your spider robot! It's bound to be rubbish after all!

Cut back to inside the robot where the princess is now furiously gripping the controls.

-Princess: Nya ha haaa! We got him now, and Mario doesn't even realize that it's -me- who's going to kill him, dense idiot that he is! I'm going to let rip with full firepower now! Gooo!

With a freakish grin, and a shriek of sadist pleasure, the princess then dives towards the firing button, but just then...all the lights insde the robot's cockpit burn out, leaving Koopa and the princess in the dark.

-Princess: Now what?! The robot's no longer moving!

-Koopa: It looks like we're out of fuel. Climbing up the Pulastikku-Tokyo Tower with this thing has been a bit too much, I guess. Maybe we should've used the elevator instead...

-Princess: Bullshit! You mean to say we can't smash Mario's face in with six spider-robot legs of death?! Arrrgh!

-Koopa: I'm afraid that's the way it is...

-Princess: Well, my darling smelly wart on a pig's bum, in that case, you'll have to go out there and fight Mario bare-handed.

-Koopa: M...me? But, wait a minute, I can't...

-Princess: And stop complaining already!

Cut back to Mario who is standing opposite to the now immobile spider-robot. A hatch in the robot's head opens, and Koopa is forcefully shoved outside, where he lands in front of Mario.

-Koopa: Uh-oh....

-Mario: Time for the final showdown, Koopa! I'll fight you and save the princess!

-Koopa: But, I really don't want to fight. I'm wearing some of my finest frilly lace lingerie underneath this bodysuit, it might get ripped if we fight...

-Mario: No phoney excuses, Koopa, come on and fight! It's about time we did some decent fighting instead of just running away like utter wussies, I've had it up to here with this show's fixation on pointless chase scenes!

-Koopa: Yes, but if our staff can't even animate a run-away scene halfway decently, a battle scene will probably look even worse.

-Mario: I don't care, I just want to smash yer face in! And I know just what your weak spot is!

Mario then rushes forward, and before Koopa can react, he forcefully stomps onto Koopa's foot. Koopa's eyes widen in horror, and he crashes to the ground, wailing in agony and clutching his foot.

-Koopa: Noooo! You've hurt my footsie! My poor darling baby! Aieeee! Have mercy, don't hurt my feet, anything but that, I beg of you!

Mario then appears, looming over the now defenseless Koopa menacingly...

-Mario: And now, you will die....

-Koopa: N...no...won't anyone save my feet? Eeeeek!

But just as Mario's fist is plunged forward, a swishing noise is heard, and a red rose slices through the air to embed itself into the ground before Mario.

-Mario: What the...? A rose?

Mario bends down and curiously looks at the rose below him. The rose then hisses and explodes right into his face. The few windows of the tower's panoramic room that were still intact are then shattered as a figure in a black costume, with a long, flowing red cape comes crashing in. The newcomer lands elegantly, and then stands up in his full length (which is actually rather short). Camera travels around him and reveals that it is in fact Mouser, dressed in a black tuxedo and long, red cape. A tacky piece of music begins to play.

-Mouser: The feet of a handsome, and slightly overweight man are like the gentle petals of a spring flower, covered in soft dewdrops, demanding to be licked clean. To defend their exquisite beauty, I soar through the night sky as Tuxedo Mouse!

-Mario:...Tuxedo Mouse?

-Koopa:.....Cooool....

-Mouser: Mario, I've finally caught up with you. And now, for damaging the most beautiful pair of feet in the world, I will unleash the wrath of Tuxedo Mouse upon you!

He then throws off his cape, revealing a pair of handheld gatling guns which he points in Mario's direction with a murderous grin. Close-up of Mouser's bloodshot eyes as he thinks these words to himself;

-Mouser: And while I'm at it, maybe a certain extremely annoying person of royal blood who thinks she can lay her paws on -my- Lord Koopa might get hit by a stray bullet...She's bound to be hiding out here somewhere after all, the sorry tramp.

But just as Mouser is about to squeeze the guns' triggers, a loud, rumbling noise interrupts him, and a large shadow falls over the entire city. Slowly, everyone turns their eyes upward, only to see that a giant monster has appeared at the horizon, waving it's arms about and shrieking out menacing cries.

-Mario: But...but that is....

-Koopa:...It has to be the single most ridiculous-looking giant monster ever....

Camera then shows a closer shot of the giant monster. It is in fact a gigantic cow, who's white hide is adorned by bright pink spots, and who's head is adorned by two large, flowing yellow ribbons. It swings a large bottle of milk around in one hand and howls out a long, menacing moo up to the night sky. Cut back to a shot of Mario and the others, who are looking rather flummoxed at this strange sight, when suddenly, a loud and booming evil laugh is heard. As the nasty laugh continues, a huge, transparent image of Triclyde's three heads appears, superimposed onto the dark city sky. He continues to laugh manically for a little while, until pronouncing these words with gutsy overacting;

-Triclyde: Feeble, puny and pathetic mortals of Pulastikku Tokyo! Listen to my over-the-top laughter and shudder in panic, for I am Emperor Triclyde! Prince of this world, and of a few other bits and bobs! The day has now come for me to demonstrate my eternal power! I have unleashed the giant monster Ushinator upon you! Behold in powerless pant-wetting terror as Ushinator will now stamp your pitiful city to itty bitty chunks of dust! And this is only the beginning, today I will vaporize Pulastikku Tokyo, tomorrow, the entire world! Wu ha ha ha ha haaaa! Nyaaah ha ha ha heee!

His hysterical laughter resounds all over the city. Cut to a few citizens in the streets. Some of them look up to the holographic Triclyde image which is still laughing. After a short pause, a few disinterested comments can be heard:

-"Gee, what's that? Looks like some kind of publicity stunt...."

-"It's probably not important, let's just ignore it."

Seeing that his intro hasn't made much effect, an angered expression appears on Triclyde's face, and a small vein swells up on his forehead. His face twists into an even stronger grimace of annoyance when Mouser's voice is heard, shouting up to the sky from the half-wrecked Pulastikku Tokyo Tower;

-Mouser: You don't scare us with your stupid fat cow! I've been devouring Milka bars ever since I was five! Come on and fight if you think you're that tough!

-Koopa: Muh...Mouser, it's probably not a good idea to make him angry.....

Cut to a shot of the Triclyde-hologram which looks down to the Pulastikku Tokyo Tower. A nasty smirk appears around his lips.

-Triclyde: Well, well, what a surprise. I didn't know my number one enemies were here in Pulastikku Tokyo. Really, you are too kind to me, you're giving me a chance to show off my supremacy by crushing this world's largest city -and- eliminate my arch rivals in one go, how very generous of you....Now behold! The earth-shattering power of Ushinator! She will blow you off the face of this world with a single blast! Ushinator, turn them into a mass of bloody, gory, spongy stuff, immediately!

Cut to a close-up of Ushinator, who moos menacingly. She then begins to unscrew the lid of the milk bottle she's carrying with her, while the milk inside begins to glow menacingly. Once she has opened her bottle, she directs it at a nearby building, and a blast of white laser milk is shot out, which cleaves right through several acres of solid skyscrapers. She then begins to charge up another milk-blast, while slowly pointing her bottle at the remains of the Pulastikku Tokyo Tower. Cut back to Koopa and the others who are looking just a tad panicky at this sight.

-Mario: This really isn't the kind of stuff that makes you want to crack a "holy cow" pun. She just blasted away a huge chunk of skyscrapers! If she fires that thing at us, we're all toast!

-Mouser: Really? Well then, arrividerci, sucker!

Mouser then lifts a surprised Koopa up in his arms and nimbly jumps away into the night with him. A slightly hysterical Mario has by now located the princess who was cowering away in the immobilized spider robot.

-Mario: Princess, we've got to get out of here, quickly!

Princess: So tell me something else that's new! We're up 300 feet in the air, how the heck are we supposed to get down from this tower and out of that thing's range in time?!

-Mario: Maybe, if we just jump from the tower, we'll fall 300 feet down and miraculously survive such a sure-death fall, with no apparent reason! It worked before!

-Princess: I'd rather not take that kind of a chance...Suppose the animator -does- remember that human bodies tend to splatter into lots of gory chunks when falling very, very far down for once? On the other hand, that laser milk looks nasty....

But just then, a whizzing sound is heard, and a rope ladder comes dangling down. Mario and the princess look up in surprise, to see a helicopter, from which this ladder was dropped, hovering above the tower. Toad and Yoshi poke their faces out of a window of the helicopter. Mario and the princess grab on to the ladder, and the chopper carries them away just in time to escape Ushinator's milk laser which turns the entire area around the tower into a smoldering mess. Cut to a shot of Mario and the princess climbing into the helicopter, next to Toad and Yoshi.

-Mario: Toad, Yoshi, what are you doing here?

-Princess: And moreover, who is that person piloting this copter?

The princess points towards a young woman who is seated behind the copter's controls. This pilot then turns around and replies in these words;

-"My name is Misaki Katsura, and I work at the Pulastikku Tokyo Catastrophe Control center. There's no time to explain the whole story now, but I'll tell you everything once we've made it back to our base safely. For now, we can just hope that we'll be quick enough to escape from that monster".

-Mario: That should be allright, the monster seems to be heading in a different direction now.

Everyone peeks out of the helicopter's windows. Cut to a shot of the chopper hovering above the city. In the distance, it can be seen how Ushinator has turned her back on the heli, and is stampeding off in a different direction. Cut to a shot of Mouser carrying Koopa, who is running at full pelt through the city streets. A rumbling noise is heard as Ushinator, who is menacingly visible in the background chases after them.

-Koopa: Oi, Mouser, what is you right hand doing.... down there? And where exactly are we going?

-Mouser: Just as far away from that monster as possible! It's still chasing after us, it must really be pissed off!

-Koopa: You'd better go faster, it's gaining on us! At this rate, we'll be squashed flat!

Cut to a rapid shot of Ushinator who tramples several buildings under her hooves as she comes ever closer to Mouser and Koopa. Cut back to the two fugitives. Mouser suddenly stops running and places Koopa back on his feet. He then turns around and looks up sternly.

-Mouser: Running away is no good, it'll be better if I stand and fight. I should be able to hold it off for a little while. Lord Koopa, make sure you get as far away as possible in the time I'll buy you!

-Koopa: Mouser, wait! You're not going to go in against that thing on your own, are you? You saw what it's milk laser, ridiculous as though it may look can do for damages. Such an attack might be too much to take, even for you. You're risking your life with this!

-Mouser:...Damn right I am...Lord Koopa....

Cut to an overly dramatic close-up of Mouser who slowly turns his face towards Koopa.

-Mouser:...if it's for you, I'd gladly risk my life as often as I must. Don't worry about me, run for it! 

-Koopa:...Mouser....

Just then, a clanking noise is heard, and the faces of Lakitu and Fryguy pop up from a manhole leading to the sewers, just behind Koopa ad Mouser.

-Lakitu: Lord Koopa! Mouser! In here quickly!

-Fryguy: *sob* Oh please, let's just run away...*sniff* It's so scary, scary! I want to run awaaay! *whimper* If we don't run away, I'm going to cry...*whine*

Cut to Koopa who gives one more look in Mouser's direction and then hurries off into the sewer with Lakitu and Fryguy. Mouser then looks up to Ushinator again. Ushinator herself moos loudly and smashes through some more buildings. Mouser has run over to a long row of parked cars. He picks up one of these cars, hoists it high up in the air and then chucks it in Ushinator's direction. He does the same with several other cars, but the rain of flying cars simply bounces off Ushinator, apparently without even scratching her. Cut to a close-up of a sweating Mouser, who is looking severely annoyed.

-Mouser: D...damn...This Ushinator really is tough.

Fade out and cut to a long pan around a large office building. The building is emblazoned with several large signs covered in katakana. Subtitles appear at the bottom of the screen that read "Pulastikku Tokyo Catastrophe Control Centre". Cut to a shot inside this building. In a large, light room with many monitors, Mario and his group are facing the helicopter pilot Misaki who brought them here.

-Misaki: So you say that you know this Emperor Triclyde person, who is behind the appearance of Ushinator?

-Mario: Well, we don't know him personally or anything. I mean, it's not as if he's the kind of guy we'd invite over for a coffee.

-Misaki: Well, that's immaterial right now. We're as of now still trying to track where that hologram of him that appeared over the city has been transmitted from. If we can pin-point the location from where his hologram came, there's a good chance that we've found his base as well.

-Toad: Unless he's using a satellite. Or creepy black voodoo magic. Or something else.

-Misaki: Well, maybe....In the meantime, we will have to send one of you out to fight Ushinator and try to minimise the damage it does.

-Everyone: Whaaaat?!

-Toad: You've got to be joking! How could we stand a chance against such a huge thing!

-Misaki: There's a way. Our scientific branch has developed a special kind of drug. Whoever ingests it will grow to enormous size, roughly the same size as Ushinator, in fact. So one of you will take this drug, grow huge, and go out to battle Ushinator.

-Mario: Now, just a minute. We'll get to the fact that this is a pretty crap strategy later, but now, do you really think one of us would accept to do this?

-Misaki: No, but you had better. You have an obligation to us. You see, our job is to monitor any abnormal disaster that occurs in this city, such as alien attacks, giant monsters, or other freak-ups. Believe me, there are lots of them. Earlier this evening, our surveillance noticed an unusual spider-like robot careering through the city, with someone chasing it. The ones behind this spider-robot incident were revealed to be you lot. Now, the destruction you've caused while chasing that robot, and the damages done to the city amount to a debt of 500 million yen.

-Everyone: Fuh...five hundred million yen?!

-Misaki: Exactly. Just when we had pin-pointed the robot's position at the Pulastikku Tokyo Tower, we were contacted by two individuals; Yoshi and Toad. These two claimed that they knew something about the one behind this spider robot incident and requested that we took them to the tower immediately.

-Mario: Nice work, you bunch of dopes.

-Toad: Well, we had to do something! We had lost track of you in this city, and when we stumbled across this building, it seemed like a good idea to team up with them, since they were after the same thing.

-Mario: And now it's gotten us into a huge mess!

-Misaki: That's not all, you also owe me for saving you from getting toasted by Ushinator back at the tower. In any case, the city authorities have agreed to lower your debt to a mere 350 yen of you agree to take the size-altering drug and fight Ushinator.

-Mario: So you're still conning us out of money? Oh well, there seems to be no other choice, so I'll do it.

-Toad: Hmm, we did this sort of plot set-up before, where Mario let himself grow huge to fight another giant monster. Alas, it all looked a bit pants.

-Misaki: Never mind that now. Since you've agreed to do this, we just need you to ingest the special drug. Now, I've left it in a glass jar somewhere...

-Yoshi: Here, do you mean this glass jar?

Cut to Yoshi who holds up a small glass jar with a red exclamation mark painted on it. However, the jar itself is empty.

-Misaki: That's the one, but where did the pill go? I'm sure I put it in there....

-Yoshi: Oh, that was your special drug? I thought it was a winegum.

-Mario: Good heavens, no!! Yoshi! You don't mean to say that you've eaten it?!

-Yoshi: Oh, but I've always liked winegums...

Yoshi is then suddenly enveloped by a strange, green glow. Everyone seems puzzled over this.

-Yoshi: Now what's happening?

-Misaki: Oh, holy shit! Everyone, run for it! Run for your lives!

Everyone begins to leg it at full speed upon Misaki's command, including a totally clueless Yoshi, but Misaki pushes him away with a shout of "not -you-, stupid!". Cut to a shot outside the Catastrophe Control centre's building. Mario and co come running out of the building, just as a loud rumble is heard, and a gigantic Yoshi crashes out of the building, destroying it entirely. Camera pans around the now enormous Yoshi who towers over the city. Cut to Mario's groups, who are looking up to the giant Yoshi. Misaki is in tears and almost hysterical.

-Misaki: Nooo! The Catastrophe Control centre! My beautiful building! The entire thing is completely destroyed! Dozens of people have perished horribly! You idiots!

Cut back to the giant Yoshi who looks around the city below him. He gives a long look to a skyscraper next to him.

-Yoshi: Hmmm....I'm feeling hungry. Whatever that winegum did to me, it sure made me work up an appetite. I'm going to eat now!

He then rips the roof off the skyscraper he's facing and begins to eat it. Deciding that it tastes really rather good, he then pulls the entire building out of the ground and devours it. Other buildings in his vicinity suffer the same fate as Yoshi begins to feast on the city. Cut to a close-up of Yoshi, with half-destroyed buildings, and a long subway train stuffed between his lips. He munches contently with a big smile on his face. Cut back to Mario's group, down on the ground. They've run to a safe place, but Misaki is as of now violently strangling Mario with an enraged look on her face.

-Misaki: Daaaamn you! The situation has only gotten worse because of you! Now we have -two- giant monsters rampaging through our city! You morons! You cause nothing but disasters!

-Toad: Hey, take it easy, lady. Don't you have anything else you can use? Something like a super special weapon, or a giant robot of some kind?

-Misaki: No, we don't! We did start out using giant robots, but it proved to be economically impossible to maintain them. The space to store such a huge thing was too expensive, the batteries needed to activate it cost too much, and cleaning the -entire enormous robot- was hell on our staff, so the project was abandoned. You just can't pull off giant robots as easily as TV animation would have you believe!

-Toad: But, you're saying the robot did exist?

-Misaki: Well, sort of. However, apart from financial reasons, we also discovered that this robot had an inherent fatal design flaw, which made it too dangerous to use. Therefore, we buried in underground and sealed it away deep under the city. In other words, we are now completely and utterly screwed ! The whole city is doomed, and it's all your fault!

Cut to a dramatic pan along the city skyline. Several military aircraft come swooping past with a loud noise. Cut to a shot of the city streets, where large tanks carrying tacky-looking missiles advance with a rumbling sound. The aircraft whizzes around Ushinator's head and blast at her with their colourful lasers, the tanks position themselves around the giant cow and fire their cannons at her, but she doesn't even take notice, and crushes a few of them easily. A similar military assault is being conducted on the giant Yoshi, but he takes no notice whatsoever and continues to happily devour the buildings surrounding him, catching a few jet planes with his tongue and swallowing them as extra appetizers.

Cut back to a shot of Mouser, who is by now heavily sweating and panting. He looks over to a pile of broken cars and other random large, blunt and heavy objects that he has used as projectiles, only to see them bounce off Ushinator and land at the monster's feet without doing any harm.

-Mouser: Damn it, damn it to friggin' hell, nothing I've thrown at that monster has had any effect! There's no point in trying my guns, they wouldn't even do a scratch. This is beginning to wear me out. And what's worse, I'm running out of stuff to throw at the monster.

But a low rumble is then heard, and Mouser turns around to spot a legion of tanks and missile cruisers rolling into the street. His face lights up at this sight.

-Mouser: Ah! Back-up has arrived!

Immediately, he runs over to the groups of military vehicles, and begins to pick them up with his bare hands, while his muscles bulge insanely. He then throws the tanks at Ushinator one by one, just like he did with the cars. Camera zooms out of this chaotic scene. Fade out and cut to a shot of Triclyde, who is standing in an eerily badly-lit Big Dictator's Control Room (tm), staring at the many flickering monitors around him, which show him an image of Ushinator rampaging through the city, while the military assaults fail to have any effect whatsoever on her.

-Triclyde: Tsch, those pathetic mortals, don't they know that puny tanks and planes -never- have any effect on giant rubber monsters? Didn't they even take the trouble to watch a cheesy big monster movie? A Japanese one, of course, which would at least have taught them the basics. Hah, they're pathetic, the complete annihilation of Pulastikku Tokyo will be achieved even more easily than I expected!

With a content smirk, he then turns back to his monitors. He suddenly notices that a tank somehow comes hurtling into the sky to crash against Ushinator every now and then...

-Triclyde: That's odd, I didn't know they used flying tanks now. Unless....

He rapidly checks a few other monitors, and discovers that it's really Mouser who is throwing the vehicles around. The look on Triclyde's face darkens at this.

-Triclyde: So, that one somehow survived the destruction of the Pulastikku Tokyo Tower. I could've sworn the milk laser would've killed them all in one blow. But I won't make the mistake of underestimating Mouser again. I know he's dangerous, I must eliminate him! This time, Ushinator will fire a milk laser blast at full power, it will surely kill him! Go, Ushinator!

Cut back to Ushinator who moos loudly in acknowledgement of this command. She raises her milk bottle up to the sky triumphantly, and the object begins to glow intensely. Before Mouser can do anything, Ushinator points her bottle down towards him and unleashes a thundering storm of plasma onto him. The result is a gigantic explosion which can be seen from all over the city. Mouser is flung upwards into the raging inferno with a bellow of agony. A large part of his clothes are torn to shreds before he disappears into the core of the laser storm. Once the violence of Ushinator's blast has died down, Mouser's severely burnt and wounded body comes crashing back onto the pavement, where he leaves he large impact crater. Cut to a close-up of his bruised face while he struggles to remain conscious.

-Mouser:...It doesn't matter, I've done my duty of protecting Lord Koopa...the rest isn't important....

He still coughs up some blood and writhes in agony before passing out definitely. Camera zooms out of his now immobile body on the shattered street. Fade out and cut to Koopa, Lakitu and Fryguy, who are still slowly walking through the sewers. Fryguy is walking up front, with a large lot of cigarettes stuffed in his mouth, and streams of tears pouring from his eyes.

-Fryguy: It's...it's not fair. Why do I have to walk in front? It's so scary here! It's dark and icky, and there's water, and I'm scaaared! I want to get out of this crazy city with big monsters and scary sewers! I want my mommy! Whine! Howl! Sob!

-Lakitu: Will you stop being such a baby? We need you to walk in front because all those cigarettes you're smoking, and your body itself give off light, that way we can see where the hell we're going in the first place. Do you want to get lost in a creepy, slimy sewer full of alligators, vermin, and probably mutant zombies, maybe even deranged scriptwriters?

-Fryguy: Whaaat?! Aieee! Are there really such scary things down here? 

-Lakitu: I dunno, but I'm sure I heard -some- kind of sinister noise back there....

-Fryguy: A...s...sinister noise...?

-Koopa: Sorry, that was me. Look, are you sure it's okay to just leave Mouser behind? Do you think he'll be safe?

-Lakitu: We'll have to come back for him later. It was no moment to try and reason with him, you know how stubborn he is, after all. Besides, with superhuman strength and heavy firepower like he has, I'm more worried about the monster.

-Koopa: Easy for you to say, you haven't seen how dangerous that monster's attacks really are. Triclyde seems to be going for full-on world conquest as of now. I just wonder where he got such a big monster from all of a sudden. In any case, he'll be a serious threat from now on, and....hey, what's this?

Koopa has halted his monologue and points forward, towards what looks like a large, iron door in front of them. They walk up to this door and stare at it. The door itself is covered in large katakana and Kanji writings. Subtitles appear on screen which translate the door's inscriptions as follows:

"Pulastikku Tokyo Catastrophe Control centre. Project Big Super Groovy Giant Robot -test subject A- Status: Abandoned. Highly dangerous; DO NOT ENTER. JUST PISS OFF VERY QUICKLY NOW! Okay?"

Koopa and co stare at this door, slightly dumbfounded.

-Koopa: Gee, that's a big and heavy door...

-Fryguy: It...it's kinda scary...

-Koopa: Too bad none of us can read Japanese, I can't tell what it says on here.

-Lakitu: Hang on, aren't we Japanese characters, originally created for use in a Japanese videogame? How come we can't read our native language?

-Koopa: Ah, well you see, for our three television series, the Mario license was bought up by a dopey Yanky company who just wanted to make a quick buck, and thus hired the least talented animation staff in the whole world. The result was three of the most inept-looking TV series ever made, full of irritating, unwitty and vurry Amurrican humour that seemed badly out of place. So that's why we can't read Japanese. We want all the nice kiddies at home to think we're a bunch of Yanks. And heaven forbid any mention of "weirdo foreign stuff", it must be prevented at any cost!

-Lakitu:...I see. In any case, whatever's behind that door, someone wanted to make sure it would stay there.

-Koopa: On the other hand, it might be an exit of some kind. Let's see if I can open this....

-Fryguy: Nooo! Suppose something scary happens! I'm too scared too watch!

While Fryguy dives away behind Lakitu for cover, Koopa places his hands on the large metal door. To everyone's surprise, a slight push from Koopa is enough to bring the huge door crashing to the ground, due it's heavy rust damage. After a short silence, Fryguy timidly pops up again and rubs the tears from his eyes. They all stare at what they have just uncovered; a large hangar where an inactive giant robot is being kept. Camera pans around the large robot, who has a foot symbol printed over his rotund belly.

-Fryguy: *gulp* I knew there'd be something scary here...quick, let's just get out of here before anything else happens!

-Koopa: No, wait a minute...that symbol on the robot's stomach...

Koopa takes a step in the robot's direction, and suddenly, the foot symbol glows dimly and the robot's eyes slowly light up. Koopa and Lakitu look at this, rather intrigued, while Fryguy dives away behind Lakitu again, shivering and whimpering.

-Koopa: Is it...trying to tell us something?

Fade out and cut back to Ushinator, who looks down to the wounded body of Mouser, sprawled across the pavement. Triclyde's voice is heard, echoing to Ushinator, giving her the following commands;

-Triclyde: Good job, the milk laser has immobilized him. Now, to make sure that he's dead, I want to see his body entirely vaporized! Ushinator, fire one more milk laser at him, that will surely tear his body to flimsy strands of bloody stuff, and we'll be rid of him forever! Turn him into nothingness, Ushinator!

And so, Ushinator once again raises her milk bottle, and the objects begins to glow. Mouser, in the meantime, still isn't moving....Fade out to some dramatic music and cut to Yoshi, who catches a few more whizzing military planes with his tongue and eats them, along with the apartment block he had just ripped out of the ground with his bare hands. He burps loudly and looks around the ravaged district surrounding him, where most of the buildings have either been eaten or trampled flat by him.

-Yoshi: Ah, that was delicious! After such a meal, I'm thirsty, I could do with something tasty to drink. But, where to find it...?

Suddenly, a dim white glow catches his eye. He turns around to spot Ushinator in the distance, towering over the city with her milk bottle pointed to the sky, shimmering brightly. Yoshi's eyes widen with enthusiasm at this sight. He immediately stampedes off in Ushinator's direction, who is very surprised to see this huge creature rushing towards her.

-Yoshi: Miiiilk! My faaavorite! Gimme gimme gimme gimme!

The first reaction of the shocked Ushinator is to quickly point her milk bottle at he rushing Yoshi in defense, and instead of blasting Mouser with her milk laser a second time, the bottle of deadly plasma empties itself in Yoshi's direction. Yoshi is caught in the blast, and hurtles backwards. As the glowing plasma funnel slowly engulfs him, the energy discharge causes him to shrink back to his usual size, and crash to the ground, where he remains motionless as well. Cut back to Triclyde who looks slightly surprised at this latest development.

-Triclyde: How strange, why didn't we notice the presence of that huge thing sooner?

-Righty: I'd say partly because that huge thing did nothing but pig out and mind it's own business, and partly because we were too busy gloating over our own giant monster to take notice of the overall situation.

-Triclyde: You keep your stupid comments to yourself! Now then, charging up another milk laser will be too slow and exhausting, so Ushinator will just have to stomp Mouser to death! Crush him to a bloody pulp underneath your hooves, Ushinator!

Just as Ushinator is about to execute this grim command, which would surely have dealt a death blow to Mouser, the ground begins to tremble violently. Startled, Ushinator looks at the shaking ground around her, until suddenly, the fat giant robot that Koopa and co have recently discovered in the sewers bursts out of the ground and poses triumphantly. Koopa's voice can be heard, coming from the machine's cockpit.

-Koopa: All riiight! This is so cool! I've always wanted to pilot a big robot like this! Ever since I was very little, I've been a fan of giant monsters and robots, they have such yummy giant feet! And now, I have my very own!

Cut to a shot inside to robot's cockpit, where Koopa is sitting, dressed in a pair of obscenely short schoolboy shorts, a checkered shirt, plus a schoolboy backpack and beanie cap. He grins a little more.

-Koopa: And it even has good fashion sense. The day is always saved by a person in shockingly minuscule shorts in these giant rubber monster features, and that's just what my outfit was magically changed into! Ah, this really is my kind of robot! Let's go and kick some Ushinator arse!

Lakitu and Fryguy, meanwhile, have clambered out of the hole left in the ground by the robot. Lakitu observes the scene pensively;

-Lakitu: I still don't really get it....back in that room in the sewers, the robot seemed to display some kind of activity. Then there was this big flash, and Lord Koopa has vanished. The robot started moving, with Lord Koopa at the commands somehow. Has the robot absorbed Lord Koopa into itself to use him as a pilot?

-Fryguy: Who cares?! Let's just run away, it's so scaaaaryyyy! I want my mommy, and my ciggies! Waaaahh!

Cut to Mario and his group, who have retrieved the unconscious, and now shrunk back to normal size Yoshi, and are observing the scene from a distance. Mario grins contently.

-Mario: Well, the giant Yoshi threat is vanquished, and it looks as if this robot is going to fight Ushinator for us. Isn't it nice when a solution pops up and everything's just peachy again?

-Misaki: You are gravely mistaken, everything couldn't possibly be worse. That robot out there, it's the giant robot project I told you about, the one we had to abandon. It has awoken, somehow....This spells disaster, in huge, bright, red letters. You see, that robot functions due to a nuclear core, but when testing, it was discovered that this core is terribly unstable. If the robot moves around too much, or gets too many shocks, the core overheats, and an explosion of staggering violence is the result. This robot is in fact the greatest menace of all to our city!

-Toad: But if you knew it was so dangerous, why did you just dump it in the sewer where -anyone- could find it?

-Misaki: Stop being such a smartass! I told you, the government keeps us on a strict budget, we couldn't afford a proper dumping place for it.

-Toad: Gee, just like on our show, there's never any money to avert the worst disasters possible.

-Misaki: But besides that, there was an almost zero chance that the robot would activate like this. This robot only functions when it finds a pilot who is adapted to it's own personality. You see, after a certain series with a weird purple robot, it's become the trend to make these sentient, sorta-intelligent robots with sorta-souls in them. That's what we did. Unless a person with a soul that matches the one of this robot arrives, it will hardly move. Up to today, nobody has ever displayed the personality that would make this robot run as perfectly as it does now.

-Princess: Hmmm, this robot's fat and has a big foot printed over it's belly....the one inside, it could only be....Koopa? Is it Koopa, fighting out there? Fighting so fiercely now?

Cut to a shot of Koopa's robot, landing a multitude of successful punches onto Ushinator's face and whirling around in a lethal dance of kicks and blows that make the cow monster stagger back slowly. Cut to a close-up of a hysterical-looking Misaki.

-Misaki: No waaaay! If it keeps running around like that, the core will overheat in less than five minutes! The city is doomed! I have only one option left one; commit ritual suicide! 

-Toad: Wait, no need to overreact like that.....

Cut to a shot inside Triclyde's chamber, where he is looking totally in despair.

-Triclyde: No waaay! If that robot keeps whipping Ushinator like that, it will die in less than five minutes! We're doomed! There's only one option left for us; commit ritual suicide!

-Lefty: Wait, no need to go hysterical like that, Clyde.....

-Righty: Yes, and wait a minute, look at what's happening now....

Triclyde's three heads fix themselves onto the screens attentively. Camera cuts back to Koopa's robot, who has tripped over a speeding subway train and is losing his balance. Stumbling and waving his arms around in panic, Koopa's robot eventually falls to the ground, taking Ushinator with itself in it's fall. The big, fat robot is now lying motionless on top of Ushinator, who struggles to escape from beneath it's weight with loud moos of protest. Cut to a close-up of Koopa inside the cockpit who rubs his forehead after the impact.

-Koopa: Owie owie, I felt that. Hmm, what should I do now?

Suddenly, the lights and monitors surrounding Koopa begin to flash bright red, a siren begins to resound, and various emergency messages flash around him, causing him to gradually panic.

-Koopa: Eh? What's going on? An emergency? Yikes! It says here; "main core meltdown imminent. Code light apple-red emergency, you're dead, sucker!" And over there, it reads, "About to go up in smoke and kill you in a blazing inferno of an explosion". No way! It's telling me it'll blow up! Aieee! I want to get out of here! Get me out! Haaaalp!

Koopa hysterically pounds against the escape hatch, but it refuses to open. He looks around in desperate panic, realizing that everything is lost, until suddenly, a loud crunching noise is heard, and a fist punches through the solid surface of the cockpit. A second fist follows, and the pair of hands then tears a large chunk of metal out of the cockpit's surface. The one who has just made a way out of the robot with his bare hands is none other than Mouser, and he stretches out his hand towards Koopa.

-Mouser: Lord Koopa! I'm getting you out of here!

-Koopa: Mouser! It's you!

Cut to a rapid fast-forward shot of Mouser running away, carrying Koopa again. Once Mouser and Koopa have disappeared from sight, the robot, which is still lying on top of Ushinator begins to release heat fumes, and eventually blows up. A mass of bright fire engulfs Ushinator, and she disappears into the flames with one last moo of agony. Trouble is, the explosion also takes most of the city with itself. Fade out and cut to a pan around the ruined Pulastikku Tokyo. Buildings have been reduced to rubble or burnt to a crisp everywhere. All that is left of Ushinator is a giant grilled beef steak, lying on the ground in the middle of the city's ruins. Suddenly, Mario and his group run past, with an enraged Misaki on their heels.

-Misaki: Youuuu! It's all your fault, the city is destroyed because of you! I will killll youuu!

-Mario: But it wasn't our fault, we keep telling you! 

-Toad: Don't argue, just run for it!

They disappear into the distance, still shouting in panic. Camera zooms out, then cuts to a shot of Koopa and his men, standing on a cliff overlooking the destroyed city. Fryguy has passed out and is lying on the ground with swirly eyes and cigarettes scattered all around him.

-Fryguy: Ahwawawah.....scary.....so scary....

-Lakitu: He's out cold, the shock must've been too much for him....

-Koopa: Never mind, he'll be allright. *sigh* That was some battle. But we won! We kicked their arses!

-Mouser: We did it! Wahoo! Viva us!

Overcome with the heady feeling of their victory, Koopa and Mouser grab each other by the hands, and begin to dance around, shouting out several victorious cries. They eventually calm down, and notice how unusually close to each other they're standing. A short silence follows....

-Koopa: Mouser, you saved me from getting killed horrendously -twice- today.....

-Mouser:....Lord Koopa, it...it is my pleasure *big blush*....

-Koopa: Mouser....

-Mouser: Milord.....

An overly-tacky piece of music plays as they very slowly inch a little closer. Mouser closes his eyes, doing his best to hide his blushing...Cut to Lakitu, who looks at them from over his shoulder.

-Lakitu: Ohhh no, I don't want to see this, I do not want to see this.

And he doesn't, as at that very moment, a figure bursts from the piles of rubble beneath them; Triclyde explodes onto the scene, hovering in the sky with a jetpack. The shock of him suddenly popping out of the ground so loudly has caused both Koopa and Mouser jump backwards in surprise. 

-Koopa: Man! I damn near had a heart attack!

-Triclyde: Grrrr, you bunch of bastards ruined my entire scenario, but don't think you've won just yet! I will now do what every megalomaniac bastard übervillain does when he loses one round; I'll run away like an utter wuss, shouting empty menaces! So nyah! I will return, and the violence of my bloodthirsty wrath will leave nothing but piles of mutilated corpses in it's wake! My vengeance will be terrible! Terrible! You will all diiiiieee! Wooah ha ha ha haaa!

His insane laughter fades out as he flies away with his buzzing jetpack, until he's only a small glint in the sky. Everyone just stares around, flummoxed at this outburst for a while, until Mouser gets back on his feet, and punches both his fists up at the sky;

-Mouser: Just come whenever you want, I'm not afraid of you! For ruining -such- a crucial moment in my affair with Lord Koopa, I will kick your slimy arse, I promise you! I won't rest until I've made a snakeskin handbag out of you, you bastard!

-Lakitu: Oh no, Mouser has added another person to his list of "enemies that stand in his way for being with Koopa and must be violently eliminated with a maximum of gratuitous destruction". He never learns...

-Fryguy: S...so does this mean...even more scary things are going to happen? Ohh noooo, squeeeek!

Fade out.


	16. Episode 16: The Legend of Zigra Three's ...

-Mario: Just when you thought it was safe to crawl behind your monitor again, it's the return of the Super Mario Brothers Freaky Show! 

**Episode 16: The Legend of Zigra - Three's a Crowd**

-"Plumber's log, number 198X. We had traveled to the land of High-Rise, because we had heard the beautiful Princess Zigra was looking for a new hero to defend a sacred object of great power.....Okay, I'll come clean, this is really a special "Legend of Zigra" episode. For those unfortunate enough to have seen our original series, you may remember that every five episodes or so, you were subjected to a mini-series about some fat-faced dopey yank kid in green skirts who could only whine "excyuuuose meeh", and tried to rape anything in sight. He is of no relation to Koopa, by the way. In any case, this episode is going to revive that trend and make it even worse. Don't say I didn't warn you.... But back to our story, where we had just arrived at High-Rise castle, where Princess Zigra welcomed us..."

Pan around some views of the medieval grassland country of High-Rise, while a techno-funk-flamenco remix of the Legend of Zelda theme plays in the background, then zoom in to a view of High-Rise castle. Cut to a view inside a tower chamber. The door opens, and Princess Zigra walks in, followed by the Mario, Toad, Yoshi and the Princess. Zigra points to an object on a pedestal in the middle of the room.

-Zigra: This, Mario, is the Trifle-Force of Strawberries. The evil wizard Grumpton has the Trifle-Force of Tangerines. When the two Trifle-Forces are put together, the most delicious dessert in the world will be created. It's your job as the new hero of High-Rise to defend the Trifle-Force of Strawberries from Grumpton.

-Mario: New hero? Hang on, you mean to say I got the job, just like that?

-Zigra: Mwell... Believe me, if I had a choice, I'd kick you out this instant, but you're the only one who applied for the job. I'm afraid I'll have to hire you, this land needs a heroic defender of -some- sort. And I sure as hell can't do this hero thing, there are no undertaking and assertive female characters in such shows as this. 

-Toad: True, alas. So, does it pay much?

-Zigra: Pay? Hah! Listen, I make the rules here, and this is not a cushy office job. If you do your job well, you get to stay alive. If you mess up, you will end up...like him!

With a dramatic gesture, Zigra then points out of the castle window. The camera follows her finger to the castle courtyard where a dead body, clad is scraggy green-ish clothes and pointy hat is dangling from a noose.

-Zigra: The dead body over there is what is left of Lunk, our former hero. During the last attack from Grumpton and his forces, he didn't show up to protect the Trifle-Force at all. His excuse was that, at that time, he was being questioned by the police who suspected him of serial rape crimes. And the only thing that ticks me off more than failure to do one's job is a lame excuse, so this is what became of him! Let this be a warning to you bozos! Don't you dare screw up!

-Toad: Hmm...there seem to be a lot of tyrannic and overly brutal female characters in a series like this, on the other hand...

-Mario: But, Princess Zigra, I don't understand this. Why is it so important to protect that trifle thing? Who cares about making a delicious dessert enough to turn it into some kind of huge war?

-Zigra: I do! And if you have a problem with that, there's a guillotine I'd like you to meet so you two can talk it over! Now stop asking dumb questions and do your job! You must guard the Trifle-Force with your lives!

Zigra then stampedes out of the room, slamming the door shut behind her. After a few seconds of silence, everyone lets out a long sigh.

-Toad: Oh man, that was frightening...

-Mario: I know, I almost started to wee in my slip. It looks like we're stuck with this "job", whether we like it or not....gee, and I thought this would be a chance to earn some easy extra income to perhaps pay our scriptwriters....

-Yoshi: Hmmm...so this Trifle-Force could make the most delicious dessert in the world? It does look kinda tasty....

-Toad: Yoshi, no! You'll get us all killed! This is terrible, we shouldn't stay here, that Zigra person is nuts! I don't feel safe here. I get the feeling she'll execute us at the first possible excuse she can think of. I mean, suppose she gets a bad case of PMS?

-Yoshi: You have a point...so, you're saying we have to escape and flee like a bunch of wussies?

-Mario: Why, of course! What a brilliant idea! We will escape in a discreet fashion by eviscerating Luigi, after which we can use his bones to build an escape ladder and climb out of the tower!

-Toad: Only, we've left Luigi downstairs with the luggage. And besides, it'd be easier to just escape via the door and use the stairs to get down. Like this, see?

To demonstrate, Toad swings open the exit door to the room they're standing in, only to find himself face-to-face with Zigra, who was standing right behind that same door.

-Toad: Uwaaaah!

-Zigra: Oi, turn down the noise. I only forgot me powder compact in this room.

-Toad: Oh...right...*muttering* This is another fine mess we've gotten ourselves into...

Fade out and cut to a view of High-Rise's lofty grass hills. Zoom in to a figure sitting on a tree stump, who is actually Koopa. Fryguy is sitting on the grass next to the tree stump. Koopa absent-mindedly picks his nose while humming a melody;

-Koopa: La la la...swing your arse from side to side, and then again, come on, do me Mario, tra la la, dum dee dum...

-Fryguy: P...please, Lord Koopa, such an obscene lyric is not fitting for the ruler of a great evil empire.

-Koopa: Aww, shut up. I can't help being bored. It's taking forever to find this dumb Underworld entrance thingie we're supposed to find. I wish they'd move their arses.

-Fryguy: But...but Lord Koopa, this whole plan seems so illogical to me. Why are we the ones who have to go into the dark and creepy Underworld to steal the Trifle-Force of Tangerines from the evil wizard Grumpton, while our undercover agent Princess Toadstool gets the easy job and only has to nick the Trifle-Force of Strawberries from the bright and pleasant High-Rise castle? It seems unfair to me!

-Koopa: Mwell...y'know, it was the Princess' idea. She insisted, and I was overwhelmed by her butch authority.

-Fryguy: Oh no...it looks as if Lord Koopa is not the one who wears the pants in this relation, both in the literal and the figural sense... I'm just sure that scary things will happen in this underworld when we do find the entrance!

-Koopa: Oh well, while the boys are off to find the entrance to the Underworld, I'll just read the latest issue of Foot Fethish Monthly magazine! 

-Fryguy:...I don't think he's taking the situation seriously at all.... 

But just when Koopa wants to dig into his obscene magazine, Mouser and Lakitu pop up in the background.

-Mouser: Oiii! We found it!

-Koopa: Knackers...

Cut to Koopa, Mouser, Fryguy and Lakitu standing in front of a huge stone structure resembling a gaping monster's maw, embedded in one of the grassy hillsides. Vaguely eerie organ music doodles along a bit in the background.

-Lakitu: We are quite sure that this is the so-called Underworld entrance you sent us to find, Lord Koopa.

-Koopa: It took you so long to find it? A huge thing like this? How could you have missed it?

-Lakitu: Well, for a considerable period of time, we thought it was an enormous and intricately decorated gothic pisspot.

-Mouser: Sure smells that way, at any rate.

-Koopa: Hmmm, yes...That's probably true. Well then, it's time to go. Boys, our job is to nick the fabled Trifle-Force hidden deep within this Underworld. Our undercover agent will bring us the second Trifle-Force. Now, rumor has it that when the two are put together, unlimited power will be in our hands. But first, we must face deadly perils, hordes of monsters and terrible deathtraps in this Underworld! 

-Lakitu: Excuse me, Lord Koopa, but if this Underworld is such a big deal, how come we're going in with only four people. You have a large army of monsters of your own, why not use that? With just four men, we are heading for certain death in there.

-Koopa: Ah...well, yes, that did occur to me...only, the soldiers didn't get their wages paid this month, so they're on strike. You're the only ones who followed me to High-Rise in the first place.

-Lakitu: *sigh* I knew there was a catch somewhere....

-Fryguy:...Ah...allright, that does it! I'm nuh-not going in there! It's too scary! You said there'd be deadly perils, hordes of monsters and terrible deathtraps in this Underworld, and we only have four people! It's suicide, I won't follow you, I'm way too scared! Whatever you say, I'm not going into a scary place like that with no chance of survival!

A short silence follows Fryguy's outburst during which, for a short moment, Fryguy feels the glow of having impressed the others....

-Mouser: Fine then, stay here. Who needs ya anyway?

-Lakitu: That's true, he's of no use at all, no matter what the situation is. Whether we take him with us or not makes no difference at all.

-Koopa: Too true. Well, let's go in, boys. Our undercover operative will be on her way with the other Trifle-Force soon. We must have recovered the Underworld Trifle-Force in time to meet her and put the two together. There's no time to lose!

Koopa, Mouser and Lakitu then march into the large Underworld entrance and are swallowed by the shadows. Fryguy stays behind, his lips trembling with growing sobs.

-Fryguy: They...they just left me behind? Sniff...they don't care about me at all! Waah, everybody hates me, they're all mean to me! Boo hoo, I'm so miserable....

Fade out while his whines can still be heard. Cut to a shot of Koopa, Mouser and Lakitu walking through an eerie corridor of the Underworld. Lakitu nudges Koopa and whispers to him;

-Lakitu: Milord, we should put our secret strategy into action at this moment, remember?

-Koopa: Oh, that's right...let's see now...

Koopa then clears his throat and speaks out loud with some very phony intonations, clearly acting very poorly;

-Koopa: Well, well, my my my, I say, this Underworld certainly looks creepy and dangerous. In fact, it'd almost have me a little worried. But luckily, we have our one-man SWAT team right here. He's a guy you can count on!

He pats Mouser on the shoulder a few times while saying those words. Mouser then immediately turns around and stares at Koopa with huge eyes, while his snout turns red with a blush.

-Mouser: ....Lord Koopa...

-Koopa: *a-herm* Mouser m'boy, I know you can handle this. No matter what hordes of fiends and devils will be thrown at us, you'd always protect me, with your strong, lean and firm body and excellent fighting spirit, wouldn't you?

-Mouser: Eh....uhm...*gulp* ye....yes...YES, OF COURSE!!!

Having roared out these words with his full force (causing Koopa to hold onto his ringing ears), Mouser storms off into the distance, firing random guns around him and belting out shouts of "Banzai!". Koopa then turns to Lakitu with a slightly puzzled look.

-Koopa: Errr...was that right? Those were the lines you told me to say to him, weren't they?

-Lakitu: Yes, that's it. You've memorized them well, and Mouser reacted just like I predicted he would. With him in a state like this, we don't need to be worried about any enemy or obstacle we may encounter. 

-Koopa: *blank stare*.....Ooohhhh, so -that- is how your strategy works! I get it now! Gee, how clever, I would've never thought of that!

-Lakitu: ...Errrr, right...That's exactly the problem with you.

-Koopa: Well, at this rate, we will surely find the Trifle-Force of Tangerines in time to meet the Princess with her Trifle-Force.

Fade out and cut back to the tower chamber of Zigra's castle, where the Trifle-Force of Strawberries is being kept. The "heroes" Mario, Yoshi and Toad are leaning out of a window, staring blankly, while the Princess paces up and down the room in the background.

-Toad: Gee, I never thought being in mortal peril could be so dull.

-Yoshi: Mortal peril? That sounds like a kind of praline. Maybe it's tasty...

Zoom in on the Princess, who nervously checks her watch and casts shifty glances over to the others. She mumbles to herself, unheard by the others;

-Princess: The time to put our plan into action should be just about now. I have to steal this half of the Trifle-Force and head for the appointed meeting place, where Koopa will bring me the other one. I'm not so sure anymore if these Trifle-Forces really are the source of great power that the rumors pretend them to be...a dessert thingie was not what I expected, but it won't hurt to try. We should still be able to sell them on the black market for a good price if they turn out to be just useless pieces of rubbish. Anyway, first step is to distract those three bozos.

To that end, the Princess suddenly points into the distance and shouts excitedly;

-Princess: Oohhhh! Mario, Yoshi, Toad! Look over there! It's a gigantic walking pile of cow dung!

-Mario, Yoshi & Toad: Whaaaat? Where?

Mario and the others start to intently peer out of the window at the distance. The Princess takes advantage of this time out to grab the Trifle-Force and quickly tiptoe away with it in demonstratively sneaky fashion. After a while, Toad turns around.

-Toad: What are you talking about, Princess? I don't see anything at all.....wait a minute, I still don't see anything at all.

-Mario: That's true, the room is empty all of a sudden. The Princess is no longer here, and the pedestal where that trifle thing was is empty too now.

-Mario, Toad & Yoshi: Oh, holy crap!!

-Mario: What shall we do?! The Trifle-Force has suddenly vanished! It's a catastrophe, Zigra will kill us!

-Toad: Stay calm, Mario! It's imperative that you stay cool and controlled! Be calm! You must be calm!! At any cost you -must- stay calm!!

-Mario: Errr....Your screaming doesn't exactly have a soothing effect, though...

-Yoshi: Seriously though, guys, we should think of what we should do!

At that moment, the door slams open and Zigra barges is, looking utterly furious;

-Zigra: How about you just say your prayers?!

-Toad: Kyaah! Zigra!

-Mario: There is only one honorable way out of this sure-death situation; suicide!

Mario then hops out of the tower's window. In their attempts to stop him, Yoshi and Toad end up stumbling and being dragged down with Mario. They plummet away into the depths with agonizing shrieks. But they land in a cart full of soft hay, which then rides out of the castle. Zigra, who has observed this from the high tower window, is foaming at the mouth with anger.

-Zigra: Aaarrrgh! I knew those idiots couldn't be trusted! I'm sure it's the cheap tramp in the pink dress who ripped off the Trifle-Force, she did look like a shifty thieving bitch. Right then, I want every man, woman and transsexual in the kingdom mobilized! Find them, and kill them!

Zoom out of High-Rise castle while Zigra's furious barking can still be heard, then cut to close-ups of Mario, Yoshi and Toad who's heads have popped up from the hay that saved their lives. The haycart which they're using as clandestine transportation is rolling down a small country road.

-Toad: Oh, however -did- I know that a bit of completely unlikely coincidence and improbable dumb luck would save our otherwise doomed, miserable lives?

-Mario: Because that always happens. We're short on decent plot devices. Still, at least we got out of that castle. Only now we'll have Zigra and all the manpower she can summon on our heels.

-Yoshi: By the way, what could have happened to the Princess? She has mysteriously vanished....

Everyone takes on an extremely thick, pensive expression. A flock of cawing crows flies past in the background. Toad eventually clears his throat and tries to look very serious.

-Toad: Well... All I know is that I can't make sense of it.

-Yoshi: Maybe the one who stole the Trifle-Force has eaten the Princess as well while we weren't looking!

-Mario: It could be that there is a connection of some kind between these events. It's all deeply mysterious, however. At any rate, I remember there's supposed to be a second Trifle-Force, owned by the evil wizard Grumpton who governs the Underwear.

-Toad: That's Underworld, Mario.... 

Screen fades out and the cuts to a dramatic view of an Underworld chamber. A huge throne, surrounded by eerie glowing torches is perched in the center of this room, with a figure clad in long black robes seated on it. Behind the throne, an especially intense flame glows from a sacrificail urn perched on an impressively sculpted pedestal. Zoom in to the figure on the throne to reveal that this is the evil wizard Grumpton.

-Grumpton: Hee hee hee! Aiii am the eeeevil wizzzard Grrrumpton, and Aiiii talk in a ztoooopid echoing voiiiice, so nobody can make out a worrrrd of what I'm saiyeeeeeng! Wee hee hee!

At that moment, a Stalfos skeleton rushes in and bows down before Grumpton, speaking these words;

-Stalfos: Lord Grumpton! Please drop your stupid phony echoing voice for a moment and listen carefully. We have a terrible emergency on our hands! A small group of invaders has penetrated into the Underworld and are making their way to your throne room. We're fighting them with all our manpower, but we're getting our arses kicked very royally!

-Grumpton: Gasp! Are you serious? Could it be Zigra and Lunk trying to nick my Trifle-Force of Tangerines?

-Stalfos: No, our troops have confirmed that these invaders are not Zigra and Lunk. We don't know what their motivations are either. But they're the most dangerous threat we had to face so far!

-Grumpton: Arrgh! Whoever those people are, they're after my Trifle-Force of Tangerines, I'm sure of it! I won't let them rip it off, never! Soldier, go back there and throw your full force at them! Let every single monster of the underworld bundle it's powers against them!

The nameless, unimportant Stalfos drags itself out of the room, while Grumpton plucks a tacky-looking crystal ball from underneath his wizard's robes and grins.

-Grumpton: Nee hee hee! Lucky I keep my balls cunningly stashed inside my robes where I always have them handy in case I want to play with them! Now then, after this outburst of blatantly obscene innuendo which is this show's only redeeming feature, show me, my pretty crystal ball, show me who these intruders are....

Grumpton wiggles his hands around in front of the crystal ball a bit, and it lights up briefly. Zoom in to the crystal ball, where an image of Mouser, Koopa and Lakitu appears, who are running through the corridors of the Underworld. 

-Grumpton: Hmmm, I don't know these people at all. And there are only three of them. It's hard to believe my soldiers would have such a hard time with them. Well, whoever they are, I won't let them have my Trifle-Force. Ahh, my beautiful and delicious Trifle-Force of Tangerines!

With a dramatic gesture, Grumpton turns to his Trifle-Force, located on a small pedestal right next to his throne, and begins to run his hands along the object.

-Grumpton: Oh, my yummy Trifle-Force, how I adore your rich, juicy and fruity flavor. You taste so fresh and sweet, and you're made from carefully selected, entirely natural ingredients. You look so tasty already, it's hard to imagine that you will become the most delicious dessert in the universe once I unite you with that grotty bitch Zigra's Trifle-Force of Strawberries. But one day, I will taste this ultimate dessert, it is my greatest ambition, and nobody will stop me! In the meantime, I think I'll just have a tiny little nibble from you, my delightful Trifle-Force of Tangerines. Miam, miam... But wait, this won't do! I must concentrate on the crisis at hand!

Grumpton picks up his crystal ball again and takes another look at the invaders.

-Grumpton: Hmmm...the fat guy looks vaguely familiar... Hang on! Now I remember where I've seen that one before!

He digs into the many folds of his black robes again, this time to produce a newspaper which he unfolds in front of him. Cut to a close-up of this newspaper where Koopa's photo is featured on a page with the following header;

-Perverted Would-be Megalomaniac founds Association for Foot-Fethish Awareness-

The camera then scrolls down to reveal a portion of the article's text underneath the large photo of Koopa, which reads thus; 

-Recently, a bold initiative has been taken up by local celebrity King Koopa (a.k.a Bowser Koopa, but our writers are in denial about it). He has founded a society to promote the awareness and emancipation of the world-wide foot lover's movement, with the catchy name of "Friends of Feet". Of course, the fact that the FoF still has no such things as a programme, fundings or a budget of any kind may strike one as hopelessly stupid, but multiple sexual harassment suspect Koopa is optimistic nonetheless, idiot that he is.-

Cut back to Grumpton who flings away this newspaper and flashes a huge grin.

-Grumpton: I see, I see! I have unearthed a capital weakness in my enemy. This gives me the advantage now! This Koopa must be strong to battle my troops with such success, but his obsession with feet will be his downfall! He will never get his hands on my Trifle-Force of Tangerines alive!

Grumpton giggles hysterically as the screen fades out and cuts to a shot of Mouser holding a hand grenade. A horde of underworld monsters is assembling in the background, ready to rush at him, but he merely smirks, removes the grenade's pin and chucks it at the monsters, who immediately die in the fiery explosion.

-Mouser: Pff, this is almost too easy. Why do big overlord nasties always depend on such crap underlings?

-Lakitu: Beats me. But at any rate, that lot you just blew up seem to have been the last of them for the time being. This hall's all clear, we can move on, now.

The three of them proceed through a large hallway littered with the corpses of Grumpton's soldiers, until suddenly, a loud rumbling noise is heard. They turn around to see a large door in the wall to their right slowly sliding open.

-Lakitu: That door opening slowly... is it a new attack wave? What's behind that door?

With a loud clank, the door finally slides open completely. Cut to a close-up of Mouser, Lakitu and Koopa's faces staring in amazement at what has just been revealed to them.

-Mouser: Well, that certainly is....different.

-Lakitu: Yes...it is, rather....

-Koopa: Brilliant! It's magnificent! Delicious! Irresistible! 

Cut to a shot of the three standing in the large doorway which, now fully open, reveals a room where a giant pink plush foot rests against the wall.

-Koopa: It's a huge footsie!

Screen zooms out to some dramatic music chords, then fades out and cuts to Fryguy, sitting on the grass in front of the Underworld entrance, sobbing miserably.

-Fryguy: Boo hoo...sniff, they really left me here to die all alone. They don't care about me at all. Everyone hates me... Fine then, if it's like that, I'm going to kill myself! I'll stick my head in a bucket of water! Serves them right!

He rises up in determination, only to jump aside with a frightened shriek again as the bushes behind him move and the Princess, carrying the Trifle-Force of Strawberries emerges from the thicket, giving him a blank stare.

-Princess: Oh, you're that wussy one who smokes too much. I seem to be on time after all. Quickly, tell me where Koopa is.

-Fryguy: Ye...yes, he's in there. But it's scary there....

Fryguy timidly points to the underworld gate behind him. The Princess looks at it for a while, then begins to walk in the gate's direction, taking Fryguy's hand and dragging him along with her.

-Princess: Right, let's get going, then.

-Fryguy: What are you saying?! No! I don't want to go in there! Eeeek! No! Lemme go, leggo, leggo, leggo! Heeelp! I'm being abducted! Ayeeehh! I want my mommeeee!

-Princess: Will you shut up, or do you want to alert every monster in there with that noise?! Now, you're going to lead me to Koopa, and quickly. Any minute now, that maniac Zigra might pick up my trail and come this way, and she -definitely- is more scary and deadly than you can imagine. It's imperative that I get to Koopa and we scram as quickly as can be, or we will -all- die! And if you don't keep quiet, I'll empty a bottle of mineral water over your head!

-Fryguy: Uhm...only, I don't know where lord Koopa is in there....

Zoom out to reveal that they've penetrated a good deal into the underworld's hall by now. A solid door slides down behind them, blocking the path back to the exit.

-Princess: Now you tell me?! You idiot! You complete and absolute useless idiot!

-Fryguy: Eeeek! Don't shout or do anything scary, pleeeease! I'm so terrified already, I could just have a fatal heart attack! Why does scary stuff like that happen all the time, it's so unfair...sniff, whine....

-Princess: Well, at least this way, there's less chance of Zigra tracking me down.

Cut to a shot outside of the Underworld entrance. The hay cart carrying Mario, Yoshi and Toad comes trundling past slowly. Suddenly, a noise is heard and a sharp arrow cleaves through the air, killing the old man that was driving the hay cart with a clean shot through the head. Zigra and a batallion of soldiers then appear, and upon her command, the soldiers point their bows at the hay cart. Zigra then speaks up in a loud and commanding tone;

-Zigra: Allright, you kleptomaniac bastards! We know you're hiding in that hay cart, now come out at once or we'll turn you into humanoid pin cushions!

Mario, Toad and Yoshi emerge from the large stash of hay, trembling somewhat.

-Toad: Oh crap... we're all dead now.

-Zigra: Damn right you are. Now tell me where you've left my Trifle-Force and you may still get some mercy.

-Yoshi: Uhm...but, we don't know where it is. We didn't steal it, honestly!

-Zigra: Don't play dumb with me, I know it was that sneaky one in the pink dress who nicked it. She's part of your whole scam too, after all. Now talk or die!

-Mario: She suspects the Princess? But surely, the Princess would never do such a thing. Female characters are not to undertake any kind of action on their own free initiative in a regressive series such as this one.

-Toad: All the same, we'd better tell them something quickly, before they execute us all. I think I know something...

Toad then clears his throat and takes a step forward, evidently preparing a big speech.

-Toad: Now hold on, if you kill us now, you will never know where your Trifle-Force is!

-Zigra: Ah-hah! So you -do- know where it is! Speak up immediately, or one of your comrades dies!

-Toad: Oops...ehm...errr, it's in there!

Toad dramatically points to the Underworld entrance behind them, looking very smug at the solution he just thought of. Zigra, however grins evilly. At the next moment, Toad, Mario and Yoshi are being forced into the underworld by arrow-pokes from Zigra's soldiers, while their leader angrily shouts at them;

-Zigra: Then you're going to lead me to it! Take me to the place where you're hiding the trifle-force in the Underworld, and if it turns out you've told me lies, you'll all die gruesomely!

-Yoshi: Oh no, this mess is just getting worse by the second... Your solution was rubbish, Toad!

-Toad: Well, I had to say -something-, it was the only thing I could think of. But I still wonder what happened to the Princess. Zigra thinks she's the thief, but in fact we don't know where she might be at all....

Cut to a shot of the Princess walking through a corridor deep in the Underworld, with a somewhat calmed down, but still nervously trembling Fryguy next to her.

-Princess: Damn, this is taking forever. You're sure Koopa went into this big gate and is around here -somewhere-?

-Fryguy: Uh....uhm, yes, he's got to be in here, but I told you, I don't know where. 

A short silence follows, until Fryguy speaks up again;

-Fryguy: Errr...miss, can I ask you a question?

-Princess: No!

-Fryguy: How mean of you! If you keep being so mean, I'm going to cry!

-Princess: Oh, allright, allright, ask me your stupid question already, but knock off the whining! It's driving me up the wall, I feel like an overstressed baby-sitter around this hopeless wimp.

-Fryguy: Uhm...well, anyway, what I wanted to ask is about Lord Koopa. Uhm....has he ever, well, actually...ehm, has he said something about.....errr, that he had a hot flash for you?

-Princess: Eh? Koopa has said a lot of strange things, but not that one, I am quite sure.

-Fryguy: He hasn't? But...but still, Lord Koopa and you are...ehm, well, you -are-...errr...y'know...

-Princess: Look, don't make it into a big sentimental saga of some kind, kid. Koopa is a decent diversion for me, no more no less. An excuse to kill time in an excessively violent fashion when I feel bored, that's all. 

-Fryguy: Really? Hmm...that's strange...*thinking to himself* I...I don't understand these adult matters. It's so complicated, I don't know what to think about it....it's even kinda scary.

-Princess: Though I'll say this, right now Koopa's been nothing but a pain in the arse. It's only because I need to find him that I'm aimlessly wandering through this Underworld with an irritating crybaby dragging along. What a bother! He'd better have a good excuse ready when I do get a hold of him, or else...

-Fryguy: Eep, she...she's pretty scary as well...

Fade out and cut to a shot of Koopa, Mouser and Lakitu still standing in the doorway leading to the chamber containing a giant pink plush foot. Koopa is staring at it in excitement and disbelief.

-Koopa: This is....it's amazing, that's the largest footsie I've ever seen! Ahhh, I want it! I must fondle it's toes, rub it's heel and nibble at it's juicy texture...slurrrp, come to papa!

-Lakitu: No, wait! Lord Koopa! They're obviously trying to lure you into that chamber, it's too dangerous! Chances are high that room contains a lethal death-trap which they've set up with that foot as bait to reel you into the snapping jaws of death! For goodness' sake, don't go in there!

-Koopa: Shut up! I don't care! My lowly sexual pulsations by far overpower my voice of reason! Even if it kills me, I -must- grab that giant foot! Gangway!

Koopa then pushes Lakitu aside and storms into the room, with his hands stretched out towards the giant foot. However, no sooner does he set foot on the chamber's floor than the very floor caves in underneath him to reveal and giant gaping pit into which he plummets with a shriek. Koopa disappears into the deep darkness of the pit that has opened up, leaving Lakitu and Mouser staring into the black abbyss.

-Lakitu: I warned him, I did -so- warn him, but does he listen? Naaahh.

-Mouser: Lord Koopa! I won't let him die! Chaaarge!

Pushing past Lakitu as well, Mouser then dives into the pit after Koopa and vanishes. Lakitu is left staring on his own.

-Lakitu: ....I'm surrounded by boneheads. What am I supposed to do now?

Just then, Fryguy and the Princess pop up behind Lakitu and speak up;

-Fryguy: Lakitu, it's you! Thank goodness we found you, this place is so scary!

-Princess: It took us ages to finally find a living soul, even if the screen time doesn't reflect this at all. Now hurry up, I just wanna find Koopa and get the hell out of this Underworld and out of this insane kingdom, before we all get killed. So go on, where is Koopa?

-Lakitu: Uhm...you two pop up outta nowhere, half frighten me to death and don't even explain?

-Princess: Don't talk back, you hideously deformed little twerp! Screw the explaining and tell me where Koopa is already!

-Lakitu: Uhm...he fell down there.

Lakitu points to the gaping giant hole in front of them. The Princess grabs her forehead with both hands in exasperation while Fryguy trembles nervously.

-Fryguy: Tha...that sure looks scary....do you...do you think Lord Koopa is allright? Or will he have been torn to gory ribbons of flesh by now by some unspeakable horror?

-Lakitu: Hard to tell...Mouser went in after him. That may either be a good thing or a very, very bad thing.....

Fade out and cut to a shot of Koopa falling down the very deep pit while gesticulating wildly.

-Koopa: Naaaw! I'm falling! Eeeek! Oh heck, I sure hope this isn't being filmed from a suggestive angle...

Just then, Mouser's voice resounds, barking out Koopa's name at full blast. He comes hurtling down the pit, dive-bombing forward to catch up with the falling Koopa, whose hands he manages to grab.

-Mouser: Lord Koopa! I've got you!

-Koopa: And what the hell difference does that make?! We're still falling, and the ground below looks very hard and certainly lethal! Awww, crap, I would have so liked to wear my raspberry-color silk bloomers when I die, they are -just- the thing to get splattered to a gory pulp in....Waah! I don't wanna die improperly dressed!

-Mouser: Well, y'know, people have been known to survive several certain-death situations due to the iffy logistics of this series. Drowning, suffocating in space and long, seemingly lethal falls are often survived. Maybe we'll be allright after all...

-Koopa: I'd rather not take my chances! If we take -this- long to hit the pit's bottom, they sure as hell won't waste the dramatic effect by letting us survive. Even our executives aren't -that- stupid.

-Mouser: Maybe you have a point... Bah, makes no difference, a mere collision with a floor won't kill Super Mouser! Lord Koopa, hold onto me very tightly now!

With Koopa clinging on, Mouser then lunges both his feet forward with a bellow of "Nuclear Meteorite Drop-Kick!". While a shimmering aura surrounds his feet, he blasts forward in the direction of the pit's hard stone floor. The floor caves in under the kick's impact as if it's mere paper. Such is the force of Mouser's kick that he and Koopa go sailing through several layers of Underworld floors and ceilings, until they come to a halt in a deep, dark chamber all the way at the bottom.

-Mouser: Maybe I overdid it a little...anyway, this must be the bottom floor, the very last level of the Underworld...

-Koopa:....Mouser....I never knew he was a man with strong feet like that....oh my *slight blush*.

But just then, a clank of determined footsteps resounds, and the wizard Grumpton appears in front of them, clutching the Trifle-Force of Tangerines. Camera zooms out to reveal that they are in his dramatic throne room, while he speaks up;

-Grumpton: Right, I won't bother to do my stupid phony voice trick, just tell me how in the world you dare to come crashing in like this, destroying the ceiling of my throne chamber?

-Koopa: Oh! The Trifle-Force of Tangerines!

-Grumpton: Hah! I know you want it, but you'll never get it! You'll have to kill me before you can lay hands on my delicious and non-fattening Trifle-Force!

-Mouser: Oh, okay. If that's what you want.

With utmost calm, Mouser takes out a large missile launcher, loads a rocket into it and points it at Grumpton, who is by now covered in pouring sweat.

-Grumpton: Errr....on the other hand...uhm...hah! But even if I stand no chance against your weaponry and would surely die in battle against you, you -still- won't get my Trifle-Force, because I'll just run away like an absolute wuss with it! Wuhahaha!

With a huge grin on his face, Grumpton then turns tail and legs it at full speed, slightly surprising Mouser.

-Mouser: Ah, crap! After him!

Cut to Grumpton running with full force through the underworld corridors with hysterical laughter. Mouser charges after him, dragging Koopa behind him with one hand and clenching a swan-off shotgun in the other. However, Grumpton's wiggling around makes it difficult to aim, and the chase continues pointlessly while missed shotgun blasts explode here and there. Cut to a shot of Fryguy, Lakitu and the Princess who are still looking at the black pit, not sure what they should do now. From a distance, the noise of Grumpton's giggles and Mouser's gunshots fades in and slowly swells to a louder level as their footsteps come closer.

-Fryguy: Eeek! That noise! Something's coming towards us! Mommy, I'm scared! Help me!

Grumpton's shape appears in the distance, still running at hysterical pace, with Mouser and Koopa chasing him. From the corner of his eye, Grumpton spots the Trifle-Force of Strawberries in the Princess' hands. His immediate reflex is to snatch it from her hands rapidly as he and his chasers run past, which leaves the Princess deeply shocked.

-Princess: That bastard! He filched the Trifle-Force from me! I stole that with my own hands! After him, the thieving git!

-Fryguy: But it's scary! I don't want to run after that person!

-Lakitu: Fine then, we'll just leave you behind to die on your own again.

-Fryguy: Ohhh no, no way! I'm following you allright...even if I am scared....

Lakitu and Fryguy then give chase as well along with the Princess. The three of them catch up with Mouser and Koopa and form a small group that runs after Grumpton angrily. But Grumpton is in a state of ecstatic joy, grinning at the two Trifle-Forces he's holding.

-Grumpton: Hee hee ha ha ha! I don't believe it! Both Trifle-Forces are mine, and it was so easy to rip off the second one! After all this time, my efforts have paid off! The most delicious dessert in the world will be mine to devour! Woopeee!

But at that moment, the commanding voice of Zigra resounds, yelling out Grumpton's name. Grumpton, surprised, stands still as do Mouser and his group. Looking up, they spot Zigra and a battalion of soldiers standing in front of them, with Mario, Yoshi and Toad still as prisoners. 

-Grumpton: Hah! You're too late, Zigra! Both Trifle-Forces are mine, and you shall now witness the most yummy dessert in the universe being created, just for me! Behold!

He then pushes both the Trifle-Force of Strawberries and the Trifle-Force of Tangerines against each other, an a bright flash results. The light slowly dims, and Grumpton finds himself holding a shiny plate with a large, intricately decorated pink pudding coated in a glowing halo placed on it.

-Grumpton: Ahhh! There it is, the most tasty dessert of all times! It's sugary aroma gently caresses my nostrils, and it's soft texture and appealing appearance look most inviting to my tastebuds. Time to dig in!

-Zigra: No! I will not allow you! Soldiers, take aim!

The soldiers of Zigra all load sharp, pointy arrows onto their bows and aim them at Grumpton, who looks a bit puzzled.

-Grumpton: Uh-oh....

-Zigra: Make one more move and you're dead! Now drop that Trifle-Force!

Grumpton lets got of the large pudding's plate, and it crashes to the floor, turning the fabulous legendary super-dessert into just a mess of sludge and broken crockery, mixed with the floor's dirt. Zigra grips her forehead and begins to scream.

-Zigra: Nooo! What have I done? I should've rephrased that!

-Grumpton: This is all your fault! The most delicious dessert in the universe is ruined, and now nobody will ever taste it!

-Zigra: My fault? You're the one who hurled it onto the ground, nobody said you -had- to!

-Grumpton: -You- did. Zigra, I won't forgive you for this!

-Zigra: No, no, wait, let's blame the whole thing on those prisoners of mine that wanted to work for me and those intruders that were chasing you. That way, we can take out all of our irritation on them for hardly any good reason!

-Grumpton: Hmm...doesn't sound bad. Only, where have they gotten to?

Zoom out to reveal that both Mario's group and Koopa's group have vanished from the scene. Zigra and Grumpton look a bit dumbfounded at this. Cut to a shot of the Underworld entrance gate. Mario, Yoshi and Toad come rushing out of the gateway in panic.

-Mario: Run away! Now's our chance to make a run for it and get the hell out of here! Run, run!

They rush away as quickly as they can. The Princess and Koopa's group come out of the Underworld as well, looking a bit panicky.

-Princess: Mario has a point, we had better make a quick run for it before things get hairy again. I can't believe all this fuss is made over just a stupid pudding. Your plan was really crap this time, Koopa!

-Koopa: Oi, it was -your- plan in the first place, don't blame me if it was crap!

-Princess: It would've worked if you hadn't screwed up! You idiot!

She makes an obscene gesture at Koopa and then legs it, joining Mario's group who are still running away in the distance.

-Koopa: Fine then! Same back to you! Nyah! I don't care! Now then, men, we are running away from this place! At my command....flee like total wusses!

Koopa, Mouser, Lakitu and a very happy-looking Fryguy then run away at full pelt to disappear at the horizon. The angry shrieking voices of Zigra and Grumpton can still be heard emanating from the Underworld entrance gate as the screen zooms out. Cut to a shot of Triclyde standing on a hill overlooking the High-Rise kingdom. The fleeing Mario group rushes past in the distance with a lot of noise. Lefty looks over to Clyde.

-Lefty: Nice, quiet little kingdom, he says. Mere medieval technology, easy to overrun and build our evil empire's headquarters in, he sais. Yeah, right.

-Clyde: Oh, shut yer face already! How was I supposed to know everyone in this place was nuts? But it makes no difference, we'll find another place to build our base of operations, and once we have that, we can start planning the conquest of the universe good and proper!

-Righty: It's just a shame we can't afford such a thing at the moment. Our bank account is completely drained after all the research and development we paid for to create Ushinator...we seem to be rather stuck.

-Clyde: No, we're not! This is just a temporary setback, world peace has only bought itself some time! Just you wait...Our time of glory will come, certainly!

He laughs hysterically as the screen zooms out to a birds-eye view of High-Rise. Some silly music plays while the screen slowly fades out.


	17. Episode 17: Imbecile's Incident on the O...

-Mario: ...skcus ti ,esruoc fo dnA !niaga ecno wohS ykaerF 'srehtorB oiraM repuS eht si sihT !stoidi uoy ,olleH  
  
Episode 17: Imbecile's Incident on the Open Sea  
  
-"Plumber's log, number 0700 G-A. The once-peaceful Gatling Ocean had become the theater of a great tragedy. This calm sea, with small fisherman islands dotted here and there has fallen prey to relentless attacks from a fearsome pirate captain and his nasty crew, ripping off the population's money, valuables and bus passes during their rampages. These invaders call themselves Kaptain Kink and the Butt Pirates. With a name like that, it's almost certain that Koopa is behind this. And so, we set sail to combat these fiends and free the Gatling Ocean from their claws..."-  
  
Fade in to a wide view of the clear blue Gatling Ocean. Somewhere on the sparkling blue sea, a small boat is floating. Zoom in to this boat to reveal Mario standing on its deck, looking out over the sea with his arms folded across his chest and a serious look on his face.  
  
-Mario: Ah yes, I certainly did sound cool during that little "plumber's log" bit. Praised be my greatness... It's just a shame we can't seem to locate the Butt Pirates' ship. We lost all trace of them after Yoshi ate the maps and compasses.  
  
At that moment, Toad comes walking past, holding a small portable TV. He's fiddling with the control dial while the TV just emits some random static.  
  
-Toad: Crap, I just can't get the Hermaphrodite Hardcore channel on this crummy thing...  
  
-Mario: Ah, wait a minute, Toad! Can you see if there's a news broadcast on that TV? There may be reports of the Butt Pirates' attacks, it's a frequent news item in this region. Maybe that way we can get a rough idea of their location again.  
  
-Toad: Oh, allright. News broadcasts are easy to come by, there's always one on somewhere. Give me a minute with this...  
  
Toad twiddles the controls of his portable TV a bit more, until an image appears on the screen. Zoom in to the portable TV screen, where the logo of "Gatling Ocean sailing news" appears with some cheesy music backing it. The screen then shows an image of Wario as the newsreader in formal attire, trying to look dignified.  
  
-Wario: Good afternoon and welcome to the Gatling Ocean sailing news. Ha ha ha ha! Hellooo-oohh! It's me, the tremendous Wario! Did you miss me? Look, look, I managed to get a cameo part for this episode! Yay for me! I'm awesome!  
  
Cut back to a shot of Mario and Toad looking at the TV, somewhat dumbfounded. Some more of Wario's warbling can be heard from the TV.  
  
-Mario: Hmm...yah... Where did you get that portable TV gizmo anyway?  
  
-Toad: I stole it from a shop in the port town we last moored our ship in. This isn't a very good news broadcast. I'd better see if something more informative is on.  
  
When Toad reaches for the control dial of the TV again, Wario's voice increases in volume, now with a slight tinge of panic to it.  
  
-Wario: No, no, no! Don't change the channel, I was just getting to the news! Please, and it's just what you want to hear! Honest! We just have reports in that the Butt Pirates have committed another violent plundering session. This time, the victim of their violence has been the small island of Parker. After nicking all available goods from the island, killing the entire population and setting every building on fire approximately an hour ago, they are now heading west with a speed of roughly 50 knots per hour. Now that that's out of the way we can go back to raving about me!  
  
Toad then switches off the TV and looks up to Mario.  
  
-Toad: Heading west from Parker island at 50 knots per hour. We've got a trace on them now!  
  
-Mario: Understood! Lift the sails! All anchors on deck! And other such random jargon! With this info, we'll be able to track down their ship and attack them. About bloody time too, we were drifting aimlessly for a good full week and it had me bored shitless. Ahh, a heroic battle, fought for a just and upright cause will do me good!  
  
-Toad: Hmm... Mario gets so carried away with his dumb routine.  
  
Fade out and cut to a shot of a large flag, fluttering in the wind at the peak of a ship's mast. The flag has an image of a silly cartoon skull licking a large pink foot printed on it. Camera then scrolls down to reveal the Butt Pirates' ship in its full glory: the Taurus. Lakitu and Fryguy are on deck, looking out over the sea. Fryguy is shaking somewhat, while tears occasionally well up in his eyes.  
  
-Fryguy: La...Lakitu, I want to go home! I hate the sea, it's so scary, with all this water around. You know I hate water, it's what scares me the most of all things. Please Lakitu, when are we getting out of here? Another day at sea will be too scary for me to take! I'll die of panic and stress if we don't go home soon!  
  
-Lakitu: Enough already, Fryguy. It's not up to me to decide when we'll leave the Gatling Ocean. Lord Koopa took us here with a plan to steal as many treasures as possible, and we're not leaving until he's decided that we have gathered enough treasure. But what he's planning to do with all these treasures I don't really know...  
  
Footsteps are then heard, and Mouser walks past with a broad grin, humming a daft tune.  
  
-Mouser: Hum dee dum...in the navy, yes you can sail the seven seas. In the navy... errr... everyone's on LSD. Hmm, no, that's not right.  
  
-Fryguy: Ah, Mouser, we were wondering how long Lord Koopa wants us to keep collecting treasures on this scary sea...  
  
-Lakitu: And for what purpose he wants to gather all these treasures...  
  
-Mouser: Oh, I see. And because I'm the person closest to Lord Koopa, intimately familiar with every corner of his body and soul, you're turning to me with your question. Of course, of course, ha ha ha!  
  
-Lakitu: Err... How about just 'no?' If you know anything about these matters, you might as well tell us. It's my guess that Lord Koopa plans to use these treasures as funds to upgrade our weaponry, increase our defenses and invest in secret weapons research.  
  
-Mouser: You're wrong. Gemey Maybelline is releasing a new line of foot lotion next month and he wants to buy in a really big stock of it.  
  
-Lakitu: Oh, bloody heck. I should have known it would be something utterly stupid...  
  
-Mouser: And according to him, we have just about enough moolah by now for that.  
  
-Fryguy: Re... really? Ah, I'm so glad to hear it! That means we should be able to go home soon! I hope we can leave this horrible sea before anything scary happens.  
  
However, just at that moment, a voice is heard from above. Clawgrip, up in the crow's nest is holding a telescope between his pincers and shouting orders down to the men on the deck;  
  
-Clawgrip: Oiii, we're going to have trouble! I've just spotted a ship nearing us from the north, with a Mushroom Kingdom flag on it. Probably Mario and the others trying to attack us!  
  
-Fryguy: Oh nooo! Now it's getting scary after all! Boohh, where is my mommy?  
  
-Mouser: Nya ha ha ha! Let them come if they think they're hard enough. I could do with a bit of a fight to liven things up!  
  
Soon, Mario's ship has neared the Taurus. Yoshi, Toad, the princess and Mario, holding Luigi in his hand are glaring angrily at their enemies from the deck of their ship. Mouser, Koopa (in a fetching Captain Hook costume, complete with loads of frilly bits and feathers), Lakitu and Clawgrip, with Fryguy hiding behind the large crab and sobbing miserably return a determined taunting stare from the Taurus. Zoom out to a shot of the two battle-ready ships heading towards each other, with some dramatic music playing. Camera then zooms down to show a small robotic fish, floating in the water and taking in footage of the two ships with a head-mounted camera lens. Cut to a shot deep below the ocean surface, where the dark shape of a large submarine of some kind ominously floats past. Fade to black, then cut to a shot inside this submarine, where images of Mario and Koopa's ships are being transferred to a multitude of monitors who eerily light an otherwise dark room with their glow. In front of all these monitors, a cloaked figure is standing, who then turns around to face the camera and is revealed as Triclyde.  
  
-Triclyde: I obstinately refuse to believe what I've just seen. I mean, it's bloody ridiculous! We scrape and beg for hours at the bank to get one last loan from them, we take the time and effort to build this fully-armed underwater fortress with our hard-earned money, we go to a nice, peaceful ocean with the intention to rob tons of dosh, thus re-paying our by now rather huge debt at the bank and get back to grand, but expensive world- dominating schemes, and just look at what happens! The minute we get here, it turns out both our mortal rivals are already here, nicking treasures from under our noses, and likely to beat us up and ruin everything if we cross their paths! It's unfair! And I worked so hard for this! I hate my life! I can't take this anymore! I want to go back home to my mom-meee-hee- hee... Boo-hoo-hoo! Sob! Whine!  
  
Lefty then takes a kleenex between his jaws and wipes away Clyde's tears of despair, while Righty tries to calm him down with soothing words;  
  
-Righty: There, there. Don't cry, Clyde. You're a big boy now.  
  
-Triclyde: But...but they already did this to us in the last episode. The bastards!  
  
-Righty: Now, now. You know that's how it is with rubbish TV shows; there's no originality at all and plot elements are recycled with frightening regularity. There's no need to go hysterical over this. And besides, this time we've got our lovely Desert Eagle atomic submarine base, with deadly and powerful servants to do our every bidding. So stop crying, it's going to be all right.  
  
-Lefty: Here, do you want a sucker?  
  
-Triclyde: Sniff... Okay.  
  
Lefty clutches a large lollipop between his teeth and holds it in front of Clyde, who snatches the thing in his jaws. While Clyde obediently sucks on the lollipop, Lefty and Righty have a quick conversation.  
  
-Righty: Shit. I hate it when our central brain has a nervous breakdown.  
  
-Lefty: He is under a lot of pressure. Now, what do you reckon we should do about Koopa and Mario's forces? Our plan was to launch a surprise attack on the Gatling Ocean and plunder its every corner. We need the money badly; our funds have been utterly drained ever since Ushinator was defeated, and we'll never have a good chance at taking over the entire cosmos without the money to back it. Gee, megalomania is turning out to be an expensive hobby...  
  
-Righty: Anyway, but now, by a stroke of sheer, unexpected coincidence (yeah, right), our mortal rivals who always beat the pants off us are already here, probably with the same thing in mind as us. I did hear about a certain gang of Butt Pirates going kleptomaniac around here. That's probably Koopa and his boys. But I think this might be an opportunity for us, if we play it right. Koopa and Mario seem to be about to engage in battle. If we wait until they've beaten the crap out of each other and then send in our own men to finish them off when they're already weakened, we can dispose of them, and nick the treasure they've collected, thus killing two birds with one stone.  
  
-Triclyde: Why... why yes, that's it! Brilliant! We do have a chance this way! Banzaaaii!  
  
Shouting out these words with his mouth wide open, however, causes the lollipop Clyde was eating to drop from his mouth and land on the floor with a thud noise. Clyde's eyes widen in shock upon this sight.  
  
-Triclyde: Ah! Oh no, I've dropped my candy! Boohhh, I want to die!  
  
-Lefty: He really needs to take a vacation someday... But that doesn't matter now. Smith! Wesson! Get over here at once!  
  
Two figures advance from the shadows upon this command. A blond young man in a white costume comes forward and bows deeply before Triclyde, uttering these words;  
  
-"Captain Triclyde, I am your humble servant Smith, ready to do your every bidding..."  
  
Smith is followed by a blue-haired man in a black costume, who makes his entrance with these words;  
  
-"Si, and I am Wesson, from la muy guapa Italia! I live to serve you, mi generalissimo!"  
  
-Righty: I'm sure that's why you're babbling in Spanish like a complete dolt... But it makes no difference. Smith, Wesson, observe the surveillance monitors closely. We'll send you to the surface soon to finish the battle that's about to take place.  
  
They all turn back to the monitors, where the two ships have now closed in on each other. Fade out and cut back to the surface. Zoom in to the Mushroom Kingdom ship's deck. Mario has tied a thick rope around Luigi's ankles and is grinning widely.  
  
-Mario: Good, we are within range now! With my new technique, it will be easy to enter the enemy ship and be the first to strike. The Luigi Harpoon Technique is just the thing for this!  
  
Mario then yanks open Luigi's jaws, while the sound of bones snapping is heard. With Luigi's mouth fixed into a wide open position, Mario thwirls the rope around a few times before launching his improvised projectile at the Taurus. Luigi hurtles through the air and finally embeds his teeth firmly into the Taurus' wooden railings as his jaws snap shut.  
  
-Mario: Bullseye! We've gotten hold of them, now the battle can really get started!  
  
Cut to the deck of the Taurus, where the atmosphere is turning to slight distress.  
  
-Fryguy: Eeeek! They're trying to enter us! They already roped us with that freaky harpoon thing. If they get onto our deck, it'll get way too scary! Somebody do something!  
  
-Lakitu: Quick! Chop that living harpoon's head off!  
  
But just when Clawgrip, acting upon Lakitu's advice runs towards Luigi with a sharp axe held between his pincers, a wooshing noise is heard and Mario, Yoshi, Toad and the princess land on the deck of the Taurus with a dramatic jump.  
  
-Mario: You bastards have spread terror and perversion in this peaceful land, but now it's time to pay for your crimes!  
  
-Princess: (muttering to herself) What is Koopa thinking of, going away on a long cruise and not even inviting me along? He had better have a good excuse ready for this...  
  
-Toad: Princess, were you just saying something?  
  
-Princess: Huh? Oh, nothing at all, I haven't said a word, you must be hearing things. Now stop being a pain in the bum and start fighting already!  
  
-Koopa: I see, it's come to this, we will actually have to fight. Very well, listen up, all of my valliant Butt Pirates! First, the entire armada of Koopa Troopas! Attack!  
  
A long row of Koopa Troopas, all dressed in cheesy pirate outfits runs onto the deck of the Taurus after these words from Koopa and take on fighting poses, staring at the Mario gang.  
  
-Koopa: Ready? Fight, Butt Pirate Troopas!  
  
-Toad: Holy smoke, there's a whole load of Koopa Troopas to deal with. We're outnumbered by far, the outlook is bleak! How intensely dramatic all this is! Mario, what are we going to do?  
  
-Mario: I reckon we should kill them all by repeatedly stabbing them with a sharp kitchen knife, then finish them off by embedding a heavy axe into their skulls. Behold!  
  
Mario walks over to the horde of Koopa Troopas and takes on a pensive stance for a while. The Troopas don't move a muscle. After taking out a kitchen knife and polishing it with a tissue for a bit, Mario goes up to the leftmost Troopa, precisely selects the angle from which to stab, and then repeatedly plunges his knife into the Troopa, who up to now still hasn't moved. When the Troopa sinks to the ground in agony, Mario takes out an axe and small grindstone, sets up the grindstone and activates it, sharpens his axe on it for a while, and when it's properly sharpened, he hammers his axe into the stabbed Troopa's skull. Once the first Troopa is thus killed, Mario pulls his axe out of the gory mess of mashed internal organs, takes out a hanky and wipes the blood off its blade. The remaining Troopas are still standing utterly motionless. Mario heads for the next Troopa in line, takes out the kitchen knife again and repeats the entire process. Koopa and the others are looking at this scene a little dumbfounded. Koopa addresses Lakitu in these words while Mario leisurely continues to decimate his troops with this slow, but effective method.  
  
-Koopa: Oi, what's the matter with my Troopas, I told them to attack, but they're not moving. Didn't they hear me? And why are they just standing there, even though they are in grave danger, and being slaughtered systematically?  
  
-Lakitu: Well milord, that little problem seems to crop up fairly often. You see, the animators are all out of their minds, so it happens that the Troopas don't exactly move when Mario is either running away, or beating them up. The lousy animation is also to blame for the long delay between the moment when you give your orders, and the moment when the Troopas are actually drawn doing something. It's all a bit pants, in fact.  
  
-Koopa: I'll say it is. Oi, Troopas! You bunch of stupid wankers, I told you to attack! At least don't just stand there while you're getting killed! Move a muscle, wave your arms about, fart or whatever, just do something! Move, you smelly morons!  
  
But Koopa's shouting has no effect, and the Troopas just remain frozen solid while Mario murders every one of them. When just one Troopa is left, the sole survivor's face suddenly lights up, and he rushes towards Mario, shrieking wildly. But Mario just chucks his kitchen knife at the final Troopa, who gets the blade right between the eyes and dies instantly.  
  
-Toad: Oh! That sure was close, but with his lightning reflexes, Mario has managed to intercept the thunderingly quick surprise attack of Koopa's men at the very last possible second!  
  
-Princess: Toad, do you really believe in this dramatizing of yours?  
  
-Toad: Nah... Still, it sounds kinda cool.  
  
-Koopa: Allright then, this is quite enough! You may have killed all my Troopas because the painfully slow and rotten animation was on your side, but now we're going to fight for ourselves. And we'll beat your pants off, or I'll eat my S&M toys! Mouser, Lakitu, Clawgrip, go for it! And don't you dare stand around staring as well now! As for you, Fryguy, try not to be too much of a nuisance.  
  
Something resembling a proper battle then begins. Fryguy gives a frightened squeak and climbs way up into the crow's nest, where he hides away, shivering wildly. Lakitu takes on Toad, chucking spiked balls at the mushroom, who avoids the projectiles by jumping and running about a bit. Clawgrip takes on Yoshi and uses his large pincers to block the repeated lashing of Yoshi's long tongue. Mouser immediately goes after Mario, roaring furious battle cries. But Mario nimbly uses Luigi as a club to deflect the bombs and grenades that Mouser throws at him. Finally, the princess walks up to Koopa with an angry stare, and they engage in a heated verbal argument, flinging obscene words around by the bucketload. The fighting continues for a while, until a few decisive blows fall. Koopa and the princess, having reached a level of anger where verbal abuse is no longer a sufficient outlet for their fury instead turn to physical violence and promptly punch each other unconscious. Toad has found the needed lapse of time to jump high into the air and come crashing down on Lakitu's face with a drop-kick, while Lakitu still manages to shove a spiked ball in Toad's face before taking the blow. They both sink to the ground, gravely injured. Yoshi and Clawgrip have been so immersed in their fight that they've failed to notice the limits of fighting on a ship's upper deck and have both managed to stumble and fall off the boat. They are now hanging on to a few anchor chains for dear life, Yoshi using his tongue and Clawgrip his pincers, with the cold, deep sea looming just below them. Only Mouser and Mario are still standing. They are both covered in sweat and breathing heavily from the effort, but Mouser is determined to deal the finishing blow.  
  
-Mouser: Now it's just you and me, fat man. The one who wins this duel will decide the outcome of the battle. My last resources will be more than enough to kill you, it's as if victory is already mine! Now die like a squealing pig! Grrr!  
  
But before Mouser can realize his ambitions, they are interrupted by a crashing noise as a large collumn of water bursts out from the sea, and two figures jump out from it. Soaring through the air, Smith and Wesson land on board the Taurus and turn to Mouser and Mario.  
  
-Smith: Greetings, kind sirs. May I take the liberty of introducing myself? My name is Smith. It is my privilege, and may I say pleasure to make your acquintance.  
  
-Wesson: Hola, amigos! I am Wesson, the one and only! Upon the orders of el capitan Tryclide, we've come to eliminate you. Señor Smith, por favor, let me fight the fat one in red, I don't like him at all! You can take on the rat. Vamos!  
  
The next instant, Smith and Wesson pounce upon their self-designated targets at blinding speed. Smith lashes out with his right fist, but Mouser intercepts this blow with his handpalms. However, it is only by pushing with a concentrated effort that he manages to shove Smith away from him again. Mario, meanwhile, takes a less heroic approach and runs away with a frightened shriek, while Wesson gives chase, throwing multiple kicks and punches that Mario dives, ducks and jumps over to avoid in utter panic. Smith and Mouser still exchange blows, without either of them managing to land any clean hits or taking the upper hand.  
  
-Mouser: Holy crap, this guy's strength is not that of a normal human if he manages to stay even with me so effortlessly. He's bloody fast, too... Right, I see that I won't get anywhere mano-a-mano, so...  
  
Mouser takes the next opportunity to jump away from Smith, creating a small distance between them. This buys him the time he needs to whip out two machine guns and fire them Smithwards with a bellow of "Eat this, sucker!" Deeply shocked by this verbal vulgarity, Smith's reflex is slowed by just a fraction of a second. Thus, when he does gracefully somersault into the sky to dodge the rain of Mouserian bullets, a few stray shots do hit his right shoulder and arm, making metallic noises at their impact and causing a few sparks to fly off. Smith lands again, and a long vertical shot of him is shown, with patches of steel and damaged circuits clearly visible beneath the burnt cloth and flesh in the spots where the bullets hit him.  
  
-Smith: Oh, dear me, this is most unfortunate. The damaged skin tissue and systems in my arm will need to be replaced back at the lab. Though at least no serious injuries have been inflicted. Surely nothing that will prevent me from claiming victory in this duel...  
  
-Mouser: This dude... he's a robot?  
  
Fade out and cut to a shot of Triclyde, still in front of the monitor in his submarine's control room. The current battle is visible on-screen. Next to Triclyde, a young man with dark red hair is standing, who's facial features are oddly similiar to those of Smith and Wesson, even if this man has a slight stubble around his chin and his features look somewhat more hardened. Lefty turns to the red-haired man, and adresses him with these words;  
  
-Lefty: Well, what do you make of this, Colt? We'd like to hear your opinion on the situation.  
  
-Colt: I must say Smith and Wesson are functioning quite well. For the first outing of these two, their performance is not bad at all, especially if you consider that they're just prototypes. Their physical abilities come quite close to matching mine. However, I've told you before that a copy will never match the original exactly, let alone surpass it. And then, these are still unfinished products in the end. At the moment, they're still holding out, but they've already made an error. They should've turned on Mouser both at the same time, it's the only way they would've had a solid chance. This way, at least one of them will be beaten. Sooner or later, I'll have to go up there and take care of things myself, I presume...  
  
-Triclyde: Hmm, coming from you, that's plausible. But it doesn't matter. If Smith and Wesson really can't handle it all on their own, there's always you - the ideal which we are trying to emulate with our copies. It's a trump card even Mouser won't be able to defeat! Nyah ha ha ha!  
  
Cut back to the deck of the Taurus. A close-up of Smith is shown, flexing his damaged arm, in which some cables and mechanics can be seen, shifting around. He's chuckling somewhat as he speaks up again to a disturbed- looking Mouser.  
  
-Smith: Robot, you say? For fear of contradicting you, you are incorrect in your assumptions, young man. Wesson and I have been established on a base of human DNA, and our bodies consist of a most intricate mixture of synthetic living tissue, light yet resistant fiberglass parts, and actual machinery. So you see, we are far more than simple robots. We are the latest in synthetic bio-mechanical engineering! Hah!  
  
Smith then looks up, very smug and certain of the impact of his boastful words, only to be greeted by an empty space; Mouser has vanished during his little speech. Smith's initial disappointment turns into surprise when he hears loud creaking and crashing noises behind him. He turns around to see Mouser tearing off the main mast of the Taurus. A terrified scream from Fryguy - who was still hiding in the crow's nest on top of that same mast and is now holding on for dear life - is heard, as Mouser swings the mast around, and brings it smashing into Smith's body, while shouting more obscenities at his foe. Like a ball smacked by a gigantic baseball bat, Smith soars off into the distance because of this blow, and a tell-tale column of water at the horizon shows where he's fallen into the sea.  
  
-Mouser: Hah, go tell that to the fishes, you cow's ass!  
  
-Fryguy: Eeeek! Mouser, put that mast down! I'm still in the crow's nest, and I don't wanna fall into the sea! I'm scared!  
  
-Wesson: Smith! Hijo de puta, I won't forgive you!  
  
Wesson then turns his attentions away from Mario and charges at Mouser, determined to avenge Smith's defeat. Mouser, hampered by the weight of the torn-off mast finds himself lacking the needed maneuverability to escape from this impending attack. But it is at that moment that Yoshi clambers back onto the deck, with a determined look on his face. He shoots out his tongue, which wraps around Wesson's ankle. Tackled, Wesson trips forwards with shout of "Mierda!" before being flung away into the sea by a powerful Yoshi tongue-swing. With both their foes dispatched, a silence follows in which Mouser stares at Mario and Yoshi briefly.  
  
-Mouser: You guys... I can't believe it's you who've saved my ass.  
  
Everyone remains motionless, somewhat unsure what to do. Koopa, Toad, Lakitu and the princess begin to regain their consciousness and clamber back on their feet, while Clawgrip also climbs back onto the Taurus' deck. Fryguy remains hidden in a distant corner, trembling from the grave nervous shock he just had. But this moment of calm doesn't last long, as a low rumble announces the arrival of something huge - the entire Desert Eagle submarine surfaces from the depths of the sea in front of the Taurus. Everyone looks at the large machine worriedly. Mouser's face in particular displays strong disbelief when a hatch in the Desert Eagle opens and Colt steps out onto the ship's hull. After surveying the scene briefly, Colt leaps onto the deck of the Taurus and faces the small group there with a smug grin. Mouser is the first to break the tense silence.  
  
-Mouser: Colt?! Is that really you, the same Colt? Damn, I was hoping I'd never have to see your crummy face again!  
  
-Colt: I see you haven't changed very much either, Mouser. But don't worry, I'm not here to settle old scores or anything. I like to think that I've left that sort of kids' stuff far behind me. The only reason I'm here is to pick up the treasure you've so kindly gathered on this ship. Be reasonable and just hand it over without making a fuss.  
  
-Koopa: No! I've had that treasure stolen so I could buy me a stock of new foot lotion, and I'm not giving up on that!  
  
-Toad: Oh, cripes. So that was your reason for coming to the Gatling Ocean all along... That's just really sad.  
  
-Koopa: I don't care! I want my foot lotion, and I'm not gonna give up my treasure to that bum! Mouser, beat him up, quickly! You can do that, can't you?  
  
-Mouser: *gulp* Lord... Lord Koopa, even for your sake... that is to say...  
  
-Colt: Y'know, I really don't like bringing up old memories, but if you're not going to move over, we might have to resume our rivalry, Mouser. Just like in the old days...  
  
Colt then puts an end to the conversation and lashes out at Mouser with both his fists. Mouser jumps backwards to avoid the blow, and before long the two are whirling around each other in a furious cloud of kicks and punches. However, despite the intensity of their assaults, no-one seems to be landing any clean hits or taking the upper hand in any way during this violent skirmish. The Taurus, however, does clearly suffer from the ferociousness of Mouser and Colt's clash. A missed punch from Mouser shatters most of the deck when it ends up hitting the wooden planks instead of Colt. When Colt's foot flies out to Mouser, but hits the masts instead, they all topple over with loud crashes. A grenade thrown by Mouser blows off further parts of the ship and sets fire to the remaining mess of broken planks and torn sails. Koopa and the others have gathered in a small circle, on a part of the ship that still decently holds together and isn't sinking, but all they can do is behold this spectacle with worried eyes. Or, in Fryguy's case, hysterical wails.  
  
-Fryguy: Aieeeeh!! They're tearing the whole place apart with all that scary fighting! We're all going to die! I'm beyond totally scared, and I want to go home to my mommy! Eeeek!  
  
-Clawgrip: All right, all right, we know that! But you try and explain to those two to play nice, I'm not going to get in between them.  
  
-Lakitu: But, don't you lot notice anything strange? This Colt isn't an average human. Mouser is strong enough to shatter solid rock with his bare hands and to lift things at least a hundred times his size and weight. Any normal human should get pulverized with just one blow, but Colt seems to have no trouble resisting Mouser's strength. I'm not sure who or what he is, or if he's another kind of robot geezer... But from the way the duel is going, I believe his physical strength is equal to that of Mouser - they seem to have the exact same kind of brute power and insane resistance. It's the only way to explain the kind of constant stalemate they're maintaining...  
  
-Colt: We have some very observant spectators in our crowd, it would seem. Not to mention monologue-happy ones. You're right about the constant stalemate bit though, speccie. Something has to be done about that. I don't have the time for a potentially endless duel as I just came to nick the swag. Apart from that, what little is left of this ship looks kinda shaky, so all that's left to do for me is to pull out tonight's show-stopper...  
  
Colt's eyes narrow as a grin crosses his face. With a sudden burst, he then darts forward and places the palm of his left hand against Mouser's torso. A brief, sturdy press from his five fingertips follows, after which Colt takes a step backwards and watches how Mouser sways on his feet, somewhat dazed by this.  
  
-Mouser: Urrrrgh...man, I feel strange. What was that kinda fondle you just did to me? What have you done? You bastard!  
  
-Colt: It's an ancient oriental technique, where one triggers off different reactions in the body by numbing or stimulating precise points of the nervous system. See, I armed myself for the eventuality that I might come face-to-face with you, Mouser, I've taken everything into account. Your physical super-strength has now been blocked. Your body will just function as that of an average man aged eighteen who spent a bit too much time on phoney muscle-toning.  
  
-Mouser: Bullshit... That's gotta be bullshit, I don't believe you!  
  
To accentuate his words, Mouser slams his fist hard against the floor, but apart from a mild thud and a sore feeling in his wrist, this results in nothing at all. Mouser stares at the intact ground and his painful wrist with eyes like ping-pong balls, while Colt just shrugs and walks off into the ship's cargo room, from which he returns carrying a large sack marked "LOOT". He gives a quick wave to the others on the wreck of the Taurus, and then jumps back onto the Desert Eagle, where he disappears into a hatch while the giant submarine lowers itself into the sea again. Some creaking noises are heard as a few more bits break off the Taurus and tumble into the sea...  
  
Fade out and cut to a shot inside the Desert Eagle. In a brightly-lit chamber, the damaged Smith and Wesson are suspended from the ceiling by multiple thick electric wires, while robotic arms and tiny robots complete the repairs on them. Just a few small patch-up jobs are needed to finish covering up the damage. While Triclyde and Colt stand by and watch, a very displeased Wesson complains loudly during the whole operation.  
  
-Wesson: Madre dios, qué passa?! How could it be that the great Wesson has been beaten?! Grrr, when I next see that Mario character, I will kick him in the castagnettes something terrible!  
  
-Lefty: Come to think of it, now that we are doing repairs on these two, couldn't we try to fix the bug in Wesson's speech circuits as well? He still mixes up his Hispanicisms and Italianisms...  
  
-Righty: I'm afraid he has a few more microchips loose than that. We really have a lot of improving left to do on these prototypes if they're still this stupid. But that's all for later. At the moment, we're doing just fine. Both Koopa and Mario's teams have been left immobilized and completely helpless. The principal threat of Mouser has even been rendered nil, and we have a more than sufficient amount of treasure to provide all the funds we need for a while. We really owe you one, Colt. You've done some excellent work.  
  
-Colt: Yeah, sure. Might as well spare me your gratitude, it's that treasure I'm really interested in.  
  
-Triclyde: Eh? Buh... But that's mine! You can't!  
  
-Colt: Since it's been stolen by my hand in the first place, I reckon it's only reasonable that I keep a good part of it to myself. You may have stored it in the Desert Eagle's cargo load, but I've no intention to let you sail away with the whole lot.  
  
-Triclyde: No way! You're trying to double-cross us! You're showing your true colors now!  
  
-Colt: Don't be so surprised. You should know that's to be expected when you deal with crooks. Although I prefer to apply the term "outlaw" to myself... I gave you my end of the deal, didn't I? You recruited me as a mercenary to fight for you and donate some body tissues for your wacky research, but that's all over now. The pay was decent at first, but I've grown tired of this. I'm bored of you lot. Just a bunch of dopes that use such cheap tricks. This is another walk of life where I won't be able to make a difference in the long run, but I'll at least grab some of the goods so that this won't have been a complete waste.  
  
-Triclyde: We're not going to let you off so easily! Lefty, disengage Smith and Wesson from the repair system cables!  
  
Lefty presses a big button on the wall next to him with his nose, and the cables holding up Smith and Wesson are unplugged with loud "thwack" noises. The two androids both land on their feet and place themselves between Triclyde and Colt.  
  
-Smith: We will not allow you to harm Captain Triclyde. Colt, sir, you are as of now our primary target. Now that you have betrayed our cause, we cannot allow you to do as you please! Program command: kill Colt!  
  
Smith and Wesson bar Colt's path while Triclyde quickly slithers out of the repair chamber. Cut to a shot of Triclyde hurriedly making off through the corridors of his ship.  
  
-Triclyde: This is really, really bad! I hadn't reckoned on Colt turning against us. That guy is dangerous! What are we going to do?  
  
-Righty: Stay calm, Clyde. I think it's going to be allright. The treasure is not, in fact, stored in the main cargo hold of the Desert Eagle. I've had all of it stashed into the escape ship so that we could quickly make off with the loot, just in case an enemy would catch up with us and things'd get ugly. Getting away with the treasure is the important part now.  
  
-Triclyde: Run away like cowards and abandon our beautiful Desert Eagle, that's what you're suggesting?  
  
-Righty: Yes. There is no better option. Now go on, be a brave boy and go to the escape ship. If you make it without crying once, you can have some extra pudding for dessert this evening.  
  
-Triclyde: Oh boy, now you're talking! Let's do this!  
  
Lefty and Righty exchange meaningful stares as Clyde bolts off towards the docks of the escape ship. He eventually reaches a large chamber, partly filled with water. An enormous navy blue Bullet Bill with a hatch in its side is floating on the water's surface. This is the escape ship in question. Clyde enters through the hatch and finds the inside of the ship littered with treasure - stuffed into chests, almost bursting from bloated bags or just scattered around on the floor. He pays no attention to this and hops into the control seat. A shot from outside the escape ship shows the giant Bullet Bill slowly diving below the water's surface as its engines buzz into motion. A large hatch in the bottom of the Desert Eagle opens, from which the escape ship is then launched with great force. As the escape ship shoots towards the ocean's surface, the camera cuts to a shot inside the escape ship, with an extremely giddy Triclyde at the commands.  
  
-Triclyde: It's working! We're gonna make it!  
  
-Righty: It does indeed look like we're going to have our cake and eat it, in ever sense of the phrase. I've made sure that all the data we gathered during our research on Colt's DNA have been copied from the main computer of the Desert Eagle into this ship's on-board computer. With that, we should be able to pick up our research pretty much where we left off.  
  
-Lefty: Wow, you've really thought of everything, Righty. You make me feel so bone idle...  
  
-Righty: You are. You were too busy dialing live phone sex numbers while I was organizing this masterful plan B. But I suppose nobody is perfect. If you do want to make yourself useful, send the self-destruct command to the Desert Eagle's computer. With any luck, Colt will die in the explosion, and we'll really be home safe.  
  
Lefty answers this with an energetic nod. Cut back to a shot inside the Desert Eagle, where Colt has well and truly wiped the floor with Smith and Wesson. Disconnected bits and pieces of the artificial soldiers are scattered all over the place, staining the ship's pristine white corridors with pools of oil and cooling fluid as small sparks crackle from them. Colt looks mildly irked at the time he has lost dispatching these two hindrances, but his expression turns to shock when the corridors are suddenly bathed in red light, and a metallic voice announces the countdown to the ship's self-destruction between blaring sirens. Colt clenches his fists, cursing Triclyde's name. The screen fades to black as the blaring of the siren grows louder and louder...  
  
Fade in to a slightly grainy, sepia-toned shot of a messy, graffiti- splashed street in a large metropolis. Mouser comes walking by, dressed in an unwashed, slightly too large and baggy schoolboy uniform. His voice is heard, narrating off-screen during these shots.  
  
-"It all happened when I was still going to school, at seventeen. It was my last year there, and I remember it well because there was such a scare in the newspapers at that time. Turned out they found dead bodies of kids who had been doing drugs every few weeks, only the bodies weren't normal. There was always something strange about them, like twisted limbs, really deformed faces or just abnormal size, like they had all swollen up. Nobody knew what caused those deformations, the papers' best guess was just a side effect of a really warped and prob'ly lethal drug. I didn't really pay a lot of attention to all that anyway. I used to attend this really crappy school called the PPK Academy in one of the more run-down districts of the city. Colt was a classmate of mine, and I've always hated his guts."  
  
Some brief shots are inserted, showing the enmity between Colt and Mouser: the two of them arguing over food in the cantine, Mouser beating up a gang of three thugs after school only to spot Colt wiping the floor with six thugs, Mouser spray-painting a slogan on a wall and Colt spray-painting something else over it as soon as Mouser's not looking, Colt pushing Mouser out of the way in a busy metro station, causing Mouser to miss the metro home. Mouser's narration continues during these shots:  
  
-"He was always such a smug, showy bastard. He'd always do just the thing to piss me off, and he'd do it on purpose! Calling me names because I'm so short, outdoing me in everything I try to do, and basically behaving like a total jackass to me. So we never got along because he was such a constant jerk. There's one thing, especially, that I can never forgive him for..."  
  
A shot of a corridor inside the PPK Academy is shown. Some distant noise is heard, gradually growing closer. Suddenly, Colt comes sprinting through the corridor with Mouser in hot pursuit. Mouser brandishes a chair which he took from a nearby classroom and flings it in Colt's direction. He misses, and the chair goes crashing through a large window with an immense shattering noise.  
  
-Mouser: You bastard! You took the last gruyère sandwich from the cantine on purpose, because you knew that's my favorite! I'd been waiting all day to have that for lunch! You're not gonna get away with this!  
  
-Colt: What's it matter anyway? A midget like you doesn't require a lot of food for his daily needs, so stop whining!  
  
Furniture flies and noise erupts everywhere as the furious chase continues. A concerned schoolgirl ducks out of the way of a flying desk and scrambles into a classroom, where she finds the Physical Education instructor, mister Walther and turns to him with these words:  
  
-"Mister Walther, you've got to do something! Colt and Mouser are fighting again, it's pandemonium out there! Please, mister Walther, Mouser will only listen to you!"  
  
The teacher in question heads out to the ravaged hallway where Mouser runs past him, angrily waving his fists about. Mister Walther stops Mouser in his tracks by bellowing his name through the hallway. Mouser comes to a screeching halt, turns around and faces mister Walther. The PE instructor is a well-built and youngish-looking blond man. Mouser's snout rapidly reddens as he looks up to this attractive man. But his expressions then turns to one of crushed embarrassment when mister Walther then tells him, in a stern and disapproving voice that he had already been told hundreds of times not to pick fights like that, that he's a disappointment and a good- for-nothing, and that he is on some hefty detention for that afternoon. Mouser's narrative fades in again as a shot is shown of him sitting in detention class, later that afternoon, furiously clenching his fists.  
  
-"...because of Colt, I always ended up looking bad in front of mister Walther. I feel kinda mushy saying this, but that guy was my real first love. I was serious, I would've done anything for him. Guess it was just one of those things. But it's Colt's fault that I never got anywhere."  
  
Another shot fades in, this time of Colt holding a basketball. It's time to practice basic dunking in PE class. Colt nonchalantly bounces the ball on the floor a few times before grabbing it, running up to a hoop on the wall and flawlessly tossing it through the hoop. A pleased mister Walther nods approvingly. Mouser is next in line with the basketball. He looks up to the hoop on the wall, which seems so high for someone as short as him. But then, he takes a deep breath and decides that this is his chance to make a good impression on mister Walther. Fuelled by that thought, he dashes forward, shouting 'charrrge!' at the top of his voice... and misjudges his jump, crashing face-forward into the wall while the basketball uselessly bounces back onto the floor. This elicits loud, snide laughter from the rest of the class and a hopeless sigh from mister Walther. Mouser picks himself up from the ground again, his fists clenched and his snout trembling with anger and humiliation. After this scene, Mouser's voice picks up the narration again while a shot fades in showing Mouser sitting on the steps outside the school building, holding a newspaper. Soft rain is pattering down on the pavement, but it doesn't bother Mouser.  
  
-"All that stuff was really getting to me. So when they started telling me that I was on the brink of getting kicked outta school for good because my grades were always so low, I didn't really mind. In fact, I was kinda relieved. I never liked the place, and never felt like actually putting some effort into school. I wasn't even gonna try anymore, and at least this way, nobody'd expect me to either. It was raining on the last day I actually still spent there. That was also the day I last saw Colt..."  
  
Switch to a close-up of Mouser's newspaper. The front page is taken up by a foto of a messy corpse and alarmed headlines such as "Tenth Deformed Body Found! Mysterious deaths among teenage junkies continue! Corpse with hideously inflated head and bloated stomach shocks the city! Dangerous drug effect or prowling serial killer?" Etcetera. Mouser doesn't care, however. He fumbles with the large pages until he reaches the job adverts. There, a large ad with a foto of Koopa in a lurid costume catches his eye. The ad encourages readers to join the Koopa army, stating:  
  
"Koopa wants you, all night long! Join the Koopa army and get yourself dirty in combat!"  
  
Mouser stares, as if transfixed. The blood rushes to his head, his lower lip starts to quiver, and his ears twitch uncontrollably at the sight of Koopa's foto. However, he is snapped from his trance by the sound of footsteps. He looks up to see Colt standing in front of him, looking down on him with a smirk.  
  
-Colt: I hear you're gonna be leaving us soon. Word has it that you're about to get kicked out.  
  
There's a brief pause, then Mouser, animated with sudden energy, angrily folds up the paper he was reading, stuffs it in his pocket and abruptly stands up.  
  
-Mouser: Yeah, that's damn right, I am leaving! I found something to do with my life, so I don't need this place or any of you bastards anymore. I am leaving, as in right now, and I'll never come back here!  
  
-Colt: Well, that's good. I'm glad for you. How about a small farewell present, if this is gonna be your big exit? Y'know, I never really disliked you that much...  
  
Colt holds out his hand, with a white capsule resting on his palm, which he offers to Mouser.  
  
-Colt: Quality stuff. It'll make you feel incredible. Just the sorta thing for starting a new life.  
  
-Mouser: Get twisted, sucker. I don't want anything that came from your dirty paws, 'specially not if I gotta swallow it.  
  
-Colt: Yeah, right. Don't tell me you never took dope before. You don't know how it's done?  
  
Refusing to take provocation lying down, Mouser brusquely snatches the pill from Colt's hand and pops it down his throat.  
  
-Mouser: All right, all right, I'll take your dumb pill already. Just to commemorate that this is the last I'll ever see of your ugly...  
  
But Mouser's speech suddenly stops dead, as he is overcome by a wave of pain. Gagging noises and unarticulated wheezing are the only things he emits for a while, until he buckles over backwards, grasped by violent, painful spasms. Eyes bulging out, mouth foaming and limbs twitching, he slams to the floor, where he thrashes around uncontrollably, screaming at the top of his lungs whenever he manages to breathe. Too late, a connection between Colt, drugs, and the deformed bodies in the papers flashes in his mind. In one last fit of agony, he arches upwards like a grotesque caterpillar... and then flops back onto the rain-drenched pavement, limp and aching, but still breathing in raspy, irregular fashion. Colt, who had been watching the entire macabre spectacle comes a little closer, and looks pleased to find Mouser still alive.  
  
-Colt: Well, I'll be. You could make a good lab-rat, you're the first test subject who comes outta this alive and looking the same as before.  
  
-Mouser: You... harrff... what have... what have you done to me?!  
  
Slowly, still breathing with difficulty through some leftover stings of pain, Mouser clambers to his feet again, and repeats his question. He find the energy to raise his voice and bellow one more "what have you done to me?!" furiously, and plunges both his fists towards Colt. Colt ducks out of the way, however, and Mouser's fists end up hitting a concrete wall of the school building. With an enormous crash, the wall in question is pulverized by Mouser's punch, and a large chunk of the building comes tumbling down. Mouser stares in shock, and his surprise increases when he finds that Colt has vanished when he looks around him.  
  
What Mouser never knew, that day, was that Colt wasn't far away while he was still digesting the staggering fact of his new-found superhuman strength. Colt had in fact bolted into a nearby alleyway, and was sprinting back to his home as quickly as he could, drunk with the feeling of victory. After many failed attempts that had resulted in bleak ends for the test subjects that he had picked off the street among the many wandering drug addicts, he had finally gotten the formula right for a substance that would grant him immense strength. All that remained to be done was to take the formula for himself now...  
  
The screen meanwhile fades back to a full-color close-up of Mouser with a view of the blue sky over the Gatling Ocean in the background. Speaking half to himself, he finishes his story as follows:  
  
-Mouser: Ever since then I've been strong as an ox, like the saying goes. It wasn't hard to get into the Koopa army with qualifications like that. As for Colt, I suppose he took whatever crap he gave to me in that pill for himself as well. Probably had some kinda megalomaniac trip going, I dunno...  
  
The screen then rapidly zooms out to reveal that Mouser really is talking to himself. He's standing on a raft made from whatever debris of the Taurus would still float, with everyone else packed together onto the small space as well - both Koopa and his men, and Mario and his companions. All of them, however, have their backs firmly turned on Mouser and are intently huddled around Toad who fumbles with his portable TV. A pulsing vein pops onto Mouser's forehead when he realises that he's being ignored.  
  
-Mouser: Hey! What's the big idea?! You ask me to explain how come I know Colt, and then you don't even listen to my sob story! Bunch of bastards!  
  
-Clawgrip: Sssh, be quiet, Mouser. We're trying to radio for help on that thing. This is important!.  
  
-Fryguy: Yu...yeah! That's right! You d-d-don't have your strength anymore, so now you can't boss us around!  
  
A short silence follows after this unusual outburst of assertiveness on Fryguy's behalf. Briefly, Fryguy feels a glow of achievement. Mouser just cynically raises an eyebrow at him, then picks him up and dangles him over the edge of the raft, just out of reach of the scary water. Fryguy explodes into a blur of helpless gesticulation, panicked screams, and pleas for mercy. Mouser pays him no mind and leans over the shoulder of the others to take a look at Toad and his portable device.  
  
-Mouser: So, any luck with that so far?  
  
-Toad: Not much. There's a small radio transmitter built into this, but its reach isn't very strong. Bloody cheap tourist stuff, that's what this is.  
  
No sooner has Toad passed this verdict over the device he's holding then the antenna breaks off and disappears into the water below. The portable telly-com-transmitter is now completely useless.  
  
-Toad: ... Oh, crap.  
  
-Koopa: So I suppose now we'll never get hold of the Hermaphrodite Hardcore channel...  
  
-Toad: Who cares about that? The really bad news is that we're almost certainly going to die here. And whatever way it'll happen, it won't be pretty. If we don't get eaten by sea monsters, we'll starve or go crazy from exposure to the sun and start killing each other, or catch a rare disease and crumble to bits or some kind of gross thing like that.  
  
-Mario: And the worst part is, we have to die on the same raft as our worst enemies! It's so frustrating!  
  
-Mouser: Well, if you don't like that, we could always toss you overboard first. You can drown all by yourself, see if I care.  
  
-Mario: Oh yeah? Oh yeah?! Uh... uhm... Oh yeah?!!  
  
-Princess: Mario, you're being pathetic...  
  
-Mario: Oh yeah?! Oh yeah?!!  
  
-Everyone: Yes, you are.  
  
-Mario: But... But he started it! The rat's looking for a fight, and now that he's just got normal strength, maybe he should be the one who gets tossed overboard!  
  
Mouser puts Fryguy back onto the raft and glares at Mario, who glares back. The two size each other up, ready for a duel to the death. The others try to suggest some caution, pointing out that it's not exactly productive to start killing each other like this. Except for Fryguy, he just cries and whines. But before the situation can really get out of hand, everyone is distracted by the noise of large bubbles breaking on the water's surface. Everyone turns to look at the source of the noise; a small distance from their raft, the water is beginning to bubble ever more violently, until something suddenly bursts from the sea with great force. The giant blue Bullet Bill escape ship from the Desert Eagle shoots out of the sea and soars away into the sky, splashing bucketfuls of water around. Everyone watches, somewhat mistified, as this sudden interruption turns to nothing more but a tiny speck in the sky. At the same moment, a lesser noise is heard, and Colt pops up on the surface, searching the sky for the escape ship he just followed to the surface, swimming with all his might. He swears under his breath when he notices how far away Triclyde has gotten, but then notices the raft with Mouser and the others on it. He hesitates for a while, then swims towards the raft and climbs aboard.  
  
-Fryguy: Eeek!! It's that scary guy who wrecked the Taurus! Keep him away from me!  
  
-Colt: Shut up! Mouser, listen to me, I've got no time to lose. I need to make a deal with you; I'll give you back your superhuman strength, but I want you to do me a favor in return.  
  
-Mouser: I'd rather eat shit!  
  
-Lakitu: Mouser, don't be like that! With your strength back, we could all be saved! None of us want to die here!  
  
A flash of realization strikes Mouser's rather dense brain as a result of these words, and he turns to Colt eagerly.  
  
-Mouser: Allright, Colt, I'll do it! I'll do it, so long as I don't have to lick you someplace gross or something like that.  
  
-Colt: Idiot! Of course not! What I want you to do when you have your strength back is to pick me up and throw me as hard as you can in the direction of that blue bullet ship that just flew past. You did see the ship I mean, right? You can't have missed it.  
  
-Mouser: That's it? Easy! You're on!  
  
Colt nods and the closes his eyes. Cut to a close-up of Colt holding out his hand in front of him. An insert song begins to play; Macho Man by the Village People as Colt's palm begins to emit a slight glow. He then places his palm on Mouser's forehead and gives a quick tap on it with his fingertips. Mouser's eyes widen, and an enormous grin appears on his snout as he feels his usual force flowing back into him. He stretches his arms a few times, then punches the air triumphantly.  
  
-Mouser: Yahoo! That's it! My strength is back! I feel like a new mouse, I feel great! And now for your end of the deal, Colt...  
  
Taking Colt by surprise, Mouser snatches his old rival by the ankle. Holding him by the ankles, Mouser begins to spin him around, similiar to an Olympic hammer-thrower, until releasing him, thus sending him catapulting off into the vast reaches of the sky with a loud scream... roughly in the direction that Triclyde's escape ship took. Colt tumbles through the air uncontrollably, barely able to catch his breath, until he spots the speeding blue Bullet Bill ahead of him. He tries to lunge for the craft, but Mouser's throw was too forceful and imprecise. As a result, Colt widely misses his target and goes sailing past, idly grabbing at the ship and shouting out a thousand curses. Inside the escape ship, Triclyde blinks a few times and gives Lefty a puzzled look.  
  
-Triclyde: Hey, did something just fly past us? A kind of screaming bird?  
  
-Lefty: Don't worry, it's nothing.  
  
-Righty: Although it -was- kinda close...  
  
-Lefty: Shhh! Clyde doesn't need to know, don't upset him! We -did- get away with all the loot we need, it looks like we're really home and dry now.  
  
The escape ship continues its speedy course into the horizon and fades from view. Colt, meanwhile, is still hurtling off at breakneck speed, completely out of control and terribly pissed off.  
  
-Colt: Mousuhhhrrrr! Idiooot! That was too haaa-aaahrd! Aaaargh!  
  
Cut to a wide shot of the Gatling Ocean, where the dinky little raft with Koopa, Mario and the all others on it is now flying forward at immense speed. Mouser has dived into the water, grabbed hold of the raft's rear and is now pushing it forward by paddling furiously with his legs in the water. Everyone is exhiliarated at the insane speed which is driving them forward. Except for Fryguy, he just shrieks and wails.  
  
-Fryguy: Scareeeehhh!!  
  
-Princess: Woohoohh! Now this is speed! Go, go!!  
  
-Lakitu: Say, uh... does anyone know where we're going?  
  
-Koopa: Who cares?! At this rate, we'll get to some coast somewhere soon enough, we just need to keep going! Wooh!  
  
-Yoshi: Look! I can see cliffs up ahead already! We've found land!  
  
-Princess: Yahoo! Way to go!  
  
-Lakitu: But, uh... how are we going to stop?  
  
-Koopa: Who cares?! Just keep going! Faster!  
  
-Fyguy: Noooo!! Aieeeeh!!  
  
The little raft slams against the cliffs with its full force, instantly reducing the raft to a cloud of toothpicks and hurling its passengers onto the shore, except for Mouser who bangs his head against the cliffs and lies motionless in the shallow coastal waters afterwards while a large crack appears in the cliffside. The insert song abruptly stops at this moment, and the camera fades to a shot of the same cliffs later that day, at the moment when the sun begins to set. Koopa and the Princess are the first to have woken up after the rough landing that knocked everyone unconscious. As soon as she was able to get on her feet, the Princess stormed a nearby barnyard and stole a mule with a cart from there. She has loaded Mario, Yoshi and Toad, all of them still motionless, but quite alive despite some bumps and scrapes into said cart and is about to drive away, adding these parting words to Koopa.  
  
-Princess: I'd better go first like this. We can't be seen together too often, and our respective flunkies always have a tendency to start fighting. I'll take these bozos away, you fend for yourself.  
  
-Koopa: Uh, okay. Toodle-ooh.  
  
The mule trots off with the cart, and plops some fresh droppings onto the ground as it disappears out of sight. Koopa scratches his bum absent- mindedly, until he hears some splashing noises behind him. Mouser is clambering out of the water, thoroughly soaked and with a big lump on his head. He coughs up some water, then looks up sheepishly to Koopa.  
  
-Koopa: Hey, you okay?  
  
-Mouser: Yeah, just got bumped around a bit, but it's nothing I can't handle.  
  
-Koopa: Say, there's something funny I noticed. You pushed that raft all the way here, but I thought you always said you couldn't swim...  
  
-Mouser: Huh? Oh, uh... I was swimming back there? Yeah... guess I was!  
  
Overcome by a surge of pride and joy, Mouser makes a victorious gesture and begins to shout.  
  
-Mouser: Allright! I can swim! I can fight, and... err, I can punch stuff! It's great to be myself again! I feel... just great...  
  
With a bonk, he then falls backwards, crippled by fatigue. He remains flat on his back, fast asleep and snoring with his mouth wide open, but looking radiant and satisfied. Camera zooms out from his sleeping mug and gradually cuts to a wide bird's-eye view shot of the Gatling Ocean, which then fades to black...  
  
END of this episode. 


End file.
